What happened here, is it rape?

[WhatHappened200]

I’ve namechanged for obvious reasons.

I’ve been with partner for 2 years and we have a baby boy. Partner is usually kind and a good dad to son and a good partner etc.

Last night he asked if we could have sex (first time since having ds) and I said yes but it was painful so I told him to stop but he didn’t. I told him to stop again and he did.

Would you call this rape or not as he did eventually stop?

Yes, it does make him a rapist. Whether she wants to go down the legal route is up to her and she should be supported whatever her decision

Not if he didn't hear, and OP accepts he may not have.

Basically OP needs a conversation with him about what he did or didn't hear and what he thought she was saying. Absolutely no-one on here can possibly pronounce on whether this was rape because that question is fundamental to the whole issue.

I think Dr's interpretation is perfect actually, so, you're wrong.

The OP herself isn’t sure and she was there.

Basically OP needs a conversation with him about what he did or didn't hear and what he thought she was saying. Absolutely no-one on here can possibly pronounce on whether this was rape because that question is fundamental to the whole issue.

This sums it up!

Digressing from the thread here (apologies), but I always recommend to women having sex for the first time post natally to position themselves on top and take charge so that they are fully in control of the depth, and degree of force. It means you can stop immediately if it is painful, and don’t have to rely on your partner a) hearing you and b) being a civilised human being.

Having sex with someone without consent is rape. You withdrew your consent when you told him to stop. I don’t understand why some PPs are minimising this. You need to talk to him OP and ask if he heard you say stop. I’m sorry this happened to you.

Would I trash my relationship over the father of my new baby over this.. No!
Have a conversation about it if you really need to OP but personally I would just move on and try to forget about it.

Why are you so keen for it to be classed as rape if you're not even sure if he heard you say no? If DH were hurting me I'd make sure he heard me and I'd push him off too. Are you afraid of him?

Personally, I'm surprised so many are so quick to label him a rapist and suggest going down the legal route. Calling something like this rape takes away from women who have genuinely been raped, which is a horrible, traumatic experience. And yes, I do believe you can be raped within marriage, but to me this isn't it.

What do you mean by "out of interest"? Is there value to you in putting a label on it?
Only you can know the level of communication that is normal between you, whether he may have misheard, etc.
I think it's pointless to call it rape and personally wouldn't for a one off incident. Repeat behaviour would be very different.

No I'd not call it rape but you'd need to tell us more. There is so much we don't know.
How loudly did you ask him to stop? Was it one word said quietly? Might he not have heard you? Was your voice muffled? How loudly did you have to say it again before he did stop?

You know him and your history- we don't.

You need to talk to him.

OP I can appreciate you upset but I'm with some other posters who are wondering why you are keen to put a label on what occurred, (which is an incredibly serious, violent attack on a woman) rather than have a conversation with your husband, either at the time or now.

@SpringtimeSummertime

I wouldn’t personally. Delayed reaction in the heat of the moment? Inconsiderate, rude?

Agree.

Only you know. If normally you say no he’s fines with it, chances are he didn’t hear / delayed reaction/ caught in the moment. But I think the important thing here IS HE DID STOP. Do you think your dh is a rapist? If you hinestly think he’s a rapist then you would feel obliged surely to report him to police ... k ok not you know if this was rape or not. Or is it that you’re confused because there’s so much attention on such things at the moment that I’m some cases common sense goes flying out the window and everything is criminal in some way? I am
In no way demeaning or belittling anyone here, I’m just saying, everyone is thinking twice and perhaps overthinking things right now, rightly or wrongly and I think people are starting to doubt their own judgement

Basically this is a one off incident in an otherwise good relationship ("usually" kind, good dad) that may have been a misunderstanding. I think if you want to leave him then obviously you should (because he is only "usually" kind for instance) but calling him a rapist is extreme and pointless.

@Scrumptiousbears

This place loves to declare rape at the drop of a hat. Ffs people.

This, but it’s MN all men are vile, evil rapists.

Whether it’s rape or not, it’s not exactly “enthusiastic consent” is it?

Just talk to him OP and see what he says.

Not rape

No, he may not have heard or realised and when you repeated he did. I do not think that this was rape.

I quite often had to ask DH to stop mid sex as it hurt post birth. He always did and l would be devastated if he didn't. Ignoring what it is called it is absolutely awful that somebody would carry on doing something to someone that they didn't want particularly something so intimate. You need to talk to him and very clearly say that you appreciate he might not heard it but if you want to have sex again it was only be on the proviso that he would stop immediately no matter what if you ask him to.
I hope you're OK you have every right not to be.

You need to talk to him OP. But if he didn't hear you then I wouldn't say rape. That's a very big hole to get into if he didn't hear you! And he stopped when he did hear you. If he didn't want to he wouldn't have stopped and then yes that would have been rape. You say he's normally a good husband and so this seems to be an error and he didn't hear you. Explain it still hurts and you need more time. I'm sure he will understand and wait.

Why are you so keen to label it as rape? If he didn’t hear you (which you’re unsure of) then it is not as he did not hear you. Of course we were not there - if he didn’t hear you say No then he can’t have raped you as he was acting on the consent at that point. You said No again and he heard you so he stopped.

Ask him if he heard you I would say!

@WhatHappened200

I’m not sure if he heard the first time. I’m just shocked about him not stopping if he did hear, as he’s been fine with me saying no to him.

If you asked him to stop, he heard you, and didn't stop - then yes, he is raping you.

If you asked him to stop and he didn't hear then he couldn't have known until he heard you.

You must have some feelings about it, have there been any other instances that worry or scare you around this? Or was it a genuine miscommunication?

It sounds like you just need to talk to him.

No, sorry, it really isn't.

It’s not a great experience but in the heat of the moment I can see how stopping instant,y might be problematic. He then stopped the second time asked.

If it’s an otherwise healthy relationship I would just be inclined to have a serious conversation about boundaries with my partner after something like this.

@WhatHappened200

I’m not sure if he heard the first time. I’m just shocked about him not stopping if he did hear, as he’s been fine with me saying no to him.

I think you've answered your own question here.

Well he's trashed your sex life for a significant amount of time whether he heard you or not as he was obviously focused entirely on himself if he didn't hear a NO from point blank range. Which is bloody awful however you look at it.