Page 11 | Children apologising: who IBU in this situation?

AryaStarkWolf · 05/05/2021 10:38

@ApplyWithin

Btw, for a shy child not good at standing up for herself she sure knew how to escalate things!

My shy child would have been mortified if her father had done the same.

Exactly.

I see a few posters say the mother should have told her son to apologise. But would you really do that to your own child without even hearing their side of the story? I would be disgusted to find out my son was picking on girls but I wouldn't just believe someone without getting more information first either, as their parent you surely owe them that much?

formynexttrick · 05/05/2021 10:39

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Disclaimer: I’m neither family in this but my friend is.

A year 2 (age 7) girl gets shoved in the playground by a boy when they were playing cops and robbers. This really upsets her but she's not forthcoming with standing up for herself. When she gets home, because she knows the boy lives around the corner, she gets her (6ft tall and stocky - this is relevant) dad to take her to his house so she can knock on the door and ask him to apologise. The boy’s mum is a widow, an older mum (early 50’s) and it’s just the two of them living there. The dad/family of the girl know this.

When the girl and her dad arrive and say Thomas shoved her today and they’d like him to come to the door and apologise, Thomas’ mum says no because “it’s just what happens when children play sometimes they get shoved” and that the dad was out of order to come round as it’s intimidating for her living on her own to have an unexpected and ‘burly’ man knock on her door making demands.

The family of the girl say they think this is out of order and an apology should have been given, they’re trying to teach their daughter to stand up for herself especially when it comes to boys being rough and crossing physical boundaries.

Who is in the right?

The answer to this is - well yes, it's commendable to want their DD to stand up to males who are intimidating her. If they're lucky, she may even grow up to be like the mum who refused to let this man intimidate her or give in to his unreasonable demands.

They should be thanking her for this lesson in calm assertiveness in the face of intimidation. And say sorry themselves.

YlangYlangYlangYlang · 05/05/2021 10:41

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Why did you feel it necessary to say she was an 'older' mum, in her 50s? Do you think it would have made her more or less likely to be intimidated by this man?

Well, yes quite frankly. Is that so hard to imagine that the older a person is the more vulnerable they feel up against someone 20 years younger than they are?

Oh my word, @FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop, bless you. Us 'older women' in our 50s are so much less likely to be intimidated by this man. We've lived longer, you see, more experience. You'll see.

You seem a lovely person, so I'm really not having a go at you, but you were incredibly offensive with that remark. Could you come to the door and apologise please? Or I'll come round with my dad...

UnforgottenPunk · 05/05/2021 10:43

Sounds like the girl may not be being entirely truthful here, and sounds pretty manipulative - she obviously enjoys stirring the pot.

The dad should absolutely have not gone round.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/05/2021 10:49

@UnforgottenPunk

Sounds like the girl may not be being entirely truthful here, and sounds pretty manipulative - she obviously enjoys stirring the pot.

The dad should absolutely have not gone round.

I think if you're the parent of a 7 year old (or have ever been in the past) you should know that before you act on a story they tell you, you need to make sure you have the full and correct picture. 7 year old's can have very selective memories. I'm not saying this girl is a liar btw, I'm saying 7 year old's in general often times, omit important details/add things/exaggerate and also this boy is entitled to be heard/give his side of the story before being told to apologise, isn't he?

PurpleWh1teGreen · 05/05/2021 10:52

Was just going to put what YlangYlang has explained so eloquently.

At 50 I’m far more likely to tell a six foot bully to fuck off than I would have been at 30.

starfishmummy · 05/05/2021 10:53

Girl and her Dad. Classic case of a "My Dads bigger than your mum" bullying tactic. Otherwise she should have raised it at school

dementedpixie · 05/05/2021 10:55

The issue should have been dealt with at school
The dad had no right to turn up at their door and is VU. He could have contacted the school about it

Nousernameforme · 05/05/2021 10:55

I would agree that the older I get the more likely I am to push back at someone.
That said I dont think his appearance was to intimidate the mother, more he was there to scare the son. I would ask the school to have a word about dealing with things through the proper channels.

Feedex · 05/05/2021 10:56

As someone who has had an aggressive, burly dad doorstep me about alleged bad playground behaviour I think the dad should have raised it with the school. Not marched round to the other parent.
The dad in question is divorced because his wife got sick of being smacked around by him, and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have come banging on my door in a rage if he thought there was a man in our house.
you only get half the story from your own kid.

LondonJax · 05/05/2021 10:56

BTW if her parents are running around to peoples houses at this age, they're going to need roller skates when she starts secondary school!

When DS was in year 7 he was pushed over a low fence (think lower calf height). Because we'd taught him to stand up for himself he shouted 'oi, watch it' at the offender. We questioned him in case it was a case of bullying, like @AryaStarkWolf, said (first rule of parenting before you start complaining about anything!) It turned out there's a pinch point corner when classes change over. Everyone is told to go in one direction at that point. DS decided it was a short cut to his next class and went against the tide. Full force of year 10s rushing to their next lesson and he got nudged, over balanced because of his back pack and over he went. Totally his fault, he wasn't hurt and he never tried that again.

Push and shoves are part of school life - crikey they're part of adult life (ever tried to get on the underground at rush hour?)

KaleSlayer · 05/05/2021 10:57

she gets her (6ft tall and stocky - this is relevant) dad to take her to his house so she can knock on the door and ask him to apologise.

A ‘normal’ father wouldn’t do this if his 7 year old child asked them to. They would realise that parents don’t go to other people’s houses seeking an apology for something that happened at school as it’s intimidating and wrong. I think the dad is probably a bit of a twat and a thug.

Feedex · 05/05/2021 10:58

'That said I dont think his appearance was to intimidate the mother, more he was there to scare the son.'

Well that's fine then isn't it. The aggression was aimed at a child and not a woman...

MimiDaisy11 · 05/05/2021 10:59

I'm on the mother's side. While I would want my son to apologise and not shove other children there is something intimidating in coming to someone's house like that. The mother doesn't know what is true.

I remember as a child a parent showing up at my house to tell my mother I'd done something. Unfortunately, she believed them even though I hadn't done what I was accused of.

thinkIamdone · 05/05/2021 11:01

Both. Mum is encouraging rough and bullying behaviour (aka getting away with it), dad is a ruling like a bully and not getting DD to speak to the school enforcers!

SaturdayRocks · 05/05/2021 11:01

I can’t believe a grown man went around to a boy who’s recently lost his father, and demanded an apology from him.

That is lower than low. And his wife - your friend, OP - crowing about.

What awful people. So what now @FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop?

Are you going to stay friends with this thuggish family?

Feedex · 05/05/2021 11:03

When the aggro dad came to our door I had to ask him to stand back - he was leaning over me - and to calm down. I then told him to speak to the teacher and I would do the same and the school could sort it out.
He was all 'If you don't do something about it I will." and demanding to see my 8 year old.
When he kept on I repeated again what I had said and then closed the door on him.
When I spoke to the mum of the other kid we decided to get the kids together for a play. All sorted.
Some blokes just like a ruck, particulary with women and children.

MintyMabel · 05/05/2021 11:03

dad was out of order to come round as it’s intimidating for her living on her own to have an unexpected and ‘burly’ man knock on her door making demands.

If she said this to him, she clearly wasn’t intimidated.

The implication is if he were a small guy or a woman, he’d have been in the right to do what he did. He can’t help his height or build, his daughter shouldn’t be penalised because he is a big guy. OH is 6ft 3 and well built. He should be allowed to stand up for DD in that situation, just as I would be at 5ft.

The problem is, here’s a parent taking the “boys will be boys” stance. The father is quite right to push back on that.

Mrsfrumble · 05/05/2021 11:04

@Feedex

'That said I dont think his appearance was to intimidate the mother, more he was there to scare the son.'

Well that's fine then isn't it. The aggression was aimed at a child and not a woman...

I know, right? A 7 yo who has just lost his dad. What a hero!

MintyMabel · 05/05/2021 11:05

dad is a ruling like a bully and not getting DD to speak to the school enforcers!

I missed the part where the dad was a bully?

SaturdayRocks · 05/05/2021 11:06

@MintyMabel

dad was out of order to come round as it’s intimidating for her living on her own to have an unexpected and ‘burly’ man knock on her door making demands.

If she said this to him, she clearly wasn’t intimidated.

The implication is if he were a small guy or a woman, he’d have been in the right to do what he did. He can’t help his height or build, his daughter shouldn’t be penalised because he is a big guy. OH is 6ft 3 and well built. He should be allowed to stand up for DD in that situation, just as I would be at 5ft.

The problem is, here’s a parent taking the “boys will be boys” stance. The father is quite right to push back on that.

‘Quite right to push back’?

Did you get the fact that the boy this 6 foot+ man went around to intimidate has recently lost his Dad?

SaturdayRocks · 05/05/2021 11:07

AND bully man knows it?

Original poster

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 05/05/2021 11:09

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

If I were the mum, I'd have been getting my kid to the door to apologise.

Without even asking him his side of the story first?

OP posts:

Allwokedup · 05/05/2021 11:11

The mum was right. The dad was well out of order.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/05/2021 11:12

He can’t help his height or build, his daughter shouldn’t be penalised because he is a big guy. OH is 6ft 3 and well built. He should be allowed to stand up for DD in that situation, just as I would be at 5ft.

^^
He can’t help it, but it’s on him to make sure he doesn’t make people feel intimidated.