To want to give my children a private education?

[NobodyKnowsTiddlyPom]

Really need some input to try and persuade my husband!
My three are all quite bright academically and they are all pretty good with music too. Youngest (9) is very sporty as well.

We’ve recently applied for scholarships and bursaries at a local private school and my husband is still very much on the fence about it all.

The two girls (13, 12) have been offered a total of 70% and 75% discount with scholarships and bursaries and the youngest has been offered a total of 55%

I know that my eldest would do well in state school regardless but I think the younger two would absolutely flourish with the smaller class sizes and the sporting facilities on offer.

My husband thinks we’d be better off putting the £15-£20k per year in our pension pots. I’m not currently working but I’m looking for a full time job from September. I’m a teacher so my salary would cover the fees and my mother in law has also offered to contribute £3-£4K a year towards it. His salary is plenty for us to live on comfortably.

DH would like us to sit down with a list of pros and cons for them to attend this school and I’m hoping that mumsnet can help with a list of pros!

My parents made big sacrifices to ensure that they could give my sister and me they best education available.
I’m prepared to do the same for my girls.
The alternative schools in our area do not offer what I want for them.
We are lucky enough to be able to make a choice so that is what I choose.

@Smartiepants79 I know a ton of my privately educated friends and DH’s eton friends who didn’t reach their potential - some as they dossed at school and some because they were just happy to be average and not push themselves.

I'm really on the fence about private education.

If you're faced with either a bad state school or private then maybe, but if you have the choice of decent secondaries I think you may be wasting your money.

Also, privates vary enormously in quality - I would park near the school gates at the end of the day for a few days to get a feel for the kind of students that are there.

My DS spent a year at a private (junior) school in our city before we found out that one of the city's biggest drug dealers had all their children there

If you are being offered such a good discount and you would be excluding fees for extra curricular activities then I think you have quite a good deal on the table. What I will say though is that a bright child with an enquiring mind will do well anywhere. As for Private V’s state, DH went to a state school (his choice) his 3 siblings went to a private school. DH out earns them by 2 times as much.
Our 4DC attend international schools as we don’t live in the UK. Compared to the state schools here they are light years better. When we lived in the UK they attended a great state primary school with an outstanding ofstead which I couldn’t fault. I would say it’s probably not worth sending DC to a private primary school but possibly would be advantageous for secondary depending on the child.

Sorry of already mentioned but it might also be worth bearing in mind what you're going to need to be saving ready for when they go to university. I hadn't realised quite how much until I was reading about it on money saving expert. I'm looking at £30k it both mine choose to go and I've got 8 years to save!

I think parents can be seduced by all the sparkly facilities like wraparound care, Oxbridge offers etc etc. Remember, it's your kids that actually have to go to the place every day.
I went to an academic powerhouse of a private school- it had every single one of the classic private school bingo board options; amazing sport facilities, a theatre, a stately home in the Highlands that we had exclusive use of. You name it. We even apparently had Nepalese royalty. Kids were routinely selected to perform in West end musicals, it ran a sister school in a sub-saharan country and has been around for hundreds of years. We had lots of traditions and ancient songs to sing. My parents almost cried when I got in, they were so happy.
But. Honestly it was horrendous. There was drug-taking, loads of girls would performatively throw up in the loos, I never had one iota of career advice and I was put in the wrong maths set for a whole year before anyone noticed that I was a good three grades below anyone else. My confidence dived and I became completely obsessed by trying to fit in and not appear like I was terrified the whole time. It has taken me a long time to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life; I feel like I've had arrested teenage development for the last 20 years.

I'm sure you'll do the right thing for your kids and good luck with it, but please look beyond the whizzy prospectus stuff and try as hard as you can to get a proper feel for the place, from a kids perspective- beyond the kids being well-spoken and polite. (And be wary of things being too good to be true).

I'd be really suspicious about the bursury agreement. Why are they so desperate to have you for cheap? How many are on roll?

@Jangle33

Seriously people make it sound like going to a state school is some death knell.

There are some truly excellent state schools (and some awful ones).

The vast majority can never afford. I hate the altitude, must remember Mumsnet is not in any way representative of true society.

Well if you lived near the London State secondary’s that we are in the catchment for then you’d understand! Thank goodness for private schools. We are hugely lucky to have the bursary awards but my children do work really hard to maintain a privileged position.

Some state schools can be very good. In London too. Typically if people move near.

Must admit I’m confused by pp mention of 100% bursaries and finance sector worker - or maybe their salary isn’t that high

The best start? These children are late Primary / at secondary school.

@Whinge And...? This is still their childhood, their start in life, and at this point a private education can make a big difference.

For instance, to their GCSE and A-level results and their chance of getting into a good uni etc. It also probably has an effect on their life outcomes even if they don't go to uni (though through having a private education they stand more chhance of doing so.)

If your children are, as you put it, 'naturally talented academically', I don't think there's actually any need for them to be in private schools, although if you can afford it without cutting back on other things, feel free to spend your money on whatever you choose.

My two sons both went to state schools, the elder a comprehensive, the younger a boys' only school. Both have impeccable manners and are extremely kind, considerate men (now in their 20's). Yes, I take credit for this because it's a parent's responsibility to teach their children these qualities, but their schools also encouraged and reinforced them, as should be expected from every school anyway.

My sons are polar opposites academically with the elder being the more academically adept. Despite this, my younger son still left school with 19 GCSEs, 4 at grade A, 11 B's and 4 C's, then went on to succeed at college and university.

My sister and I also went to a comprehensive school and had cousins who went to a private school. Our cousins played lacrosse whilst we played netball, they learned Latin whilst we did French but overall my sister and I got more 'O' levels and better grades than our cousins.

The moral of my story is that if a child is academically gifted they will thrive and do well regardless of what type of school they attend.

Private schools are an English evil and a cowards way of buying privilege YABU

Sorry if stated elsewhere but is the school stable financially? You say it isn’t highly academic could they be struggling? I know you’re irritated by the questions about the bursary but could this be why they are willing to discount the fees? To get more kids in especially 3!

No, Dh’s salary isn’t very high and I only work part time. We have 4 children to pay out for plus a heavy mortgage, car etc. They balance it all up and that’s what we were offered. One only got 80%. I think if they want the child, they make it work.

DC went to a very good private school. The advantages for them were:
Smaller class sizes
Excellent welfare support
High expectations - crucially not just from parents and teachers but from pupils too. For me, that was the most important and valuable aspect. It was 'cool' to do well. Boys who got As were treated with the same respect as the top sportsmen.
Good classroom control. There was far less disruptive behaviour than anecdotally their peers at local state schools reported.

Toomuchtrouble4me

No, Dh’s salary isn’t very high and I only work part time. We have 4 children to pay out for plus a heavy mortgage, car etc. They balance it all up and that’s what we were offered. One only got 80%. I think if they want the child, they make it work.

Toomuch when you mentioned over 80k is capped at 10% what did you mean?

Not sure if you meant that applies to everyone

YANBU to want to give your children a private education - but do you need to? We turned down a top (50%) scholarship to a very prestigious prep for our eldest - the head told me I had a 'duty' to send our son there - but I felt that if he was bright enough, he would be fine in state. I did struggle with the decision because DH and I were privately educated throughout and boarded, but I didn't want that for my children. We have 4 children, and a reasonable income, but the stress of fees with the constant increases and the 'keeping up with the 4x4s and the Jones's ' just wasn't worth it IMO. All four have done really well in the state sector (albeit grammar schools) - they are polished, rounded, well spoken and we are often complimented on them and their behaviour when out and about - so I don't feel that they have missed out on anything, and our bank balance has certainly been happier....! Only downside is that we have had to ferry them around to far more extra curricular activities than we would have had to if they'd been provided at school, but that also means we have spent a lot more time with them, and I have a much healthier relationship with my children than my parents (or my DH) has with his.

From experience, private schools don’t have great pastoral care. Parents might think they do because they SEEM like ‘nicer’ environments.

Plenty of state schools have excellent pastoral care. I’m ashamed to admit I was amazed to find this out.

None of us can decide for you. I have paid fees for my 5 from age 3 - 18 and now university (as my parents did for us) and am pleased. Others are perfectly content with state schools.

You have huge bursaries offered to you so I would jump at the chance.

Also some teachers get almost free fees - we paid 15% only fr our son from age 3 - 12 as that particular prep school had a good deal with teachers' children and his father taught there. Other private schools offer just about no discount for children of teachers.

We are parents with traveller background mixed with non traveller. We are also successful professionals. Don’t think about whether you fit the perfect vision of a public school parent. Think about what is best for your children. Only you know your children. Nobody on Mumsnet knows them. If your children have talent and you think this particular fee paying school will help them achieve their dreams, then all you can do is your best. Be prepared to be brass faced if you/ your car/ your background don’t fit the posh parent vision. If you have A’ grade potential kids the school will see them as an asset.

The moral of my story is that if a child is academically gifted they will thrive and do well regardless of what type of school they attend.

@Harmonypuss Objectively, the outcomes are even better for academic children at private schools.

@me4real but not necessarily their happiness outcome as the epidemic of mental health issues in selective fee paying schools demonstrates.

@Alonim

From experience, private schools don’t have great pastoral care. Parents might think they do because they SEEM like ‘nicer’ environments.

Plenty of state schools have excellent pastoral care. I’m ashamed to admit I was amazed to find this out.

I didn't find a lack of pastoral care at my children's schools but I have to say they never needed it. The schools did employ professional counsellors, a nurse and there was one teacher for each house who could be approached for help so any pupil in difficulties would be looked after appropriately. All the staff were pretty good though, quite nurturing.

The bursar was extremely helpful if parents became financially embarrassed, I was friendly with one parent who had the fees drastically reduced and was even given some cash.That was all quite confidential, she told me as a friend and I never told anyone.The school had funds for such emergencies which were bound to crop up from time to time.

@Diverseopinions with respect I think this approach is disastrous. Assuming the OP wants her kids to be happy, making the children feel guilty if they don’t get high earning jobs is a really bad idea. I think private school kids whose parents have really struggled already feel that pressure without it being so explicit that the comfortable retirement of their parents depends on it. And 100kplus jobs generally come with a lot of pressure and stress. I wouldn’t want any child to feel that that sort of job was expected or even desirable.

@MarshaBradyo

Toomuch when you mentioned over 80k is capped at 10% what did you mean?

Not sure if you meant that applies to everyone

I meant that in my area if you earn over 80k then you won’t be eligible for bursary support. 70-80k you might get a 5-10% discount and so on on a sliding scale all the way to 100% Bursary.