Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What happened here, is it rape?

109 replies

WhatHappened200 · 02/05/2021 06:59

I’ve namechanged for obvious reasons.

I’ve been with partner for 2 years and we have a baby boy. Partner is usually kind and a good dad to son and a good partner etc.

Last night he asked if we could have sex (first time since having ds) and I said yes but it was painful so I told him to stop but he didn’t. I told him to stop again and he did.

Would you call this rape or not as he did eventually stop?

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 02/05/2021 07:46

@SpringtimeSummertime

Just out of interest... Those of you who say it’s rape... You realise that would make her DP a rapist don’t you? Should the OP report the ‘rape’ to the police and go in to be examined, have him arrested and charged?
Yes, but she won't, and if she did, it wouldn't even get as far as a charge. So don't worry.
IhateBoswell · 02/05/2021 07:47

Given that it sounds like this was the first time he'd had sex for a significant time, he was lost in the whole thing etc.

Yeah, fuck that for an excuse 🙄

Eviethyme · 02/05/2021 07:49

You removed your consent so yes it was rape.

SpringtimeSummertime · 02/05/2021 07:49

DrSbaitso
Why should I worry?
It’s the OP’s decision, not mine.

DrSbaitso · 02/05/2021 07:50

@Scrumptiousbears

This place loves to declare rape at the drop of a hat. Ffs people.
It wasn't a dropped hat, it was a man continuing after a woman said to stop.

No wonder there are women on here all the time asking if they've been assaulted when they're always being told this about a man ignoring your refusal.

OscarWildesCat · 02/05/2021 07:50

No, I don’t believe it was, you said yourself you’re not sure if he heard you and when he did he stopped, speak to him and have a discussion together about what happened. I may get flamed but I think you’re being way OTT.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 02/05/2021 07:50

Men cannot use this an excuse.
However in this case it was consensual marital sex so presumably OP didn't scream at him to stop but said it in a quiet/normal voice. Men cannot claim that they didn't hear if the woman says so loudly and forcefully or even shouts. But this is not what happened here.

Norabatty40 · 02/05/2021 07:51

Im glad there is still sensible people on this place

KihoBebiluPute · 02/05/2021 07:52

If he heard you and didn't stop then yes he is a rapist and no he isn't a good partner or a good dad because a rapist can't be that. Do you want your son to be brought up thinking that consent is optional if the man is really wanting the sex to happen but the woman says no?

Only you and he can know how likely it is that he didn't hear you.

"eventually" stopping is irrelevant. All such acts stop "eventually". It still happened.

Atalantea · 02/05/2021 07:53

@Imreaaaaady

It worries me how quickly the word rape is thrown around on here. If he didn't hear you, it's not rape. You need to talk to him.
Really? Is that how it works then? So maybe if you're deaf you can't be a rapist??

Back to the OP, I think technically it probably would be counted as rape if op wanted to go down that route, but then she would porbsnly have to prove reasonability that he could have known consent was withdrawn.

Also, if this is out of character for dh, and given he stopped when he knew, (and depending on many other factors that we don't know) I would not report but would have a discussion about how he needs to be more aware. It is a difficult question, op is obviously not happy with what happened or would not have posted

DrSbaitso · 02/05/2021 07:54

@SpringtimeSummertime

DrSbaitso Why should I worry? It’s the OP’s decision, not mine.
Your worry (sorry, "out of interest") is that a man who continues after being told no might get some sort of real consequence. It rarely happens and it certainly won't happen here, so your worry, sorry, interest, is unfounded.

If OP talks to him, he will probably dismiss it like the apologists on here, or possibly start castigating himself so that OP will have to start comforting him. Either way, she'll feel like the bad guy. And so it continues.

You have nothing to worry, sorry, be interested, about. It was ever thus.

User0ne · 02/05/2021 07:55

I think you need a conversation with him.

I've had 3 DC with DH and each time having sex afterwards DH is very attentive to how I am feeling, whether I'm comfortable and enjoying it etc. He's aware that sex can hurt post birth and would be mortified if he hurt me because he wanted to have sex (we do both want sec when we have it).

What does your dp say about the fact that he hurt you? Is he mortified or entitled? It doesn't make it tape/not rape but it would make a difference to what I did next.

DrSbaitso · 02/05/2021 07:56

@MandalaYogaTapestry

Men cannot use this an excuse. However in this case it was consensual marital sex so presumably OP didn't scream at him to stop but said it in a quiet/normal voice. Men cannot claim that they didn't hear if the woman says so loudly and forcefully or even shouts. But this is not what happened here.
Yes, I think it's only rape if five people in the next county hear you scream or whatever. Rape is always an overtly violent act that the woman fights tooth and nail from the very start, preferably by a complete stranger who dragged her behind a bush off the street. That's exactly how it manifests itself. And when they're married, that totally makes a difference.

It doesn't exist in degrees, there is no nuance.

Keep telling yourself that.

NoParticularPattern · 02/05/2021 07:58

Speak to him. Yes he should have stopped when you first said but if he didn’t hear, misheard etc and then did stop when you said it again I wouldn’t consider it rape. Unless there’s a massive backstory that is. Have a conversation with him, explain how you feel.

SpringtimeSummertime · 02/05/2021 07:58

DrSbaitso
Interesting interpretation there.
Wrong though.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 02/05/2021 08:02

Considering your not sure if he heard you the first time, I wouldn't call it rape, no.
Was he annoyed after you asked him to stop?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 02/05/2021 08:06

Although I'll probably get shouted down for this, but I bet there's a good chance he did hear you and just hoped if he ignored you, you wouldn't say it again.

SpringtimeSummertime · 02/05/2021 08:11

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Although I'll probably get shouted down for this, but I bet there's a good chance he did hear you and just hoped if he ignored you, you wouldn't say it again.
That could be the case definitely. OP needs to talk to him.
Thunderdonkey · 02/05/2021 08:13

It would depend on both whether he heard you, and how long it was between the first time you asked and the second. If he didn't hear you, in law it's not rape, and if it was just a couple of seconds reaction time, then that wouldn't be either.

That said, your partner has definitely been inconsiderate and careless. He obviously knew this was the first time you'd had sex since having the baby, and should have been very aware that it could be painful because of that. I would focus on that side of it in any discussions with him. Just not being raped is a very low bar to ask for in any sexual encounter.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 02/05/2021 08:13

@SpringtimeSummertime

DrSbaitso Interesting interpretation there. Wrong though.
I think Dr's interpretation is perfect actually, so, you're wrong.
Babyboomtastic · 02/05/2021 08:19

If he didn't hear, and continued to therefore have a reasonable belief that the OP was consenting, then it's not rape.

It depends on a variety of factors - how loudly/clearly it was said, positions at the time (ie if from behind he's likely to be less aware as can't see her face), the length of time between what you said and repeating it (if he wants expecting it, his reaction time will be slower).

If he's been a good partner in the past and always respectful of your boundaries until now, I'd assume that he didn't hear/was a slow reaction, rather that him acting completely out of character and continuing deliberately. Only the OP knows him in the past and whether they're have been reg flags before.

Regardless though, you need a chat with him about this, to work out a way to ensure it doesn't happen again, and to make him very aware of the need to ensure you are ok when easing back into sex after a baby.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 02/05/2021 08:21

@SpringtimeSummertime

Just out of interest... Those of you who say it’s rape... You realise that would make her DP a rapist don’t you? Should the OP report the ‘rape’ to the police and go in to be examined, have him arrested and charged?
Yes, it does make him a rapist. Whether she wants to go down the legal route is up to her and she should be supported whatever her decision.
ballsdeep · 02/05/2021 08:24

@eatsleepread

It worries me how quickly people on here will shout rape.
Me too . I think it's a real worry. You said yourself op you're not sure if he's heard.
Nith · 02/05/2021 08:26

It wasn't a dropped hat, it was a man continuing after a woman said to stop.

No, it was a man continuing after he may not have heard a request to stop. None of us knows whether he heard or not, so none of us can say one way or the other whether this was rape.

WallpaperLady · 02/05/2021 08:26

@WhatHappened200

I’m not sure if he heard the first time. I’m just shocked about him not stopping if he did hear, as he’s been fine with me saying no to him.
Talk to him, if you're not sure he heard.x