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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Argument with dh over holiday

147 replies

CatsnCoffee · 03/05/2021 22:54

We met at Uni 34 years ago and moved to dh’s hometown just before marrying 6 years later. When our dc were younger we visited my parents for a week/10 days every Summer. This was lovely in lots of ways, but there was always friction before and during our stay between dh and me.
Given that I only see my hometown on these infrequent visits, I wish my dh would make more effort to be positive about them. We don’t have loads of money, but these are our only annual holidays and he always looks for cheap options and likes to take charge of all the planning etc. He is a temperamental person and can go into a rage/ become very frustrated very easily with me and doesn’t restrain this when on holiday.
16 years ago my Dad died. 7 years ago my Mum died, leaving my Aunt as my remaining family there. I regret not seeing more of my parents when they were alive.
2 years since our last holiday there the children and I have been looking forward to returning there this Summer, but today dh brought up the subject with me and it ended in a very unpleasant exchange over which I feel very defeated. I’ve told him he’s spoilt our previous holidays and I can’t face another conversation with him on the subject. A bad atmosphere hangs over us and I deeply resent his attitude.

OP posts:

BlackDaffodil · 04/05/2021 15:32

I think you got the wrong thread 🙈

I have 😱 I have 😂

I reported it ages ago... but its still there 🤔 🌸

PhatPhanny · 04/05/2021 15:39

Going 'on holiday' to visit family isnt a 'holiday' to me.

So I can understand your DH point.

ZorbaTheHoarder · 04/05/2021 15:50

I suspect your DH made it so difficult for you to go and visit your parents on your own (by being unpleasant and aggressive) that you didn't feel able to go more than once a year - with him keeping an eye on you, even though he moaned and protested for the entire holiday - am I right, OP?

ImaginaryCat · 04/05/2021 15:53

When I was a kid my paternal GPs lived on one of the Greek islands. Every year for about 8 years we'd go there for our fortnight holiday in the summer. At the time I loved it but I look back now and with hindsight can see the simmering resentment in my mum's eyes. Those two weeks were precious to her, no work, lots of sun, sea and sand, etc. But she got no say in the destination. She saw her parents at least once a month so didn't feel she could deprive my dad of his one annual visit to his parents. But it sucked for her. And that was a Greek island, which is a far cry from the English coast!

Gwenhwyfar · 04/05/2021 17:19

@PhatPhanny

Going 'on holiday' to visit family isnt a 'holiday' to me.

So I can understand your DH point.

It's the only holiday many people can afford. (I agree it's not a very exciting one)

Ifonlyus · 04/05/2021 17:29

Some people on this thread have the empathy and emotional intelligence of a brick. Read between the lines. Her DH is not 'temperanental' and has rages and 'likes to take care of all the planning' and all you can do is blame the OP for being an enabler or blame the OP for making her DH angry because you wouldn't appreciate a trip to someone's hometown a holiday that you would enjoy.

Ifonlyus · 04/05/2021 17:31

Sorry her DH is temperamental.

BlackDaffodil · 04/05/2021 17:40

He's a prick. I'd have left him long ago.

I'm sorry for you OP.

RiojaRose · 04/05/2021 17:44

Flying into a rage? That’s a hugely inappropriate reaction to wanting a different kind of holiday than one’s partner wants. I also don’t understand how anyone can be so tired after a 3 hour drive that they need a nap. Is he controlling in other ways OP?

Alwaysandforeverhere · 04/05/2021 17:45

He is being an arse for being an arse.

You are bu for making the family holiday for so many years be a week to your parents bar 2/3 holidays.

You live in wales so I’m shocked you haven’t even had holidays in other parts of Wales.

Why is your oldest estranged? I expect your husband sleep after the drive because it’s more of a oh ffs here we are again. Same as his agitation while driving there.

Why didn’t you ever go alone/with the children? Why always a week rather than random weekend.

BlackDaffodil · 04/05/2021 19:39

Its a shame OP could only see her parents on this yearly visit. So very sad and controlling. DH's parents are openly xenophobic about OP's parents and her DH was vile about even visiting.

OP, Im sorry neither of your parents are still around, I wonder if they picked up your DH's disdain for them.

RampantIvy · 04/05/2021 19:47

This all sounds rather sad.

Both DH and I moved away from where we grew up, and visits home were to see family and not viewed as holidays. Having done countless journeys up and down the A1 for over 40 years we are bored and tired of visiting the same place several times a year. So I can see why the OP's husband is not looking forward to going (yet again)

Why can't you go without him? I often used to visit my family without DH, and when his mum was still alive he used to go and stay with her for one week every month without me to look after her (she had alzheimer's).

Do you drive @CatsnCoffee?

I feel that there is more to this, and I hope you can see a way forward.

BlackDaffodil · 04/05/2021 21:06

The most interesting question here is ... why don't you go visit without him.

Has anyone considered that DH wouldn't allow OP to go alone. OP stated the visits were infrequent and he was I quote..

"can go into a rage/ become very frustrated very easily with me and doesn’t restrain this" even in front of OP's parents.

Im sorry but I think I understand why OP could not visit alone. Despite it not being obvious to others. He would not stand for it.

In my opinion.

Rewis · 04/05/2021 21:10

@BlackDaffodil

The most interesting question here is ... why don't you go visit without him.

Has anyone considered that DH wouldn't allow OP to go alone. OP stated the visits were infrequent and he was I quote..

"can go into a rage/ become very frustrated very easily with me and doesn’t restrain this" even in front of OP's parents.

Im sorry but I think I understand why OP could not visit alone. Despite it not being obvious to others. He would not stand for it.

In my opinion.

I think a lot of us are worried about this being the case but since op has not answered any of the question it's hard to say. Wish they would come back and clear a few things that would make it easier to advice.

BlackDaffodil · 04/05/2021 21:42

@Rewis

yes I agree 🌸

CandyLeBonBon · 04/05/2021 21:54

@BlackDaffodil

I think you got the wrong thread 🙈

I have 😱 I have 😂

I reported it ages ago... but its still there 🤔 🌸

It's still here!!!

CandyLeBonBon · 04/05/2021 22:05

I get tired after a 3 hour long motorway drive. I find it draining. I like to have some space, and possibly a quiet snooze afterwards because that's how it affects me.

I actually drive quite a lot for my job, but a 3 hour motorway trek affects me differently, for some reason.

I used to drive 5.5 hours straight to visit mum when I was in my twenties but I don't feel quite that robust any more. I get tired. Im slight that people on here are so dismissive tbh.

I also would feel resentful if my annual summer leave was spent visiting relatives every year. His, or mine.

Visiting my mum isn't a holiday, no matter how much I love her. Visiting his (now Ex) even less so!

It feels like there's way more going on here than has been said.

I can be withdrawn and recalcitrant when I feel unheard, taken advantage of and ignored. Especially if I've tried really hard to be fair and take someone else's views, needs and opinions into account, and that doesn't happen in return.

No idea if either of those circumstances is accurate but something doesn't add up here.

ImInStealthMode · 04/05/2021 22:29

For once I can't work out who is being unreasonable?!? DH sounds like he has some less than charming personality traits to put it lightly, but on the other hand I'd be extremely disgruntled at spending my one precious holiday in the same English seaside town every year for 3 decades, particularly if it meant staying with in-laws for extended periods.

So many questions already posed that I wish you'd answer OP, it might provide some clarity to readers who are being asked to let you know if you're unreasonable or not.

RampantIvy · 04/05/2021 22:40

I'm slight confused that people on here are so dismissive tbh.

I agree. It's almost like a race to the bottom. I do a lot of motorway driving, but when DH and I do a long drive we always split the driving between us. I will be driving 2 hours to collect DD this weekend, then driving 2 hours back, but I wouldn't want to do any more than that in one day without swapping over with DH.

Original poster

CatsnCoffee · 05/05/2021 11:37

@Topseyt

Thank you for your empathy.

OP posts:

kittycorner · 05/05/2021 13:53

Very separate issues here

Your DH's behaviour - not okay. This is your family and I'm a tad aghast that I think you are saying despite it only being a 3 hour drive you say them once a year?! No wonder you have deep regrets after their death, that's hard.

Why don't you go on your own and have a lovely holiday with dc without them. If you can't drive, then take the train and make a fun time of it. You don't need to go on a trip to your family with your dh.

I suspect it's not just holidays he is difficult about tbh.

Talk to your aunt and tell her how much accommodation is. Many hotels have family suites, with just you and 2 dc it should be fine tbh. It isn't like you'll be spending hours in the room. Families do this all the time and without dh's moods it will likely be easier.

kittycorner · 05/05/2021 13:59

@CatsnCoffee one more thing, being with family takes a lot of work to make it more like a holiday. What we've tried to do is rent a cottage so we have our own proper space - garden, kitchen, 2 bedrooms + etc. A week in a cottage seeing family maybe 3-4x in that week, still allows for lots of other opportunities to feel in the holiday mood. If you can swing it with another few days somewhere else en route there or home, even better.

A friends family lives in Cornwall, they rent a small cottage right near her parents for a week, they usually do a Sunday dinner together, and afternoon tea, a nice walk somewhere and a NT property. But without parents they do a couple day trips to other locations, days out etc. Then en route home they do 3/4 nights at a budget caravan in Devon, and have 4 full days of fun there too. They aren't rich, or even comfortable per se, they have to scrimp and save to make this happen yearly. I think @CatsnCoffee when your partner makes things difficult it is really hard to plan and find positive things to do. I'm sorry you are in this situation. It really sounds like your partner controls things with his mood/temper. I hope you are okay.

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