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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not check with DH before making plans to visit parents?

112 replies

NCAccount · 04/05/2021 01:01

I haven’t been married for long so I genuinely don’t know what is reasonable or unreasonable in a marriage. I have always been independent and done whatever I want whenever I want so I don’t know if I have struggled to adjust to change, or if that shouldn’t need to change.

We have a small baby and my mum suggested baby and I go and stay with her for a couple of nights. She suggested DH come too but he’s working so wouldn’t be able to. Since DD was born, there have been times where I’ve struggled and desperately wanted my mum (I know, it’s been a challenge to go from a grown independent woman to crying because I need my mum...) so DH has always said I can go to my mum’s whenever I want or need to. Just last week he asked when I’m going home to my mums because we haven’t been in a couple of weeks.

So when my mum suggested DD and I visit and stay for a couple of days, I agreed. I then told DH that we’re going to my mum’s.

DH didn’t object or anything but later told me it annoyed him that I didn’t run it by him before agreeing and that it made him feel like I don’t value his input.

I understand where he’s coming from but in my head, he tells me to go home whenever I want so I didn’t think I need to consult with him first.

Was I being unreasonable or is this the sort of thing I need to check in a marriage before agreeing?

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 04/05/2021 17:53

Bibidy
It is a break down in communication, I agree.
It is also planning to take a child away for several days and making all the arrangements without talking to the child's other parent. I didn't mean for 'behind their back to convey sneakiness or deliberate dishonesty, just the act of firming up plans without including their partner.

In terms of being unreasonable, I do think it's unreasonable when partners make big plans in discussion with people outside their relationship before their partner.

There's also lots of threads on here where couples have issues because one partner involves their parents in discussions and plans before their spouse, and/or issues are created by couples doing their own thing and not communicating.

Fixitup2 · 04/05/2021 17:57

It does seem poor communication. I’d ask out of courtesy. Especially as it’s not just you going but you taking his baby also. If you put yourself in his shoes I’m sure you’d want to be consulted first.

Original poster

NCAccount · 04/05/2021 23:13

Thank you everyone!

Just to clarify a couple of things - when DH was persuading me to go to my mum’s, he meant to stay over, not a day visit. So the conversations about me going was to stay over. We never talked about how long but every time I’ve gone, pre and post baby, I’ve stayed for 2 nights.

I also already knew DH has no plans. DH works full time from around 9am to 8pm every week day so he never has plans on weekdays. I therefore wouldn’t ever make plans to go to my mum’s on the weekend when that’s the only real free time he has.

But I genuinely appreciate the input. I’m still trying to adjust to sharing my life with someone else instead of having my own freedom to do whatever I want, hence why I wasn’t sure whether I got it wrong here or if it was DH. I fully accept it was me and that I need to work on my communication. Thank you.

OP posts:

EdwinPootsLovesArchaeology · 04/05/2021 23:26

@NCAccount

Thank you everyone!

Well given all this ^^, OP, it really does sound like he is being hard work.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/05/2021 23:28

I dont think it's about staying at your mums, its about taking the baby away for a few days. I'd have been upset not to have been involved in the decision to spend a few days without my very young baby

SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/05/2021 23:42

But I genuinely appreciate the input. I’m still trying to adjust to sharing my life with someone else instead of having my own freedom to do whatever I want

I have to ask. Were you not together before the wedding? Wedding doesn't change that much in these matters. Communication and courtesy towards each other is key in any relationship whether you are married or not

Devlesko · 04/05/2021 23:50

I just think it's courtesy in any relationship tbh.
You aren't asking permission, just checkin it's ok with the other and informing them. He could have a surprise for her, or some other reason.
I've been married 29 years and we still check with each other, I've never asked his permission though.

BlackDaffodil · 04/05/2021 23:54

Enjoy your visit to your Mums 🌸🌺

katy1213 · 04/05/2021 23:54

I can see why you'd ask if you were planning to go away and leave him holding the baby. But as you're taking the baby, what possible difference can it make to him?

Original poster

NCAccount · 04/05/2021 23:58

@SchrodingersImmigrant We moved in together after the wedding, which was just before lockdown. So for a year we’ve both been home and not made any plans at all and before we got married, I would spend the weekends at his and do whatever I wanted during the week.

OP posts:

Pinkyavocado · 05/05/2021 00:26

I would have spoken to my DH first but more to tell him we were going rather than asking permission. Put the shoe in the other foot and ask yourself how you’d feel.

BlackDaffodil · 05/05/2021 00:29

[quote NCAccount]@SchrodingersImmigrant We moved in together after the wedding, which was just before lockdown. So for a year we’ve both been home and not made any plans at all and before we got married, I would spend the weekends at his and do whatever I wanted during the week.[/quote]

You did nothing wrong, enjoy your visit to your Mums.

NeedATan · 05/05/2021 00:55

Surely by now 'home' is where you live with your DH and DC, not your mum's....

BlackDaffodil · 05/05/2021 00:56

@NeedATan

Surely by now 'home' is where you live with your DH and DC, not your mum's....

jesus christ 🙄

Original poster

NCAccount · 05/05/2021 04:28

@NeedATan where have I said otherwise?

Thank you @BlackDaffodil. Just having someone look after me and help with baby helps! Before anyone asks, DH helps and is hands on, but he works long hours in a demanding job so Monday to Friday his ability to help is limited and so I’m very much on my own until the weekends.

OP posts:

Mumbot345635 · 05/05/2021 04:32

Well done OP for taking the feedback on board. I would set the tone by just dropping a casual apology to him. If he’s a decent one he’ll likely apologise back too.

Enjoy your visit to your mums!

Lullaby88 · 05/05/2021 05:00

Yeah i'd defo run it past my husband and would expect him to do the same if he was to plan something too. We always do and just check in with one another.

Crowsandshivers · 05/05/2021 06:07

I can see why he is upset. I always say, "Do we have any plans on x week? Because I was talking to mum about staying with those days." I've already made the plans but just showing that I know it will impact family plans so it makes him feel valued.

NeedATan · 05/05/2021 13:29

[quote NCAccount]@NeedATan where have I said otherwise?

Thank you @BlackDaffodil. Just having someone look after me and help with baby helps! Before anyone asks, DH helps and is hands on, but he works long hours in a demanding job so Monday to Friday his ability to help is limited and so I’m very much on my own until the weekends.[/quote]
In the OP and then again later:

'Just last week he asked when I’m going home to my mums'

AmyLou100 · 05/05/2021 13:33

It courtesy to do so especially as you are taking your DC with.

Returnoftheowl · 05/05/2021 13:40

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I agree with this. How you would feel if he announced he has taking the baby away from you for a few days?

Original poster

NCAccount · 05/05/2021 13:41

@NeedATan But where have I said that my home is not with my husband and child? Just because my childhood home will always be home, doesn’t mean that my home is not with my family. That’s just nonsense.

OP posts:

Original poster

NCAccount · 05/05/2021 13:44

@Mumbot345635

Well done OP for taking the feedback on board. I would set the tone by just dropping a casual apology to him. If he’s a decent one he’ll likely apologise back too.

Enjoy your visit to your mums!

I did apologise, told him I understand where he’s coming from and I need to get better at communication. He stressed that he has no issue with me staying at my mum’s, but just wants to feel involved rather than me just telling him.

OP posts:

mumto2teenagers · 05/05/2021 13:49

It sounds like he is supportive of you going, I think you should have run it past him.

I would never ask my husbands permission to do something or he ask mine, but would normally mention it before confirming to check dates work.

Original poster

NCAccount · 05/05/2021 13:52

@mumto2teenagers I know, I need to not see it as needing permission, which is how I viewed it when he said I should have consulted him. I already knew the dates work, which is why I didn’t need to check that point, but didn’t think that maybe I should have simply checked generally.

It’s a learning experience for me!

OP posts:

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