Inviting guests to DH birthday and asking them to pay

[KQuest]

My DH is coming up to a special birthday. He has asked me to plan something as a surprise. I have some ideas for activities, but the cost is roughly £35 per person. Is it OK to invite people and tell them they have to pay for themselves or should I pay for everyone?
I want to invite 10 people.

It's weird on MN how many people seem to have friends out of obligation rather than genuinely enjoying their company.

No one is interested in your pregnancy unless they got you pregnant. Don't talk about it or announce it. They'll see you out with a child eventually and you can mention it briefly then.

No one is interested in your wedding except your partner. Don't talk about it. Invite people to all of it and don't expect them to pay for anything in exchange for them pretending to care you're getting married.

No one is interested in you or your achievements m. If you must force your friends to pretend they care by celebrating it, make sure they're in no way put out physically or financially. See also birthdays.

No one likes your children. Don't take them out until they're old enough to sit quietly. Don't talk to people about them. Don't even mention you have them.

It's like so many people have "friends" to tick the box of conformity rather than because they love certain people, are genuinely excited for their happiness and genuinely want to celebrate their successes!

Why not increase the sum from £35 to £50 for all your admin, and costs of organising?

And a fine of £20 for late payment.

It would be such a happy, if perhaps small gathering.

@Daphnise

Why not increase the sum from £35 to £50 for all your admin, and costs of organising?

And a fine of £20 for late payment.

It would be such a happy, if perhaps small gathering.

Yes because clearly there's no difference between saying "sky divers are charging £35 per person, are you happy to pay £35" and asking your friends to just give you cash because you want it

They can afford £70 but not £350 because there's a big difference between the two for many of us. So the choice is to not do that fun thing with their friends or everyone pay their own way.

That's how lots of people on low incomes spend time celebrating with their friends.

It's a false economy. You may end up spending £70 five times in the year, thus spending 350 in total, instead of in one go by having 8 guests at your party.
This system makes the less well off friends spend proportionally more of their income on friends' celebrations than the more well off friends. Or it excludes the less well off friends. It can work if they are all on similar levels.
Whereas if we pay for our own dos, then we choose the option that we can afford. From dinner at a 3* restaurant down to a few drinks in the local pub.
I think that if we value our friends and really want to have them at a setting of our choosing, then we should pay for it. In this case, your DH, OP.

Do you know what IS vulgar? Making snotty assumptions based on "class" and wealth about people you don't know on the Internet.

That's vulgar. People with "class" appreciate that there's differences in available cash, acceptable asks within friendships and can bend from their "what will people think?" rigidity.

@Daphnise

Why not increase the sum from £35 to £50 for all your admin, and costs of organising?

And a fine of £20 for late payment.

It would be such a happy, if perhaps small gathering.

Op isn't asking for the money to sent to them it's the cost of the activity

It's a false economy. You may end up spending £70 five times in the year, thus spending 350 in total, instead of in one go by having 8 guests at your party but you're then assuming everyone will do something. If I fancy seeing a certain movie and dinner the people I'd invite are ones who'd want to see it or up for something new. That might be a slightly different group than if we were going to my local and I was putting that £35 behind a bar. When it's someone else in the group's birthday they might not want to celebrate but that doesn't matter - I'm not thinking well I paid for your shandies all night last month because last month we all enjoyed a movie and a nice dinner.

I think it's the idea that people are suffering through the meal and movie (ok, it's happened once that I chose and it wasn't something they'd have picked but it's provided comedy material for over a decade!!) which they in no way want to do for someone they barely care about rather than friends spending time together doing something fun which is hung around the date of someone's special occasion

So he's asked you to organise something, but you don't share finances and he has a lot more money than you? And in the past, he has paid for a similarly costed birthday party/activity?

Hmmm. Sounds like your expectations of what gets covered might be different.

I think you need to talk to him about the party budget before making a decision.

For those that are still not getting it....

THE. OP. IS. NOT. TALKING. ABOUT. A. PARTY.

We largely agree that inviting people to a party at your home or a venue means you cover the basic food and drink costs, and perhaps people bring a bottle or two to contribute.

A event / activity / sit down meal out / trip to the pub is a different entity. I would never, ever expect anyone to pay for me on any of the above nor would I be at all offended to be asked (not summoned as some of you seem to think) to join in. I'd be delighted to, 9 times out of 10.

In my world people have different tastes, different budgets, different abilities, different responsibilities. Sometimes we'll go dutch on a bill, sometimes someone is feeling flush and will treat or pay a bigger share, sometimes someone is struggling so we'll chip in and cover them, rather than them not come. Sometimes we adapt a plan to suit someone with kids, or because someone gets seasick, or whatever. Swings and roundabouts, it all evens out in the end. We always do our best to accommodate everyone because we like each other, care about each other and actually want to spend time together. Some respondents here seem to have very funny ideas about what friendship is.

@Daphnise

Why not increase the sum from £35 to £50 for all your admin, and costs of organising?

And a fine of £20 for late payment.

It would be such a happy, if perhaps small gathering.

In these circumstances this doesn't even make sense!

Again - it's not a party!

No need to shout @ImInStealthMode

People can have different ideas. That’s what the OP asked for.

Personally I am invited to an event, I’m not expecting to pay.
If someone is proposing to do an activity together, then I am.

If I’m organising a b’day event (not a party ) and I want as many of my dh friends to be there, then I’m paying.
Because
1- I want as many people there
2- I want the day to be a good memory. Fur me that means the right people, the right organisation (eg maybe have plans for a drink afterwards etc...) etc....

I think that saying
‘I’m organising a get together fur dh b’day to do That

@KQuest

My DH is coming up to a special birthday. He has asked me to plan something as a surprise. I have some ideas for activities, but the cost is roughly £35 per person. Is it OK to invite people and tell them they have to pay for themselves or should I pay for everyone? I want to invite 10 people.

No. It's not ok, if you want them to do something you need to pay for it.

They don't have to go, you know, they have a choice!

Honestly, what the op is proposing is neither unusual nor impertinent but NORMAL.

I'm sure she knows her friends and what they can afford.

@SleepingStandingUp

It's a false economy. You may end up spending £70 five times in the year, thus spending 350 in total, instead of in one go by having 8 guests at your party but you're then assuming everyone will do something. If I fancy seeing a certain movie and dinner the people I'd invite are ones who'd want to see it or up for something new. That might be a slightly different group than if we were going to my local and I was putting that £35 behind a bar. When it's someone else in the group's birthday they might not want to celebrate but that doesn't matter - I'm not thinking well I paid for your shandies all night last month because last month we all enjoyed a movie and a nice dinner.

I think it's the idea that people are suffering through the meal and movie (ok, it's happened once that I chose and it wasn't something they'd have picked but it's provided comedy material for over a decade!!) which they in no way want to do for someone they barely care about rather than friends spending time together doing something fun which is hung around the date of someone's special occasion

I'm sorry, but I'm lost. Not sure I quite follow your post.

I was talking about celebrating birthdays, not generic activities. Surely people join the birthday friend because they want to celebrate it, regardless of the type of party. Unless it's a very specific thing that might exclude quite a few friends, like sky diving or mountain climbing.

It makes sense to me that if I want X people around me on my birthday that I cover that expense, even if I don't get invited to their birthday. Reality is that it's always some people who organise their own birthday parties and their costs are covered by the guests. And that some of the guests don't organise or get the same in return - pps will find excuses. Some might not get anyone at their dos, despite having covered their own costs at other people's. If you cover your own birthday costs, at least the people who are invited know they are valued.

And not directly related to the post above: strictly party, activity, does it matter? It's a birthday celebration.

So your husband has had previous birthdays where he's paid for presumably the same friends.

You have less money than him.

He wants you to organise the event- is he expecting you to pay as well? What will happen if his friends are offended by your request to pay? Because it really doesn't matter about the thoughts of a random group of mumsnet people- what matters here is how your husband's friends would react. Sounds at the very least cheeky/ thoughtless of your husband, given your lack of access to money, but his response to any perceived slight here would be telling.

Mumsnet ALWAYS says this isn't okay but in reality it totally is. I've literally NEVER been to a birthday event and expected the host to pay for me! Maybe it's a generational thing? But I'm 30 and I and all my friends/family who I socialize with (who actually have a wide age range - 18-maybe 60?) all feel the same as me as it's the same for all of their birthdays too.

"You have quite an odd idea of what friendship is! If I say to my friend I’m happy having a coffee they know I’m happy having a coffee and can look after myself. At no point would they be concerned I wouldn’t know what to do if it started raining 😂"

You're completely missing the point @Holly60. It's natural to be concerned that someone is waiting for you, it's not that you "wouldn't know what to do". Having you sitting around waiting completely changes the dynamic of that activity.

We have a friend who would be the type to say no to camping and then turn up and completely change the dynamic by bringing along bacon butties and visiting for the day. She now has to be given firm boundaries or she'll just plough ahead with it regardless.

She thinks she's quite easy going too but it can be exhausting tbh.

No. This isn't ok in my book. Wait till you can afford it.

@Lweji ultimately if my friend wanted to go out for cocktails on her birthday, I'd rather pay for myself than us sit in with a couple of bottles of wine because her personal budget is £40 not £400. I wouldn't think she was vulgar trashed who should wait until she could afford it which might be never.

You could in that case you'd leave it a month and suggest cocktails just for fun, so everyone would still go and spend their own money but you'd have made a point that you're in no way special and your friends should never ever want to do something fun if it means marking you out as important

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@Lweji ultimately if my friend wanted to go out for cocktails on her birthday, I'd rather pay for myself than us sit in with a couple of bottles of wine because her personal budget is £40 not £400. I wouldn't think she was vulgar trashed who should wait until she could afford it which might be never.

You could in that case you'd leave it a month and suggest cocktails just for fun, so everyone would still go and spend their own money but you'd have made a point that you're in no way special and your friends should never ever want to do something fun if it means marking you out as important[/quote]
I haven't called anyone vulgar or trash, in case you're confused.

But will you invite your friend on a stricter budget to an expensive cocktail bar on your birthday and expect her to pay her own way?
Or will you expect to get expensive drinks on her birthday while she drinks cheap wine?
If you are not happy sitting with a couple of bottles of wine on her birthday, you (and other friends) can always be generous and offer a round of drinks, or at least pay the host a drink.
In any case, a bar is a different situation from a restaurant or an activity if everyone pays for what they drink. In a restaurant or on an activity, everyone is expected to pay the same. And it can become expensive for many people, who will have to turn down invitations, and without which they may be able to afford to pay for their own birthday do.

Mumsnet ALWAYS says this isn't okay but in reality it totally is.

Mumsnet ALWAYS argues about this issue. Fixed it for you.

It's as inevitable as which way the paper roll should face, or loo brushes.

** In our group of friends if we were going ro an event or for a meal out we would alwasy pay for ourselves, I'm 38 and our group of friends has been established for over 2 decades.

Other groups of friends do similar.

It's o ly if we were going to someone's home we would check whether it's host providing, bring a dish or host buys and splits the cost.**

^Exactly the same in my friendship groups too

I agree with all the sensible people here - if I’m invited to a party at a venue or someone’s home, I wouldn’t necessarily be expecting to contribute to costs beyond bringing a bottle/plate/snacks. If I was invited to a meal or activity I’d be expecting to pay my own way.

But then I actually like my friends and am one of those apparent weirdos on MN who actually want to spend time with them. I love weddings, too.

(And for whose people who think this sort of thing is desperately important: I’m solidly (upper-)middle class. Got a Waitrose within walking distance and everything).

Terrible manners IMHO.

Either, you pay for everyone. Or, you don't do the expensive whatever

@Lweji

Mumsnet ALWAYS says this isn't okay but in reality it totally is.

Mumsnet ALWAYS argues about this issue. Fixed it for you.

It's as inevitable as which way the paper roll should face, or loo brushes.

Plenty of people on this thread have said it IS OK.