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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Argument with dh over holiday

147 replies

CatsnCoffee · 03/05/2021 22:54

We met at Uni 34 years ago and moved to dh’s hometown just before marrying 6 years later. When our dc were younger we visited my parents for a week/10 days every Summer. This was lovely in lots of ways, but there was always friction before and during our stay between dh and me.
Given that I only see my hometown on these infrequent visits, I wish my dh would make more effort to be positive about them. We don’t have loads of money, but these are our only annual holidays and he always looks for cheap options and likes to take charge of all the planning etc. He is a temperamental person and can go into a rage/ become very frustrated very easily with me and doesn’t restrain this when on holiday.
16 years ago my Dad died. 7 years ago my Mum died, leaving my Aunt as my remaining family there. I regret not seeing more of my parents when they were alive.
2 years since our last holiday there the children and I have been looking forward to returning there this Summer, but today dh brought up the subject with me and it ended in a very unpleasant exchange over which I feel very defeated. I’ve told him he’s spoilt our previous holidays and I can’t face another conversation with him on the subject. A bad atmosphere hangs over us and I deeply resent his attitude.

OP posts:

Diamondnights · 04/05/2021 13:52

It's hard to judge from this post tbh. DH may be a controlling arse but he may also have been v frustrated having to go to the same town every year, as virtually his only holiday for 30+ years!

Maybe he felt that now your parents are gone it was a chance to go somewhere else and now you look like you are setting up another routine of however many years to visit your aunt.

YABU or YANBU depending on the extent of his reaction and what his usual behaviour is like.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 04/05/2021 13:52

he's being ridiculous .. 3 hours is nothing.

I do agree that a three hour journey for a holiday is nothing, but when you're doing all the driving to a destination you don't want to visit, I can see why it soon gets annoying. Especially when you do the same thing year in, year out.

MintyMabel · 04/05/2021 14:00

Dh could share with ds and you share with dd. Gives you a break from him!!

Shit for the DS though. I’m guessing his temperamental rages extend to his teenage son too.

LifeinaNorthernTown · 04/05/2021 14:02

Yeah I'm struggling to understand why you only saw your parents once a year when they are only a 3 hour drive away - some days I drive that to get to work

Maggiesfarm · 04/05/2021 14:05

You're not unreasonable. Obviously your husband doesn't particularly like going there so take the children and leave him behind. Let him pay for another holiday for all of you that does float his boat.

IntermittentParps · 04/05/2021 14:05

So is Fleetwood or Rhyl but wild horses wouldn't drag me to either of them.
How rude.

Why didn't you visit your parents more frequently?
How insensitive and crass.

OP, I don't get why your DH finds driving for three hours so very tiring or needs to go to bed for a couple of hours when you arrive. I also don't get what you mean by 'he’s become very agitated and it’s become a nightmare'.
Why does he have a problem with these visits?
I don't feel like we've got all the info.

Rewis · 04/05/2021 14:08

@sunflowersandbuttercups

he's being ridiculous .. 3 hours is nothing.

I think the main thing is that why is it a holiday? Why isn't it a normal weekend trip through the year. With 3h drive it shouldn't be one or the other. Unless there is something very off in the relationship or financies are very bad. Or why op can't go on her own? Why husband can't suffer the visit once a year (not on hiliday setting) when his wife moved to Wales? There is tons of information missing.

Roodicus21 · 04/05/2021 14:12

It's not really a holiday though is it? It's visiting family in your home town that happens to be by the sea. Unless this trip is replacing a family holiday every year then I don't see the issue. Plus you said your aunt is paying for a hotel, so it's actually a free trip (bar petrol, food etc).

Go on your own would be my advice. When I lived in another country to my family I would regularly take dc 3-4 times a year on my own. Dh might join us once a year, but I much preferred going on my own then I could please myself and see my old friends, extended family members etc that dh wouldn't be overly interested in.

Viviennemary · 04/05/2021 14:15

Not surprised he's in a mood if his annual holidays are spent every year at your relatives. Or have I got it wrong.

BlackDaffodil · 04/05/2021 14:16

@roguetomato

I think 3 hours driving to somewhere you don't want to go, while the person who wants to go sit back and relax, is not an ideal holiday, imo.

sit and relax... with kids in the car..

it just doesn't happen 😂

BlackDaffodil · 04/05/2021 14:18

@Viviennemary

Not surprised he's in a mood if his annual holidays are spent every year at your relatives. Or have I got it wrong.

yes you've got it wrong.

BreatheAndFocus · 04/05/2021 14:19

Does your DH become very agitated on the 3 hour drive because he has MH problems? “Agitated” is a strange word to use. Why does he need to sleep after a 3hr drive?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. But would day trips elsewhere or weekends away elsewhere help him not fuss so much? Perhaps arranged close to your trip home so they’re a distraction.

Sorry for your loss

BlackDaffodil · 04/05/2021 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 04/05/2021 14:23

I don't get why your H hates going to your hometown so much?
He sounds like a selfish, angry dickhead. Why are you with someone so horrible that he has ruined all the trips to visit your parents when they were alive? What kind of dickhead does that to his wife, when she has moved to live in his hometown around his family? Honestly OP, I think your life would be far more enjoyable without him and his selfishness and his anger.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/05/2021 14:28

I don't get why your H hates going to your hometown so much?

My DH and I are from wonderful and interesting places. Even I wouldn't be happy going to only these (and that's 2, not just 1).
He behaved badly, but I kind if get his issue with it.

Gothichouse40 · 04/05/2021 14:31

To be honest if it's that much of an issue, visit your aunt on your own and have another holiday together. If husband doesn't like it-tough. If he loses his temper, walk away, let him calm down and then tell him straight if he cannot cope with an adult conversation he has an issue. I would suggest he attends some kind of anger management course. If he is not prepared to do this, you need to seriously ask yourself do you want to be on the receiving end of this behaviour for the rest of your life? As that is how it will be.

CharlotteRose90 · 04/05/2021 14:33

@BlackDaffodil

He won't end this ...

it's an 8 year relationship, she will know things about Him you don't even know, She will know his inner thoughts emotions distresses His frustrations, His opinions on your relationship, your parenting style, His opinions about your sex life, what He really thinks about you.

This is awful OP, She's sewn into the fabric of your entire marriage, and I'll bet He contacted Her last night too, to share his upset.

I think you got the wrong thread 🙈

lottiegarbanzo · 04/05/2021 14:40

34 years of him being temperamental and you feeling easily defeated sounds pretty shit.

How old are your DC? Do they actually care about this place, lots of happy memories there and things they want to do, or are they keen to make you happy, or to side with you against him?

Could you and he not holiday separately?

ifonlyus · 04/05/2021 14:45

CatsnCoffee Is there more to this? Would you have been allowed to visit your parents without your DH, or did you ever try? If they were 3 hours drive away, were they accessible by train if you don't drive? Did you see your parents beyond that 7/10 days each summer?

My parents live 3-4 hours drive away and I have at times visited alone or just with the DC. We've used the train.

You sound like you might not have much independence.... I don't think there is anything wrong with having an annual holiday in your hometown, if it is a seaside town, if you were staying with relatives and if you otherwise could not afford to go somewhere else.

I know you said your DH got on very well with your mother - did he stop you seeing her without you being present?

CokeDrinker · 04/05/2021 14:55

Why have you not had counselling with him re his temperament before? You're saying you just accepted it for all these years, thus enabled and encouraged his behaviour? You should have got him some help many years ago and nipped it in the bud. My DH would have behaved like that precisely once, and once only.

Also I agree with others. Every year is too much, maybe every 3 years, but what about his family? Maybe he would choose to see them every year. Instead of going to the same place year in year out every year. If you liked it that much, why did you move? Why not move back there then? I see my childhood area maybe once every 10 years. If that. Going back every year, you may as well just move back. So I see both sides. Firstly, you've enabled/encouraged him to treat you like shit, it should have been once only and him know in no uncertain terms he'd be out on his arse if he ever so much as look or spoke to you that way again. But I also would rather stick a fork in each of my eyes and rotate them than going back to his childhood area every single year.

Belladonna12 · 04/05/2021 14:56

I don't really blame your DH for not wanting his holiday to revolve around visiting in laws every year. I experienced the same when my children were small and decided that it just wasn't a holiday and I wasn't going to do it any more. Why can't you visit by yourself?

sunflowersandbuttercups · 04/05/2021 15:09

I totally agree, but I suspect there's a big back story to this.

MeadowHay · 04/05/2021 15:10

This thread is bizarre tbh. Me and DH used to live a 3hr train journey away from our home families and we visited quite regularly throughout the year. I get with very young children how navigating public transport if you don't drive might have been difficult but surely by the time they were 5+ you could have gotten the train with the kids and left DH at home if he didn't want to go? I was really thinking from your OP that your hometown was hours flight away abroad, that's how you made it sound. The whole thing is very odd and I agree with PP that there is surely a lot more going on here between you and your DH than any conflict over a holiday.

Oblomov21 · 04/05/2021 15:16

This thread is very very odd.
I am struggling to understand why all of this, everything Every single poster has posted, hadn't occurred to you yourself.
There Is clearly more to this.

FilthyforFirth · 04/05/2021 15:30

Agree with the above comments, this doesnt make sense. Why an earth were you restricting yourself to see your parents once a year? Did they never visit you? They must have been strangers to their grandchildren. Why would you not judt go visit of a weekend? Without DH if he was so miserable. Going to visit parents isn't a holiday and it is so weird that for years and years you have framed it this way. Why would you not have other normal holidays?

So much is odd!

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