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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not check with DH before making plans to visit parents?

112 replies

NCAccount · 04/05/2021 01:01

I haven’t been married for long so I genuinely don’t know what is reasonable or unreasonable in a marriage. I have always been independent and done whatever I want whenever I want so I don’t know if I have struggled to adjust to change, or if that shouldn’t need to change.

We have a small baby and my mum suggested baby and I go and stay with her for a couple of nights. She suggested DH come too but he’s working so wouldn’t be able to. Since DD was born, there have been times where I’ve struggled and desperately wanted my mum (I know, it’s been a challenge to go from a grown independent woman to crying because I need my mum...) so DH has always said I can go to my mum’s whenever I want or need to. Just last week he asked when I’m going home to my mums because we haven’t been in a couple of weeks.

So when my mum suggested DD and I visit and stay for a couple of days, I agreed. I then told DH that we’re going to my mum’s.

DH didn’t object or anything but later told me it annoyed him that I didn’t run it by him before agreeing and that it made him feel like I don’t value his input.

I understand where he’s coming from but in my head, he tells me to go home whenever I want so I didn’t think I need to consult with him first.

Was I being unreasonable or is this the sort of thing I need to check in a marriage before agreeing?

OP posts:
Original poster
NCAccount · 04/05/2021 01:02

To clarify, his objection was not visiting my mum, but spending a couple of nights there without consulting him first.

OP posts:
Mumbot345635 · 04/05/2021 01:07

I think you should have checked in but he shouldn’t have been cross that you didn’t. It’s because it’s a long trip not a day one. I’d say in a marriage it’s normal to discuss these things. I’d have probably arranged it with my mum but then said to my oh - I’m thinking of going on x day or mum can have us next week. It’s about communication - I think you are fearing it’s control!

Mumbot345635 · 04/05/2021 01:08

So yes I think you should have communicated better with him, not asked his permission to go.

BluebirdHill · 04/05/2021 01:13

I would have said 'going to stay at mum's these nights, ok?' not seriously asking his permission to go, but more in the sense of 'I'm letting you know my plans, and also this is your chance to tell me if that creates a problem because of something I've forgotten about'.

Does he do this with you? For example, does he tell you he's meeting up with friends in advance, going to the pub or whatever?

NaturalStudy · 04/05/2021 01:16

Agree with PP - I would tell my DH but only on the basis of 'Just checking this doesn't cause problems and there's not already another plan that I've forgotten about'. I would expect him to do the same - its not about giving permission its about checking that doesn't throw the other out completely.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/05/2021 01:27

You dont need his permission and it wouldn't be a problem not to run it by him if it was for a few hours or an evening, but if you are staying a few days, surely you would check it doesn't impact on anything else first.

EdwinPootsLovesArchaeology · 04/05/2021 01:28

But you did discuss it.

Now you're confirming when you're going. It can't be a massive surprise to him?

Porcupineintherough · 04/05/2021 01:37

We run dates passed each other before heading off overnight. That's reasonable I think.

BlackDaffodil · 04/05/2021 01:51

So he's pissed off because of a communication technicality ...

oh okay then ..

Enjoy your visit with your supportive Mum she sounds great.

TravelDreamLife · 04/05/2021 01:55

I'd just say I'm want to to mum's for a couple of nights on x dates, do we have anything on? Don't ask, but consult. Just remember it sets a tone for the future. Unless you want him saying I'm off with the boys this weekend, without asking if it's ok by you, don't do the same back. Doesn't matter if you see these as the same type of event or not, he might.

PerveenMistry · 04/05/2021 01:57

@NCAccount

To clarify, his objection was not visiting my mum, but spending a couple of nights there without consulting him first.
He's not your master. Tell him to get a grip.
starrynight21 · 04/05/2021 01:57

I agree with PP - you don't have to ask permission, but it's good manners to run it past him, especially if you're planning to stay a couple of nights. Have a great time with your Mum.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 04/05/2021 02:01

Would you be put out if he came to you and said “right then, taking Jr to my mum’s house for a couple of days”.

You are married and have a child together, of course you mention things like this. It’s called communication and the best most successful marriages are based on it.

Next time, try this...

‘I was talking with my mum yesterday, and we were talking about me and Jr, going down next weekend, did you have anything else in mind?’

It’s not asking permission, it’s having the courtesy to discuss plans with your partner.

IamMaz · 04/05/2021 08:40

My husband recently veto-ed our 28 year-old son coming over for a meal in the garden that I had invited him to. Apparently I should have 'consulted' him first. He is being a total twat at the moment though...

So instead I spent the day with our son where he lives, and we went geo-caching!!! Then for a meal together in a local pub that had a huge marquee in the garden. It was lovely.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 04/05/2021 08:45

I would check the dates with my DH, just as a courtesy and to check we didn’t have any other plans.
I wouldn’t be asking permission.
I would say “I’m thinking of going to mum’s on x date, we haven’t got anything on have we?”

UCOinanOCG · 04/05/2021 08:45

I suspect it isn't that you are going to see your DM it's that you didn't mention to him you planned to stay a few nights. Your DD is his as well and he really does have a right to know where you are taking her and for how long. To me it seems like this would be something anyone would discuss in advance. Like PP said, it is basic courtesy and good communication.

caitQ · 04/05/2021 08:45

I think if you're part of an established couple (e.g. married to each other) and one of you makes overnight plans with someone else, you run it past it each other before it's final. There are very few circumstances where you should cancel your plans, so it's more of a courtesy than asking for permission, but it's just nice to do, and by bringing the other person into the loop, there's nothing for them to get upset about.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 04/05/2021 08:47

I think it's considerate to talk your partner about your plans instead of just announcing them as a done deal.

It's not about asking permission but it's just a nice thing to do, especially as in this case, it means you're disappearing with your daughter for several days. Would you be happy if he decided to do the same and just dropped it on you instead of speaking about it first?

Parkperson · 04/05/2021 08:49

It does seem unfair that you didn't mention it to him. Would you be happy with him planning an overnight trip to his parents with your child without mentioning it to you?

WorkWorkAngelica · 04/05/2021 08:51

Your taking his DD a reasonable distance away for a few nights, of course he should be consulted, why wouldn't he be?

You may need more open communication if you're going to get through the next few years, the baby/toddler years can be tough going for a couple.

WorkWorkAngelica · 04/05/2021 08:52

You're*

Daisychain789 · 04/05/2021 08:53

I think it should have been discussed first. I don’t ask my husbands permission to do anything but would discuss taking our child away overnight in the same way I wouldn’t expect him to make plans for our child overnight without discussing it with me

emilyfrost · 04/05/2021 08:54

YABU. It’s not about needing permission, it’s about communicating with your partner and checking the dates you’re away work for both of you.

You’re a partnership, a team, it’s very weird for you to make plans and decisions on you’re own and then just tell him after, even more so when you have a child.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 04/05/2021 08:57

YABU. I wouldn’t ask my husband’s permission to do something but it’s common courtesy to check whether it impacts any plans he’s made. I’d not be happy if he arranged to go away to his parents with the kids and not checked the dates with me.

merryhouse · 04/05/2021 08:58

But he has been consulted!

They've had the discussion and he said it would be a great idea!

He asked "when are you next going?"! That would have been the ideal time to say "just don't do next Tuesday cos I'd like some support then" or whatever

All OP has done since is finalise the date.

And no, it's nothing like him arranging a night out, because OP doesn't have to check he's ok to do the childcare because she's taking the child with her.

I agree it would be not good to suddenly spring on a parent that their baby's not going to be there, but that's not what happened. He knows there's going to be a visit, he just hasn't been given the exact date yet.

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