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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to give my children a private education?

613 replies

NobodyKnowsTiddlyPom · 02/05/2021 15:47

Really need some input to try and persuade my husband!
My three are all quite bright academically and they are all pretty good with music too. Youngest (9) is very sporty as well.

We’ve recently applied for scholarships and bursaries at a local private school and my husband is still very much on the fence about it all.

The two girls (13, 12) have been offered a total of 70% and 75% discount with scholarships and bursaries and the youngest has been offered a total of 55%

I know that my eldest would do well in state school regardless but I think the younger two would absolutely flourish with the smaller class sizes and the sporting facilities on offer.

My husband thinks we’d be better off putting the £15-£20k per year in our pension pots. I’m not currently working but I’m looking for a full time job from September. I’m a teacher so my salary would cover the fees and my mother in law has also offered to contribute £3-£4K a year towards it. His salary is plenty for us to live on comfortably.

DH would like us to sit down with a list of pros and cons for them to attend this school and I’m hoping that mumsnet can help with a list of pros!

OP posts:
Jangle33 · 02/05/2021 16:40

Both my husband and I had a private education and we have decided against for our kids. I don’t like the elitism and insane school fees...

Original poster
NobodyKnowsTiddlyPom · 02/05/2021 16:41

We would only have to reapply for the bursaries when they change schools - from lower to senior school (Y9) and from senior to sixth form.

My conditions are kept very much in control and I’m not at risk of becoming disabled any more than the average person. I’m fully intending to work until retirement.

I don’t have a massive private pension, which is why we bought the rental house, but my husband’s is fairly decent. He just worries about not having enough.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 02/05/2021 16:42

The other, which the eldest two go to is a good school but we were told they did lots of music and drama, and that’s not been happening, even pre COVID. They don’t even have a school orchestra anymore!

As it is a secondary school, this would only worry me if one of my children were an aspiring musician or actor. What is important is how good is it for the GCSEs your children want to take? For example, if one is aspiring towards computer science and computer science GCSE...then that’s a gap that affects their educational opportunities. But none of them are, it doesn’t matter that the school doesn’t do that GCSE.

Jangle33 · 02/05/2021 16:43

And am utterly flabbergasted the school will give you bursaries - have you declared the rental property? I would be far too worried about giving up such a high % of income (sounds like it’s on your husband’s shoulders) for fees.

Original poster
NobodyKnowsTiddlyPom · 02/05/2021 16:43

@Chicchicchicchiclana

We were extremely surprised when they offered us what they did. The scholarships were 20% and the bursaries were around 35-50% each. I think they were very keen to have them all as they are bright and quite talented in other areas.

OP posts:
Flemingshat · 02/05/2021 16:43

I think on 80-90k that would be an amount that I personally wouldn't want to sacrifice.

Others will have different views.

Blyatiful · 02/05/2021 16:44

Mine were privately educated. I would say that DD2’s school was how you would like state school to be. It wasn’t selective, wasn’t academic (they had quite a lot of SEN kids there) but they got good results and made a point of educating the whole child rather than being an exam hot house. DD1’s school educated the kids of the extraordinarily rich - footballers, actors, a Spice Girl. We were definitely the poorest in the school. That said, she did well, got good results and made some fantastic friends there.

Troublewaters2021 · 02/05/2021 16:44

I have one DC in private school,
Still debating sending middle for secondary and whether youngest will go to private or state school. I would absolutely not do unless I could ensure funding through out would not do it if I earned less than 100k with 3 kids.

Flemingshat · 02/05/2021 16:44

FYI my husband is on 120k and we decided not to send our DS to private school as we felt it was too large a financial sacrifice (among other reasons).

We home educate which also has a financial hit but nowhere near as much.

Original poster
NobodyKnowsTiddlyPom · 02/05/2021 16:46

@PlanDeRaccordement two of them are aspiring musicians and the other wants to be an actress or film director! Grin

@Jangle33 Yes we have declared every penny of our income and assets. It was extremely thorough. We only bought it in January this year though and it’s on an interest only mortgage.

OP posts:
PegPeople · 02/05/2021 16:46

[quote NobodyKnowsTiddlyPom]@Chicchicchicchiclana

We were extremely surprised when they offered us what they did. The scholarships were 20% and the bursaries were around 35-50% each. I think they were very keen to have them all as they are bright and quite talented in other areas.[/quote]
I'd be extremely worried that they would remove the burseries if someone more talented came along. Also what would happen if one child was given a bursery and another had there's removed at some point in the future?

DaphneDuBois · 02/05/2021 16:48

1 in 3 teachers is thinking of quitting. Class sizes are going to grow, and soon. If you can get your children into a private school with smaller classes to start with, don’t think twice. I’ve taught in three private schools and many state schools and I’d undoubtedly opt for private if I was being offered that kind of financial help.

Original poster
NobodyKnowsTiddlyPom · 02/05/2021 16:48

@Flemingshat It would be around £130K with me working full time.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 02/05/2021 16:48

On pension He just worries about not having enough.

It might be worthwhile to see a financial advisor for a financial MOT type assessment. They can look at the pension savings you have, your assets and debts and then run different financial scenarios to help you see if you are saving enough for retirement. So instead of you and DH being in disagreement, have a financial advisor run two scenarios on your finances and pension contributions. One with paying for private education and one without where the funds are put in pensions instead. Then look at the results and decide from there whether it is a good idea or not. Either the financial advisor assessment will show you have the extra money, and nothing to worry about for retirement or it will show that you really cannot afford it. Right now it is gut feelings. Have a professional actually do the number crunching and projections.

Moonpeg · 02/05/2021 16:50

Chicchicchicchiclana
Yes I agree with this. I always thought these bursaries went to poorer families or very gifted children. Correct me if I’m wrong people

Biscuitsneeded · 02/05/2021 16:50

This notion that children are private school are more polite needs unpicking. Superficially - yes. I moved to teach in an independent school from a state school and yes, it was lovely that the children all held doors, said thank you for the lesson etc. However, this is just what they are drilled to do. When the chips are down, they inherit their manners and attitudes from their parents, and while some are genuinely lovely, it is clear that others believe the fact they are paying means they are entitled to expect the world and more. I took a residential trip, which was very stressful because of the behaviour of certain children and their parents. At the end only one parent even said thank you, whereas several took the time to let the school know all the tiny things they weren't happy with (the food - not what they were used to, the room-mates (decided by staff and not kids to avoid clashes or anyone being left unwanted), the bed (at the wrong angle) the sandwiches (vegetarian as requested but not what the child liked). I was shocked, as no child or parent at my previous school had ever complained about trips I had led, and almost all kids would have said thank you as they got off the bus. I'm not saying children are less polite in private schools - I'm saying people are people, and you will get a mix in any kind of school, but don't be hoodwinked by surface polish!

Original poster
NobodyKnowsTiddlyPom · 02/05/2021 16:51

@PlanDeRaccordement That’s a really good idea actually. It will either set his mind at rest that we can afford it, or will prove to me that we can’t.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 02/05/2021 16:51

two of them are aspiring musicians and the other wants to be an actress or film director!

Ah, yes then I agree the state schools fall short. So if you can truly afford private, it’s the best option. If you find you can’t afford it, you can augment their education with separate tutors and drama clubs. The fees for these will be less than the private school fees but still help your children towards their goals.

Flemingshat · 02/05/2021 16:52

It would be around £130K with me working full time

Yes , but you have three kids.

It isn't a sacrifice I would be comfortable making, personally.

ElphabaTWitch · 02/05/2021 16:53

I would take the comment that ‘ the bursaries are unlikely to change much if I get a full time job’ with a massive pinch of salt. Of course they’re saying that. They want your kids and they want your money. They know you will be working and can pay them money so are throwing grants and scholarships at you.
Would like to point out that there are good and ‘bad’ kids in every school. There’s no guarantee that those kids aren’t saying good morning to your face and your fat cow/bitch behind your back. Things aren’t always what they seem.

Blowingagale · 02/05/2021 16:53

Some things to think about:
Will you definitely get and keep a job for length of all three schooling? What if one of the children decides that they don’t want to continue the sport or music or they just aren’t as talented as you think? Would they cope in the state school that is your second choice if the year of the better one is full. Are there other parents that can share driving?

PlanDeRaccordement · 02/05/2021 16:53

[quote NobodyKnowsTiddlyPom]@PlanDeRaccordement That’s a really good idea actually. It will either set his mind at rest that we can afford it, or will prove to me that we can’t.[/quote]
Yeah, I was thinking you have already gone through the work and pain of gathering all that financial data to go through the bursary process, why not take it to a good financial advisor and get advice. Then you both have the same information to work from.

dancealittleclosertome · 02/05/2021 16:54

I always raise an eyebrow slightly when parents say they've chosen a private school over a state school because of its 'excellent pastoral care'. The 'customers' of a private school are the parents i.e., those they wish to keep happy. Therefore, in a situation where a parent is perhaps emotionally damaging their child let's say, the private school is in difficulty because it might be unwilling to report that as a safeguarding issue for fear of losing the income from that customer. A state school has no such dilemma. Equally, let's say a child at private school has been mercilessly bullying your child - but the bully has siblings in school, and more to come - again, state school would have no problems in organising said bully to be placed in another school on a managed move, but again, private school would be unwilling to piss off the bully's parents who are a lucrative income-stream.

There is a conflict of interests.

IHateThinkingUpANewUsername · 02/05/2021 16:55

Are your husbands reasons for being against it purely financial?
I’ve known, pre-children, that my husband is fundamentally against private education so unless there was a very, very good reason it’s not something that we would pursue as a family unit.

MsTSwift · 02/05/2021 16:56

Biscuits both my parents were teachers and I always pick up from a residential trip with a bottle of wine 😁.