Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inviting guests to DH birthday and asking them to pay

418 replies

KQuest · 03/05/2021 22:33

My DH is coming up to a special birthday. He has asked me to plan something as a surprise. I have some ideas for activities, but the cost is roughly £35 per person. Is it OK to invite people and tell them they have to pay for themselves or should I pay for everyone?
I want to invite 10 people.

OP posts:
readingismycardio · 04/05/2021 08:45

I'm afraid I have always found it rude, too! I wouldn't be happy attending a birthday party, buying a thoughtful gift for the birthday person and then having to pay £35!

minniemomo · 04/05/2021 08:47

As long as you are clear and word it correctly then it's fine. It's been a tough year and people understand

Floralchickens · 04/05/2021 08:47

@Holly60 money is very tight for us so yes I would decline if it wasn’t something we would enjoy.

If we go out for a meal/activity then we take that money from another part of our budget (normally food shop) so it needs to be worth it.

I think it’s quite rude to invite someone to something the recipient enjoys and then charge the guest for.

Holly60 · 04/05/2021 08:49

Ooh just had another thought. If you did a picnic you could ask people to BYO but you could provide prosecco strawberries and cream just to make it a bit special without having to spend TOO much. For 10 people I’d say 8 bottles of Prosecco would be fine and you can get a bottle of Prosecco for about £6 if you look for offers. I kind of wish I was Horgan using this party now Grin

DelBocaVista · 04/05/2021 08:49

@readingismycardio

I'm afraid I have always found it rude, too! I wouldn't be happy attending a birthday party, buying a thoughtful gift for the birthday person and then having to pay £35!
It's not a party at someone's house. It's an activity.

I would never charge someone to attend a party but it's the norm in my social circle to pay your own way at a restaurant or for an activity no matter what the occasion is.

hedgehoglurker · 04/05/2021 08:50

I think the difference is that it's not a surprise party being thrown by OP. It is only the actual activity that is the surprise. He has asked for the party, so as I see it, the OP is not the host, but the event organiser/ party planner.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 04/05/2021 08:50

Genuinely interested - would you really not go to a good friend’s birthday activity because you don’t find the activity interesting??

Yep. Totally depends on the activity. I have a friend who has a serious fear of heights. If I invited people to go to a climbing gym, she wouldn't be able to come. And for £35/each, that's a lot of money for many people to do something they despise or don't find interesting. I'd just send a card and small gift instead.

TokenGinger · 04/05/2021 08:50

In my circle of friends, it would be absolutely normal for everybody to pay for themselves. In my DP's circle of friends/family, it would be expected that the host pays.

I think it's okay to ask, OP, if you think it's okay. I hope he has a lovely time x

Holly60 · 04/05/2021 08:50

That should say ‘organising this party’

MiddleParking · 04/05/2021 08:51

Genuinely interested - would you really not go to a good friend’s birthday activity because you don’t find the activity interesting??

I wouldn’t if I was expected to pay for it myself and didn’t find it interesting. If I was looking for a home for a spare £35 and someone ‘invited’ me to spend it on go karting or paintball I’d be like, no thanks, I’ll invite myself to spend it on Chanel foundation instead.

Holly60 · 04/05/2021 08:51

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Genuinely interested - would you really not go to a good friend’s birthday activity because you don’t find the activity interesting??

Yep. Totally depends on the activity. I have a friend who has a serious fear of heights. If I invited people to go to a climbing gym, she wouldn't be able to come. And for £35/each, that's a lot of money for many people to do something they despise or don't find interesting. I'd just send a card and small gift instead.

If that was me though - I’d still go and just watch. If it was a good friend of course.
DelBocaVista · 04/05/2021 08:52

@Holly60

Ooh just had another thought. If you did a picnic you could ask people to BYO but you could provide prosecco strawberries and cream just to make it a bit special without having to spend TOO much. For 10 people I’d say 8 bottles of Prosecco would be fine and you can get a bottle of Prosecco for about £6 if you look for offers. I kind of wish I was Horgan using this party now Grin
What if that's not what her DH would want to do? I know mine would be pretty disappointed if I organised a picnic with Prosecco, strawberries etc for his birthday!! I'm assuming she knows the type of things he likes to do.
GardenWander · 04/05/2021 08:53

It’s not a party if people are paying for themselves. It’s a shared activity.

Greenmarmalade · 04/05/2021 08:55

@sunsetsand ha! No, not the queen, I’m from a normal working class background and feel you should try to live within your means. If you can’t throw a party that costs £350 then don’t- have one that costs £50 or whatever.

It’s NOT inclusive to ask people to pay £70 per couple to celebrate a friend’s birthday- it excludes everyone who can’t afford it.

aibubaby · 04/05/2021 08:55

@MsFogi

YABU - you can't invite people and ask them to pay!!!
What, so if I was like "Do you want to come to Go Ape for DH's birthday?" I'd be expected to pay for you?

That's the oddest thing I've ever heard.

Greenmarmalade · 04/05/2021 08:55

Agree @GardenWander

MusicMenu · 04/05/2021 08:55

I can't imagine refusing a friend's invitation because I'd don't fancy the activity either. If I genuinely couldn't afford it, that's different,but just because it's not what I'd choose? Surely we can't expect only to do things we love all the time, sometimes we do things just to make someone we care about happy (and receive the same consideration from them). If it was something I really couldn't face (like heights) I don't think my friends would choose that, but if they did, I'd still go along to take pictures and have lunch/drinks.

Monr0e · 04/05/2021 08:55

Why does your DH have more money than you? Are your finances not shared?

Personally, if it was clear up front, I would be happy to pay for and activity.

Holly60 · 04/05/2021 08:59

@DelBocaVista would your DH just be disappointed with the choice of beverage and food though? In which case just substitute what he would like. If you are saying your DH would be disappointed that you organised a nice picnic with his friends and thought about what he would like to eat and drink, went out and bought it and did it all yourself, I’d say that’s a pretty ungrateful attitude right there!

Floralchickens · 04/05/2021 09:00

@holly60 you would pay to go and watch people go an activity you don’t like? (Normally there’s a spectator fee).

I think this thread shows how these things depend on personality type (as well as financial issues).

You sound similar to a friend of mine who has to be at every social event, whereas I don’t have ‘fear of missing out’ so I’m quite happy to decline invites.
I get exhausted just looking at my friend IG page but she thrives on being at parties and loves it. Smile

aibubaby · 04/05/2021 09:00

OP I think it's absolutely fine.

Absolutely baffled at some of the responses here - where is the line drawn? If a friend invites you for coffee, do they pay? Or is it only if the social occasion is for a birthday? What if it's your birthday but someone else says, ooh I'll invite everyone for a meal to celebrate - do they pay, as the inviter, or do you pay, as the birthday person?

V strange. If it were an actual party, at a closed venue, with the expectation that there'd be food, then fine, yes I'd expect to be fed (but would still assume I was buying/taking my own drinks, depending on whether it was at a venue or at a house).

Otherwise - if invited for a meal, to an escape room, to an AirBnB for the weekend, to paintballing - I would 100% expect to pay for myself and so would everyone I know.

CovidSmart · 04/05/2021 09:01

No sorry.
If you are inviting people , then I dint think they should pay.

I would have no issue in being involved in planning a b’day surprise for him and being asked to participate. But you would then have to accept those same people might want to give ideas/opinions on what is been planned iyswim

sunsetsand · 04/05/2021 09:04

"It’s not a party if people are paying for themselves. It’s a shared activity."

Confused which is exactly what the OP described it as. Where have you got "party" from? It's clearly just something like,

"I'm surprising DH by taking him to Go Ape. It would be great if you could join us, the cost is £35 each if you fancy it. Let me know"

"If you can’t throw a party that costs £350 then don’t- have one that costs £50 or whatever."

She's not having a party Hmm. It seems a couple of posters can't read!

CovidSmart · 04/05/2021 09:05

@aibubaby, I think the line is where you invite someone for something that is YOURS.
So inviting someone for a coffee is proposing an outing together. There is some give and take there, the other person can give their idea of where to go, you get to compromise etc...

A b’day party is something that is been organised for the benefit of the person organising the event. They hold all the cards, chose what to do and hope people will turn up so there is a good party/ot will make the other person happy etc... Very different imo.
Otherwise, we would all pay the food/reception when invited to a wedding, when having a meal at friends etc...

DelBocaVista · 04/05/2021 09:05

[quote Holly60]@DelBocaVista would your DH just be disappointed with the choice of beverage and food though? In which case just substitute what he would like. If you are saying your DH would be disappointed that you organised a nice picnic with his friends and thought about what he would like to eat and drink, went out and bought it and did it all yourself, I’d say that’s a pretty ungrateful attitude right there![/quote]
You post was basically what you wanted to do for your birthday!!

At no point has the OP mentioned having a picnic. It's been suggested by other people as a cheap alternative to what, quite frankly, is a pretty reasonable request anyway.

I'm sure if her DH was a big picnic fan then that's what she would have organised in the first place!

I wouldn't organise a picnic for my DH because that would be odd. It's not something we do - he'd be polite about it but he'd probably think I'd gone mad. Plus living in Manchester it would probably rain.