Inviting guests to DH birthday and asking them to pay

[KQuest]

My DH is coming up to a special birthday. He has asked me to plan something as a surprise. I have some ideas for activities, but the cost is roughly £35 per person. Is it OK to invite people and tell them they have to pay for themselves or should I pay for everyone?
I want to invite 10 people.

[daisychain01]

A few years ago, he planned an activity for his birthday and paid for everyone's ticket, but he has more money than me.

This is much more sad to me - that your DH "has more money than you".

[Maggiesfarm]

UCOinanOCG Tue 04-May-21 08:08:02
Only you know your friends. I would happily pay to go and do a birthday event with a friend. I know some on here think it is a massive no to to ask this.

DelBocaVista Tue 04-May-21 08:11:14
I always think the people that say No in threads like these are probably quite well off and have no idea how the poorer half live.

Me too. In our social circle we'd never expect to have things paid for. Most people don't have that kind of disposable income.
It's pretty standard to say I'm doing X for my birthday and it will cost £xx - let me know if you fancy it.
......
Exactly.

It's also not unusual for a husband and wife to have individual savings. They put money into a household kitty pro rata but have their own spends and savings. One may have more than another at some stages but it doesn't matter, if one of them died the other would presumably inherit, or if one wanted something they couldn't afford, the other would pay out.

I like having my own little pot of money, cherish it. Neither of us had anything until we were fiftyish!

The op said her husband has more money than her but she didn't say she was brassic.

The friends don't have to go to the activity but I imagine they will be glad to.

[Fundays12]

I think it's a lot given many people are struggling financially at the moment. Maybe a garden party were you provide food and drink instead? It doesn't need to be expensive.

[Greenmarmalade]

It just shouldn’t be acceptable to ‘invite’ someone and then expect them to pay. It’s really not something I would like to become part of our culture.

Have a cheap party instead if you can’t afford the planned option.

[DelBocaVista]

@Greenmarmalade

It just shouldn’t be acceptable to ‘invite’ someone and then expect them to pay. It’s really not something I would like to become part of our culture.

Have a cheap party instead if you can’t afford the planned option.

It's already very much part of our culture.
Its the norm in many, many social circles.

[daisychain01]

The op said her husband has more money than her but she didn't say she was brassic.

No, but the husband invariably tends to be better off because they've continued to climb up the corporate ladder unimpeded while the wife has had to settle for lower paid work and career breaks due to children, and their career takes the hit.

[Holly60]

How about you create a WhatsApp group and suggest the activity and its cost, and a free alternative such as a picnic in the park. Get a group consensus and also make it clear if you do go for the activity then it’s fine for people to not go. Or activity FOLLOWED by picnic and give people the option of coming to one or the other or both?

[Feelingconfused2020]

Why does your husband have more money than you?

[Pinkdelight3]

Why does he have access to much more money than you?

This x 1000!

[Holly60]

@DotsandCo

I'm still getting over the OP's husband TELLING her to organise a 'surprise party' for him 😱🤦‍♀️ Who does that??

If anyone told me to organise a surprise party for them, they'd be sorely disappointed on the day with the 'surprise' they got!

Surely it’s more of an ‘oh I don’t know what I want to do, just surprise me’ type thing?! Totally acceptable if he organised and paid for a nice surprise for OP in the past. I think you’d hate me - I am constantly dropping not so subtle hints to my DH around my birthday - otherwise he’d be paralysed with indecision

[Iceniii]

@Greenmarmalade

It just shouldn’t be acceptable to ‘invite’ someone and then expect them to pay. It’s really not something I would like to become part of our culture.

Have a cheap party instead if you can’t afford the planned option.

I'd hate to be part of a culture where people unable to afford to fork out a bill for everyone cannot book a fun activity for a celebration because it is seen as rude and tacky to ask people to pay. Especially if these people are meant to be my friends. Much rather be part of a culture that is inclusive and supportive.

[Floralchickens]

I’ve often been invited to things but told I’ll need to pay, to be honest, most the time I don’t go as it’s normally an activity that does not interest me or it might be we can’t afford the meal out (remember if it’s couples your inviting it’s then £70 for them).

So be prepared for some to say no, and not get offended by it.

If I’m invited to a party, I’ll always bring food/drinks as I can budget that in my weekly shop.

[sunsetsand]

"It just shouldn’t be acceptable to ‘invite’ someone and then expect them to pay. It’s really not something I would like to become part of our culture."

Who are you? 😂 The Queen?

[Holly60]

Also - just from a different perspective. I would be more than happy to spend £35 on an activity to celebrate a good friends birthday. I wouldn’t ONLY go to spend time and celebrate with a friend if they paid for me to be there.

[Chemenger]

I think it’s all about how you invite the people you want to come. If you couch it as “we’re going to do X for DH’s birthday, if costs £35, would you like to come?” It’s fine. If you say “I’d like to invite you to come and do X for DH’s birthday “ it sounds like you are going to pay. We were caught it by this years ago, someone invited us to an event we didn’t much fancy but we accepted the invitation to be polite. They then told us it was £30 each (a lot of money to us back then) and we suddenly found that we had double booked ourselves. Quite a few other people did the same, it was very awkward.

[Holly60]

@Floralchickens

I’ve often been invited to things but told I’ll need to pay, to be honest, most the time I don’t go as it’s normally an activity that does not interest me or it might be we can’t afford the meal out (remember if it’s couples your inviting it’s then £70 for them).

So be prepared for some to say no, and not get offended by it.

If I’m invited to a party, I’ll always bring food/drinks as I can budget that in my weekly shop.

Genuinely interested - would you really not go to a good friend’s birthday activity because you don’t find the activity interesting??

[BlackCatShadow]

Surely it’s more of an ‘oh I don’t know what I want to do, just surprise me’ type thing?! Totally acceptable if he organised and paid for a nice surprise for OP in the past. I think you’d hate me - I am constantly dropping not so subtle hints to my DH around my birthday - otherwise he’d be paralysed with indecision grin

It's the money balance thing though. Say you are on a good income, but your DP is on a lower income, it wouldn't be fair if you are dropping hints that you'd like an expensive birthday present if you know he would struggle to afford it.

Whatever the OP organises, even if it's just a BBQ in the garden, for 10 it's still going to cost a few hundred pounds. The OP says it's a special birthday, so it's seems a lot of pressure on her to organise something good.

[Holly60]

@Chemenger

I think it’s all about how you invite the people you want to come. If you couch it as “we’re going to do X for DH’s birthday, if costs £35, would you like to come?” It’s fine. If you say “I’d like to invite you to come and do X for DH’s birthday “ it sounds like you are going to pay. We were caught it by this years ago, someone invited us to an event we didn’t much fancy but we accepted the invitation to be polite. They then told us it was £30 each (a lot of money to us back then) and we suddenly found that we had double booked ourselves. Quite a few other people did the same, it was very awkward.

I think this is an excellent point, and I totally agree with you.

[hedgehoglurker]

I think you should ask your DH to give you a budget for the surprise that he wants you to organise. As you don't share finances, this is his event, therefore his bill.

[Holly60]

@BlackCatShadow

Surely it’s more of an ‘oh I don’t know what I want to do, just surprise me’ type thing?! Totally acceptable if he organised and paid for a nice surprise for OP in the past. I think you’d hate me - I am constantly dropping not so subtle hints to my DH around my birthday - otherwise he’d be paralysed with indecision grin

It's the money balance thing though. Say you are on a good income, but your DP is on a lower income, it wouldn't be fair if you are dropping hints that you'd like an expensive birthday present if you know he would struggle to afford it.

Whatever the OP organises, even if it's just a BBQ in the garden, for 10 it's still going to cost a few hundred pounds. The OP says it's a special birthday, so it's seems a lot of pressure on her to organise something good.

Oh sorry I just thought you were surprised at the idea of someone asking their DP to organise a surprise for them. Yes of course I would expect a surprise that was in line with what my DH (or whoever) could afford

[Sillysandy]

As is clear by the divided responses, it depends on the group.

My friends would split bills in restaurants and pay for the birthday boy or girl.

If he paid for everyone before perhaps it's not the norm in his group?

[Holly60]

@hedgehoglurker

I think you should ask your DH to give you a budget for the surprise that he wants you to organise. As you don't share finances, this is his event, therefore his bill.

Oh please. If it was an AIBU ‘DH organised a surprise party for me but is making me pay for it’ we’d all be up in arms

[Holly60]

OP either ask your friends if they are happy with the suggested activity and cost before you book, Or if you aren’t comfortable doing that organise something that is within your budget, such as a BYO picnic. Either of those options sound fab to me

[MiddleParking]

Also amazing the amount of people on this thread that can't spare or begrudge spending £35 to do something fun with a friend, but expect said friend to have £350 to hand to pay for them. How do you manage when your birthday comes round then, and you've been paid for all year? It's far ruder IMO to accept all these bankrolled invitations and then not reciprocate.

I don’t expect anyone to have £350 to hand to pay for an activity, but I would expect any adult who wants ten people to do a £35 activity for their birthday to have £350 to hand to pay for it. Personally, I manage my own birthdays by not involving anyone outside of my immediate family, like everyone else I know. If it was a ‘big’ birthday I might have a party if I wanted to and could afford to host it, otherwise I’d do something smaller that I could afford.

[BlackCatShadow]

Oh sorry I just thought you were surprised at the idea of someone asking their DP to organise a surprise for them. Yes of course I would expect a surprise that was in line with what my DH (or whoever) could afford

I don't personally think the idea of asking for a surprise is a big deal, even though I'm sure others may, but if 350 pounds is a lot of money for the OP to spend on it, then I think she is going to struggle to organise anything unless she asks everyone to pay for themselves. In the past the DH has paid for everyone though, so I just think it might be a bit awkward.