Anyone else married to a sulker (man child)?

[Lollipop1234]

“D”h in a mood today, not sure what about. Maybe because we were going out for the day as a family and he didn’t want to go to the place we ended up deciding on. (Although he didn’t express a strong preference when we were deciding- said he didn’t mind).

Sulked all the way there in the car, saying he was “fine” although obviously not. Made a bug fuss about lunch arrangements, parking and the weather (it rained and ds8 had forgotten a coat). It was almost as if he wanted to ruin the day for all of us.

Ended up giving the older dcs (13 and 16) a mouthful of abuse for rudeness as they were trying to call out his obnoxious behaviour. I tried too but it just made things worse.

He ended up threatening to drive home and leave us all stranded to make our own way home. This was at 1ish and he’s still sulking upstairs. We finally managed to have an ok afternoon (me and the dc) with dh there but not interacting much, just hanging around in a mood. Then he has disappeared upstairs on getting home (like a stroppy teen) and had not spoken to a soul.

Normally he is fine, but we have had this happen before on days that should have been fun or meals out etc. It’s like he wants to ruin it and cannot hack any backchat or behaviour from the dcs which is anything less than perfect.

Have tried to ask what the reason for this type of behaviour is but to no avail. Have also racked my brain to think what may have caused it. Older dc (teen) was quite rude and cocky this morning but we dealt with that at the time and had moved on but he had to keep bringing that up again and again and can’t seem to let it lie. The rest of us snap out of things quickly.

I will not tolerate him being rude and obnoxious to the dc for no good reason and will point this out there and then. Should I bite my tongue and tolerate it? I feel if I don’t mention it at the time he will act like it never happened. He’s now acting like I am the one in the wrong and he is hard done by when all I said was please don’t speak to me and the dc in that tone and swear at them.

As he gets older his tolerance reduces and these “outbursts” of intolerance increase, usually when we try and have a nice day, although most of the time he is ok.

He sounds awful. A lot of men have surprisingly old fashioned views about their role in a family, and expect to be the centre of attention with their needs catered for above everyone else.
I couldn't date a sulker, constantly on eggshells trying to anticipate and avoid the next trigger. I bet you spend more time than you think appeasing him, to head off the sulking, it'll just be second nature now.

@ElphabaTWitch

Is he the only one who works op? Maybe he’s rather chill out at the weekend and not go dredging kids around outside in the rain? Not excusing him, just wondering? Is he stressed at work? Seems something else has irked him before you even left the house ? Would he rather be gaming than going out? We teach our kids to stick up for themselves , and when they do, parents see it as insubordination and react badly. I would pull him up in shouting and swearing at the kids too. But that will not go down well as you are ‘outing him down’ in front of the kids. Maybe he set out to make the day miserable hoping you would give up and go home so he got his own way? Only you really know what’s going on here. But it’s not wrong to pull him up for his behaviour towards dc. Sometimes , IMO, and in my experience, men sulk because they thing the rest of the family have some sort of vendetta against them. Men say they never know what women want ( as the saying goes) I often find it’s the other way around too!

No, we both work. Him full time and me 3 days. I tend to do most house jobs but he will also help a lot.

Yes he probably is stressed at work, so am I.

I think he feels that we have a vendetta against him, but I feel it’s generally that we all hate it when he gets in a mood especially in public. I think he totally underestimates how embarrassing it is and what a Pratt he looks.

This is not a daily occurrence. It tends to happen mainly on days when we don’t have a plan, but try to do something nice.

I'm technically still married to him but he's now my ex and I'm divorcing him woop!

@LuaDipa

He is ending up alienating them and says they need bringing down a peg or 2, when I feel they need boosting.

It is not right for a parent to want to bring their own children down a peg or two.

It certainly is if you are an abusive piece of shit.

Poor children having to ask their father not to make a show of himself and them in public.

He does this deliberately to embarrass them.

Teens are sensitive to embarrassment.

He's a disgrace.

OP, your children will be planning to get away from the family home as quickly as possible.

You will be rightly harshly judged for allowing him to rule the house with his behaviour and moods.

He sounds like an odious, petulant brat.

Go without him next time. I'm sure you'll say 'but it's family time' - that's how he gets away with his behaviour. Be prepared to leave him at home if he doesn't like your plans. Don't let him ruin them.

@ElphabaTWitch

“Seems something else has irked him before you even left the house ? ”

I think he didn’t like eldest dc being rude in the morning. It was to both of us and was dealt with at the time. I can move on straight afterwards but he will keep on about it and be cross for longer. He feels it was disrespectful. He’s still funny with eldest dc today. The thing is, it is leading to them having zero respect for him, but he doesn’t get this. It’s like he takes it personally and then can’t move on.

He again stated he was “fine” despite the long silences. I asked if there was a reason for yesterday’s outburst and apparently it was due to us all giving him grief about the parking and me not being clear enough about the plan for the day, eating, parking etc.

If he feels you weren't clear why didn't he ask?

I think you need a frank conversation pointing out that his sulking is unpleasant for everyone and is also a pointless strategy that doesn't achieve his objectives. He's not a toddler and needs to learn to 'use his words' if he's unclear about plans for the day, not sulk for a day and expect you to psychically solve problems that he refuses to articulate.

Major communication overhaul needed op..

@BornIn78

My mum and dad sounds exactly like you and your DH.

I can’t really remember many fun family days out or holidays or birthdays or events that turned out to actually be fun. Walking on eggshells, having one parent try and ‘manage’ us children to accept (not challenge) and ‘manage’ the others mood. That’s what your children will remember from yesterday.

I have resentment and contempt towards both parents, one for behaving the way they did and the other for not protecting their children by forcing us to tolerate it and not putting an end to it. We are very low contact now.

I completely understand where you’re coming from.

I have calmly explained this on numerous occasions.

Generally things are better now and more calm on a day to day basis and I feel he has taken on board some of what I’ve said.

This is not a daily occurrence, but it’s still enough to be causing stress at times which should be relaxing. Especially on days out etc. (Which we don’t do all together very often)

I feel he needs a lesson on parenting of teens (especially girls) and how comments said in a throw away manner can have long term affects. I think he mistakes cocky behaviour by them as overconfidence, when really they are not actually that confident at all. It’s a tricky time.

I do see elements of his parenting style in how he was patented as pil are very traditional, with fil “head of the house”. Our teen girls are very modern in outlook and somehow this threatens his opinions.

It sounds like he's very black and white and struggling with any opinions that are different to his own.

Maybe you need to have a chat about whether he wants to raise girls who automatically defer to a manager, or to raise strong confident women who can make their own decisions?

@billy1966

OP,

That will be what your children will remember from their childhood.

It is dreadful behaviour and absolutely abusive.

Unless the whole house revolves around him and what he wants, he will happily ruin any occasion.

Think long and hard about what this is doing to your children.

He will not be someone that they will have a firm attachment to.

The older they get the greater their realisation of what a selfish pig he is and the less they will respect and want to be around them.

They will come to a stage of wondering why you stayed.

Yes I totally agree.

I am trying to get this across to him.

When he has got out of his sulk he will take more on board and try and react in a less stressful manner, but then reverts back to type on other occasions.

I think he occasionally feels threatened by the dc having their own thoughts and opinions that differ from his. For example they will call out any misogynistic, sexist comments etc.

I think he occasionally feels threatened by the dc having their own thoughts and opinions that differ from his. For example they will call out any misogynistic, sexist comments etc.

So he's a sulking misogynist who strops when his own behaviour is pointed out?
Ugh!

Your DH sounds like my late DH. And yes, he was brought up in a very authoritarian old-fashioned way and it did cause all kinds of problems when our DDs got past the cute, compliant little girl stage. He too was rigid in his thinking and had no interest in changing. None. At. All.

Our DDs were always great kids and easy teenagers with very little in the way of poor behaviour, and as they grew older I found myself increasingly unable to do the 'parents as a united front' thing, because my husband was so manifestly unreasonable a lot of the time.

There were other things going on as well, but the upshot was that we ended up divorcing. He died before the divorce was complete, but he did a lot of damage. Meanwhile, DDs are now 18 and 20 and are strong and independent. Also hard-working, polite and caring.

If your husband won't make a serious effort at changing his ways, you need to leave. Your DC deserve a life without him.

@Sporranrummager

Wow *@Lollipop1234* are you married to my ex?! Could sulk for England in the twatolympics. His record was three weeks. He would never tell me what I'd done wrong, I'd have to work it out and apologise. Only I stopped caring, so he'd ruin any outing to punish me. Did you notice he's my ex? Anyway it's not you, it's him. You wouldn't put up with a child behaving like that, why should you put up with an adult doing it? What are your children learning about healthy relationships?

My DH's sulking record is 6 weeks He loves a good sulk. I would prefer having an almighty argument to clear the air rather than sulking.

@WaltzingBetty

“Maybe you need to have a chat about whether he wants to raise girls who automatically defer to a manager, or to raise strong confident women who can make their own decisions?”

Exactly!

I am a confident professional person with a responsible career myself and will not tolerate this in the same way that DH’s mother for example may have done.

I feel it is a crucial time where if left not dealt with could severely affect our long term relationships with our dcs.

I feel he would have been happier living in the 1950’s but this attitude seems to have manifested itself as he has aged or as the dc have started forming their own opinions!

Sorry OP

That should have read
“Maybe you need to have a chat about whether he wants to raise girls who automatically defer to a man, or to raise strong confident women who can make their own decisions?”

Blooming autocorrect!

So he's sexist and a misogynist as well?

I wonder if he sulks at work when he doesn't get his own way, or of it's only around his increasingly independent female children?

@CargoShortsAndSlippers

So he's sexist and a misogynist as well?

I wonder if he sulks at work when he doesn't get his own way, or of it's only around his increasingly independent female children?

He appears to be calm and controlled in work and when interacting with other friends and family.

In charge of managing a diverse workplace and is generally well liked and respected.

I think it’s related to home environment stresses and differences in opinion with dds and me.

He's calmly in control at work because he's the boss. He thinks he's better than everyone else. They do what he says. He expects the same at home. I work with a lot of men like this who I suspect just toe the diversity line to advance their career. I don't think they believe it really. He thinks he's better than you and the kids, and should be the boss at home. That's your problem.

He appears to be calm and controlled in work and when interacting with other friends and family.

Domestically abusive bullies always are.

@BornIn78

He appears to be calm and controlled in work and when interacting with other friends and family.

Domestically abusive bullies always are.

Yes, the pattern continues to hold, unfortunately.

He sounds like an entitled twat. I couldn’t bear to live with someone like that.

Those saying they wished their mother had left their similar father or that these dc shouldn't have to live with this man, aren't they going to be with him as shared custody etc? But without mum's support.. This isn't straightforward in my head.

They won't be living with him full time, though. That's the difference. DC will see there is a different way to live, they will have a break from an oppressive presence, etc.

[quote themalamander]@VeniVidiWeeWee

It's not rude to tell someone who is being obnoxious and horrible to everyone to stop being obnoxious and horrible to everyone. Doesnt matter if they're teenagers or his wife; if he is treating them like shit for no reason other than his own self importance, then they can tell him to stop it. It isnt rude.

OP, some people on mumsnet will twist themselves into a pretzel in order to excuse the unreasonable behaviour of men. Ignore them.[/quote]
This.