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AIBU?

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Original poster

Inviting guests to DH birthday and asking them to pay

418 replies

KQuest · 03/05/2021 22:33

My DH is coming up to a special birthday. He has asked me to plan something as a surprise. I have some ideas for activities, but the cost is roughly £35 per person. Is it OK to invite people and tell them they have to pay for themselves or should I pay for everyone?
I want to invite 10 people.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 04/05/2021 10:06

@smallgoon

If it's a special birthday, I'd just pay for it.
Do you mean as op or her guests?
Maggiesfarm · 04/05/2021 10:09

@minniep

The issue here is the OPs husband asking her to organise a surprise for him and not giving a shit about the fact that OP can't afford it. I personally couldn't live with separate finances like that it sounds like a miserable way to live. OP you need to be upfront with your husband regarding not being able to afford what he wants to do. If you can't do that then you have a marriage problem and the party situation is the least of your worries.
He didn't specify what sort of a surprise, just said he would like a surprise. I daresay he would be happy with a small party at home or a pub meal. The op is trying to be inventive.

Talking about 'separate finances', don't you have any personal spending money or savings in your name only, after you've made your contribution to the home? Most people do, at least they do after a while because finances are often straightened for a few years. Even my mum & my mum in law, neither of whom ever went out to work, had their own money. It meant a lot to them, they didn't have to ask their husbands for sundries, they could buy things they fancied including treating their husbands and they had some independence.

Atalantea · 04/05/2021 10:11

@Gullible2021

£35 each is not a great deal for most people, it's not an every day occurrence.

£35 is my weekly food shopping budget. I’m a single teacher and not on the breadline or anything but £35 is a decent chunk to me. Then I’d feel obliged to give a gift of at least £20. Plus drinks (food also if not provided). It might not be an everyday occurrence but if everyone starts doing this kind of thing, it could easily get really unmanageable and unaffordable as it would be likely to happen every month/six weeks based on family and friends birthdays, plus children in the family to buy for etc.

But
  1. not everyone would do this for every birthday, the OP is talking about an 0 (special one)
  2. you don't have to go
NameChange2PostThis · 04/05/2021 10:14

@KQuest

A few years ago, he planned an activity for his birthday and paid for everyone's ticket, but he has more money than me. I'd expect to pay for my own ticket for an activity day in the same way I'd pay for my own dinner. Thank you for your comments
@KQuest so your DH has significantly more money than you. He has asked you to organise a surprise for him but at your expense. And you can’t afford anything fancy. I find it odd when married couples don’t share their money. But hey ho, your choice. You can either cut your cloth and organise something you can afford. Or get money from your DH to pay for the surprise; you don’t have to tell him what you’ve organised.

If I was your friend I’d be pissed off to be expected to pay £35 for an activity of your choosing at a date and time of your choosing, plus - no doubt - gift, drinks, food. Unless you were my best friend I’d not come.

Maybe this is an opportunity to discuss with DH why your finances need to be shared.

chocorabbit · 04/05/2021 10:14

If they have to pay they are not treated as guests, are they? Can't you ask your husband for some money and admit that it's for a surprise if he really has the money? Or say that you have found a new coat or anything but could he chip an X amount? Or would you find this unethical?

1stTimeMama · 04/05/2021 10:16

My BIL and niece arranged a 40th party for my sister and along with the invite was a request for payment. I didn't go. I thought it very rude, and it would've cost us a fortune with 5 of us.
I would feel very uncomfortable asking people to pay to come to my birthday, it's my 40th next year and because I live nearly 300 miles away from friends and family, I'm fully prepared that I'll be celebrating with just my husband, children and parents.

MrsTophamHat · 04/05/2021 10:17

I would never expect to be paid for in this way. I always pay for myself at friends' birthday dinners etc.

Bluntness100 · 04/05/2021 10:21

Op, how comfortable are your friends financially? Would they struggle to afford this? I think that’s the answer.

In my circle of friends we would not dream of letting you pay for all of us. And in fact we would offer to pay for the birthday boy and have done this many times, an activity is very different to a party.but even then a party at someone’s house we would all come laden with booze to contribute.

If you think some of your friends would struggle to contribute then find something else. What strikes me though is if you’re asking then I think these are not close friends and you’re unsure totally on what to do.

lap90 · 04/05/2021 10:31

Inviting guests to a birthday and expecting them to pay does seem like common behaviour in this country... so should be ok.
Whether it's considered tacky or not is another discussion.

GenuineViolet · 04/05/2021 10:40

I don’t know anyone who routinely invites people outside of their immediate family to do any activity for their birthday that isn’t ‘going to a pub’. I think that’s very standard for lots of adults

I agree. And birthday girl/boy (irritating figure of speech) gets the first round in. It's tradition.

lostlife · 04/05/2021 10:42

Nothing like keeping those on a low income in there place.

Thats not the case. You can invite people round and much less than the £70 they would be spending for their 2 activities.

Assuming the special birthday (so an 0) isn't 20 then in the real world people either save for an event or plan what they can comfortably afford. No-one needs to have a £350 activity party. £70 would buy great food and nice wine for 10 people easily at home.

But that isnt flash enough I assume.

lostlife · 04/05/2021 10:43

@GenuineViolet

I don’t know anyone who routinely invites people outside of their immediate family to do any activity for their birthday that isn’t ‘going to a pub’. I think that’s very standard for lots of adults

I agree. And birthday girl/boy (irritating figure of speech) gets the first round in. It's tradition.

Its all about the Instagram though isnt it The aspirational- isnt everyone having a great life stuff.
Bluntness100 · 04/05/2021 10:51

@GenuineViolet

I don’t know anyone who routinely invites people outside of their immediate family to do any activity for their birthday that isn’t ‘going to a pub’. I think that’s very standard for lots of adults

I agree. And birthday girl/boy (irritating figure of speech) gets the first round in. It's tradition.

We do. In fact pre Covid we typically had a long weekend abroad for big birthdays or we would go to a gig that the birthday person wanted etc.

I think it depends on your friendship group and typical social life.

DelBocaVista · 04/05/2021 11:01

Its all about the Instagram though isnt it
The aspirational- isnt everyone having a great life stuff.

Maybe it's about doing nice things with friends? You know, some people like to spend time with friends doing activities together. It isn't an unusual occurrence for lots of people. And some people don't mind spending time and money when it's a friends birthday! I know that's an odd concept for many on MN to comprehend.

MegaClutterSlut · 04/05/2021 11:06

In my group of friends we all pay for ourself when we go for meals/activities etc. I wouldn't expect other people to pay for me

Lweji · 04/05/2021 11:09

He has asked me to plan something as a surprise.
£350 is a lot of money (for me).
but he has more money than me

Well... He can fuck off, then. I'd probably tell him that much too.
Arrange a picnic in the park and take some sandwiches and cheap food, if you want to pay for it.
Just the asking for a "surprise" says he's a bit of a twat to start with. The financial situation makes it even worse.

Don't you have a joint pot with your supposedly Dear Husband?
Why are you married and you have less money than him? Hmm
I hope you don't have children and aren't planning on having them.

Landofthefree · 04/05/2021 11:10

Why does your DH have more money than you? I would tell DH I need £350 to cover the cost of his surprise or it won’t be happening.

UmamiMammy · 04/05/2021 11:13

I don't see any issue with asking them if they are good friends, as long as you are clear about what the costs are.
I know a lot of people say "you invite then you pay" but in some families and friendship groups, it's not the norm.

I think confusion can arise when the two groups of opinions meet and assumptions are made. Clarity from the outset avoids embarrassment and confusion later.

theleafandnotthetree · 04/05/2021 11:13

@thetwinkletoescollective

I did this for my 40 birthday party.

I think if you say it right from the start, then you give people the option to come or not - they are adults - they can make the choice without you feeling guilty (as in some people on here saying its rude).

Anyway I invited 60 people and thought maybe half would take me up on the offer and in fact, everyone did.

I had five people over for my birthday last year - I paid for them but I minised the costs by having pizza and hosting it in my back garden and that cost me about £300 all in.

How on earth did you manage to spend 300 pounds on 6 people! With pizza! Did it have truffle shavings?
Bluntness100 · 04/05/2021 11:19

How on earth did you manage to spend 300 pounds on 6 people! With pizza! Did it have truffle shavings?

I assume she provided other things like drinks and didn’t just invite them to eat pizza and leave,,,😂

Gumbo · 04/05/2021 11:19

Perhaps you could do what my SIL did for her DS's 3rd birthday? She invited 40 (yes - 40) people over for a party in the local park and got everyone to bring a couple of plates of food and a couple of bottles of drink. Oh - and 2 people had to bring cakes. And obviously presents for the child. At the end there was tons of unopened drinks/sweets/crisps etc - which she took home Shock Grin... she never brought any food herself, but ended up with loads. Probably explains why she is stinking rich, too

nanbread · 04/05/2021 11:22

I would ask if they're up for it, eg "DH and I are planning to do x activity, it's £35 a head. Let me know if you fancy joining, here's the link: xxx"

Itisablessing · 04/05/2021 11:25

I think you should pay if you are inviting them op.

Devlesko · 04/05/2021 11:25

Do what you can afford, i'd be insulted for an invite to a party I was expected to fund.
I wouldn't ask a guest to pay neither.

littlepattilou · 04/05/2021 11:27

I wish you had put a YANBU/YABU option up @KQuest

IMO YABVU. I know people have differing views on situations like this, but if you are having a party/celebration for yourself or partner or child, it's SO wrong on SO many levels, to ask people to pay money towards it/pay for themselves.

Some people think it's OK, and normal in 'their' circle, but it's weird and rude in mine. (I haven't read the full thread, but i bet someone has already said 'it's a class thing.') Wink

Up until about a decade ago, it was unheard of to have a party or a 'do' and ask your guests to pay for themselves. In this past few years, I have heard of people asking for £40 per person for Christmas day dinner, people asking for money off potential guests towards their wedding and honeymoon, people having a party for their child and asking the parents of the children invited for money towards the invited child's meal, and people asking to pay for themselves before they can come to the party they are invited to (and there are many more examples!) LOL, what a nation of CFs.

Basically, people want these celebrations, and to look all showy and big, (on facebook and instagram and suchlike,) but want other people to fund it all for them! Really classless and vulgar.