Argument with dh over holiday

[CatsnCoffee]

We met at Uni 34 years ago and moved to dh’s hometown just before marrying 6 years later. When our dc were younger we visited my parents for a week/10 days every Summer. This was lovely in lots of ways, but there was always friction before and during our stay between dh and me.
Given that I only see my hometown on these infrequent visits, I wish my dh would make more effort to be positive about them. We don’t have loads of money, but these are our only annual holidays and he always looks for cheap options and likes to take charge of all the planning etc. He is a temperamental person and can go into a rage/ become very frustrated very easily with me and doesn’t restrain this when on holiday.
16 years ago my Dad died. 7 years ago my Mum died, leaving my Aunt as my remaining family there. I regret not seeing more of my parents when they were alive.
2 years since our last holiday there the children and I have been looking forward to returning there this Summer, but today dh brought up the subject with me and it ended in a very unpleasant exchange over which I feel very defeated. I’ve told him he’s spoilt our previous holidays and I can’t face another conversation with him on the subject. A bad atmosphere hangs over us and I deeply resent his attitude.

Your husband sounds awful, a man with a temper must be exhausting to live with

But I do have some sympathy for someone having to go on holiday to their in laws every year forever. That doesn’t seem like a holiday to me

@AnneLovesGilbert

The issue is the rage not the holidays. If he doesn’t want to go with you he should have said so not punished by you unleashing hell.

Don’t do it again, why would you. See your aunt by yourself, and think about leaving him. My xh was a rager. I can’t tell you how my life improved when I left him.

This cuts to the chase. The holiday argument is merely a symptom of a much more serious problem.

Your life partner should not be someone you have to pussyfoot around for fear of lighting the blue touch paper, OP.

Well it's not a holiday but leave that behind and he sounds like a twat.

My in laws are abroad and we go every year pre CV, but its absolutely not a holiday, it's visiting the family. If it was that or no holiday I'd go with a holiday.

Have re-read your original post. It isn't about the holidays. It's about this:

He is a temperamental person and can go into a rage/ become very frustrated very easily with me and doesn’t restrain this when on holiday.

I think there’s two issues here - one being that if he doesn’t want to come and its somewhere you go every year and he doesn’t enjoy it then he doesn’t need to come; I’m guessing your children are either grown up or definitely don’t need both parents there.
However his behaviour around it is not fair or right; if he doesn’t want to go then he should be an adult about it and suggest you go alone but instead he wants to come and spoil it for you. What you say generally about him going into a rage is not right.

Can you go on your own? You would probably prefer the break and that would leave some budget for a long weekend as a family.

I don't think your dh truly understands the sacrifices you have made for him, and the burden of not seeing more of your parents still lives with you now. I would organise counselling to talk that through.

On a separate note, he should not be flying into rages etc about anything with you. It is not healthy for you to be with someone that can not discuss ideas and plans reasonably. Are you afraid of him?

The rage is the problem, he sounds nasty for that.
However, I can understand why he would want to go somewhere different but I would be taking the kids and visiting without him. He can't have it all.

I would ditch the husband. Life will be so much easier.

I mean I can understand why he wouldn't want to spend every holiday visiting your family however his reactions are awful. Have you ever entertained a discussion about going elsewhere sometimes with him? Is it possible to visit you family without him?

The rage is a problem, and being mardy on holiday too. Why doesn't he just stay home? Why doesn't he enjoy going?

I don't think it's unreasonable for your dh to want to go somewhere else for holiday. Can you not go to your hometown on your own or with kids, separate from family holiday?

As others have said there are two separate issues here.

I do sympathise with DH about going back to the same place every year, especially now that your parents are no longer alive (would be more understandable if you were visiting them).

But of course he shouldn't be angry and nasty about it.

Can you compromise? You go with DC but without DH? Your aunt comes to visit you? You all go for a shorter period (eg a long weekend) and have a week away somewhere else?

Ok, Thanks for the replies I’ve received so far. You all make valid points and I’m trying to process them and make sense of the situation.
Obviously l, I need to clarify some of the details. Dh has always been temperamental and the intensity when we holidayed was the same 20 years ago so it’s not a new response.
I agree we need to go to another location for a non-relative-visiting break and it’s something we’ve sometimes managed in the past eg Majorca one year and a couple of Butlins trips + a trip to Paris. We’re planning a holiday in Italy next year.
My dh was very close to my mum and is currently submerged in researching both our family trees so there’s no hostility towards my family although my aunt can be a loose cannon.
One complication in the planning is that my aunt is treating us to a hotel stay (usually we stay st her place or a Premier Inn). Having not set us a budget and as she’s childless we don’t know how much she’s offering to pay nor if she knows the costs when children are included. My youngest are dd12 and ds15 so the days of everyone sharing a family room have passed and each needs their privacy.
We’re having to deal with some mh issues with youngest and our estranged eldest dd’s and struggling with our own mh issues. We have no real support from family nor professionals except the financial ones like my aunt’s holiday offer (for which I am grateful).

Dh could share with ds and you share with dd.
Gives you a break from him!!

@Macaroni46 Yeah right,totally excuses his childish behavior. Do you have a tantrum when you don't get your way? OP I'd have left a man whose behavior was like a toddler

Sorry you are all having such a hard time OP. 💐
Really I’d just try and draw a line under the issue. Perhaps go visit your aunt alone for 4 days and also book a cheap caravan break as well with DH. To me it just sounds like a bit of rut that you guys have got into whereby all this old historical shit and resentment bubbles up each year. Break the route, be firm wit him and go alone. Don’t talk to him about it again.

"So every holiday you've had has been to your home town to see your family? I really hope the town is a holiday destination!"

To be fair, this is pretty normal for people who move out of their home country/region. She moved to live in DH's area and it should have been part of the deal that she gets to visit her home area regularly.
The problem here really is that they can't afford more than one holiday.

@UmamiMammy

A 3 hour car trip. He does all the driving and finds it very tiring so goes to bed for a couple of hours when we arrive. On many of these journeys he’s become very agitated and it’s become a nightmare so there’s always a risk of that too.

I think there are two separate issues here - his temper (which is completely unacceptable) and the fact that you spend 90% of your holidays in your home town.

I think if you want to visit your aunt, you should go by yourself (maybe for a long weekend either alone or with the DC) and then your main family holiday should be elsewhere. Or perhaps your aunt could come and visit you for a few days instead, if that's possible?

I grew up with my family overseas and I totally get that pull to go home regularly, but I really don't think it's fair that pretty much all your family holidays have been about visiting your parents at home.

My mum would go home (to Australia) every couple of years with me, and maybe once in between on her own, but my dad never accompanied her (or us) - mainly due to the flight but also because it's a big chunk of annual leave to spend visiting your in-laws - however much you like them, it's often not a real break or holiday to spend it with extended family.

@mogtheexcellent

I would ditch the husband. Life will be so much easier.

I agree with this overall.

However, I don't understand why both of you have made this trip every year when it clearly is a source of conflict. Why don't you just go on your own? It sounds like it would be far more enjoyable for everyone concerned.

A 3 hour car trip. He does all the driving and finds it very tiring so goes to bed for a couple of hours when we arrive

From a three hour car drive?!

@itsablessing

Yes, I feel a huge guilt about not visiting my parents more. I’m currently going through all their stuff which I’ve waited to do til now. It’s bringing up lots of memories and making me feel very emotional. This doesn’t help, but I’ve long felt unhappy about seeing so little of them. When my mum died it was very sudden and I probably haven’t dealt with that yet.

OP, what's the background to your eldest daughters' estrangement from you?

"I grew up with my family overseas and I totally get that pull to go home regularly, but I really don't think it's fair that pretty much all your family holidays have been about visiting your parents at home."

I know a lot of families where the mother and children go home every summer, but the father only goes for a long weekend or so "because he's working". I wouldn't like to spend every holiday in the same place with my in-laws either, but then he gets to be in his home town every day.

*Or daughter's - your post isn't clear.