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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Anyone else married to a sulker (man child)?

130 replies

Lollipop1234 · 02/05/2021 23:18

“D”h in a mood today, not sure what about. Maybe because we were going out for the day as a family and he didn’t want to go to the place we ended up deciding on. (Although he didn’t express a strong preference when we were deciding- said he didn’t mind).

Sulked all the way there in the car, saying he was “fine” although obviously not. Made a bug fuss about lunch arrangements, parking and the weather (it rained and ds8 had forgotten a coat). It was almost as if he wanted to ruin the day for all of us.

Ended up giving the older dcs (13 and 16) a mouthful of abuse for rudeness as they were trying to call out his obnoxious behaviour. I tried too but it just made things worse.

He ended up threatening to drive home and leave us all stranded to make our own way home. This was at 1ish and he’s still sulking upstairs. We finally managed to have an ok afternoon (me and the dc) with dh there but not interacting much, just hanging around in a mood. Then he has disappeared upstairs on getting home (like a stroppy teen) and had not spoken to a soul.

Normally he is fine, but we have had this happen before on days that should have been fun or meals out etc. It’s like he wants to ruin it and cannot hack any backchat or behaviour from the dcs which is anything less than perfect.

Have tried to ask what the reason for this type of behaviour is but to no avail. Have also racked my brain to think what may have caused it. Older dc (teen) was quite rude and cocky this morning but we dealt with that at the time and had moved on but he had to keep bringing that up again and again and can’t seem to let it lie. The rest of us snap out of things quickly.

I will not tolerate him being rude and obnoxious to the dc for no good reason and will point this out there and then. Should I bite my tongue and tolerate it? I feel if I don’t mention it at the time he will act like it never happened. He’s now acting like I am the one in the wrong and he is hard done by when all I said was please don’t speak to me and the dc in that tone and swear at them.

As he gets older his tolerance reduces and these “outbursts” of intolerance increase, usually when we try and have a nice day, although most of the time he is ok.

OP posts:
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 03/05/2021 15:55

Thanks Cargo. I see your point.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 03/05/2021 16:03

@timeisnotaline

Christ no you should not just live with it. ‘Your sulking is spoiling things that should be fun for our children and your yelling at our children for trying to point it out is not ok. I can’t make you listen and not blame me every time I try and bring it up, so I’ve decided I won’t have any more family days out with you until you’ve addressed this and talked to me and I am comfortable it won’t happen again. This weekend dc and I are going to do x and y, you are not invited. Obviously the longer this situation stays like this the more I am reconsidering our marriage.’
This^
PanamaPattie · 03/05/2021 16:10

He was looking for a reason to spoil the day because he really didn't want to go. Imagine how your life will be when the DC have left home and it's just the two of you. Your deserve better than this.

billy1966 · 03/05/2021 16:15

When women separate from abusive men especially as the girls are teens, they will very quickly decide if they wish to see him.

His behaviour is appalling.

Privately I have zero doubt your girls think your husband is a prick.

The older they get the stronger that realisation will be.

OP, you are trying to negotiate with a house terrorist.

You don't negotiate with terrorists.

What you should be doing, if you genuinely care about your children is seriously look into how separation would look.

You call Women's Aid and talk to them about what is occurring in your home.

Check out housing and finances
Really look into it.

THEN tell your hisband what you have done.

You tell him he is abusive and an ABUSER.

That you are looking to seperate as the environment is utterly toxic and you will no longer try and persuade him to change.

That he will be able to see the children if they want to but because of HIS behaviour and abuse of them and the whole house, you doubt they will want to maintain contact long term.

Tell him whilst you pity him, you are done trying to help him become a decent parent to his children.

He is a terrorist in the home and his abuse has to end.

OP, how he behaves and reacts to the above will inform you hugely to who he really is.

If he sees it as the biggest wake up call of his life and decides to get himself help, then maybe he has a chance.

But if he reacts with outrage, sulking, accusations and threats, you will know that his ABUSIVE side to him is dominant and he will never change.

Make no mistake OP, as a clearly bright, educated and intelligent woman, you are complicit in this situation by allowing such a man to remain in the home.

Far better to separate and the children have a primary residence that is respecful and nurturing.

They will very quickly distance themselves from him if he behaves badly after separation.

I think far too many woman stand by and try and win round terrorising spouces instead of calling them out and getting rid.

IMO your first obligation is to your children.

sashagabadon · 03/05/2021 16:18

God sounds miserable. I do think families get to a point where all going out together on mass becomes a chore and not enjoyable. Just go out with your kids and leave the moaner at home.

user113424742258631134 · 03/05/2021 16:35

Abuse is not a parenting style.

Stop making excuses for the harm he is choosing to inflict on your children.

user113424742258631134 · 03/05/2021 16:38

Make no mistake OP, as a clearly bright, educated and intelligent woman, you are complicit in this situation by allowing such a man to remain in the home.

I agree with this.

BashfulClam · 03/05/2021 18:08

That was my father. Every day out was spoiled by him throwing a childish Tantrum then sulking. If it didn’t revolve around him or he couldn’t spend a full day in the fucking pub he’d ruin it for us all. We got used to living without him, years later when he was ill and wanted to be included we didn’t have any space in our lives for him. He once threw a cup of coffee at mr as I wanted to go out for new year with my friends. I was 18 and he was in an utterly foul mood, ripping the face of any of us for daring to breathe. I said I was going to go out and he absolutely roared at me that I was nothing but an ungrateful little bitch and needed to learn my place. I decided to walk away and not inflame things, he threw his coffee at me!

billy1966 · 03/05/2021 19:41

@BashfulClam

That was my father. Every day out was spoiled by him throwing a childish Tantrum then sulking. If it didn’t revolve around him or he couldn’t spend a full day in the fucking pub he’d ruin it for us all. We got used to living without him, years later when he was ill and wanted to be included we didn’t have any space in our lives for him. He once threw a cup of coffee at mr as I wanted to go out for new year with my friends. I was 18 and he was in an utterly foul mood, ripping the face of any of us for daring to breathe. I said I was going to go out and he absolutely roared at me that I was nothing but an ungrateful little bitch and needed to learn my place. I decided to walk away and not inflame things, he threw his coffee at me!
The more independent teens become the worse these terrorising types get.

They think their wives are stuck but their children standing up to them completely riles them.

That is why the children just move out and move on, completely detached from them having never formed any worthwhile relationship.

It is astounding how easily this will happen, when a parent is as appallingly badly behaved as the OP's husband.

blueangel19 · 03/05/2021 20:12

Leave him out of plans. Explain that you can’t risk him spoiling a potentially nice day out because of his sulking. Nobody deserve this type of behaviour.

kirlali · 04/05/2021 04:34

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kirlali · 04/05/2021 04:43

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Codswallopcurry · 04/05/2021 05:21

Ok, so I'm still with my sulker, despite being driven nuts by his silences in our early days. I would constantly ask what was wrong, what have I done etc, to get told "nowt", claiming to be fine. Once, mid country walk, he changed from perfectly happy to scowly, silent and jumpy with me and the kids. It went on and on for a good few years of misery - but one day, outside a rather posh store, I suddenly snapped. I shouted in front of other shoppers, told him I was done with it from then on. I literally lost my shit! Guess what, he started to open up. We talked it out. I called him out on it if he started backsliding. It's years later now, kids are grown, we're retired and we are so open, happy and not sulky at all. I mean him, of course. We sometimes laugh about what a nightmare he was. I'm still in love with him and so grateful I finally cracked. The kids love him, so there you go. Not all sulkers become an ex.

cissyandbessy · 04/05/2021 06:20

My dad was like this and we suffered almost all Family days out (usually to places he wanted to go which were fairly dull for kids) walking on eggshells over one thing or another that had set him off. Also in the house he wouldn't speak to people for days and sometimes weeks at a time. We literally tiptoed about in a small flat trying to not have him hear our presence as it seemed to enrage him. It's affected every adult relationship I've had and I have had to pay for tons of therapy to learn some more normal and functional emotional behaviours. I now view my mum as weak and not protecting us from this as she enabled it to a large degree and I feel very alone in life as I've not been able to maintain a relationship with either of them in the way that I'd have liked. If you've an option to remove yourself and your kids from this stifling environment I'd do it, it's not going to get better without some recognition and hard work to try and address it from your husband. You'll know him well enough to judge if he is capable and willing to do that.

TheFormerChild · 04/05/2021 14:32

No one ever sulks without an audience.

lastyearscalendar · 04/05/2021 14:59

OP I had one of these for a husband. It was ridiculous. I had the full works - sulking on days out if something wasn't to his liking, sulk for days but would make you guess what it was that you'd done - wouldn't just come out and say it and so on. He sulked once because a small child was running around and bumped into him by mistake Confused

He'd also sulk if I was out with the DC and friends especially if we were later than we expected getting back. He'd go on and on saying I was stopping him having time with the DC because we were late back but shockingly he never once wanted to join us (even though he was very welcome to) or make an effort to take them anywhere himself Hmm

If I was really lucky before family holidays he's suddenly have a bad back Hmm. He was horrified once that I simply said that me and the DC would go ahead and he'd just have to catch us up Grin

Just a few examples....

Believe me, it doesn't get any better. You'll feel a massive sense of relief if you don't have to walk on eggshells anymore.

bestguesstimate · 04/05/2021 17:02

My dad was a sulker (and giver of the silent treatment) when he didn’t get what he wanted, wanted attention, or was challenged by someone he couldn’t bully. It was also used as emotional blackmail or when he wanted to ruin your enjoyment of something, just because. Sulkers are damaging and toxic. OP, I would just advise you to get out of the marriage and get away from him. You and the kids don’t deserve to be treated this way.
The ‘taking the kids down a peg or two’ was also a tactic employed during my childhood. That’s such a horrific thing to do to your own child, who you’re meant to build them up and instill good self esteem and resilience in them. That’s not the same as making them arrogant. Your husband is the arrogant, superior one who thinks he’s lord and master of all, to be revered at all times. He’ll never see you or your kids as his equals. I imagine that underneath, even if your kids love him, they don’t like him.
It’s taken me years of therapy to put myself together. You and your kids deserve so much better than this misogynistic narcissistic manchild twat. You would breathe a massive sigh of relief to not have to put up with his shit any more. I know my mum certainly did, I’ve never seen her as happy as she is now.
You and your kids are worth so much more Flowers

Foghead · 04/05/2021 22:39

Don’t invite him anymore. Tell him he’s become really predictable, you know exactly how things are going to pan and you don’t want to be around a sulking moody man child.

BashfulClam · 05/05/2021 20:18

@bestguesstimate are you my sibling? Exactly my father and I have serious self esteem issues as does my brother. If he wasn’t sulking or giving out silent treatment he was yelling and being aggressive. He acted like a child 90% of the time.

lazylinguist · 05/05/2021 20:27

You've clearly called him out on this behaviour before and he hasn't stopped. I don't think any amount of 'learning how to parent teens' or talking about his behaviour is going to make the tiniest bit of difference. He uses his moods to manipulate and control, in order to make everyone dance to his tune and do what he wants because they want to avoid him sulking. He's a bully. It's a form of emotional abuse. Do you really think you can change him? Will your dc have to put up with this for years more while you try?

bestguesstimate · 05/05/2021 20:58

[quote BashfulClam]@bestguesstimate are you my sibling? Exactly my father and I have serious self esteem issues as does my brother. If he wasn’t sulking or giving out silent treatment he was yelling and being aggressive. He acted like a child 90% of the time.[/quote]
Only child I’m afraid! I hope you and your brother can overcome all the crap your dad put you through which was always his problem and never anything to do with you Flowers

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 05/05/2021 21:13

What a horrible life you and your DC lead, you must be utterly miserable.

I feel sorry for you, but mostly I feel sorry for your children.

He's clearly a terrible father and partner and you are his victim, but you are also not protecting your DC from him.

Those poor girls and at such a critical time of their development into adulthood ☹

NoProblem123 · 05/05/2021 21:27

UGH this sounds like my dad - he basically didn’t want to spend time with us so would pick fights to justify a big sulk on his own.

He did this before an all expenses paid meal/night out that his company put on once. We all had fish fingers in silence instead Sad

I vowed my children would never have to live with that shit, and they never have.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/05/2021 21:34

God my exh was like this! It’s so wonderful to be able to have days out without worrying about the mood of a man.

allfurcoatnoknickers · 06/05/2021 14:20

My Dad is like this. There was a lot of sulking, and giving people the silent treatment. Often before a holiday, so we'd spend the travel and the first few days under a cloud. Then my mum would scream at him and often make it worse. It was horrible. Please try and do something about it rather than just tolerating the behavior.

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