What happened here, is it rape?

[WhatHappened200]

I’ve namechanged for obvious reasons.

I’ve been with partner for 2 years and we have a baby boy. Partner is usually kind and a good dad to son and a good partner etc.

Last night he asked if we could have sex (first time since having ds) and I said yes but it was painful so I told him to stop but he didn’t. I told him to stop again and he did.

Would you call this rape or not as he did eventually stop?

@Whatwouldscullydo

You should have spoken to him at the time, to find out if he heard you say stop the first time

This is just another one if the myths that circulate. Telling women that they reacted wrong or whatever.

I think if the OP is sleeping with the bloke in a non abusive relationship (she has not indicated that it is) then it’s assumed they can actually talk to each other.

Being non abusive up up that point doesn't make dealing with something like this any easier though. There is no right or wrong way to react.

In fact it probably makes it a whole lit harder. You wouldn't expect much better from some stranger arsehole in a dark ally. You expect more from the people you love. Hence why op is questioning and doubting herself.

@Whatwouldscullydo

In fact it probably makes it a whole lit harder. You wouldn't expect much better from some stranger arsehole in a dark ally. You expect more from the people you love. Hence why op is questioning and doubting herself.

That’s makes sense. I would guess it would come as a shock if it is out of character. That would explain not knowing how to react immediately. I have quite a, let’s say, blunt relationship! ‘Oi, I said get off - ffs!’ would have been my reaction! Not everyone is as uncivilised I guess!

Rape inside of marriage wasn't even recognised until the 90s. 95 I think.

The judicial system of mumsnet clearly has no idea how high the threshold is to get a rape charge, never mind a conviction. As horrible as this behaviour is, it’s not rape.

@Jesusmaryjosephandthecamel

Failings and weaknesses of the judicial system do not actually determine the definition of what is and isn't rape. You are correct in pointing out how difficult it is to obtain convictions, but couldn't be more wrong if you're suggesting that this means only a tiny number of rapes take place every year.

@TaraR2020 I know first hand what determines the definition of rape and also that a large number of rapes take place each year. I also know how virtually impossible it is, firstly to even get a charge authorised by CPS, and then to successfully have an offender convicted. It’s one of the most difficult offences to prove.

Someone having to be asked twice to stop does not constitute rape.

If I ever feel pain during sex for whatever reason, I don't say simply stop. I usually squirm, or make a moaning sound, or wriggle, or gently push him away while saying something like: wait, it hurts, or all of the above. It's just natural instinctive behaviour when you are hurt, it shows on your face and you want to move away from the source if pain. So my DH gets a very clear message that I don't want to continue and he stops instantly.

Just one quiet stop can be not heard or misheard in the heat of the moment if you appear fine otherwise.