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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aibu to be so cross about this?

378 replies

Tiredandcross · 02/05/2021 06:46

Have nc'd as outing but regular, long time poster....sistene screamer, penis beaker, Spanish gran etc

Had a huge row with dp last night. I do all...and I mean all....the housework we both work full time. I have not been happy for sometime and have made it very clear he needs to start helping but nothing going.

Three weeks ago I had day surgery. It was minor but can take months to recover. I had 2 weeks off work and spent the first week asleep on the sofa most of the day but was still expected to do dinner etc etc. Back to work last week and yesterday was totally exhausted.

I am menopausal, disturbed by the dogs the night before, and dp snoring. So was also not very friendly to anyone...not rude but not chatty.

He was really off with me during dinner. It was late as I was tired, and had not got my act together very well.

However we always eat at 9 because he likes to game with his mates until then. Last night he had a go as apparently I don't care and spend more time doing stuff for my kids as dinner is getting later and later.

I pointed out that I finish work at 5.30 and by the time I have walked the dogs and got the kids dinner it is 7pm. Then I like to speak to my parents every evening, they are in their 80's and I have seen them once in the last year as they are some distance from me. I also have laundry and housework to do and assist my dc with asd with personal care and school work. So yeah sometimes dinner is late.

He told me I don't care and when I started to get frustrated and upset apparently this meant I knew he was right. I told him no, I'm upset because he is wrong and wasn't letting me talk at which point he told me to stop raising my voice.

I was so upset. I pointed out that I had surgery 3 weeks ago and having been back at work last week am really tired. Not sleeping well either which doesn't help. I pointed out that when he gets in from work he games. I do everything else.

He wouldn't let me talk and I ended up shouting "what did your last servant die of" as I got so frustrated. I shouldn't have shouted but at that point I had had enough.

So now he is sulking as I don't care enough to feed him on time, I never feel like having sex (I'm exhausted and can't just switch it on!) , and shouted at him when he asked me not to (I did ask him at this point to write down how he would like me to behave in future so I don't forget)

I have woken up this morning really upset about the whole thing. Is that all he sees me as? A cook and someone to have sex with? Aibu to feel like this or was I wrong?

OP posts:
wishywashywoowoo70 · 02/05/2021 11:43

Jesus he's a bit of a twat isn't he.
I'd be chucking his sorry ass out of my house.

He doesn't deserve you he sounds like an immature child.

Gaming til 9 when you slave away. Fuck that.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 02/05/2021 11:47

@YoniAndGuy

If confrontation is really an issue, you tell him that you need space, and he is to go elsewhere for a few nights.

He will go, as he'll fear getting kicked out.

When he's out, you pack his stuff.

You let him back in to get it, with someone else there to support you.

'I've nowhere to go'
'Then maybe you shouldn't have bitten the hand that was feeding you. There are lots of local Airbnbs, suggest you get one and work out what to do next.'

Yep.

Standing up for yourself and your kids is not 'confrontation'. See it as just that, putting your kids first here.

'I have nowhere to go'. 'Hotels are open.' 'I don't have the money.' 'Phone a friend. You've been living here rent free for donks.'

StillSmallVoice · 02/05/2021 11:47

This all sounds so difficult for you. Gaming every day? Really?

Maxiedog123 · 02/05/2021 11:51

So what exactly is the point of him? Sounds like he just makes your life more difficult.
Also is this a UK thing to cook separate evening meals for parents and school age children, why don't you eat together?

freeandfierce · 02/05/2021 11:53

Get rid, it's your house so you are in a strong position. My STBXH once said to me when I was mid cancer treatment "if you die I'll have to employ a housekeeper and prostitute". Summed it up really, hence he is about to be my X.

LilacTwine · 02/05/2021 11:56

Why is he 'gaming with his friends' when there is food to be cooked, children to be looked after and housework to be done?

No wonder you don't feel like sex, he sounds like another child.

Seriously he needs to grow up and help out. Let him sulk.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 02/05/2021 11:58

@Maxiedog123

So what exactly is the point of him? Sounds like he just makes your life more difficult. Also is this a UK thing to cook separate evening meals for parents and school age children, why don't you eat together?
It seems to be, and has its roots in babies, toddlers and young children being put to bed at 6 or 7pm. We've always eaten together.

In this case she's doing it because the lazy manchild is gaming.

Honestly, OP, please do some work on yourself after getting rid of him because your ideas of 'confrontation' are very skewed and this makes you vulnerable to bullying, using, manipulative twats like this guy.

TimeIsUp · 02/05/2021 11:58

He is up and being really nice to me now. So he obviously realises he was in the wrong.

Of course he is because he'll be panicking you have finally seen the light and his cheap and easy lifestyle is at risk. A cocklodger that sulks because you spend time with your kids? You really do not need to put up with that OP.

blacksax · 02/05/2021 12:02

I do put my kids first which is the problem now really

You are absolutely right in putting your kids first. The only problem is that he doesn't like it because he wants you to put him first.

He's a selfish dickhead and I think that "What did your last servant die of?" went nowhere near far enough. "If you don't like it, then fuck off and go and live somewhere else, you lazy bastard" would have been far more appropriate.

GlitterBicuits · 02/05/2021 12:03

Does he have any good points?
What contributions, financial and practical does he make to the relationship?

I'd just let him fend for himself. In fact I'd probably be calling the whole thing off. If he can't pull his standards up when you are ill then what's the point?

5zeds · 02/05/2021 12:03

I’d just ask him to do at least half the housework, cook all the meals for a few weeks and then half and pay half the bills. If he has a problem with any of that then I’d just say you’d like him to move out as you don’t have the energy to do his life-work for him.

It’s been eight years. You have fallen into a really bad set up and probably both of you are less than you would be if things changed a little. See if he wants to.

LittleOwl153 · 02/05/2021 12:03

How old are you kids OP?

You say he moved in 8 years ago when your youngest was yr5 (so 9/10yrs old) which suggests your kids are alduts or close to? Even if you kid was 5yrs old then they are now 13yrs+ surely one of them could have cooked you dinner if this lazy arse can't be bothered...

I think his lazy attitude towards you has rubbed off on the kids too! All the more reason to get rid!

osbertthesyrianhamster · 02/05/2021 12:03

And this expectation that you're resident cook. I'll never understand these women who are 'expected' to feed a capable adult, much less an adult who lives rent and bill free in someone else's house.

Bythemillpond · 02/05/2021 12:04

This isn’t a partnership he just wants to be treated like one of your children to be fed, housed and cleaned up after while he plays with his games. And only wants to act like a partner when he wants sex

angelaEhen · 02/05/2021 12:06

Stay strong op and get rid of this useless man child, you deserve better

stayathomegardener · 02/05/2021 12:06

Irrespective of your relationship (which sounds awful) it's a terrible example to show the children.

You seem perfectly capable of surviving and indeed thriving without him.
Be prepared for when the realisation dawns that his meal ticket is ending for him to become the perfect partner, well just till you conform.

Taikoo · 02/05/2021 12:07

You have to kick him out.
If you won't do it for yourself because you can't be without any old pair of trousers, the please can you consider your kids.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 02/05/2021 12:08

He's got you feeling you're wrong for shouting in your own home that he lives in rent and bill free.

'I need some space to think. You need to go somewhere else for a few nights.'

'Like where? I don't have any money.'

'You're an adult. You need to figure that out.'

He'll apologise, maybe offer to make a token effort. Remember, ALL of this is bullshit because he wants to keep his meal ticket and just hours ago he was bullying you about fucking feeding him 'on time', ordering you around in your own home, manipulating you in your own home ('You know I'm right'). That's the real him.

Alcemeg · 02/05/2021 12:13

@Tiredandcross

I think you deserve a medal for
"What did your last servant die of"

🤣

Honestly, that's absolutely brilliant and straight from the soul.

If I were you I'd embroider that and frame it on the wall for when you have a nice life on your own, or with someone who looks after you. So you can look at it and chuckle.

I'm so glad you still have the spirit left in you to find a better way forward. Good luck! Flowers

Thebookswereherfriends · 02/05/2021 12:14

Sounds like classic cocklodger. Ask yourself exactly what he brings to your life? Does he make any part of it easier? Do you feel supported and like a team, or do you just have another child?

Howshouldibehave · 02/05/2021 12:15

Bear with me, I am rubbish at confrontation but I know my chance will come today

Good for you. What do you plan to do?

Ellie56 · 02/05/2021 12:16

So it's your house and he moved in and expects you to wait on him hand and foot? Shock

Why are you putting up with this shit? You deserve better and it is really damaging for your children to grow up thinking this is how relationships are.

Do yourself a massive favour and tell this knobhead waste of space to pack his bags and fuck off.

You will be much happier. I guarantee it.

longtompot · 02/05/2021 12:17

Your post has made me so angry op. How dare he not support you after your operation and expect his dinner to be ready at 9pm when he's had a busy evening of gaming!! Does he think you are a 50s wife?
Just think how much nicer your evenings will be without him there. You'll finish work, walk your dogs, help your kids, have dinner and then..... well whatever you want! No grumpy partner demanding dinner. Full nights sleep with no snoring. Sounds a much better deal. You are already doing it all by yourself anyway. Time for him to move out. I suspect this is why he already has one failed marriage. I suspect his ex was expected to deal with the same stuff. Good luck op!

Iwant2move · 02/05/2021 12:21

Please ask him to leave.
Your children will thank you for it.
You will feel so much better.
You are clearly unhappy.
I had to do this last year. It was tough but I feel so much happier.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/05/2021 12:23

You don't feed him on time?

I wouldn't feed him at all.