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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be so cross about this?

378 replies

Tiredandcross · 02/05/2021 06:46

Have nc'd as outing but regular, long time poster....sistene screamer, penis beaker, Spanish gran etc

Had a huge row with dp last night. I do all...and I mean all....the housework we both work full time. I have not been happy for sometime and have made it very clear he needs to start helping but nothing going.

Three weeks ago I had day surgery. It was minor but can take months to recover. I had 2 weeks off work and spent the first week asleep on the sofa most of the day but was still expected to do dinner etc etc. Back to work last week and yesterday was totally exhausted.

I am menopausal, disturbed by the dogs the night before, and dp snoring. So was also not very friendly to anyone...not rude but not chatty.

He was really off with me during dinner. It was late as I was tired, and had not got my act together very well.

However we always eat at 9 because he likes to game with his mates until then. Last night he had a go as apparently I don't care and spend more time doing stuff for my kids as dinner is getting later and later.

I pointed out that I finish work at 5.30 and by the time I have walked the dogs and got the kids dinner it is 7pm. Then I like to speak to my parents every evening, they are in their 80's and I have seen them once in the last year as they are some distance from me. I also have laundry and housework to do and assist my dc with asd with personal care and school work. So yeah sometimes dinner is late.

He told me I don't care and when I started to get frustrated and upset apparently this meant I knew he was right. I told him no, I'm upset because he is wrong and wasn't letting me talk at which point he told me to stop raising my voice.

I was so upset. I pointed out that I had surgery 3 weeks ago and having been back at work last week am really tired. Not sleeping well either which doesn't help. I pointed out that when he gets in from work he games. I do everything else.

He wouldn't let me talk and I ended up shouting "what did your last servant die of" as I got so frustrated. I shouldn't have shouted but at that point I had had enough.

So now he is sulking as I don't care enough to feed him on time, I never feel like having sex (I'm exhausted and can't just switch it on!) , and shouted at him when he asked me not to (I did ask him at this point to write down how he would like me to behave in future so I don't forget)

I have woken up this morning really upset about the whole thing. Is that all he sees me as? A cook and someone to have sex with? Aibu to feel like this or was I wrong?

OP posts:
Pricklykaktus · 02/05/2021 13:18

So you clean, cook, tend to your children’s needs and go to work. Sorry I’ve not read all msgs in thread but does he do anything? If not, you’re better off without him. He sounds like a drain on you. Some people are afraid to be in their own and I don’t know if this applies to you OP but if he’s not adding anything to your life then what’s the point of being with him?

imsanehonest · 02/05/2021 13:20

Hi OP, I posted earlier this morning just after you started the thread. Seeing your updates has me seething!

I had a useless exH, put up with it for 4 years. Till one day I snapped. Told him to get his sorry arse out of my house (same as you, he lived there rent free, did nothing AND cheated). He begged & pleaded and even suggested he sleep in his truck during the week (HGV driver) and come home at weekends. I said, "Are you having a fucking laugh! You can sleep in your car at the weekends!"

Gave him a date to collect all his stuff, made sure I wasn't on my own in the house that day, made sure DC's were elsewhere. Anything not collected went on the tip.

My life has been SO much better since! And yours will be too.

My biggest satisfaction is knowing my DCs won't grow up thinking that is how men treat women/or how any relationship should 'be' and we are are no longer subjected to his moods and all the other shit that came with him.

Make today the day that you snap! We are all here to support you even if we are just virtual strangers on the internet. So many of us have been in the exact position you are in and we know there are better times/a better life for you in the future. Yes it can be rough in the beginning but once you are through all that, the world is your oyster. Thanks

Waterfallgirl · 02/05/2021 13:21

@toocold54

Thank goodness it's your home and you're not financially dependent on him. Makes ending the relationship much easier.

I agree.

OP it is not often on MN where every single poster is telling you you are in the right and he’s 100% wrong.
You sound like an intelligent women so you will easily cope without him and you will find life is so much easier once he’s gone.

⬆️this and this again.

You put your children first, (and that’s how it should be). He sulks.
He doesn’t help you in day to day stuff around the house.
He doesn’t contribute much financially.
He is a grown man with children of his own and likes gaming every day after work😠.

It’s pretty unanimous - he is a man child and you need to get rid.

You can do so much better OP.

BiscoffAddict · 02/05/2021 13:23

I’d change the locks and leave his stuff on the doorstep. Presumably he’s in his 50’s? Why the hell is he still ‘gaming with his friends’ at that age, absolutely fucking pathetic.

Frenchfancy · 02/05/2021 13:25

For once not being married is a major bonus. Tell him to leave. Do you have any friends or family that can be there when you tell him? Safety in numbers and will make it less likely that you will give in to his persuasion.

Just imagine your life without him. You can eat dinner with your kids, go to bed when you want. No one telling you what to do.

RandomMess · 02/05/2021 13:27

He sounds like a cock lodger tbh SadAngry

I hope the rest of your recovery goes well.

Thanks
2bazookas · 02/05/2021 13:28

Where you are wrong is pandering to his demands.

You and the kids should eat when it suits you., Do your own laundry; teach them to do theirs.

Leave him to cook his own food at 9pm after gaming, and do his own laundry. I take it the useless wanker is already managing his own sex life...

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/05/2021 13:29

I say this with love and care for you - why the everloving fuck is he still in your house?
Please please give him his marching orders.
He has zero care for you except as his housekeeper and sex object.
He expects you to do everything and he contributes next to nothing - he's a cocklodger indeed!

Since it's your house and you're not married (thank GODS!) then he has no right to stay in your home if you don't want him there - but I would definitely have a male friend/relative (if possible) on standby to "help" him leave if he refuses.

Confrontation does indeed suck - but you will feel 10 tons lighter once he's out the door! There is NOTHING lonelier than feeling lonely within a relationship - actually being alone has nothing on it. You will feel SO much better once he's gone, your headaches on waking will stop, and you'll be able to eat when you like. You won't be catering for this massive fucking manchild who "likes gaming til 9pm" (for the love of fuck, this is just pathetic in a grown adult) and even though you will still be doing all the housework, there will be less of it to do because you won't be clearing up after him any longer.
Win win!

Best of luck, I really can't stand these cocklodging, houseworkshy throwbacks - it's honestly time they died out!

Cookies2523 · 02/05/2021 13:30

💐💐

waitingforthenextseason · 02/05/2021 13:30

He is up and being really nice to me now. So he obviously realises he was in the wrong. I am just ignoring it. I can't be doing with the games. I'm tired. I keep waking up with headaches. I have no one to lean on and I am strong enough for my dc and me but not strong enough, or rather not willing to be strong enough, to carry him anymore

He's remembered you can kick him out.

Just do it!

GabriellaMontez · 02/05/2021 13:33

Omg. I would offer him the chance to have a discussion about the changes you need or the option to pack his bags.

This assumes you've not been down this route before with him. In which case just LTB he sounds like a massive cocklodger.

Diwoo · 02/05/2021 13:37

Thank goodness you have seen the light, even if it's taken surgery to do it!
Some people are willing to work as a partnership in their relationships and others will take as much advantage as the other lets them

ViciousJackdaw · 02/05/2021 13:38

Please get shut, not just for your own sake but for the DC too.

If you have a DD, how would you feel if she grew up to be a doormat?
If you have a DS, how would you feel if he grew up to be a lazy, sexist arse?

These are the behaviours that are currently being modelled.

SunshineCake · 02/05/2021 13:39

I'm really glad you are seeing the light. Please Chuck him out , for your kids sake as much as yours. Be careful. He might get physical. He won't go quietly. It is not your problem if he says he has nowhere to go. He'll tell you you are over reacting. He'll change etc etc. Well he can change while living somewhere else.

2020nymph · 02/05/2021 13:42

@freeandfierce

Get rid, it's your house so you are in a strong position. My STBXH once said to me when I was mid cancer treatment "if you die I'll have to employ a housekeeper and prostitute". Summed it up really, hence he is about to be my X.

I'm so sorry you went through that @freeandfierce what an absolute arsehole. You deserve so much better.

@Tiredandcross I'm livid you didn't have the support of your dickhead after your surgery. You deserve better. Does he add any joy to your life and it is it worth the way he is treating you? I'm guessing not.

Nanny0gg · 02/05/2021 13:44

@5zeds

I’d just ask him to do at least half the housework, cook all the meals for a few weeks and then half and pay half the bills. If he has a problem with any of that then I’d just say you’d like him to move out as you don’t have the energy to do his life-work for him.

It’s been eight years. You have fallen into a really bad set up and probably both of you are less than you would be if things changed a little. See if he wants to.

I really wouldn't bother. He's not worth it
SunnySpills · 02/05/2021 13:45

You've found yourself harbouring a prize cocklodger, op.
Time to set it free.

SunshineCake · 02/05/2021 13:45

Oh God. Don't do what 5zeds said Hmm. He knows what he is doing. He doesn't deserve another chance.

Nanny0gg · 02/05/2021 13:49

@GabriellaMontez

Omg. I would offer him the chance to have a discussion about the changes you need or the option to pack his bags.

This assumes you've not been down this route before with him. In which case just LTB he sounds like a massive cocklodger.

If you have to tell a fully grown adult how to behave it's not worth the bother
1WayOrAnother2 · 02/05/2021 13:50

You've fallen into an unfair set up and he has accepted this as his right. These things happen - but it isn't good to see that he was so happy to do this. Perhaps this could have been changed.

BUT
The test - of his love and care for you and of his sense of what is fair came when you were unwell.

He has failed that conclusively. How could he let someone he loves struggle on while he sat about as usual?

He doesn't love you OP. He only sees himself.

He was weighed and found wanting. Time to lose him. (My first LTB)

GeorgeandHarold66 · 02/05/2021 14:05

Well on the bright side, he'll be able to eat at whatever time he likes soon won't he? When he cooks it himself in his own house.
Good for you op for not standing up for his bullshit any longer. He's had a free ride for the past 8 years, time to let him go and give that extra energy and attention to yourself and your kids.
Good luck!

ThankYouHunkyJesus · 02/05/2021 14:07

He's a waste of space. Time to get rid.

IsThePopeCatholic · 02/05/2021 14:07

Just what is the point of him?

fishonabicycle · 02/05/2021 14:11

Cock lodger: my first LTB.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 02/05/2021 14:16

I think his attitude towards you was the straw that broke the camel's back OP. You don't need a huge confrontation, just calmly tell him you'd like him to leave with all of his belongings by this evening. Nothing more needs to be said, he's shown his true colours. Very best of luck @Tiredandcross