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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be so cross about this?

378 replies

Tiredandcross · 02/05/2021 06:46

Have nc'd as outing but regular, long time poster....sistene screamer, penis beaker, Spanish gran etc

Had a huge row with dp last night. I do all...and I mean all....the housework we both work full time. I have not been happy for sometime and have made it very clear he needs to start helping but nothing going.

Three weeks ago I had day surgery. It was minor but can take months to recover. I had 2 weeks off work and spent the first week asleep on the sofa most of the day but was still expected to do dinner etc etc. Back to work last week and yesterday was totally exhausted.

I am menopausal, disturbed by the dogs the night before, and dp snoring. So was also not very friendly to anyone...not rude but not chatty.

He was really off with me during dinner. It was late as I was tired, and had not got my act together very well.

However we always eat at 9 because he likes to game with his mates until then. Last night he had a go as apparently I don't care and spend more time doing stuff for my kids as dinner is getting later and later.

I pointed out that I finish work at 5.30 and by the time I have walked the dogs and got the kids dinner it is 7pm. Then I like to speak to my parents every evening, they are in their 80's and I have seen them once in the last year as they are some distance from me. I also have laundry and housework to do and assist my dc with asd with personal care and school work. So yeah sometimes dinner is late.

He told me I don't care and when I started to get frustrated and upset apparently this meant I knew he was right. I told him no, I'm upset because he is wrong and wasn't letting me talk at which point he told me to stop raising my voice.

I was so upset. I pointed out that I had surgery 3 weeks ago and having been back at work last week am really tired. Not sleeping well either which doesn't help. I pointed out that when he gets in from work he games. I do everything else.

He wouldn't let me talk and I ended up shouting "what did your last servant die of" as I got so frustrated. I shouldn't have shouted but at that point I had had enough.

So now he is sulking as I don't care enough to feed him on time, I never feel like having sex (I'm exhausted and can't just switch it on!) , and shouted at him when he asked me not to (I did ask him at this point to write down how he would like me to behave in future so I don't forget)

I have woken up this morning really upset about the whole thing. Is that all he sees me as? A cook and someone to have sex with? Aibu to feel like this or was I wrong?

OP posts:
WineIsMyMainVice · 02/05/2021 12:24

@mswales

Oh my god. I can't believe what I'm reading. This man lives with you rent free, does nothing for you, does no housework and gets angry with you for spending time with your children or not cooking a second dinner for him at the time of his choosing? Please please please know that you are worth, you deserve, SO much more than this.
Absolutely hit the nail right on the head here. I couldn’t have put it better myself. You are not actually setting your children a good example by staying with him - they need to see what a healthy respectful and equal relationship looks like, not one that is so one sided. Good luck OP.
AllyBama · 02/05/2021 12:25

I remember when I made the decision to leave my abusive ex husband. It was like a switch had been flicked in my head. I realised it was so simple. I could just leave! I could just end it with him and never look back. Thats not to say there weren’t complicated things to deal with - house, divorce etc but the immense feeling of relief that came over me was amazing.

Please OP, for the sake of your children and yourself, tell this arse to pack his bags and start your life on a better trajectory than it was ever going to be while you were shackled to him. You’ll look back on this decision and say to yourself ‘thank god I did that, look how far I’ve come since then’

ForwardRanger · 02/05/2021 12:26

The most shocking part of this is that you start by saying you've been on MN for years and yet apparently have not picked up that women are not servants. There are threads on here daily about situations like yours and it is mindblowing that so many women still expect so very little from their relationships. I really hope that you will make some big changes in your life. Good luck.

TimeIsUp · 02/05/2021 12:28

I think his lazy attitude towards you has rubbed off on the kids too! All the more reason to get rid!

Good point from @LittleOwl153 - you don't want your kids growing up thinking this is what a relationship looks like, regardless of your kids being boys or girls.

amusedbush · 02/05/2021 12:28

I'm thrilled that you're not married, he's not the father of your children and he doesn't contribute to the house. That makes it much easier to get rid of the cocklodging cunt.

I know that confrontation is difficult and it doesn't sound like he'll go without a fight but you deserve so much more than a lazy man child who dictates your dinner time around his gaming schedule. Stay strong and focus on how much more happy and relaxed you'll be when it's just you and your kids.

katy1213 · 02/05/2021 12:30

I thought you were going to say you were financially dependent on this man. But as you're not - there really isn't any point to him, is there? Somebody said cuckoo in the nest - that sums him up exactly.

DinaofCloud9 · 02/05/2021 12:34

Jeez you wet lettuce just get rid. He's a waste of space.

Notonthestairs · 02/05/2021 12:35

@CoffeeBeansGalore

Have my very first LTB. It is Sunday. He has time to pack & go home to mummy. Life will be less stressful without him & you will get far more sleep without his snoring.

Get the kids quietly in their rooms & tell him you need a quick chat. Be calm & firm.

I am not happy. This is not working. I want you to pack up your stuff & leave today. Anything you can't shift today can be collected next weekend. The bin bags are in X cupboard.

Then just walk away & make yourself a drink. He will no doubt try to sway you. Don't waiver. Keep repeating I want you to pack your stuff & leave. If he turns nasty call the police.

Good luck. You deserve far more than being treated like a shagging servant in your own house.

All of this. ^^

Please value yourself.

ChristinaXYZ · 02/05/2021 12:40

@ivfgottwins

Yeah he sound likes An epic prick. But you've facilitated, allowed and possibly encouraged this behaviour so should take some responsibility - I'd be telling him he eats at 7 with the kids or doesn't eat all. Set out a list of stuff you want help with. If he doesn't shape up he ships out simple as that
Absolutely. Family dinner at 7pm. And the one that does not cook washes up. And then you're entitled to some time to yourself. If he won't turn up then he can microwave what you plate up later. And stop doing his laundry unless he starts helping. Stand your ground and good luck.
AntiHop · 02/05/2021 12:41

Thank goodness it's your home and you're not financially dependent on him. Makes ending the relationship much easier.

I'm so shocked about how he's treated you.

Lysianthus · 02/05/2021 12:42

Just another hand hold, you’re doing really well thinking this through and I believe you now know what to do. Best of luck 💐

Lalliella · 02/05/2021 12:49

Is that all he sees me as? A cook and someone to have sex with? Yes. Sorry. He’s a cock-lodger. Sorry OP. Get rid of the lazy bastard.

feistymumma · 02/05/2021 12:52

I ended my relationship with my ex who behaved the same as your DH. Absolutely taking people for granted and expecting everyone else to run around after them whether they were ill or not.

feistymumma · 02/05/2021 12:54

@Tiredandcross

Thank you for your responses.

I'm glad I'm not wrong to have got so cross. He left me feeling like I was in the wrong somehow.

It is my house, he moved in with me and my dc 8 years ago. We eventually planned to buy our own but it's not happened...thank goodness really!

Yes I've facilitated this I know. I'm not proud of that but it has happened and this is where I am.

I'm dreading hearing him get up as I know he is likely to be in a bad mood and sulking and short with me and I can't bear bad atmospheres.

It's time he moved out. He is taking you for a fool
billy1966 · 02/05/2021 12:55

Offering you the scraps of a cuddle🙄, to keep his meal ticket quiet.

Unbelievable OP.

You deserve so much better.

Many, many, women happily opt to be on their own rather than accept scraps.

Think of what you are modeling to them.

A mother after surgery skivvying as her lazy, cocklodger boyfriend has a sulk that his meal isn't on time.

Jesus H Christ.

Newestname001 · 02/05/2021 12:56

Before you tell him, @Tiredandcross, change any and all passwords he might even a slight chance of knowing - most importantly your banking and shopping websites passwords.

Also when he leaves - hopefully very soon - ensure you change all the locks. Even if he hands his keys back to you there's no guarantee he doesn't have another set.

Good luck - and strength to you. 🌹

Notaroadrunner · 02/05/2021 12:57

I agree, you need to tell him (not ask) him to leave. Think of the peaceful household you and you dc will experience when this man is gone. You can cook what you want, have dinner when you want. You won't be walking on eggshells waiting for him to throw another strop. I'd advise having new locks ready to fit once he has left, even if he does leave his keys. If the locks aren't straightforward to change then get a locksmith. It will be worth the money to ensure he cannot walk back into your life again. Be very firm, don't be fobbed off by half hearted apologies or offers to change. He's been given the chance before and has not bothered his arse to make any effort.

heartcake · 02/05/2021 13:05

Jeez, he is very entitled isn't he.
You absolutely deserve more than this. Thanks

MiaRoma · 02/05/2021 13:05

Hes got to go. You have no self respect and that's not good for the children to see

MuthaFunka61 · 02/05/2021 13:08

Well done @Tiredandcross,your realisation is the first step. Take your time formulating your plan and getting support for when he's finally leaving and be resolute.

Remember we're here to support you through this Flowers Cake Brew

billybagpuss · 02/05/2021 13:10

I love the ‘would you write down how I should behave’ bit. I hope it was delivered with a proper condescending sarcy voice.

You have some great lines for one who dislikes confrontation. (I always think of them several hours later)

Hope it goes well.

toocold54 · 02/05/2021 13:11

Not read everyone else’s replies but why do you eat so late?

Can you not eat with the children and if he’s not ready to eat he can cook something for himself later on.
Same with laundry and everything else do yours and the children’s and he can do his himself seeing as it’s so easy to do.

Obviously only until you LTB which I’d be doing asap.

Howshouldibehave · 02/05/2021 13:11

He must have thought all his wishes had come true when he met you!!

Think about how lovely it would be going to bed tonight with him gone and no lazy twatting man-child pressuring you to have food ready at a certain time or to have sex with him.

The house back to how it should be.

TheCrowening · 02/05/2021 13:11

Astonishing to read yet another thread about a useless lump leeching off a woman. This one is particularly awful.

OP what are you getting from this man now? He’s too entrenched in this entitlement. Surely he has to go.

toocold54 · 02/05/2021 13:14

Thank goodness it's your home and you're not financially dependent on him. Makes ending the relationship much easier.

I agree.

OP it is not often on MN where every single poster is telling you you are in the right and he’s 100% wrong.
You sound like an intelligent women so you will easily cope without him and you will find life is so much easier once he’s gone.