Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else married to a sulker (man child)?

130 replies

Lollipop1234 · 02/05/2021 23:18

“D”h in a mood today, not sure what about. Maybe because we were going out for the day as a family and he didn’t want to go to the place we ended up deciding on. (Although he didn’t express a strong preference when we were deciding- said he didn’t mind).

Sulked all the way there in the car, saying he was “fine” although obviously not. Made a bug fuss about lunch arrangements, parking and the weather (it rained and ds8 had forgotten a coat). It was almost as if he wanted to ruin the day for all of us.

Ended up giving the older dcs (13 and 16) a mouthful of abuse for rudeness as they were trying to call out his obnoxious behaviour. I tried too but it just made things worse.

He ended up threatening to drive home and leave us all stranded to make our own way home. This was at 1ish and he’s still sulking upstairs. We finally managed to have an ok afternoon (me and the dc) with dh there but not interacting much, just hanging around in a mood. Then he has disappeared upstairs on getting home (like a stroppy teen) and had not spoken to a soul.

Normally he is fine, but we have had this happen before on days that should have been fun or meals out etc. It’s like he wants to ruin it and cannot hack any backchat or behaviour from the dcs which is anything less than perfect.

Have tried to ask what the reason for this type of behaviour is but to no avail. Have also racked my brain to think what may have caused it. Older dc (teen) was quite rude and cocky this morning but we dealt with that at the time and had moved on but he had to keep bringing that up again and again and can’t seem to let it lie. The rest of us snap out of things quickly.

I will not tolerate him being rude and obnoxious to the dc for no good reason and will point this out there and then. Should I bite my tongue and tolerate it? I feel if I don’t mention it at the time he will act like it never happened. He’s now acting like I am the one in the wrong and he is hard done by when all I said was please don’t speak to me and the dc in that tone and swear at them.

As he gets older his tolerance reduces and these “outbursts” of intolerance increase, usually when we try and have a nice day, although most of the time he is ok.

OP posts:
Tibtab · 03/05/2021 07:49

@nancy75

My Dad is a sulker, I couldn’t tell you how many things my mum has had to cancel because of him sulking, lunches with their friends, other people’s birthday parties, even holidays. A couple of years ago he sulked for the 9 weeks up to Xmas, on the day before Xmas Eve we were all tiptoeing round not knowing where Xmas would be & if he would be part of it. My dad has got worse over the years & I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve told my mum to leave him.

Don’t put up with this, it doesn’t get better it gets worse

My mum is divorcing my Dad, they are in their 60s. I wish they’d got divorced when I was a teenager, my Dad used to sulk through everything - Christmas, family events, general weekends. Urgh.
TooManyAnimals94 · 03/05/2021 07:49

Sorry he tries to ruin your day OP and it is bad if even your kids notice the behaviour. I never understand how sulking manifests itself in adults...were they allowed to get away with it as children? I don't have any kids but I work with very young ones that try sulking tactics, I just tell them that I and the rest of the group are doing x or y and they can join if they want but they are ignored if not. They always cave first. So you have to wonder at what point your DH was rewarded for this behaviour because it sounds like he ruined his own day as much as anyone's.

sandgrown · 03/05/2021 07:54

@nancy75 I had an ex like your dad . I ended up just going without him but still made excuses for him so as not to hurt people’s feelings. He would drink a lot the night before an outing and be like a bear with a sore arse all day . I am so glad I no longer have to walk on eggshells.

ivykaty44 · 03/05/2021 08:01

I couldn’t hack that, leave him at home if he’s going to sulk. If he starts sulking at any point then return home and go out by yourselves without him

No pint in him joining you if he’s in a mood

Make sure day trips are close to home

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 03/05/2021 08:16

It may not that they were rewarded, it may have been that they had parents that didn't want to hear so they did better to shut up and now say 'fine' when they're not as they can't communicate. Either way it's not your responsibility op and it is dragging everyone down. I would speak very clearly to him and let him know this is not working and that you won't go on like this. I am going through very effective communication training with my oh at the moment and it has been enlightening. Not out of the woods but hopeful and glad to give it best shot. A lot of similar situations. Status quo not survivable.

SaturdayRocks · 03/05/2021 08:16

Oh my goodness - so many people with exes who did this! Tells you everything you need to know, OP.

He won’t change. So you either accept it, or leave.

millymoo1202 · 03/05/2021 08:21

Yes I had one, in middle divorce, it won’t get any better unfortunately

Chickenkatsu · 03/05/2021 08:23

This all revolves around how important he is and how serious it is that he's upset, if you don't want to leave him right away, one option is to wait till he does it a party and then team up with one of his friends and do an impersonation of him. He'll go completely nuts but he will be too embarrassed to do it again.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 03/05/2021 08:33

Change is possible but he has to buy in completely and want to do it. If you want him to of course, you may be done, understandably. Personally I have given it a time limit and either way my life will have changed by my next birthday. I couldn't stay in that situation so that was ultimatum to myself. So far he can see the problem, the therapist has immediately seen the dynamic and is being very direct with him and we both are being given skills to deal (ie me calling him on it directly every single time).

AFS1 · 03/05/2021 08:39

This could have been written by me. I end up organising days out with the kids when my partner is working because it’s just a more relaxed, fun day without him. He’s a good partner and dad in many ways, but there’s something that seems to happen to him when we go out anywhere and he becomes this oppressive presence.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 03/05/2021 08:39

For my oh he is on edge I think. So tightly wound.

DinosaurDiana · 03/05/2021 08:42

If you’re struggling to put up with him think about the poor kids !
You can divorce him, they’re stuck with him as their father.

QuizzlyBear · 03/05/2021 08:48

My DH can be like this, it's absolutely his worst characteristic. In other ways a great guy, but when he gets a mood on we all tread on eggshells for days so as not to set off a moaning tirade (he doesn't scream or swear). Often on 'special days' for no obvious reason. The kids (teens) hate it and so do I.

Last week was the worst in years and I eventually told him he needs to get counselling and CBT to manage his stressful behaviours as we can't be expected to. He melted down but came around the next day and has self referred. I have everything crossed as I can't carry on like this for another forty years.

Maybe your DH could benefit from asking for help? Especially if it's the last fecking straw...

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 03/05/2021 08:52

I wouldn't be tip toeing around in a million years..

WhoIsH · 03/05/2021 08:54

My dad was like this when I was growing up. When I had therapy later in life I spoke to her about it and how he we sulk for days and not talk to me or my brother if he was angry with us.

I now see, with her help, what shit parenting it is, it can be like a form of abuse. I don't know what the answer is for you OP but you and your kids deserve better Flowers

Whattodo121 · 03/05/2021 08:56

Sulking is such an awful personality trait. I had a housemate at university who did this, you would be walking on eggshells because she was in a foul mood, it was awful! She didn’t speak to me for 6 weeks once because I’d upset her. (By getting a boyfriend, that I’m now married to, very happily 21 years later!)

It’s bullying behaviour. And I’ve never trusted her since. I certainly couldn’t live with it.

romdowa · 03/05/2021 08:56

My mother does this. Always has and still does as an adult. She does it for control I'm newrly sure but if she gets in a mood then she refuses to go anywhere at all, even to this day. The smallest thing will set her off and it can even be something that she has asked you to take her to do. Shes even done it for hospital appointments that are urgent. I used to just say ok then and leave again.

Bomchiccawick · 03/05/2021 09:00

I’d organise another day out without him and if he questions it tell him you’re not having him ruin another lovely day with his pathetic sulks.

Bomchiccawick · 03/05/2021 09:00

Preferably a day out he’d really enjoy...

HighNetGirth · 03/05/2021 09:01

In the short term, ignore it and if possible leave him to get on with it (by going out without him etc).
Longer term, unless he acknowledges the issue and tries to deal with it, you have to consider whether the relationship is worth having.

diamondpony80 · 03/05/2021 09:12

Is he a narcissist? Or just plain selfish?

User57327259 · 03/05/2021 09:13

My ex was similar when we were married. If he did not get his own way he went in a huff. We divorced years ago. He was not in the DCs lives until they became adults and as such he began to creep into my life by arriving with them if they had planned to visit me. Being older and more stuck in his ways he was even more boring and depressing!
Later I met another man and found that a relationship could be fun and happy outings etc. The more I got into the new relationship the more I realised how awful the previous situation had been. I would never tolerate a life with someone destroying every day with his tantrums and whining.
My poor DCs have been putting up with him for years I just stay out the way of it all. Life is too short to put up with huffs from adults

cookiemon666 · 03/05/2021 09:14

My ex husband was the same. Towards the end of the marriage the kids and I just did our own thing, including going on holiday without him. Best holiday we ever had.
We have been divorced for nearly 5 years and he still blames me for everything. Men like that just get worse

EasterEggBelly · 03/05/2021 09:18

If you don’t want to leave him permanently then you need to leave him at home whilst you and the DC go out. Why does he get to ruin family time with his immature attitude?!

Agree with the poster above re therapy to teach him other coping strategies (if you want to give the relationship a chance).

Personally I’d not tolerate it as long term behaviour. Everyone has a off days but for this to be a reoccurring pattern is no way to live.

Streamside · 03/05/2021 09:30

Your children are growing up and it won't be long until they refuse to go on these sort of outings. Will you then go out with him and have to tolerate the sulking alone. Try and speak to him about it but never sacrifice your children for a man child like this.