Anyone else married to a sulker (man child)?

[Lollipop1234]

“D”h in a mood today, not sure what about. Maybe because we were going out for the day as a family and he didn’t want to go to the place we ended up deciding on. (Although he didn’t express a strong preference when we were deciding- said he didn’t mind).

Sulked all the way there in the car, saying he was “fine” although obviously not. Made a bug fuss about lunch arrangements, parking and the weather (it rained and ds8 had forgotten a coat). It was almost as if he wanted to ruin the day for all of us.

Ended up giving the older dcs (13 and 16) a mouthful of abuse for rudeness as they were trying to call out his obnoxious behaviour. I tried too but it just made things worse.

He ended up threatening to drive home and leave us all stranded to make our own way home. This was at 1ish and he’s still sulking upstairs. We finally managed to have an ok afternoon (me and the dc) with dh there but not interacting much, just hanging around in a mood. Then he has disappeared upstairs on getting home (like a stroppy teen) and had not spoken to a soul.

Normally he is fine, but we have had this happen before on days that should have been fun or meals out etc. It’s like he wants to ruin it and cannot hack any backchat or behaviour from the dcs which is anything less than perfect.

Have tried to ask what the reason for this type of behaviour is but to no avail. Have also racked my brain to think what may have caused it. Older dc (teen) was quite rude and cocky this morning but we dealt with that at the time and had moved on but he had to keep bringing that up again and again and can’t seem to let it lie. The rest of us snap out of things quickly.

I will not tolerate him being rude and obnoxious to the dc for no good reason and will point this out there and then. Should I bite my tongue and tolerate it? I feel if I don’t mention it at the time he will act like it never happened. He’s now acting like I am the one in the wrong and he is hard done by when all I said was please don’t speak to me and the dc in that tone and swear at them.

As he gets older his tolerance reduces and these “outbursts” of intolerance increase, usually when we try and have a nice day, although most of the time he is ok.

@HeyGirlHeyBoy Interesting to hear about your effective communication training and we could also do with some help! Do you use someone external for this?

You said something that jumped out in the original post....."It was almost as if he wanted to ruin the day for all of us." That's EXACTLY what he wanted. If hes going to act like a child, treat him like one.....dont reward this manipulative nasty attention seeking behaviour. Gayly ignore him. Don't reward him with your attention, apology, scrambling to understand why hes behaving like this and attempts to coax him into a better 'mood'. This is toxic, controlling behaviour at its worst. Simply ignore it and carry on as if you're having the best time of your life and he's being awesome. He can either get over himself and join in, or be miserable on his own. Dont let him dictate whether you and the kids can have fun. The fact that theyve picked it up and have lost patience with it (calling him out on it) speaks volumes.

I’m another one with a sulky ex. He would never happily go along with something he hadn’t chosen/something another family member wanted to do. His dad is the same.

People who poison the air with their moods are the worst. I wonder - is that what his father/mother were like? My partner (after a LOT of talking) has realised that his sulking and moods were inherited habits and he now spots them better and bats them away. It's taken a lot of help but it really feels so much better for everyone now.

Yes dinodraw we have been seeing an Imago therapist. She has taught us explicit communicating skills of really listening etc and it has been very good. The scales have been torn down from dh's eyes and I have been seen and heard! It's been very good. For my part I have seen where it stemmed from in him, she got straight into childhood patterns etc and she has given me tools as I say for what to say in the moment. No one's off the hook! Our therapist is particularly experienced and skilled so I'm hoping it will be the difference and if not we will have learned how to communicate as either way we will be coparents for life..

@HeyGirlHeyBoy thank you for sharing. I'll look them up!

It sounds like he checked out of family life Has he always been like this or is it new behaviour? Could he have met someone else? Sulking that he has to spend time with his family rather than an exciting new person.

Whatever the reason, completely unacceptable behaviour and it would make me think very seriously about what exactly I get out of this relationship.

PM'd you dinodraw

Totally unacceptable, deeply unattractive, immature and selfish. Call this out, loud and clear, and mean it. Don’t sugar coat it. It’s disgusting behaviour and he needs telling how unacceptable it will be for him to ever choose to behave like this again. Hammer home:

Sulking is childish and irritating. Communication is essential to a marriage and refusing to speak is not the behaviour of a mature husband. Passive aggression saying you’re ‘fine’ whilst sulking is unacceptable and exhausting for everyone who had to try to guess what the problem is. Being such a dick that your own children call you out on it is nothing short of embarrassing. Spoiling things for people around you out of petulance is intolerable. Grow up and snap out of this attention seeking behaviour or spend the rest of your life sulking alone.

My mum and dad sounds exactly like you and your DH.

I can’t really remember many fun family days out or holidays or birthdays or events that turned out to actually be fun. Walking on eggshells, having one parent try and ‘manage’ us children to accept (not challenge) and ‘manage’ the others mood. That’s what your children will remember from yesterday.

I have resentment and contempt towards both parents, one for behaving the way they did and the other for not protecting their children by forcing us to tolerate it and not putting an end to it. We are very low contact now.

My DH does this for days on end, it's excruciating.

Nowadays I just ignore the behaviour and try to keep things fun and as normal as possible for my DC.

It's no good saying anything as it will always end up being my fault somehow and if I dare to get upset myself, I'll never hear the end of it. If I cry, I'm "getting more upset" than him apparently which I "ALWAYS" do and it's a massive offence.

@Lollipop1234 I've come back to the thread this morning having thought about your situation again.
I think lots of PPs have hit the nail on the head, this could be a communication problem.
He doesn't feel that his opinions and wants are heard or acknowledged, and doesn't know how to express this, or the frustration it causes.
Doesn't make it right but may be a starting point for working on improving it.
The alternative is that he is doing it deliberately to ruin everyone's day.
Have you been able to ask him what the problem was?

@ILoveAllRainbowsx

Yes, my ex was like that, I gave up trying to turn him in to a normal peson and left him.

Ditto!

Is he the only one who works op? Maybe he’s rather chill out at the weekend and not go dredging kids around outside in the rain? Not excusing him, just wondering? Is he stressed at work? Seems something else has irked him before you even left the house ? Would he rather be gaming than going out? We teach our kids to stick up for themselves , and when they do, parents see it as insubordination and react badly. I would pull him up in shouting and swearing at the kids too. But that will not go down well as you are ‘outing him down’ in front of the kids. Maybe he set out to make the day miserable hoping you would give up and go home so he got his own way? Only you really know what’s going on here. But it’s not wrong to pull him up for his behaviour towards dc. Sometimes , IMO, and in my experience, men sulk because they thing the rest of the family have some sort of vendetta against them. Men say they never know what women want ( as the saying goes) I often find it’s the other way around too!

My husband does not like going on days out. He is a homebody and at weekends he is tired from a busy working week and likes some time to himself and to chill out.
I have forced him to come on days out on many, many occasions and it just ends up spoiled. The kids aren't old enough to notice yet, and it's all very subtle stuff. But I'd spend the time analysing everything he did, was he enjoying himself, why was he so quiet, why couldn't he crack a smile? He just didnt want to be there.
He doesn't come with us now and we have a great time. I even take the children on holidays by myself.

Sometimes he will come out to places with us if it is something that interests him or it was his idea. Gets on my nerves

I don't think there is any excuse for being a dickhead on family days out.

Neither do I
If you don’t want a family life and to go on days out with the kids then don’t have a family

Sounds like he feels alienated from the rest of you as a family - like you and the kids have formed a team against him. And to be fair it sounds like the kids do have a sense that you will back them up on interactions that go wrong.

Also sounds like you have different parenting styles - you consider it acceptable that teenagers can call out a parent on behaviours, whereas he feels that this is undermining and challenging to the parenting dynamic.

I don't know that there there are absolute rights and wrongs here - you can have parenting styles that can go too far in either direction - so permissive that back chat, rudeness, undermining, challenging behaviours towards one or both parents is just a way of life, and authoritarian styles that have cowering children unable to express themselves.

But what is obviously wrong is you're not able to back each other up in a unified approach and that is leading tor resentment all round.

Fuck that. That sounds 100 times worse than my teens atleast they let me know why they are annoyed. How do you cope? Why do people put up with that behaviour.

Sounds like he has no communication skills, his parents allowed him to sulk to get what he wants.

Anything he doesn't want to do, he sulks, so over time he gets his way all the time as everyone gets conditioned by the sulking.

I couldn't put up with it tbh. Terrible role model to his children.

Thanks to all for taking the time to reply and for your interesting and insightful comments. I have read them all and will try to reply to specific points when I get a bit more time later....

Sulking went on all evening and he took himself off to bed without a word to anyone. Still some sulking first thing this morning while I got up, showered and saw to the dog. Eventually I asked if he couldlet me know when he would snap ur of it so that I could plan my day.

He again stated he was “fine” despite the long silences. I asked if there was a reason for yesterday’s outburst and apparently it was due to us all giving him grief about the parking and me not being clear enough about the plan for the day, eating, parking etc. We had discussed it before leaving the house and I thought it was pretty clear but obviously not, or he wasn’t listening.

I would say he has 90% snapped out of it now, with a slight air of being hard done by.

On reflection, I feel he underestimates how his tendency to snap and fly off the handle verbally, even in a public place, affects the dc and me. Being (fairly) calm myself and massively non confrontational, I find it acutely embarrassing. The dc all do too, and this was the crux of the older dcs rudeness that morning, as they almost could predict the outcome of the day and didn’t want to be a part of it. As they are spending most of the weekend revising, I felt that a few hours outside would be nice, but obviously wish I hadn’t now!

It doesnt sound like you're planning to make any changes. Poor kids.

@suggestionsplease1

Sounds like he feels alienated from the rest of you as a family - like you and the kids have formed a team against him. And to be fair it sounds like the kids do have a sense that you will back them up on interactions that go wrong.

Also sounds like you have different parenting styles - you consider it acceptable that teenagers can call out a parent on behaviours, whereas he feels that this is undermining and challenging to the parenting dynamic.

I don't know that there there are absolute rights and wrongs here - you can have parenting styles that can go too far in either direction - so permissive that back chat, rudeness, undermining, challenging behaviours towards one or both parents is just a way of life, and authoritarian styles that have cowering children unable to express themselves.

But what is obviously wrong is you're not able to back each other up in a unified approach and that is leading tor resentment all round.

Yes you could be right, but only by his own actions (I feel).

I back the dcs if I feel they are being treated unfairly, but not if they are in the wrong. One was called an idiot yesterday for agreeing with me in asking dh to stop getting wound up and cross with us in a public place.

I agree that our parenting styles differ and this has caused problems in the past. Dh has become less tolerant as the dcs have got older and struggles to deal with normal teen behaviour. Is better with the younger dc. He is ending up alienating them and says they need bringing down a peg or 2, when I feel they need boosting. They are lovely kids, generally very well behaved, but just normal teens pushing the boundaries at other times. Dh expects things to be done as soon as he asks and doesn’t like it when they disagree with his opinion much. I guess you could say he’s old fashioned in his outlook.

I agree about the unified approach and in calmer times have discussed his approach and why shouting straight away is not the way to get the best out of people. Generally on a day to day basis things are fine, as we are all busy, it comes to a head more on days out which should be fun. I do back him up if the dc are in the wrong, but won’t stand by and back up throwing insults etc.

He is ending up alienating them and says they need bringing down a peg or 2, when I feel they need boosting.

It is not right for a parent to want to bring their own children down a peg or two.