Anyone else married to a sulker (man child)?

[Lollipop1234]

“D”h in a mood today, not sure what about. Maybe because we were going out for the day as a family and he didn’t want to go to the place we ended up deciding on. (Although he didn’t express a strong preference when we were deciding- said he didn’t mind).

Sulked all the way there in the car, saying he was “fine” although obviously not. Made a bug fuss about lunch arrangements, parking and the weather (it rained and ds8 had forgotten a coat). It was almost as if he wanted to ruin the day for all of us.

Ended up giving the older dcs (13 and 16) a mouthful of abuse for rudeness as they were trying to call out his obnoxious behaviour. I tried too but it just made things worse.

He ended up threatening to drive home and leave us all stranded to make our own way home. This was at 1ish and he’s still sulking upstairs. We finally managed to have an ok afternoon (me and the dc) with dh there but not interacting much, just hanging around in a mood. Then he has disappeared upstairs on getting home (like a stroppy teen) and had not spoken to a soul.

Normally he is fine, but we have had this happen before on days that should have been fun or meals out etc. It’s like he wants to ruin it and cannot hack any backchat or behaviour from the dcs which is anything less than perfect.

Have tried to ask what the reason for this type of behaviour is but to no avail. Have also racked my brain to think what may have caused it. Older dc (teen) was quite rude and cocky this morning but we dealt with that at the time and had moved on but he had to keep bringing that up again and again and can’t seem to let it lie. The rest of us snap out of things quickly.

I will not tolerate him being rude and obnoxious to the dc for no good reason and will point this out there and then. Should I bite my tongue and tolerate it? I feel if I don’t mention it at the time he will act like it never happened. He’s now acting like I am the one in the wrong and he is hard done by when all I said was please don’t speak to me and the dc in that tone and swear at them.

As he gets older his tolerance reduces and these “outbursts” of intolerance increase, usually when we try and have a nice day, although most of the time he is ok.

You don't seem to be planning for anything to change though, OP.

Well, whether scullers can change really depends on why they sulk in the first place. My sulker had a very difficult family background where withdrawing was his only recourse. We have worked on overturning that pattern with good results. There is none of the other stuff about attitudes to children etc either.
I can see that some of the other sellers on here are beyond redemption though.

Sorry, "sellers" should say "sulkers".

OP, I suggest you go online and find a book called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.

You are living with an abuser who is choosing to spoil the happiness of your family. The fact that he is great at work and everyone admires him prices without doubt that his sulks are a deliberate choice intended to drain all the joy from family times.

While you think about your next move,
I suggest you do read the book - it changed my life - and also make clear to your sulker that he has a choice. Call it every time. "You have a choice here - you can choose to join in and be happy on this outing you agreed to and planned with us, or you can try to suck all the happiness out of the day. Which is it to be?"

If he sulks, scoop your lovely girls up and go without him. Let him stew.

Sulks need an audience and if you persistently deprive him, he won't get the reward for the behaviour. At home, agree with the DC not to engage with him if he starts. It will mean them being more adult than him, but that won't be difficult; sulking is childish. No need to be rude to him, but once you've called on him to choose his course, everybody needs to be privately busy and getting cheerfully on with other things. The worst thing - the thing that reinforces his sulking - is the putting life on hold, the tiptoeing, the waiting to see whether he comes round. That feeds his ego, enrages the DC and tears you in two. He clearly enjoys watching you all writhe. Don't give him that.

Those girls are learning about relationships and power from observing all this and it will impact their lives and future relationships. Think of and hard about what you are teaching them.

Oh, and OP? Always make sure YOU have the car keys. 😉