To not check with DH before making plans to visit parents?

[NCAccount]

I haven’t been married for long so I genuinely don’t know what is reasonable or unreasonable in a marriage. I have always been independent and done whatever I want whenever I want so I don’t know if I have struggled to adjust to change, or if that shouldn’t need to change.

We have a small baby and my mum suggested baby and I go and stay with her for a couple of nights. She suggested DH come too but he’s working so wouldn’t be able to. Since DD was born, there have been times where I’ve struggled and desperately wanted my mum (I know, it’s been a challenge to go from a grown independent woman to crying because I need my mum...) so DH has always said I can go to my mum’s whenever I want or need to. Just last week he asked when I’m going home to my mums because we haven’t been in a couple of weeks.

So when my mum suggested DD and I visit and stay for a couple of days, I agreed. I then told DH that we’re going to my mum’s.

DH didn’t object or anything but later told me it annoyed him that I didn’t run it by him before agreeing and that it made him feel like I don’t value his input.

I understand where he’s coming from but in my head, he tells me to go home whenever I want so I didn’t think I need to consult with him first.

Was I being unreasonable or is this the sort of thing I need to check in a marriage before agreeing?

I think I agree with the majority. I would not be impressed if DH announced he was taking our kids to IL for a few days despite us discussing him taking them down for the day. It’s not the same. If he asked and suggested then we could discuss it, then fine but not a few days as a done deal. I think the upset was that it went from 1 day to a few and with kids it is different, DD is his child too.
And to be fair he was fine about it and only brought it up later which is fair, I think he’s been fair.

Shared electronic calendar. Really useful especially when your child is older. It saves communication mess ups and everyone feels they're "in" on the info.

@LolaSmiles

YABU. It's not about seeking permission, but about communicating as a couple. I'd be annoyed if DH made plans to take DC away for several nights and then informed me what was happening. I wouldn't say "but a few days ago I mentioned going to see my parents and you said go whenever you like" as a get out for this either.

I wouldn't say "but a few days ago I mentioned going to see my parents and you said go whenever you like" as a get out for this either.

But genuinely, how is that not a get out? .

I don't get it, he was asking OP when she was going and encouraging her to visit? Also it's not like she's going on the day she told him, he does have prior notice.

It sounds like it may have just been a really slight communication thing as in, you presented it as a done deal and he felt a little excluded.

For example, I have been talking about visiting my friend for weeks now and today I actually made the arrangement on a weekend I know is free and told my partner.

It’s the difference between: ‘I’m going to L’s that weekend, ok?’

And ‘I’m going to L’s that weekend.’

The first makes him feel consulted (even though I’ve already made the decision) whereas the second makes him feel excluded. It would be easier to raise an objection on the rare occasion he had one.

The fact that he doesn't mind when she goes, still doesn't excuse the not running the dates past him though. I don't mind when DH goes anywhere but if it was fir a few nights I would like him to say just checking these dates are OK, 1 because it is a common courtesy and 2 if I happened to do exactly the same we could end up with a scenario where neither of us were here and nobody to feed the animals, or let a meter reader in or any other mundane thing that needs doing.
He also might like to arrange a night out whilst OP is away instead of coming home cooking for 1 and the person he may wish to go with might need to make arrangements

Bibidy
Because an abstract conversation where in principle there's no issue is totally different to telling a child's parents that you're taking them away for several nights and have made all the arrangements with your family instead of talking to your spouse and the parent of your child.

Could you imagine the responses:
DH said he has missed his family and I'd said I'm happy for him to see them whenever. Today I find out that he's gone behind my back and arranged to take our children away for several days and he didn't bother to speak to me about this Apparently I'm the unreasonable one because I recently said he could see his parents whenever, and therefore he has no responsibility to actually discuss plans for our children with me.

Next time leave Him a note... in his diary.

I don't see it as unreasonable he was a tad put out. There's a big difference between I'm seeing my mum for a few hours, versus me and baby are staying away a few days. If when a bit older, he said he was going to his mums with the child for a few days, after talking about visiting for the day- would this bother you? It's not so much about permission, but about a discussion of plans.

I wouldn't check if it was OK with my DH if he was working anyway, I would just tell him I was going, my DH wouldn't bat an eyelid at that though.

I'm surprised so many people are saying you don't need to ask permission. IMO, both partners need to ask permission before doing something major (that includes time away, a large purchase, inviting people round to the house, etc.)

PerveenMistry

He's not your master. Tell him to get a grip

No but he is the babies Dad...so you would be ok with your partner taking your child away overnight for a few nights without telling you first?
Communication is the basis of a good marriage.

She didn't go behind his back!!
They'd already discussed it on several occasions and he agreed with was a good idea. So it was fair to assume he would be OK with it.
*DH has always said I can go to my mum’s whenever I want or need to. Just last week he asked when I’m going home to my mums because we haven’t been in a couple of weeks."
OP then said I'm going on xyz dates, presumably that was before she left. That was his chance to discuss it but he didn't and then he complained about this after her return. He could easily have said if the dates didn't suit him when she announced it, as it clearly wasn't set in stone.
But the OP has not said that it didn't suit his plans, just that he objected afterwards when it was too late for her to do anything about it.
OP. You shouldn't have to ask permission. But perhaps have a chat about how you can both communicate better... and make sure that both of you conform to this, not one rule for you and another for him.

@LagunaBubbles

PerveenMistry

He's not your master. Tell him to get a grip

No but he is the babies Dad...so you would be ok with your partner taking your child away overnight for a few nights without telling you first?
Communication is the basis of a good marriage.

I agree with you that good communication is the basis of a good marriage however each couple are different and what's OK with one may not be with another. If I put myself in the OPs DHs shoes and I was working and my DH was looking after the baby and I knew he missed his mother and I had said you should go see her, that, in my mind was us having the discussion (and my DH would be the same if it were reversed) so if he then came back and said I've arranged to go stay with my mother for a couple of days next week, I would say "oh great you organised something then"

When he suggested visiting, I don't think he envisaged you staying for a couple of days! There is a big difference there. Is there a reason that you have to stay over one night, let alone 2? Does she live in another country or very far away from where you live?

Yes, 2 days, you definitely should have checked with him.

YABU

Put it another way, if DH was telling me he had arranged to go to his parents with the kids for a couple of days, I would be pissed off.

It's not asking for authorisation, it's normal communication. You are equal partners, he's not just a roomate.

You're going to get a lot more things like this too. It's better all round to communicate regularly, share what's happening and check it works for everyone. Even if you're doing most of the childcare - and I know it''s really tough - it's still his child too, and he'll miss you both. Showing more kindness than you technically need to can help things run smoothly and make it easier when you need him to step into the breech unexpectedly.

Agree with others - there is a difference between a visit being ok in principle and checking that planned dates are ok - not asking permission, just checking that's not a problem.

Always worth looking at these from the opposite perspective. Would the OP be happy if her DH announced he was taking the baby to see his parents for a few days without checking with her first?

In your circumstances, I would have mentioned it to DH before confirming with my mum, not in an asking for permission manner but out of courtesy in case it clashed with something. I would expect him to do the same with me when making arrangements.

You're married! Of course you should have mentioned in advance that you were going away? You're not even going alone but taking his child and didn't think to mention in advance?

I'm surprised so many people are saying you don't need to ask permission. IMO, both partners need to ask permission before doing something major (that includes time away, a large purchase, inviting people round to the house, etc.)
To me asking permission sounds like a parent/child relationship, not a romantic partnership of equals, which is why I don't think partners need to ask permission.

However part of being in a relationship is about communicating with your partner, not just doing your own thing and expecting them to suck it up because the topic came up a few days ago.

Same for big purchases, I don't need DH's permission and he doesn't need mine, but we are a family unit with shared finances, so courtesy and being a team means we discuss big spends.

@LolaSmiles

Bibidy Because an abstract conversation where in principle there's no issue is totally different to telling a child's parents that you're taking them away for several nights and have made all the arrangements with your family instead of talking to your spouse and the parent of your child.

Could you imagine the responses:
DH said he has missed his family and I'd said I'm happy for him to see them whenever. Today I find out that he's gone behind my back and arranged to take our children away for several days and he didn't bother to speak to me about this Apparently I'm the unreasonable one because I recently said he could see his parents whenever, and therefore he has no responsibility to actually discuss plans for our children with me.

Older kids is slightly different to a new mum with a tiny baby though. I am assuming OP is doing the lion's share of care currently otherwise she wouldn't have felt able to make these plans in the first place, and she has already been open and emotional with her DH about needing to see her mum and wanting the support - and he has told her she should go to her mum's whenever she wants to. In OP's shoes, I genuinely wouldn't have seen the issue with arranging a couple of nights with my mum and then letting my DP know ahead of time (which she has) following those conversations with him.

I am guessing OP is doing the lion's share of care for the baby otherwise she wouldn't have thought it OK to make this arrangement, so she probably didn't think her DH would mind.

She hasn't 'gone behind his back' and secretly arranged this regardless of his feelings, she genuinely though he would be fine with it due to previous conversations and she is telling him before it happens so not like she's telling him as she's heading out the door. She also hasn't called him unreasonable, she is just asking what others would have done to get an idea of the norm.

I think it's just a genuine case of a small breakdown in communications. I'd just tell him sorry and that I didn't think he'd mind and will let him know before finalising plans in future.

I think it's just a genuine case of a small breakdown in communications. I'd just tell him sorry and that I didn't think he'd mind and will let him know before finalising plans in future.

I agree, but I think it's a good idea to get it right now to set the scene for when it might matter more. Things get much more complicated with older children and juggling committments. Half of MN is threads where one partner arranged something without checking it was ok first and unwittingly created a childcare/logistical nightmare.

@UserAtRandom

I think it's just a genuine case of a small breakdown in communications. I'd just tell him sorry and that I didn't think he'd mind and will let him know before finalising plans in future.

I agree, but I think it's a good idea to get it right now to set the scene for when it might matter more. Things get much more complicated with older children and juggling committments. Half of MN is threads where one partner arranged something without checking it was ok first and unwittingly created a childcare/logistical nightmare.

I do agree with you, but think in this case, OP should be let off as with a tiny baby and her DH working she could be very confident that it wouldn't cause any logistical problems for anyone, it's more a case of courtesy I guess.

But agree for older children.

Cringing at a lot of these responses .. absolutely cringing..

It’s not asking permission, it’s having the courtesy to discuss plans with your partner

I agree. And it’s all the more important when you’re taking his child. I’d certainly be pissed off if my DH just announced that he was taking one of our kids somewhere with no prior warning....