Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not check with DH before making plans to visit parents?

112 replies

NCAccount · 04/05/2021 01:01

I haven’t been married for long so I genuinely don’t know what is reasonable or unreasonable in a marriage. I have always been independent and done whatever I want whenever I want so I don’t know if I have struggled to adjust to change, or if that shouldn’t need to change.

We have a small baby and my mum suggested baby and I go and stay with her for a couple of nights. She suggested DH come too but he’s working so wouldn’t be able to. Since DD was born, there have been times where I’ve struggled and desperately wanted my mum (I know, it’s been a challenge to go from a grown independent woman to crying because I need my mum...) so DH has always said I can go to my mum’s whenever I want or need to. Just last week he asked when I’m going home to my mums because we haven’t been in a couple of weeks.

So when my mum suggested DD and I visit and stay for a couple of days, I agreed. I then told DH that we’re going to my mum’s.

DH didn’t object or anything but later told me it annoyed him that I didn’t run it by him before agreeing and that it made him feel like I don’t value his input.

I understand where he’s coming from but in my head, he tells me to go home whenever I want so I didn’t think I need to consult with him first.

Was I being unreasonable or is this the sort of thing I need to check in a marriage before agreeing?

OP posts:
ThatIsMyPotato · 04/05/2021 09:00

You don't need to ask permission but I would have checked if staying overnight would clash with his plans. Also it is his DD too and he might be wanting to spend time with her to establish a bond.

ThatIsMyPotato · 04/05/2021 09:02

Partners can sometimes feel pushed out when new baby is on the scene so extra important to involve him in decisions like this. Even if it's just to let him know that's what's happening so if he desperately wants to spend time with his DD he can air these views. But ultimately if you are struggling and he can't help you need to do what you need to do to get the support.

starfishmummy · 04/05/2021 09:10

Courtesy to discuss before making firm plans.

Goblin74 · 04/05/2021 09:20

YABU. It's not about asking permission but showing him he's being considered in decision making. I'd be annoyed if my DH said he's taking my son to his mum's for a few nights without consulting me first. It's just inconsiderate.
What if I had plans? What if I wanted to come too?

Disfordarkchocolate · 04/05/2021 09:42

In my marriage i wouldn't finalise taking a few days away with our child without discussion. It wouldn't be asking permission in any way just an awareness that our child (especially when very young) doesn't stay away overnight without discussion.

WhySoSensitive · 04/05/2021 09:44

I think YABU.
A day visit, it wouldn’t even occur me to, I’d just say we were off out for the day.

But an overnight (or few nights) away with his baby - I wouldn’t without telling him or discussing it before confirming with my mum.

Frazzled2207 · 04/05/2021 09:49

I know how important it is to escape to your parents when you have a new baby and your dh is working ft. Escaped a few times myself. I suppose I would always Frame it as “do you mind if I...” rather than “I’m going”. Slightly different in our case though as we are a one car family and going meant me taking the car (dh wfh so not a major problem but difficult for him to do anything else while I am away).
I think you could have framed it ever so slightly differently but I’ll let you off because having a new baby is exhausting.

PreggoFeminist86 · 04/05/2021 09:58

YANBU. You told him about your plans in advance... if there were any issues he could have raised then when you told him. That was you 'running it by him' as others have suggested.

You never, ever have to ask if you can/should visit family, especially as a New Mum in need of support. Frankly it's selfish of him to be making you feel shitty about it.

nancywhitehead · 04/05/2021 09:59

I think it's just courteous to communicate about these things with your husband. Sounds like he's fine with you going whenever you want but he'd probably like to know before you plan it. There could be something it clashes with or some reason he'd like you to be around on some day.

Lesemeraudes · 04/05/2021 10:01

It sounds like bad communications, but I still voted YABU because you decided to take the baby away for a couple of days without chatting to him about it first. Unless there is going to be some massive drip feed about him being a useless dad, I think that he is reasonable to be annoyed about that.

Lesemeraudes · 04/05/2021 10:03

As much as anything else, would you be ok with him announcing he was going to take your baby away for a couple of days, announcing it as a done deal?

MagnoliaBeige · 04/05/2021 10:04

I think it’s a basic courtesy to a partner to mention a specific timeframe for a visit but not ask permission as such.

Feelingconfused2020 · 04/05/2021 10:06

As you are taking his child away for two nights I would have consulted him. If it was just the two of you I probably wouldn't have worried but can you honestly say you'd be ok with him announcing he is taking your baby to his parents house for two nights while you work?

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 04/05/2021 10:06

I don’t think it’s about seeking permission, it’s more just running plans past your OH to ensure it doesn’t clash with any of theirs and they’re aware of what you’re doing. I don’t think your DH is in the wrong here, he just wanted a bit of communication.

Skibidoo · 04/05/2021 10:12

I don’t make plans that involve our DD without DG because he’s her parent too but he is the same, he wouldn’t decide to take her away for a few days without checking in with me first.

If it was just us I would probably still let him know first before I planned to go away just in case I missed something (i’ve been know to forget our wedding anniversary).

I think it’s just considerate to run stuff past each other. It’s not asking permission it’s working and planning together.

Aprilx · 04/05/2021 10:12

Yes of course you should have mentioned it before finalising plans. It is normal for couples to do this. No doubt if you had said he planned a couple of nights away without checking with you first, it would be overwhelming LTB.

Roodicus21 · 04/05/2021 10:37

If I knew there were no other plans then I wouldn't run something like that it by dh. I'm an adult and can agree to things without having to check with dh.

thefishthatcouldwish · 04/05/2021 10:37

In this instance I feel bad for him because there is a difference between going to your Mums for a day and going for a couple of nights.

I’m not saying you need permission because you don’t but for me it’s having enough consideration for the other person just to run it by them.

SnackSizeRaisin · 04/05/2021 10:44

I have always been independent and done whatever I want whenever I want so I don’t know if I have struggled to adjust to change, or if that shouldn’t need to change.

Once you are married with a child you can't do what you want when you want, no. There has to be give and take. It is something that can take some adjustment at first. A successful relationship relies on respect, support and good communication. It sounds as if your partner is giving you those. It's not that he can tell you what to do. It's more that you being away will affect him so it is respectful to run it by him first. Then he should support you by encouraging you to go.
If he is expecting you to ask permission, or saying you can't go, then that would be a cause for concern, but simply wanting communication is perfectly fine.
You don't say why you need your mum, but if you are struggling your husband should be your first point of help rather than your mum really. Have you asked him for more support and is there a reason he can't provide it, other than being out at work? Obviously it's great to have your mum's help - but regularly going to stay with her without your husband is probably not going to help you in the long run.

Iwonder08 · 04/05/2021 11:15

You decided to take his child away for 2 days without consulting with him first. I would be annoyed too

BlackDaffodil · 04/05/2021 13:32

@Iwonder08

You decided to take his child away for 2 days without consulting with him first. I would be annoyed too

what a ridiculous statement. Did you even read the thread. 🙄

Hankunamatata · 04/05/2021 13:38

I run it past dh as a courtesy just incase he has plan etc.

Bibidy · 04/05/2021 13:46

I'm surprised by these responses, it's not like OP announced this out of the blue?

Sounds like she and her DH have had several conversations about her going to her mum's and he was supportive? I wouldn't have thought anything about making these plans either, following those conversations. Guessing mum doesn't live that nearby either, considering they haven't seen her in a couple of weeks.

OP, I don't think you've done anything wrong. I guess next time you know he'd like a head's up before the plans are made, but I can totally see why you didn't think it necessary.

Bibidy · 04/05/2021 13:50

Also confused at all the mentions of the visit possibly 'clashing with his plans'?

DH will be at work so more than likely OP would be home alone with the baby if she didn't go, and also if he had plans for those days then surely he's done the exact same thing and made plans without consulting OP first as she clearly didn't know about them?

LolaSmiles · 04/05/2021 13:53

YABU. It's not about seeking permission, but about communicating as a couple.
I'd be annoyed if DH made plans to take DC away for several nights and then informed me what was happening. I wouldn't say "but a few days ago I mentioned going to see my parents and you said go whenever you like" as a get out for this either.

Swipe left for the next trending thread