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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to give my children a private education?

613 replies

NobodyKnowsTiddlyPom · 02/05/2021 15:47

Really need some input to try and persuade my husband!
My three are all quite bright academically and they are all pretty good with music too. Youngest (9) is very sporty as well.

We’ve recently applied for scholarships and bursaries at a local private school and my husband is still very much on the fence about it all.

The two girls (13, 12) have been offered a total of 70% and 75% discount with scholarships and bursaries and the youngest has been offered a total of 55%

I know that my eldest would do well in state school regardless but I think the younger two would absolutely flourish with the smaller class sizes and the sporting facilities on offer.

My husband thinks we’d be better off putting the £15-£20k per year in our pension pots. I’m not currently working but I’m looking for a full time job from September. I’m a teacher so my salary would cover the fees and my mother in law has also offered to contribute £3-£4K a year towards it. His salary is plenty for us to live on comfortably.

DH would like us to sit down with a list of pros and cons for them to attend this school and I’m hoping that mumsnet can help with a list of pros!

OP posts:
Ohnomoreno · 03/05/2021 16:28

Hmm well I'm about to go back to work, which will give us a gross household income of £242000. We have 3 kids and still feel we really need to do the maths to afford that plus holidays, more expensive trips and uniform, etc. So I wouldn't consider it on your income I'm afraid .

hiredandsqueak · 03/05/2021 16:50

I would definitely spend my money on getting diagnoses, independent assessments, EHCPs and support in the school that best meets needs which may or may not be independent. My son went to and now my daughter attends independent specialist schools fully funded through the EHCP.
Small classes aren't everything a child with SEN needs. Dn was woefully let down by his independent school who were seemingly more keen to hold on to his fees than actually put in place any actual support. The school didn't bother to assess his needs, any input from SALT, OT or Ed Psych would have had to have been funded by his parents but school didn't bother to ascertain whether this support or what it should look like was in fact needed.

Heyha · 03/05/2021 17:07

@Toomanymuslins

I am not normally prone to advance searching but I have on this occasion not to troll hunt or stalk but because I thought I recognised the username and I was right.

OP, you’ve only been teaching for a couple of years and I think you are under a misapprehension regarding both the possibility of work and how much you’ll earn.

You won’t be on £40000 as a teacher of about four years.

Is this perhaps why my question about plan B and my knowledge of the current job market is being ignored 🤔 UPS3 teachers get just over £40,000 but that is almost always after 10-12 years service assuming you get all your increments at the first attempt, they aren't automatic like they used to be.
AmazingGrapes · 03/05/2021 17:11

Teachers pay varies a lot by region - in london it’s plausible that a teacher of 4 years would get 40k.

Toomanymuslins · 03/05/2021 17:13

Well, the job market for teachers is bad at the moment and tbh it’s May. If you were wanting a FT job it’s cutting it fine.

Toomanymuslins · 03/05/2021 17:16

Not quite amazing

M4 for inner London is £36,866. So not far off but I don’t think OP is inner London.

Plus OP isn’t looking to work FT I don’t think. And I honestly wouldn’t be assuming you’d get something after a disjointed career - I’m not trying to be the voice of doom here but seriously I’ve never known the teaching job market like it is at the moment.

AmazingGrapes · 03/05/2021 17:16

This is very true @Toomanymuslins

Whinge · 03/05/2021 17:17

@AmazingGrapes

Teachers pay varies a lot by region - in london it’s plausible that a teacher of 4 years would get 40k.
OP isn't in London, they're in the Midlands IIRC. Unfortunately I really don't think 40k after 4 years is realistic.
Toomanymuslins · 03/05/2021 17:19

Right so M4 out of London is just under £32,000. £31,778. That’s full time (obviously) if OP is part time it will be quite a lot less.

Heyha · 03/05/2021 17:25

@Toomanymuslins

Well, the job market for teachers is bad at the moment and tbh it’s May. If you were wanting a FT job it’s cutting it fine.
Although with OP not being employed at the moment there is that little window after 31st May that normally is where the PGCES get a go at the jobs that come up from the end of term resignations so there may be some hope.

But we're all guessing aren't we 😂

ilovechocolate07 · 03/05/2021 17:26

This is something completely up to you as a family. I used to say that I would never send private as I'm a teacher and spent time in private schools where I thought we were expected to produce mini Einsteins because the patents thought their money was in exchange for intelligence. As a teacher I think that children definitely benefit from smaller class sizes but may have better tech in state school. We're lucky that our state schools are good but now that I have ks3 children I would definitely pay if I was unhappy (and could afford it). We had families break up and one parent no longer paying fees which created a huge upheaval in the childrens' lives. How sure are you that you will be able to continue to pay?

Toomanymuslins · 03/05/2021 17:29

True heyha but there are absolutely loads of NQTs just now.

I hate it when people are all negative but seriously I started applying in January. I’ve never known the job market like it (wanted to step down from HOD to class teacher) and had three interviews. All had six/seven/eight candidates which is unheard of. I also had numerous rejections which never happens normally (I know that sounds up myself sorry! I don’t always get the job but I do usually get an interview!)

So I do honestly think the OP is being very premature in assuming she’ll get a job and that it will pay as much as she thinks.

Lucyk1 · 03/05/2021 17:30

Your husbands right.. Put it in your pension pot.
If your kids are that bright, they will flourish in a mainstream school. As a teacher, you should know that successful students arnt reapply the product from great teaching or great school, but with supportive parents. If children's parents don't help them read and learn, your work as a teacher is a million times harder.
Saving all that money for your pension... At least you could afford to give to your children when older in other ways. Put the money aside instead to help them with deposit for a house, etc. My in laws gave us 5 grand when we found out we were having a baby... Was very helpful.

Not all children who go to private school become successful and many children who go to mainstream do. It's down to the parents involvement.

MarshaBradyo · 03/05/2021 17:31

For the bursary did they take into account your salary?

If not I’m not sure if the bursary will remain as it is.

Tambourina · 03/05/2021 17:33

I assumed from the thread title that your children were of pre-school age. The eldest two are quite late to be beginning private education and might not feel they fit in.

And they might not want to leave their friends?

What are the children's feelings?

Lucyk1 · 03/05/2021 17:34

Also... They are girls. Don't waste your money, they will probably end up getting married, having kids and finding that their job isn't suitable. Like me 🤷‍♀️. I went to university and worked hard to be successful... There's no way on earth I could go back to the job I had. If they become a teacher like yourself, they don't need a private education for something like that.

Heyha · 03/05/2021 17:35

No I completely agree @toomanymuslins and that's what I was driving at as well, gone are the days where you could walk into a teacher job except in the shortest of subjects and in the worst of schools. I've only been looking casually just out of interest and there really hasn't been much out there for me, and I'm bang in the middle of two large cities with populous towns all around too.

I hope all works out ok for you on the job front, and for the OP of course.

TrixieMixie · 03/05/2021 17:35

It's a myth that going to state school condemns kids to underachievement. I went to a state school, got As at everything, then two degrees. I now have a very good job and a six figure salary, so no harm done. I'd also say it prepared me well for adult life - not much scares me in the workplace after some of the rough kids at my school! On the other side, my brother and SIL practically ruined themselves to send my nephew to private school and they now think it was not worth it. They are in their late 50s and still have large debts as a result. On top of that, DN was very lonely in the holidays as the other kids locally all went to the state school and had established their groups. The other kids at his private school came from much richer families than DB and DSIL so he never really bonded with them. Even now as a young adult he doesn't have a group of mates and I feel he missed out on friendships at a crucial time. Academically he was pretty average, so all round it was a huge sacrifice with mixed results. I think the very elite public schools, which many of my colleagues attended, are amazing, but lesser private schools are not necessarily great academically, they are just a form of social stratification and may not be best for kids.

Your husband has a point about retirement. It may seem a long way off and you may think it is not relevant, but don't underestimate the impact of failing to save for a pension. Do you want to be a financial burden on your kids in later life? Being old and poor would be miserable.

Caplin · 03/05/2021 17:37

Our kids are in private primary as our primary was just too poorly performing with issues of racism and bullying. However, we are pulling them out for high school for various reasons.

Pros
Great facilities, academically push the kids, encourage confidence and resilience, lots of wrap around care and activities.

Cons
Fees have risen by more than inflation most years. Some of the parents (and kids) are very snobby. Think 8 year olds with latest iPhones, annual ski trips, ponies etc. It is a hot house and average kids are kind of ignored in the upper school. Pretty sexist as well.

It certainly wasn’t easy and I wrestled with it as we could afford it, but I want my kids to know that not everyone lives a gilded life, and understand how lucky they are. I worry they won’t feel good enough as they may be middle of the pack.

And ultimately, I know I wouldn’t get £200k extra value over the course of two at senior school. Tutors are cheaper!

So they are off to our lovely comp, which is very socially mixed, with well off kids and those from areas of high social deprivation. It may be bumpy settling them in, but I think it will be better for them.

Fluffmum · 03/05/2021 17:38

No they are your children , do what you feel is best for them

toconclude · 03/05/2021 17:39

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

If you have bright hard working children, they will do well anywhere.

Wrong. In the wrong school they will be bullied mercilessly until they stop achieving in order to fit in.

LovelyIssues · 03/05/2021 17:39

It you can afford it long term for all 3 children then why not?! I would if I could afford it

SunshineCake · 03/05/2021 17:40

Mine went to private school but it was never our choice and it was a horrible experience.

My children are also very bright, one is officially a genius, and would do well anywhere. They did not do any better at the private school than the state school but the teachers benefitted from the dc being there.

If I was starting again they would go to the state school, I'd not use the one we did but take the hit of a drive to get them to a better one, and use the money for any support they needed, should they need it.

toconclude · 03/05/2021 17:40

@Lucyk1

Also... They are girls. Don't waste your money, they will probably end up getting married, having kids and finding that their job isn't suitable. Like me 🤷‍♀️. I went to university and worked hard to be successful... There's no way on earth I could go back to the job I had. If they become a teacher like yourself, they don't need a private education for something like that.
Excuse me, the 1950s are that way... Hmm
Toomanymuslins · 03/05/2021 17:40

Seriously lucy ffs!