Argument with dh over holiday

[CatsnCoffee]

We met at Uni 34 years ago and moved to dh’s hometown just before marrying 6 years later. When our dc were younger we visited my parents for a week/10 days every Summer. This was lovely in lots of ways, but there was always friction before and during our stay between dh and me.
Given that I only see my hometown on these infrequent visits, I wish my dh would make more effort to be positive about them. We don’t have loads of money, but these are our only annual holidays and he always looks for cheap options and likes to take charge of all the planning etc. He is a temperamental person and can go into a rage/ become very frustrated very easily with me and doesn’t restrain this when on holiday.
16 years ago my Dad died. 7 years ago my Mum died, leaving my Aunt as my remaining family there. I regret not seeing more of my parents when they were alive.
2 years since our last holiday there the children and I have been looking forward to returning there this Summer, but today dh brought up the subject with me and it ended in a very unpleasant exchange over which I feel very defeated. I’ve told him he’s spoilt our previous holidays and I can’t face another conversation with him on the subject. A bad atmosphere hangs over us and I deeply resent his attitude.

I think I would be fed up holidaying for 34 for years in my OH's hometown. I also might assume that, since your parents have now sadly passed away, the opportunity is there to holiday somewhere else.

A three hour car trip isn't too bad IMO - but if he's having difficulty coping why not suggest a tea/pee break after 1-1/2 to 2 hours?
I used to do 4 hours straight driving to collect DS from uni but he would drive on the way back.

Jus t go,in your own or with the DC that want to go. DH has a lot of overseas family too and I would be very annoyed if my only annual holiday was visiting them. Visiting in-laws is a duty not a pleasure (with a few notable exceptions). It is in no way relaxing. We get round it by DH often visiting on his own or just with D.C. if I visit it's normally just for 2/3 days for something special like a wedding or other big occasion. This is a two way thing. I don't expect him to visit my (more local ) family every time I do or come away with me on holidays I hate.

I understand everyone's comments about him being moody/angry and that it's unacceptable but I have a sneaking sympathy for him. I also used to get very moody after yet another interminable afternoon drinking tea I didn't want and listening to his relations drone on and on about things I had very little interest in.

[quote CatsnCoffee]@itsablessing

Yes, I feel a huge guilt about not visiting my parents more. I’m currently going through all their stuff which I’ve waited to do til now. It’s bringing up lots of memories and making me feel very emotional. This doesn’t help, but I’ve long felt unhappy about seeing so little of them. When my mum died it was very sudden and I probably haven’t dealt with that yet.[/quote]
I am really sorry about your parents

But I think, sadly, now they're passed, it might be time to start holidaying elsewhere, at least for a few years. If you want to go back home, can you not go by yourself? There's really no need, in the kindest way, for everyone to come with you every single time.

I live a distance from my parents (not three hours, but far enough that it's a pain) whereas my in-laws live practically round the corner. I never insist on DH visiting with me - he may come along for a birthday meal or if we're in the area anyway, but otherwise I just leave him at home to do his own thing.

I wouldn't want to spend an extended amount of time with my in-laws no matter how well we get along.

I would get annoyed spending my main holiday every year at DPs every year. He usually goes for 2 weeks in the summer (I'll fly over for a week) and around then extend a bank holiday. It works for me. 10 days at the in laws would be way too much for me every year, and imagine he'd feel the same. We both get on fine with our inlaws and have holidayed with them away multiple times, staying in someones house for 10 days can be uncomfortable.

Can you not go there a couple of times a year for long weekends and have an actual holiday, then take a "proper" holiday.

Obviously the rage is not acceptable and a 3hr drive is nothing.

He's a big boy and he needs to learn to use his words. All he needs to say is "I don't want to go to your town" rather than passive-aggressively needing to sleep after a 3 hour car journey.

TBH.... I'd drive 3 hours for an overnight stay.

3 hours away!!! I expected you to be at opposite ends of the country (Cornwall to North of England or Scotland) seeing as you only visited once a year. I would go furthet than that for a weekend.
You're whole set up sounds very strange. Do you drive?

While I think your Dh is an arse for his temper, I have to say I'd be sick of going to the same place on holiday and especially now that your parents are gone. My parents are gone and I wouldn't even contemplate a holiday in my hometown, despite still having an aunt and other relatives there. We always visited for weekends when my parents were alive, but had our holidays elsewhere.

I think it's time to start taking into account where all the family would like to go. Do you think the kids would opt to go to a premier inn near your aunt or a holiday abroad? You can always visit your aunt yourself for a weekend.

3 hours really isn't that far... My parent live 2.5 hours from us and still manage a day trip up here on occasion. My in laws are a 3.5 hour car journey, 2.5 hours on a boat then another hour driving. Generally we try to go there for at least 3 nights twice sometimes 3 times a year. My husband also does all the driving as I can't drive our bigger (not automatic car). 3 hours means you should be able to go for 2 nights and be able to do another proper break elsewhere. I think your husband is being unkind but there are ways around it that may have been better for you both.

3hrs is really not that far I'm with a toilet break on a good run 5.5hrs drive and pre Covid I would go every couple of months, usually leaving on Friday and coming back late Sunday maybe even Monday morning. Mum would also visit me once or twice a year.

Three hours drive is nothing! You could easily go for a shorter time. Don't you drive OP? Is that the problem - you can't easily get there on public transport?

@Gwenhwyfar

"So every holiday you've had has been to your home town to see your family? I really hope the town is a holiday destination!"

To be fair, this is pretty normal for people who move out of their home country/region. She moved to live in DH's area and it should have been part of the deal that she gets to visit her home area regularly.
The problem here really is that they can't afford more than one holiday.

All the people I know manage compromises. Visit of family, if more than they can go separately, and holidays elsewhere. I would not be happy if our only holidays were to the family every year. For decades

Both of you are quite unreasonable. Also 3 hour trip can be done for weekends, it doesn't have to take up holiday leave.

If he can't cope with 3 hours of driving which most people would do for a weekend away then can you learn to drive? His agitation on these drives is not at all normal, maybe best he doesn't drive.

Insuspect that agitation doesn't come from the driving itself but simply from not wanting to go

Like you l live miles from my home town but live where my fiancé is from. Sometimes l visit on my own and sometimes with him (COVID times aside as l haven’t been able to do for a long time). I think flexibility on both sides is needed and going to other holiday destinations

Amused by the lie down info. I often have to drive 5-6+ hours to get back to my hometown but no lie down required

Why don't you drive?

I can't imagine being tired after a 3 hour drive and needling to sleep 2 hours though, that's seems very precious!

I know @EL8888 I do large 7-8 hour journeys and feel fine. 3 just seems so piddly!

[quote CatsnCoffee]@UmamiMammy

A 3 hour car trip. He does all the driving and finds it very tiring so goes to bed for a couple of hours when we arrive. On many of these journeys he’s become very agitated and it’s become a nightmare so there’s always a risk of that too.[/quote]
Frankly your dh sounds unhinged as well as massively controlling. Is he the reason your older dds are NC? He suffers from road rage? and has to have a sleep after a 3 hour drive? you don't do any driving? it's all very bizarre.

If his temper is ruining things you need to extricate yourself.

My dh gets prone to rage when he's driving. I have laid it on the line and once when he was almost foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog I forced him to stop and I got out with my dd to walk(quite a few years back now). He didn't think I would do it but I fucking did. He's better now he knows what I'll fucking do but I have to keep him in check.

He sounds dreadful.
Yes, fair enough maybe he doesn't like the holiday but there are ways to go about telling you that which don't involve flying into a rage. My guess is that having lost your parents (which I'm sorry to hear) means that home has a special meaning to you as it makes you feel close to them. I mean fair enough if he wants to sit down as adults and discuss maybe going there every other year or even downgrading that to a weekend away so you could potentially manage another holiday somewhere else, but he sounds like a massive bully and you don't need to put up with that.

I didn't vote because I can't decide. Your DH is BU to complain every year but equally YABU to expect that to change.
If you can afford it, take a train with your DCs and leave DH at home. He doesn't enjoy the 'holidays' and hasn't managed to 'enjoy' it over all the years so that's unlikely to change. Tell him you're going yourself with the DCs.
There's an undercurrent that you're blaming your DH for your relationship with your parents. I think being back 'home' without your DH might help you to assess that better. You're an adult. If you feel bulldozed by your DH, it's time to work on boundaries. If you are just wishing you'd gone home more then it's time to forgive yourself for that.
And as for the confusion about rooms/hotels/aunt paying - just tell your aunt how many rooms you need (for you and DCs - not DH). There's a timidity in your dealings with your aunt and your DH. It might be time to work on being open, honest and forthright. It makes life easier

Can't you just go yourself?

Maybe I'm a bit thick but I don't understand.

You are from 3h drive away? You've only been able to visit once a year for a week? Why? Is he the only driver and it is absolutely impossible to get to by any other means and he refuses to drive more frequently? You can't afford the petrol? I'm very confused on why this 3h trip has meant not visiting family or being able to have holidays cause that's a weekend trip a lot of people do almost every month to see family...

Isit a holiday destination. As why would he want let's say a holiday in birmingham

I think this is a lot more complex than it first appeared. Are you very close to your aunt or are you now also her only family so it's partly out of obligation that you want to go back? Or do you also have a lot of friends back in your home town that you still see? Or is it a particularly amazing place where you would choose to go on holiday regardless of having family there (thinking the Lakes or Padstowe or somewhere)? I'm just trying to understand the motivation to go back as an only holiday because if my parents pass away, I'm not sure I'd ever go back to where I grew up (at least not regularly). But this seems more odd given that you only went annually when your family were there. You say you regret that, so I'm wondering if your DH effectively prevented you from seeing them more often.

The holiday seems like a total red herring to me. What I'm hearing is that you're absolutely shit sick of your DH and after 34 years and the death of both your parents you're wondering why you're with a grumpy, aggressive arse who for some reason was the cause of you not seeing your parents who lived 3 hours away, a distance which, to most normal people, is quite a short one.

Time to tell him to fuck off I think. 34 years is more than a life sentence.