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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inviting guests to DH birthday and asking them to pay

418 replies

KQuest · 03/05/2021 22:33

My DH is coming up to a special birthday. He has asked me to plan something as a surprise. I have some ideas for activities, but the cost is roughly £35 per person. Is it OK to invite people and tell them they have to pay for themselves or should I pay for everyone?
I want to invite 10 people.

OP posts:
CovidSmart · 04/05/2021 09:06

But she would be deeply disappointed if few people are turning up because they don’t want to pay for the activity (+ meal afterwards??) because that would be a real low down for her DH.

sunsetsand · 04/05/2021 09:06

"I can't imagine refusing a friend's invitation because I'd don't fancy the activity either."

Well I wouldn't be abseiling or camping or going to the opera just to please someone else. Everyone doesn't have to do everything all of the time just because someone else wants them to.

DelBocaVista · 04/05/2021 09:08

Why are people calling it a party. At no point did the op say party.

It's a group of friends doing an activity. She just happens to be organising it.

My friend has invited me to the theatre when it opens - because she invited me should I be expecting her to pay? I don't think so.

MiddleParking · 04/05/2021 09:11

Surely we can't expect only to do things we love all the time, sometimes we do things just to make someone we care about happy (and receive the same consideration from them).

Honestly, I go through life very happily without my friends ever spending £35 of my money for me on an activity for their birthday that I’ve no interest in, and vice versa. I don’t know anyone who routinely invites people outside of their immediate family to do any activity for their birthday that isn’t ‘going to a pub’. I think that’s very standard for lots of adults.

Holly60 · 04/05/2021 09:11

[quote Floralchickens]@holly60 you would pay to go and watch people go an activity you don’t like? (Normally there’s a spectator fee).

I think this thread shows how these things depend on personality type (as well as financial issues).

You sound similar to a friend of mine who has to be at every social event, whereas I don’t have ‘fear of missing out’ so I’m quite happy to decline invites.
I get exhausted just looking at my friend IG page but she thrives on being at parties and loves it. Smile[/quote]
Possibly is fear of missing out Grin. I just know I’d rather be somewhere with my friends than sitting on my own at home because the activity chosen wasn’t necessarily my favourite thing to do.

ZenNudist · 04/05/2021 09:11

"Hey X I'm thinking of doing such and such activity for dh birthday. Do you fancy coming along? It's £35 ppn payable in advance. If you want to come can you let me have the money by x date or let me know if it's not your thing and we will arrange to see you soon anyway. Hope you can come."

Possibly give bank details.

Job done. No angst. I don't know anyone who expects to be funded for these things.

Whitchurch · 04/05/2021 09:13

I often feel as if we're in some sort of alternate universe here.
I get an invite to go rock climbing, and pay for it, as a bit of fun on my friend's birthday. I politely refuse and send them a birthday card. "Thanks for the invite x, but I'll give this one a miss. Not keen on heights!"
I get an invite to go on a birthday boat trip and pay - I accept, I love boat trips.
One of my mates is a bit hard up but sends an invite - he will cook a lush meal to celebrate his birthday - would a few friends like to come round and bring bottles? Yes please.
Even birthday parties where food is provided and it's bring a bottle - perfectly fine. "Hosting" doesn't have to equal paying for everything.

Naunet · 04/05/2021 09:13

Oh please. If it was an AIBU ‘DH organised a surprise party for me but is making me pay for it’ we’d all be up in arms grin

Sorry, you think that if a woman came on here to say how she’d instructed her husband to arrange a surprise party for her, and that even though he earns a lot less than she did, he should have to pay for it all, people would be “up in arms” over her husband being reluctant to pay?!! I beg to differ.

Holly60 · 04/05/2021 09:14

@sunsetsand

"I can't imagine refusing a friend's invitation because I'd don't fancy the activity either."

Well I wouldn't be abseiling or camping or going to the opera just to please someone else. Everyone doesn't have to do everything all of the time just because someone else wants them to.

It’s because I want to though- none of those things sound horrendous and I’d always find work- arounds anyway. Don’t enjoy abseiling - I’ll have a coffee while you do it then we’ll have lunch after. Don’t enjoy camping, I’ll turn up on day two with hot bacon rolls and we can go to the beach... I just love to have fun and I’m pretty flexible and relaxed about it all
DelBocaVista · 04/05/2021 09:15

@Whitchurch

I often feel as if we're in some sort of alternate universe here. I get an invite to go rock climbing, and pay for it, as a bit of fun on my friend's birthday. I politely refuse and send them a birthday card. "Thanks for the invite x, but I'll give this one a miss. Not keen on heights!" I get an invite to go on a birthday boat trip and pay - I accept, I love boat trips. One of my mates is a bit hard up but sends an invite - he will cook a lush meal to celebrate his birthday - would a few friends like to come round and bring bottles? Yes please. Even birthday parties where food is provided and it's bring a bottle - perfectly fine. "Hosting" doesn't have to equal paying for everything.
Exactly!!

It's only on MN where I see the expectation that the 'host' pays for everything!!

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 04/05/2021 09:16

@KQuest

A few years ago, he planned an activity for his birthday and paid for everyone's ticket, but he has more money than me. I'd expect to pay for my own ticket for an activity day in the same way I'd pay for my own dinner. Thank you for your comments
Hang on, your husband has more money than you? How does that work?
aibubaby · 04/05/2021 09:17

[quote CovidSmart]@aibubaby, I think the line is where you invite someone for something that is YOURS.
So inviting someone for a coffee is proposing an outing together. There is some give and take there, the other person can give their idea of where to go, you get to compromise etc...

A b’day party is something that is been organised for the benefit of the person organising the event. They hold all the cards, chose what to do and hope people will turn up so there is a good party/ot will make the other person happy etc... Very different imo.
Otherwise, we would all pay the food/reception when invited to a wedding, when having a meal at friends etc...[/quote]
I agree on a party - but I think the OP is talking about an activity (like an example PPs have used, Go Ape)... in that case it would either be 'yes I'd love to', and I'd assume I was paying for myself, or 'no thanks I can't afford it/hate heights' - so there is no forcing of something you don't want to do on you...

MrsKeats · 04/05/2021 09:19

I would not dream of asking people to pay.

LakieLady · 04/05/2021 09:22

@Aquamarine1029

As far as I'm concerned, if you are inviting people to a party you're hosting, you pay. It's in very poor taste not to imo.
Absolutely.

It puts anyone who is struggling financially in an embarrassing position when they have to decline because of the cost.

fakeplantsdontlookreal · 04/05/2021 09:23

OP, this is the norm in our friendship group, somebody will arrange an activity for a birthday and ask who wants to go and we all pay for ourselves. It's fine if it is a group trip somewhere, say a concert, the theatre, rugby match, 10 pin bowling etc.

It wouldn't be fine to host a private party and ask them to pay, but that is not what you are suggesting.

Your true friends will be happy to join you and happy to pay. You just word it properly along the lines of "I would like to take DH to xxxxx for his birthday, do you want to come along, it will be £35 each to do X Y and Z" and then there are no misunderstandings along the way.

minniep · 04/05/2021 09:24

The issue here is the OPs husband asking her to organise a surprise for him and not giving a shit about the fact that OP can't afford it. I personally couldn't live with separate finances like that it sounds like a miserable way to live.
OP you need to be upfront with your husband regarding not being able to afford what he wants to do. If you can't do that then you have a marriage problem and the party situation is the least of your worries.

sunsetsand · 04/05/2021 09:28

"It’s because I want to though- none of those things sound horrendous and I’d always find work- arounds anyway. Don’t enjoy abseiling - I’ll have a coffee while you do it then we’ll have lunch after. Don’t enjoy camping, I’ll turn up on day two with hot bacon rolls and we can go to the beach... I just love to have fun and I’m pretty flexible and relaxed about it all"

You'd change the whole atmosphere of what they'd planned doing this?! Just say no if you don't like something instead of "work arounds" Confused. Nobody wants this!

Imagine abseiling and trying to enjoy the activity knowing that your friend was sat having a coffee patiently waiting. When it starts to drizzle its at the back of your mind, oh no, Holly is waiting at the bottom for us. Then they have to go for lunch with you after? Why? Do that another day. They invited you to abseil, not to lunch.

Getting into the swing of things camping, friend wants to try out his new camping stove, the smell of cooking bacon and sausage around the camp. No showers but it's ok, everyone's messy and in the same boat.....until, wait, here's Holly with bacon sandwiches she bought from the shop all fresh and clean and telling us we need to go to the beach with her Confused.

That's not what they planned!! Work arounds indeed!

Medievalist · 04/05/2021 09:32

You obviously aren't entirely comfortable with asking people to pay, or you wouldn't be consulting MN.

I think therefore that you should organise a low cost event that suits your budget and demonstrates to your DH the financial inequality in your relationship.

HowWeAre · 04/05/2021 09:46

I think it depends what it is and how you word it. If I was invited out for a meal for someone’s bday I’d expect to pay for myself. However I think it should be worded as “we’re doing x for DPs birthday if you’d like to join us? It’ll cost £35pp” to avoid confusion.

ElphabaTWitch · 04/05/2021 09:50

Tricky. I wouldn’t expect people to pay. Why did dh not plan this - if he wanted an event surely he must have factored in there was a cost? I guess you could invite people off they can afford to it would be great to see you there’. But I couldn’t hinestly send an invite and ask people to pay.

ginandvomit · 04/05/2021 09:52

Sit down dinner at a restaurant I think it's reasonable to ask to pay however catering in a stand up venue I would expect it to be covered.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 04/05/2021 09:53

Does he expect this to be a gift from you to him? If you’re married wouldn’t that come out of the joint pot? You mention he earns much more and could afford organising his previous birthday celebrations - it sounds unfair to want you to pay for something you can ill afford?

Kioris · 04/05/2021 09:59

Where I come from (not England), when someone invites you to ANYTHING and doesn't specifically say that you need to pay, then the assumption is that THEY are paying. You can either tell them they are paying or host something that is not going to make you spend above your limit and will still be a good party.

Duoduofun · 04/05/2021 10:02

MN is very strict on requiring the host to cover the costs, but in my various circles of friends we have NEVER done this, in fact it's often the group who covers the cost of the meal/drinks/activity for the birthday boy or girl who has invited them Wink. The only time we wouldn't is if someone was hosting at home, then we'd ask if they want us to bring food/drink contributions.

Unless it's a wedding, I would be embarrassed for a friend to pay for me to have a night out or activity

smallgoon · 04/05/2021 10:05

If it's a special birthday, I'd just pay for it.