Argument with dh over holiday

[CatsnCoffee]

We met at Uni 34 years ago and moved to dh’s hometown just before marrying 6 years later. When our dc were younger we visited my parents for a week/10 days every Summer. This was lovely in lots of ways, but there was always friction before and during our stay between dh and me.
Given that I only see my hometown on these infrequent visits, I wish my dh would make more effort to be positive about them. We don’t have loads of money, but these are our only annual holidays and he always looks for cheap options and likes to take charge of all the planning etc. He is a temperamental person and can go into a rage/ become very frustrated very easily with me and doesn’t restrain this when on holiday.
16 years ago my Dad died. 7 years ago my Mum died, leaving my Aunt as my remaining family there. I regret not seeing more of my parents when they were alive.
2 years since our last holiday there the children and I have been looking forward to returning there this Summer, but today dh brought up the subject with me and it ended in a very unpleasant exchange over which I feel very defeated. I’ve told him he’s spoilt our previous holidays and I can’t face another conversation with him on the subject. A bad atmosphere hangs over us and I deeply resent his attitude.

There is so much missing from this story.
This annual holiday is a trigger for everybody’s mental health problems. Why are you both putting yourself through it year after year?

The problem is that this is billed as the "family holiday". Otherwise you could just go on your own. In fact going for a couple of days more frequently would have made more sense than going for a week every year - unless it's some amazing holiday location. Your DC are surely not that keen on visiting your aunt for a week either?

I think it is you that has been grossly unreasonable for the last thirty odd years. Your “hometown” is three hours drive away but you have dragged everybody there for their annual holiday every year for thirty years, bar the two occasions you went elsewhere. I am not surprised your husband is on a short fuse. I would have gone crazy by now, I doubt I would still be with you if you had doggedly stuck to this plan.

Anyway isn’t where have have lived for the last thirty years, where you have raised your family, your home now? I would add that I am not without experience of living away from my “hometown”. I don’t live there and I have lived overseas twice, it didn’t mean I forced my husband to use all his leave visiting the place where I grew up every year and nor did I ever wish to.

I suspect you are on eggshells about many things OP. I imagine all life - not just this 'holiday' - is unpleasant with your aggressive husband.

Op, you poor thing - this sounds an utterly miserable state of affairs.

Just a few thoughts, but could you be focussed on returning to your home town every single year because of your regret about not seeing your parents more often? Are you still heading back there in a way to keep them close or to right what you see as a wrong?

Your DH's behaviour is unacceptable, but you know that. As is going for a nap after a three-hour car journey which he does to punish you. Does he have any redeeming qualities or does he always have to have his way and sulks/rages if he doesn't? If you can't think of any, then it's time to start reevaluating your future, not just your holiday plans.

As an aside, at just three hours away, this is an easy trip for a weekend so why not factor in regular weekend visits to see your hometown and your aunt, with your kids in tow (and not your husband), and then plan a longer holiday somewhere completely new. Life really is too short to spend decades retracing steps to the same places - there's some incredible places out there that won't blow the budget.

@Christmasfairy2020
It’s a seaside town.

Well, either the DH is so controlling that OP couldn't go back more often or OP didn't actually want to go back more often but now feels guilty about that decision.
As everyone has said, a 3-hr-drive is nothing - and it would be odd if at least part of that journey isn't covered by public transport.

You have inflicted decades of dreary 'holidays' on him and now he's had enough. Why can't you visit without dragging him along too?

3 hours and he needs a sleep!

Did your parents ever visit you?

@Aprilx

Yes, it should feel like home but it doesn’t. I’m English and not at all nationalistic, but we live in Wales where everyone I’ve met (including my in laws) have contempt for the English so I get snide little comments. My in laws told my parents that although they don’t usually like English people they’d make an exception for them!

You're not obliged to have an unpleasant time. You're an adult. I hate long drives and DP senses my unease which makes him snappy. Solution is I get the train for longer journeys and gaze out of the window and doze instead.

Family life isn't meant to be a punishment. Do the stuff you want, and let him join in if he wants to do it to. Turning up in a mood then starting arguments doesn't count as wanting to do it.

I suspect the whole thing is a lost cause but cut yourself free from this pointless obligation to sending unenjoyable time together. Sack it off.

[quote CatsnCoffee]@Christmasfairy2020
It’s a seaside town.[/quote]
So is Fleetwood or Rhyl but wild horses wouldn't drag me to either of them. Seaside town does not necessarily equal holiday destination nor does it equal enjoyable holiday destination.

Why didn't you visit your parents more frequently?

3 hours! Blimey I drive that sometimes daily for work - I expected it to be a long drive - just go yourself - leave the miserable sod behind - in fact just leave - you'll be happier!

I don't understand the issue with the aunt and the hotel budget. Can't you just price up a few options including Premier Inn which you may not know offers connecting rooms if you ring up, and ask your aunt what she had in mind price wise.

[quote CatsnCoffee]@itsablessing

Yes, I feel a huge guilt about not visiting my parents more. I’m currently going through all their stuff which I’ve waited to do til now. It’s bringing up lots of memories and making me feel very emotional. This doesn’t help, but I’ve long felt unhappy about seeing so little of them. When my mum died it was very sudden and I probably haven’t dealt with that yet.[/quote]
I do really sympathise with you there.

I too live a three hour drive from my parents’ house (the one I grew up in). I too feel sad that the distance meant I often didn’t visit as often as I maybe should have and it is a very hard feeling to deal with. I did visit two or three times a year for weekends or long weekends as that was what they seemed comfortable with as they got older and their health declined. They didn’t seem to cope with more and they liked being in their own little bubble.

That bubble has burst now though as my Dad died in March this year and my mother is now on her own. It is all so much to deal with and you can only go day by day.

I understand the feelings of regret, could we have done more etc. But it is what it is at the end of the day and people like you and I just have to try and forgive ourselves and learn to live with it as best we can.

Be kind to yourself. Go to visit your aunt on your own if you can and use the time to assess where your relationship with DH is at and where it is going.

This all sounds like a headache.

I think you need to vary the holidays as to me, this doesn’t sound like a relaxing holiday more a stressful visit of duty and to visit your nostalgic home town.

Maybe you could go and see your aunt on your own and hire a relaxing cottage closer to home for a family break where you share the driving?

This all sounds like a lot of drama and tension and maybe as a family you need to prioritise relaxing and fixing some of the underlying issues such as his rage or the no contact daughter and why you get to decide on the holidays pretty much every year to your home town. It all sounds very tense and rigid.

To all the people suggesting you go alone... would you be allowed to do that OP? Or are any trips away a family affair? You say you have guilt about seeing your parents did they never come and see you? Did they never come and stay? Where have you spent every Christmas? Were they invited? Were they allowed?

You sound incredibly resigned and conditioned to a very volatile partner and you seem very subdued. He has made you associate home with his anger, does he do that in any other areas of your life? You say he cannot control his temper but I doubt he has such outbursts with his own family or in public.

Is he ever violent?

None of this is your fault.

You've not answered why you don't drive? And if it is the same destination you've gone to year on year minus the 3 abroad??

[quote CatsnCoffee]@UmamiMammy

A 3 hour car trip. He does all the driving and finds it very tiring so goes to bed for a couple of hours when we arrive. On many of these journeys he’s become very agitated and it’s become a nightmare so there’s always a risk of that too.[/quote]

3 hours 😳

he's being ridiculous .. 3 hours is nothing.

Your husband sounds like an arsehole.

I think 3 hours driving to somewhere you don't want to go, while the person who wants to go sit back and relax, is not an ideal holiday, imo.

Your husbands a twat. I do get his point though. My mums from Europe and every holiday we went on was there. After a while it gets boring as it’s the same things to do for a week or in my case we went for the whole summer. . Ask the kids if they want to go as I think they’ll say no. Then hubby can take the kids somewhere else and you see your family. His attitude is bang out of order but I imagine he’s fed up of the same boring place.

[quote CatsnCoffee]@Aprilx

Yes, it should feel like home but it doesn’t. I’m English and not at all nationalistic, but we live in Wales where everyone I’ve met (including my in laws) have contempt for the English so I get snide little comments. My in laws told my parents that although they don’t usually like English people they’d make an exception for them![/quote]
Wow so on top of everything else your PILs are racists?

Great.

Does your husband's horrible temper have anything to do with your daughter's estrangement?

I used to take the underground and then a coach (another 3 hours) several times a year (no children then!) to visit my sister when she used to work in the UK. Sometimes DH would go with me. Didn't your parents visit? Why are you just blaming yourself for everything?