To not check with DH before making plans to visit parents?

[NCAccount]

I haven’t been married for long so I genuinely don’t know what is reasonable or unreasonable in a marriage. I have always been independent and done whatever I want whenever I want so I don’t know if I have struggled to adjust to change, or if that shouldn’t need to change.

We have a small baby and my mum suggested baby and I go and stay with her for a couple of nights. She suggested DH come too but he’s working so wouldn’t be able to. Since DD was born, there have been times where I’ve struggled and desperately wanted my mum (I know, it’s been a challenge to go from a grown independent woman to crying because I need my mum...) so DH has always said I can go to my mum’s whenever I want or need to. Just last week he asked when I’m going home to my mums because we haven’t been in a couple of weeks.

So when my mum suggested DD and I visit and stay for a couple of days, I agreed. I then told DH that we’re going to my mum’s.

DH didn’t object or anything but later told me it annoyed him that I didn’t run it by him before agreeing and that it made him feel like I don’t value his input.

I understand where he’s coming from but in my head, he tells me to go home whenever I want so I didn’t think I need to consult with him first.

Was I being unreasonable or is this the sort of thing I need to check in a marriage before agreeing?

To clarify, his objection was not visiting my mum, but spending a couple of nights there without consulting him first.

I would notify, not consult. Consultation implies that it's up for discussion.

So.. "I'll be going to my mum's next week for a couple of days".

I personally wouldn't get into this permission nonsense. Your DH is saying you should have checked with him first and as you're the one fill time with a baby, I disagree.

You'll find yourself asking for permission to go on a night out, if you bow down to this.

When I was in your position, I decided I was going to see my mum and then I let him know I'd be going. Unless I'd forgotten about a prior commitment, he doesn't have the right to tell me not to go. I was so exhausted and sleep deprived.

I know, I need to not see it as needing permission, which is how I viewed it when he said I should have consulted him. I already knew the dates work, which is why I didn’t need to check that point, but didn’t think that maybe I should have simply checked generally.

But consult is about seeking permission or requesting approval to me, so I can see why you took it as you did. Notifying and informing is what I would do.

I don't think you needed to check, as you knew the dates worked.

The way you start a marriage, is the standard for how it carries on IMO.

[quote NCAccount]@SchrodingersImmigrant We moved in together after the wedding, which was just before lockdown. So for a year we’ve both been home and not made any plans at all and before we got married, I would spend the weekends at his and do whatever I wanted during the week.[/quote]
Ahh. That explains it.

You should sit down and have a conversation about how will you both communicate these things. Do whatever suits you both the best no matter what's normal for others

It's not so much asking permission, as being common courtesy to check with the other parent before taking your shared dc away for a couple of days.

I would have hated to be away from my dc for a few days when they were babies, so I can see why he is irritated.

@SandyY2K I must admit, that’s how I viewed “consult”. In my head, he encouraged me to go, and I arranged a visit during weekdays when I know he’d be busy working so it’s just me and the baby anyway. So I told him I’m going to my mum’s for a couple of nights. Consulting did feel like we need to have a discussion about it, which feels more than the “going to my mum’s tomorrow, ok?” approach, but we already did when he encouraged me to go because he feels bad I’m doing it all on my own.

But equally because I never had to consult plans with anyone before I got married, and our first year of marriage was during covid where I had no plans at all, I wasn’t sure whether it’s me being super sensitive about it.

But either way, whether it’s him or me, I need to get better at communication. I fully accept that.

Normally you tel them ‘I’m doing x on y date’
They say ‘ok’

Come Y date they say ‘oh but you didn’t tel me!’

[quote NCAccount]@SandyY2K I must admit, that’s how I viewed “consult”. In my head, he encouraged me to go, and I arranged a visit during weekdays when I know he’d be busy working so it’s just me and the baby anyway. So I told him I’m going to my mum’s for a couple of nights. Consulting did feel like we need to have a discussion about it, which feels more than the “going to my mum’s tomorrow, ok?” approach, but we already did when he encouraged me to go because he feels bad I’m doing it all on my own.

But equally because I never had to consult plans with anyone before I got married, and our first year of marriage was during covid where I had no plans at all, I wasn’t sure whether it’s me being super sensitive about it.[/quote]
I agree with you OP, I don't really understand the issue as it sounds like you'd spoken about it all beforehand, just not the exact dates.

I'd understand if you were expecting to leave the baby with him, but you're not.

@NCAccount

Thank you everyone!

Just to clarify a couple of things - when DH was persuading me to go to my mum’s, he meant to stay over, not a day visit. So the conversations about me going was to stay over. We never talked about how long but every time I’ve gone, pre and post baby, I’ve stayed for 2 nights.

I also already knew DH has no plans. DH works full time from around 9am to 8pm every week day so he never has plans on weekdays. I therefore wouldn’t ever make plans to go to my mum’s on the weekend when that’s the only real free time he has.

But I genuinely appreciate the input. I’m still trying to adjust to sharing my life with someone else instead of having my own freedom to do whatever I want, hence why I wasn’t sure whether I got it wrong here or if it was DH. I fully accept it was me and that I need to work on my communication. Thank you.

Honestly, all that considered I would have done exactly the same as you and my husband really wouldn't have batted an eyelid about it so I don't necessarily think you were wrong, you two just have different expectations in communication. Like you (and my DH would feel the same) I would have taken that conversation as letting him know I was arranging something. To me, it would be a bit odd to have had that conversation, then call my mother and ask when suits her, then tell her OK I'll tell you if I can come at those dates after I clear it with my DH (even though I know he's working till 8pm both nights and we've already discussed me going to stay with you) then ask Dh, then phone your mother back and say Yes I can come then

mountain out of a mole hill. 🌸

I voted YABU because my husband does this all the damn time and it drives me barmy!

Im not saying he should ask for permission, it's just nice to know he's made plans so I don't either.

He thinks that's controlling, I say it's just courteous.

Personally I have family 130 miles away I'd I go to visit on my own even when I knew dp was in Amsterdam with his friends that weekend I would normally say are you OK if I go visit my dad and brother. Always a yes but it's just courtesy. There was one time he was working the weekend and asked me not to go. Turned out he had ordered something big for the house and it was being delivered on the Saturday morning. I was fine to go after that arrived.