Page 10 | Inviting guests to DH birthday and asking them to pay

KQuest · 2021-05-03T21:33:25+00:00

My DH is coming up to a special birthday. He has asked me to plan something as a surprise. I have some ideas for activities, but the cost is roughly £35 per person. Is it OK to invite people and tell them they have to pay for themselves or should I pay for everyone? I want to invite 10 people.

Maggiesfarm · 04/05/2021 11:31

@Devlesko

Do what you can afford, i'd be insulted for an invite to a party I was expected to fund. I wouldn't ask a guest to pay neither.

Neither?

I can assure you that what the op is proposing is not at all unusual within friendship groups. People are not insulted to be presented with this. They can choose to go or not to go.

I've been out with friends and family for a birthday celebration and we have split the bill between us, including that of the person having the birthday. It is normal practice. Maybe you don't go out with friends socially very often.

Maggiesfarm · 04/05/2021 11:34

littlepattilou: Basically, people want these celebrations, and to look all showy and big, (on facebook and instagram and suchlike,) but want other people to fund it all for them! Really classless and vulgar.
......
Please don't put the op's suggestion into that category!

Twenty and more years ago I went out for birthday celebrations where we paid for our ourselves, and the person whose birthday it was. There was nothing vulgar about it, it was enjoyable.

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 04/05/2021 11:42

We've always paid for ourselves for birthday activities, and at meals we cover the birthday person's costs.

I don't see what the big deal is –send a message saying you're thinking of doing this as a surprise for x's birthday, it'd be £35 per person so you're just gauging interest at this stage, no pressure etc etc. And then perhaps have everyone back to yours after the activity for food and booze that you've provided? That could be done much more cheaply than £350. I'd be really happy with that as a guest (and after a year of doing nothing I'd bet lots of people would be happy with it!).

SleepingStandingUp · 04/05/2021 11:42

MN is a strange place.

Would I organise a party and then charge entrance? No.
Would I say to my friends fancy going to X for my birthday and we'd all understand that this is something we'll all enjoy and thus we'll be paying for ourselves. Yes and no one would expect different

Wizzbangfizz · 04/05/2021 11:48

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest as you are offering a choice - if they don't want to pay they won't go! Invitation not a summons etc

theleafandnotthetree · 04/05/2021 11:48

@Bluntness100

How on earth did you manage to spend 300 pounds on 6 people! With pizza! Did it have truffle shavings?

I assume she provided other things like drinks and didn’t just invite them to eat pizza and leave,,,😂

But still, how much booze could that many people drink? Was it vintage Moet?

KarmaStar · 04/05/2021 11:55

If your dh really wants to do this special activity then it should go ahead,it's about him after all.
If I was in your position I would invite fewer people and pay for the lesser number.
If you need ten people for the activity you can ask for the whole amount or say you will pay £xxx and they would need to pay the remainder so they will still not have to pay full amount and you're not worrying about costs.

Bluntness100 · 04/05/2021 11:57

But still, how much booze could that many people drink? Was it vintage Moet?

Its more about what you offer, so Snacks, crisps, olives etc, main, sides, puddings, then a variety of drinks, mixers etc, a few bottles of Prosecco or champagne, red, white, rose wine, some spirits some mixers, beers, etc, it adds up and easily.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/05/2021 11:57

@theleafandnotthetree well pizza, large one £20 so 6 large = £120. Some nibbles and bits before hand, some dips etc £30. Desserts from a fancy place £30. Birthday cake £40. That's £220. £80 on alcohol is 10 bottles easily

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 04/05/2021 12:02

A few years ago we did a high ropes course type thing for someone’s 30th.. the host booked it and everyone got a discount as part of a group, but we all paid for ourselves. It was a great day! (I’m really glad I got the chance to do it before my health deteriorated to a point I couldn’t.) I think for something like that it’s fine, and then you could always buy everyone a drink / coffee or something after?

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 04/05/2021 12:02

I hate these threads
Surely everyone knows what the norm is in their circle?

For me, as rule, celebration dinner in a restaurant means I'll be paying for myself, and maybe even chipping in for the birthday person's meal
Party in a hall means host lays on food, I'll be buying drinks
House party/dinner at home - host caters food and drink.

But I will freely admit to being vulgar/tacky/common and all the other synonyms for working class bandied about on this thread .

Bluntness100 · 04/05/2021 12:06

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@theleafandnotthetree well pizza, large one £20 so 6 large = £120. Some nibbles and bits before hand, some dips etc £30. Desserts from a fancy place £30. Birthday cake £40. That's £220. £80 on alcohol is 10 bottles easily[/quote]
Exactly

Three bottles of champagne. 70 quid
Six bottles of wine, two red two white two rose. 50 quid.
Beer. 15 quid for twenty four for becks,
Soft drinks multiple snd water. 15 quid.

That’s 150 quid right there.

Birthday cake 50 quid.
Crisps, olives, nuts another tenner.
That leaves 90 quid on pizzas, garlic bread, salad etc.

It’s easily done.

CutieBear · 04/05/2021 12:11

YABU. You can’t invite people and expect them to pay £35. That’s not a tiny amount of money. Just invite less people so you can afford to cover the cost.

littlepattilou · 04/05/2021 12:11

If you ask say, 12 to 15 mates/colleagues to come out (to pizza hut for example,) to celebrate your birthday, and you just all pay for your own meals/drinks, that's one thing...

But on this thread, we are talking about people wanting a big party/celebration/fancy do/wedding, inviting dozens of people, and expecting THEM to fund said celebration, so they can have their cool insta-ready party, which is a fucking piss take. (As well as being classless and vulgar!)

Hope that helps...

theleafandnotthetree · 04/05/2021 12:15

@Bluntness100

But still, how much booze could that many people drink? Was it vintage Moet?

Its more about what you offer, so Snacks, crisps, olives etc, main, sides, puddings, then a variety of drinks, mixers etc, a few bottles of Prosecco or champagne, red, white, rose wine, some spirits some mixers, beers, etc, it adds up and easily.

God, I must be tight as fuck

Taikoo · 04/05/2021 12:20

Hell no.
It looks rude, vulgar and grabby.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/05/2021 12:32

Do posters like @taikoo have lots of money or just never do anything overly exciting for their celebrations?

DelBocaVista · 04/05/2021 12:34

But on this thread, we are talking about people wanting a big party/celebration/fancy do/wedding, inviting dozens of people, and expecting THEM to fund said celebration, so they can have their cool insta-ready party, which is a fucking piss take. (As well as being classless and vulgar!)

That's not what this thread is about at all!

It's about booking an activity and asking those that attend to pay for themselves. The OP has not once mentioned the word party.

usedtobealawyer · 04/05/2021 12:35

If you can't afford £350 for your husbands birthday party I suspect your friends can't afford £70 a couple to subsidise it. Either get your husband to pay for it or do something else.

Taikoo · 04/05/2021 12:35

@SleepingStandingUp

Do posters like *@taikoo* have lots of money or just never do anything overly exciting for their celebrations?

If we can't afford it in the first place then we don't ask others to pay. Thanks for your input though.

DelBocaVista · 04/05/2021 12:37

If you can't afford £350 for your husbands birthday party I suspect your friends can't afford £70 a couple to subsidise it. Either get your husband to pay for it or do something else.

I don't even know where to start with the judgement and assumptions being made here.

ChristmasAlone · 04/05/2021 12:46

@littlepattilou

I wish you had put a YANBU/YABU option up *@KQuest*

IMO YABVU. I know people have differing views on situations like this, but if you are having a party/celebration for yourself or partner or child, it's SO wrong on SO many levels, to ask people to pay money towards it/pay for themselves.

Some people think it's OK, and normal in 'their' circle, but it's weird and rude in mine. (I haven't read the full thread, but i bet someone has already said 'it's a class thing.')

Up until about a decade ago, it was unheard of to have a party or a 'do' and ask your guests to pay for themselves. In this past few years, I have heard of people asking for £40 per person for Christmas day dinner, people asking for money off potential guests towards their wedding and honeymoon, people having a party for their child and asking the parents of the children invited for money towards the invited child's meal, and people asking to pay for themselves before they can come to the party they are invited to (and there are many more examples!) LOL, what a nation of CFs.

Basically, people want these celebrations, and to look all showy and big, (on facebook and instagram and suchlike,) but want other people to fund it all for them! Really classless and vulgar.

It's not a party. They are going to an activity, it's completely different.

Holly60 · 04/05/2021 12:48

@sunsetsand

"It’s because I want to though- none of those things sound horrendous and I’d always find work- arounds anyway. Don’t enjoy abseiling - I’ll have a coffee while you do it then we’ll have lunch after. Don’t enjoy camping, I’ll turn up on day two with hot bacon rolls and we can go to the beach... I just love to have fun and I’m pretty flexible and relaxed about it all"

You'd change the whole atmosphere of what they'd planned doing this?! Just say no if you don't like something instead of "work arounds" . Nobody wants this!

Imagine abseiling and trying to enjoy the activity knowing that your friend was sat having a coffee patiently waiting. When it starts to drizzle its at the back of your mind, oh no, Holly is waiting at the bottom for us. Then they have to go for lunch with you after? Why? Do that another day. They invited you to abseil, not to lunch.

Getting into the swing of things camping, friend wants to try out his new camping stove, the smell of cooking bacon and sausage around the camp. No showers but it's ok, everyone's messy and in the same boat.....until, wait, here's Holly with bacon sandwiches she bought from the shop all fresh and clean and telling us we need to go to the beach with her .

That's not what they planned!! Work arounds indeed!

You have quite an odd idea of what friendship is! If I say to my friend I’m happy having a coffee they know I’m happy having a coffee and can look after myself. At no point would they be concerned I wouldn’t know what to do if it started raining 😂

ChristmasAlone · 04/05/2021 12:51

All these people that wouldn't pay, if someone said "oh it's my Bday and I'm going to X club when they were younger if you fancy it" or "I'm going to see X at the X couple days after my Bday if you want to come" when you were younger would you expect them to pay for it?

Asking people to pay to attend a party is one thing offering an invite to an event activity meal is completely different.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/05/2021 12:59

Well thanks for the thanks @Taikoo for contributing to someone else's thread 🤣. It's a valid qn

Ops partner wants to do X for his birthday with his mates. They can afford £70 but not £350 because there's a big difference between the two for many of us. So the choice is to not do that fun thing with their friends or everyone pay their own way.

That's how lots of people on low incomes spend time celebrating with their friends.

My friend just got good news., so of it wasn't for Covid we'd go out for cocktails to celebrate. I wouldn't expect her to put her card behind the bar because we're there just for her