Aibu to be so cross about this?

[Tiredandcross]

Have nc'd as outing but regular, long time poster....sistene screamer, penis beaker, Spanish gran etc

Had a huge row with dp last night. I do all...and I mean all....the housework we both work full time. I have not been happy for sometime and have made it very clear he needs to start helping but nothing going.

Three weeks ago I had day surgery. It was minor but can take months to recover. I had 2 weeks off work and spent the first week asleep on the sofa most of the day but was still expected to do dinner etc etc. Back to work last week and yesterday was totally exhausted.

I am menopausal, disturbed by the dogs the night before, and dp snoring. So was also not very friendly to anyone...not rude but not chatty.

He was really off with me during dinner. It was late as I was tired, and had not got my act together very well.

However we always eat at 9 because he likes to game with his mates until then. Last night he had a go as apparently I don't care and spend more time doing stuff for my kids as dinner is getting later and later.

I pointed out that I finish work at 5.30 and by the time I have walked the dogs and got the kids dinner it is 7pm. Then I like to speak to my parents every evening, they are in their 80's and I have seen them once in the last year as they are some distance from me. I also have laundry and housework to do and assist my dc with asd with personal care and school work. So yeah sometimes dinner is late.

He told me I don't care and when I started to get frustrated and upset apparently this meant I knew he was right. I told him no, I'm upset because he is wrong and wasn't letting me talk at which point he told me to stop raising my voice.

I was so upset. I pointed out that I had surgery 3 weeks ago and having been back at work last week am really tired. Not sleeping well either which doesn't help. I pointed out that when he gets in from work he games. I do everything else.

He wouldn't let me talk and I ended up shouting "what did your last servant die of" as I got so frustrated. I shouldn't have shouted but at that point I had had enough.

So now he is sulking as I don't care enough to feed him on time, I never feel like having sex (I'm exhausted and can't just switch it on!) , and shouted at him when he asked me not to (I did ask him at this point to write down how he would like me to behave in future so I don't forget)

I have woken up this morning really upset about the whole thing. Is that all he sees me as? A cook and someone to have sex with? Aibu to feel like this or was I wrong?

shit OP, what an arsehole he is.

Ignore his sulking, go and do something nice instead.

And absolutely, no question, STOP DOING ANYTHING FOR HIM.
no laundry, cleaning, cooking. if it's that bloody easy, he can do it himself. How about eating with the kids for a while and letting him just fend for himself. That might give him the wake up call he needs, if not, get rid.

Urgh, gaming while you do everything. He's a lazy man child.

Your house? Not married? Tell him to pack and gtf out your house

@Merryoldgoat

I will never understand posts like this.

OP - you work, you have children that aren’t his. He lives in your house. He makes you miserable

WHY would you put up with this? Why? As soon as he wakes up tell him you’ve thought about things and you don’t love him and want him gone.

I honestly think some women would put up with anything rather than be single. What a miserable existence.

This.

What's so bad about single? Or having a relationship with no living together?

Get rid.

Thank you all so much for your messages. I didn't expect so many and have just read through all of them.

I've been thinking for some time that I would be happier without him, certainly more relaxed, less stressed. It is exactly like having another child.

It didn't start like this, initially we were happy, did so much together, my youngest dc was in yr5 so I finished work at 3 so was home in time to do a lot of the housework when I went to ft that just didn't change. I did ask but as his job is physical and mine isn't he made it a tiredness competition and easier for me to avoid confrontation by just getting on with it.

I do put my kids first which is the problem now really but does not show them the sort of relationship they should be aspiring to be in. He, however, appears to sulk because I am spending time with them.

I pay all the bills, he does contribute but is paying a lot of maintenance to his ex for his dc which I don't resent at all but means that, in effect, he has a cheap and easy life here. I didn't mind to start because it was and equal and good relationship but maybe I was more blinded by love back then because looking back there were warning signs.

He is now so presumptive that somehow he deserves this easy life and I am making it difficult for him by not giving him the time and attention he apparently deserves, though I don't get the same from him by any stretch of the imagination.

He is up and being really nice to me now. So he obviously realises he was in the wrong. I am just ignoring it. I can't be doing with the games. I'm tired. I keep waking up with headaches. I have no one to lean on and I am strong enough for my dc and me but not strong enough, or rather not willing to be strong enough, to carry him anymore.

Turf the lazy git out.

So he doesn't even contribute to the bills?

Jeeze, please, please dump him. No wonder he's being nice now. He's scared that he's about to lose his meal ticket.

so was home in time to do a lot of the housework when I went to ft that just didn't change. I did ask but as his job is physical and mine isn't he made it a tiredness competition and easier for me to avoid confrontation by just getting on with it.

The housework is and always has been his job, too, as an adult who lives there.

So you're not going to throw him out as he's been nice now .

He's a cocklodging twunt.

Kick him out. Change the locks.

He is the archetypal cocklodger.

Change the WiFi password.. Give him time to pack his stuff... If my dh made comments about time I spent with my dc he would be out the door faster than he could say what time is tea....

So there is literally zero reason to stay with him?

@Aprilshowersandhail

Change the WiFi password.. Give him time to pack his stuff... If my dh made comments about time I spent with my dc he would be out the door faster than he could say what time is tea....

Yep. Not to mention all the rest. But then, I don't see allowing myself to be bullying by a cocklodging twunt of a man was 'confrontation'.

'It's over. I've had it carrying you. You find somewhere else to stay tonight and tell me when you can get the rest of your stuff. I will not have rows in front of my kids. You get threatening, I'll call the police. Out you get. The gravy train stops here.'

Sponging twat of a man.

Is he actually paying a lot of maintenace to his ex or is it a way to shaft you?

If he had his own place he would have to find a way to pay everything.

This is an out and out cocklodger situation. Get rid of him.

Oh my god. I can't believe what I'm reading. This man lives with you rent free, does nothing for you, does no housework and gets angry with you for spending time with your children or not cooking a second dinner for him at the time of his choosing? Please please please know that you are worth, you deserve, SO much more than this.

Sorry I know it’s so much more complex, but why are you making two dinners! That was my first thought. Your kids are not babies so surely it’s normal (and nice) to eat together?
And as for him dictating when dinner should be because of his gaming but not lifting a finger to help... I think you know what you need to do. You’ve given him a chance to step up and change but it hasn’t happened sadly.

Have my very first LTB. It is Sunday. He has time to pack & go home to mummy. Life will be less stressful without him & you will get far more sleep without his snoring.

Get the kids quietly in their rooms & tell him you need a quick chat. Be calm & firm.

I am not happy. This is not working. I want you to pack up your stuff & leave today. Anything you can't shift today can be collected next weekend. The bin bags are in X cupboard.

Then just walk away & make yourself a drink. He will no doubt try to sway you. Don't waiver. Keep repeating I want you to pack your stuff & leave. If he turns nasty call the police.

Good luck. You deserve far more than being treated like a shagging servant in your own house.

If you don't feel strong then please no that we are all here cheering you on!

We'll be here to talk to you

Know

This is not working for me anymore. You have to leave. I'm not changing my mind.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

so was home in time to do a lot of the housework when I went to ft that just didn't change. I did ask but as his job is physical and mine isn't he made it a tiredness competition and easier for me to avoid confrontation by just getting on with it.

The housework is and always has been his job, too, as an adult who lives there.

So you're not going to throw him out as he's been nice now .

He's a cocklodging twunt.

No, I am not being swayed by the being nice. It's all a way of brushing over it as he knows he is wrong and he hopes that by being nice he will get away with it.

He just asked if I wanted a cuddle. I said no and walked away.

I can't and don't want to live like this anymore. Bear with me, I am rubbish at confrontation but I know my chance will come today.

It's funny I have had more support from you all here than I have ever had from him. Maybe it took the surgery to feel so tired that all my coping strength went and I can actually see it for what it is.

I want to cry when I see how some of you would have been looked after after surgery, however minor. I would have been better on my own!

Please get rid.

You're basically putting your children second here. They're getting - a resentful shit of a man they're not even related to in their space, a tireder, more stressed mum, and a shitty example of their own mother putting herself last and running herself ragged for the little princely cuckoo in the nest who they see not contributing, taking for granted, basically giving them the perfect example of a shitty entitled man lording it.

I'm gobsmacked at the whole thing - the absolute, SOLID entitlement of this piece of shit... so his wife got rid (can see why!) - he simply lines up a second female mug, charms his way in, then sits back on his entitled arse in her home, fully expecting to be fed, cared for, subbed, supported... all in exchange for nothing. Oh and don't you dare spend your time with your own children and live your life the way you want to, now. You might actually own the house and this might actually be YOUR LIFE, but you just remember that now you've got Mr Big Balls sat on your sofa, your job is to entertain him.

Yes of course you would be happier without him, for one thing, it's got to be pretty fucking angry making looking at that lazy twat throwing his weight around making an utter fool of you, USING you in every way possible, and your kids watching it happen!

They aren't young for long.

Get rid of this absolute parasite and enjoy having your space back, your dignity back, your time with your kids back, and probably a lot more money in your pocket.

It is easy, you know.

You tell him you want him out and give him a week.

Don't care where he goes.
Don't care about his lack of cash.
Not your problem.

Have someone there if you think he might get arsey.

He has no right at all to be in your home.

If confrontation is really an issue, you tell him that you need space, and he is to go elsewhere for a few nights.

He will go, as he'll fear getting kicked out.

When he's out, you pack his stuff.

You let him back in to get it, with someone else there to support you.

'I've nowhere to go'
'Then maybe you shouldn't have bitten the hand that was feeding you. There are lots of local Airbnbs, suggest you get one and work out what to do next.'

He just asked if I wanted a cuddle. I said no and walked away*

Good. Stay strong OP

Your life will instantly be lifted by his leaving...