What happened here, is it rape?

[WhatHappened200]

I’ve namechanged for obvious reasons.

I’ve been with partner for 2 years and we have a baby boy. Partner is usually kind and a good dad to son and a good partner etc.

Last night he asked if we could have sex (first time since having ds) and I said yes but it was painful so I told him to stop but he didn’t. I told him to stop again and he did.

Would you call this rape or not as he did eventually stop?

Yes, I would, because it is.

I'm so sorry.

Yes he raped you. He should have stopped when you said no, or when he realised you were in pain. I'm sorry he did this to you.

Yes because he should have stopped the first time you told him to, immediately

How are you feeling?

I wouldn’t personally.
Delayed reaction in the heat of the moment?
Inconsiderate, rude?

No I don't think it is. You gave consent. Ok he didn't stop when you asked first, but did he hear you? When you insisted he stopped. Talk to him about your feelings, but if in your head you think it was rape then your relationship may be over.

Ok he didn't stop when you asked first, but did he hear you? Exactly this. Even if he heard, if he was in the middle of it, I’d guess he didn’t take it in fully...He stopped. That’s all that matters.

Just out of interest... Those of you who say it’s rape... You realise that would make her DP a rapist don’t you? Should the OP report the ‘rape’ to the police and go in to be examined, have him arrested and charged?

I’m not sure if he heard the first time. I’m just shocked about him not stopping if he did hear, as he’s been fine with me saying no to him.

@WhatHappened200

I’m not sure if he heard the first time. I’m just shocked about him not stopping if he did hear, as he’s been fine with me saying no to him.

Talk to him OP.

@SpringtimeSummertime

Just out of interest... Those of you who say it’s rape... You realise that would make her DP a rapist don’t you? Should the OP report the ‘rape’ to the police and go in to be examined, have him arrested and charged?

This! Rape is a crime so be careful using the word if you're not sure. In this case it doesn't sound like rape. He stopped upon asking and it's debatable if he heard you the first time or was just slow to react.

I personally wouldn't, I would wonder if he heard me.
I would ask him if he heard me.

I wouldn’t in that situation, no.

I wouldn't say so, discourteous yes, but not rape. If he's otherwise good and stopped when you were clear then I'd let this one go.

No

I wouldn't call it rape BUT I would be talking to him about how it made you feel as you're obviously questioning it. He may genuinely not have heard you, that's the part you need to find out.

I certainly would not call that rape, no.

This place loves to declare rape at the drop of a hat. Ffs people.

@WhatHappened200

I’m not sure if he heard the first time. I’m just shocked about him not stopping if he did hear, as he’s been fine with me saying no to him.

OK, legally yes it's rape as you revoked your consent during sex, and to ignore that constitutes rape. But, imo, its hardly the same as absolutely non consensual is it. Given that it sounds like this was the first time he'd had sex for a significant time, he was lost in the whole thing etc. How long between you first saying stop and stopping or repeating was it? Milliseconds, seconds but felt longer? Minutes... If in the seconds camp, I disagree it's rape. Minutes I'd have queried why you hadn't reiterated sooner as well if in pain. I have a gynae problem that causes pain during sex, I've never been in a position where I'm in pain and my partner hasn't been fully aware and usually stopped themself before I've said anything...

The law would call it rape if he heard you say you wanted him to stop and he carried on anyway

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/rape-and-sexual-offences-chapter-6-consent

@SpringtimeSummertime
Yeah I know that makes him a rapist. If this happened to me then I would def consider going to the police

It worries me how quickly the word rape is thrown around on here. If he didn't hear you, it's not rape. You need to talk to him.

You said "if he did hear". This is important, did he hear and carry on hurting you? - in which case its a lot more than being a little bit inconsiderate and yes, bordering onto rape territory of the worst kind, because you aren't just changing your mind, you are at risk of injury. You need to talk to him about this urgently. You need to be able to trust him.

It worries me how quickly people on here will shout rape.

Not rape. People need to be much more careful using that term.

Sorry you had such a bad experience OP, I hope you're able to talk to him about it today.

How long was it between the two no's? That could determine whether he heard. And how slow he was to react.

I'm torn because if you feel raped then there's an issue and the situation needs to be investigated to see if legal rape occurred, but if you have to ask if you were raped or whether you should feel raped (as I've seen on here before) then 🤷‍♀️

@Imreaaaaady

It worries me how quickly the word rape is thrown around on here. If he didn't hear you, it's not rape. You need to talk to him.

That's a slippery slope isn't it? Men claiming they didn't hear a woman say no makes it ok?

That comment is awful!