To not have expected to be judged as a widow?

[Hellomylove]

DH died almost 2 years ago.

Since then we’ve moved forward and things are going good for me and the DC.

What I didn’t expect is the seemingly constant judgement as a widow!!

I mentioned to a friend in passing that maybe one day I’d like a new partner but was in absolutely no rush. The look of horror on her face was a picture.

I changed jobs 3 months ago and was met with ‘oh should you be making a big decision like that nowadays?’ Was looking at moving across town to a new area with a nice new house build again ‘oh you want to leave your house? Should you be doing that?!’

I feel like everything I do is judged against my status as a widow!!! Am I expected to just stay in limbo forever?!

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you handle this?!

I think people are generally advised to wait at least a year before making any major decisions, so i expect they meant well, but you know what is best for you and your children

No, I can’t imagine my friends being like that. How many people are you meaning? Did the same person make both comments? Are they normally judgemental people?

Have to say I haven't experienced this.

I started online dating about a year after DH died and met now DP a few months later.

I haven't made any other major life changes though, same house same job etc.

Friends have been nothing but supportive.

Honestly people are very judgemental about women making decisions in general, you are probably noticing it more because of the loss of your husband. No one bats an eyelid at men making decisions and certainly don’t question them!

I think you may need to stop being so polite that they think they can comment, practice your ‘do not question me face’

Sorry for your loss OP

Everyone has an opinion but you don’t have to listen OP. It’s your life and you need to live it. The advice is coming from a good place I am sure. But do what is best for you & the children.

Of course you should be making decisions and moving forward. I wish you absolutely all the best in doing so and anyone who queries you improving your quality of life should be pulled up on it. You have your life to live and should be encouraged and supported in moving forward.

Ask them why not. Make them spell it out and then keep asking why. The why game is great for shutting up idiots. For others, who care bit just go bit overboard, it make them realise they don't know why and will quieten down after.
"Should you be doing it?"
"Why not?"
"Well, you know because like.."
"No, really, tell me why not"
"Because you are by yourself"
"Ok. Why does it mean I can't move?"
And keep going with the why. Sometimes people genuinely don't realise they just say something but then there is just no real reason behond it except just saying it, iyswim.

My mum is a widow and luckily she hasn't reported this, especially not after such a long time. Don't let others make your decisions for you by doubting you. You are your own person and capable

Good luck in the new job!

Yes definitely. About the new partner (though not even looking yet!) and the new house.
Lots of judgement from the start to be honest.
Usually starting with "if I was me...."
Either I'm doing too well, or not well enough.
I think there is still a lot of ingrained Victorian style thinking about young widows and what's acceptable.
Sad, alone yet capable and quietly holding it together = good.
Out having fun and living rest of your life = bad.
No idea how to stop it, except the realisation that you only get one life, so live it without endorsement from other people.

But you're definitely not alone!

I’m not a widow but I’d like to say good for you!

I’m sure your DH would have wanted you to be happy and you should be proud of yourself for taking positive steps in that direction. People shouldn’t judge ... just because you’ve made changes doesn’t mean you’ve found it easy and doesn’t disrespect your DH’s memory. Being a widow doesn’t mean wallowing in sadness and self-pity for the rest of your life. You’ve done your grieving and now is the time to enjoy the memories and look to the future.
I’m glad things are going well for you and your DC, long may it continue

Some people put others into boxes and are shocked if they won't stay in them. I did find a certain number of people who had attitudes towards my choices. I don't think that they had got used to me being single and fully independent. You are out of the difficult first year, so there shouldn't be concerns around you making decisions. Unless your children are confiding that they aren't ready to move.

There was a segment on ITV a couple of years ago and they had done some kind of survey and a huge percentage (something like 20%) of people felt that people should never have another relationship after a bereavement.

I think that in some situations people will judge e.g. i know someone who lost their partner two years ago, they had a new partner staying over with the kids less than three months later, and they’ve now sold the house, uprooted the kids and are moving in with said other partner less than two years after the kids’ other parent died. I’ll be honest, I judge them for that, although I wouldn’t ever have said it to them.

But it seems weird to me that people somehow think that if you have a partner you are forever linked even if that partner dies, and that somehow you shouldn’t be expected to move forward alone, never mind that that partner is no longer there so who are you affecting really?

It sounds like you are coping really well with your loss. My closest friend died suddenly at the end of last year and her Dh sold the house and moved to a new area in January and bought two new sports cars. He likes to have a project and is renovating the house and garden. He seems to be coping well.

I’ve had a friend widowed young say similar. I think she concluded it came down to people having put her in the Tragic and Bravely Struggling box in their heads, and therefore not being able to cope when she also did things that put her in the Doing Quite Nicely For Herself and Making Hard-Headed Career Decisions ones too.

I think she thought some of them were secretly offended she had the bandwidth to do anything other than grieve and parent.

I think they need reminding that everyone deals with trauma/loss differently. But i agree with another poster that it’s from love/or concern. They must feel so much love and care for you and your little ones. But I think they need to be reminded that it’s good that life carries on and for to have new and exciting things to look forward to in your future.. whenever that is. As it’s personal to you. It’s your journey x

Suppose it can be viewed as judgy or overly caring concern depending who it's coming from

It should also be remembered that, as can be seen on here, that quite a few marriages are not particularly happy ones and therefore the widow may be shocked and upset but not necessarily devastated.

@Wabe

I’ve had a friend widowed young say similar. I think she concluded it came down to people having put her in the Tragic and Bravely Struggling box in their heads, and therefore not being able to cope when she also did things that put her in the Doing Quite Nicely For Herself and Making Hard-Headed Career Decisions ones too.

I think she thought some of them were secretly offended she had the bandwidth to do anything other than grieve and parent.

@Wabe

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here. It’s a lot of head tilts and poor you. Which yes, while an awful situation to have gone through after 2 years I just want to be moving forward and not be patronised if I’m honest.

@Chamomileteaplease
Yes I’d imagine for people in a relationship or marriage that was struggling or abusive it can be a shock and awful for the family but perhaps also a relief?

Friend’s SIL died a couple of years ago after a fairly long illness. Her brother confessed to her recently that the marriage had pretty much ended before she died but that because of her illness they had stayed together and he had been with her until the end, and that while of course he was upset at her death, and especially so for their children, for him, they hadn’t been married for a while by then.

Of course a man left widowed with young children would be encouraged to “get back out there” and to move on.

No one would question them changing jobs.

The double standards are frustrating.

@OnlyInYourDreams

There was a segment on ITV a couple of years ago and they had done some kind of survey and a huge percentage (something like 20%) of people felt that people should never have another relationship after a bereavement.

I think that in some situations people will judge e.g. i know someone who lost their partner two years ago, they had a new partner staying over with the kids less than three months later, and they’ve now sold the house, uprooted the kids and are moving in with said other partner less than two years after the kids’ other parent died. I’ll be honest, I judge them for that, although I wouldn’t ever have said it to them.

But it seems weird to me that people somehow think that if you have a partner you are forever linked even if that partner dies, and that somehow you shouldn’t be expected to move forward alone, never mind that that partner is no longer there so who are you affecting really?

My Google-fu has failed me and I can’t find a link to the survey but I remember it as being a very small percentage of people who said that bereaved spouses should never move on which the programme ingeniously spun into ONE MILLION BRITONS THINK THAT WIDOWS SHOULD REMAIN SINGLE FOREVER!

That’s really hard.

I don’t think for a moment it’s about widows remaining single forever but I do think that in their grief having lost a spouse some bereaved husbands and wives forget their children have lost a mum or dad. I’m not saying this applies to the OP - please don’t flame me! But I do think it happens.

@OnlyInYourDreams

Friend’s SIL died a couple of years ago after a fairly long illness. Her brother confessed to her recently that the marriage had pretty much ended before she died but that because of her illness they had stayed together and he had been with her until the end, and that while of course he was upset at her death, and especially so for their children, for him, they hadn’t been married for a while by then.

I think this is very true for a lot of people who have been through the situation and is completely understandable. The strain of a long and terminal illness on a relationship is huge especially if it results in long hospital stays.

@Aliceandthemarchhare

That’s really hard.

I don’t think for a moment it’s about widows remaining single forever but I do think that in their grief having lost a spouse some bereaved husbands and wives forget their children have lost a mum or dad. I’m not saying this applies to the OP - please don’t flame me! But I do think it happens.

But at some point you have to move forward and encourage your children to do the same. I do think a lot depends on how a new partner is introduced into the kids lives though.

Sorry for your loss.

If these people are good friends, they are hopefully just trying to look out for you. If they’re just acquaintances, then just ignore, people always have something to say about everything.

Moving forward doesn’t have to mean a new partner, though, and if it does it doesn’t mean things need to move quickly. Like I say this honestly isn’t aimed at you op I obviously don’t want to be cruel or insensitive with my words.

But I do remember how immensely painful it was when I lost my mum and it felt as if my dad met and moved in with another woman before I’d really processed she’d gone.

I think divorced parents can do exactly the same thing. I’m not being selective here - but I think when children have lost a mum or dad they naturally feel very close to the remaining parent and then when the focus is off them and in a new partner that’s hard.

Absolutely you shouldn’t be expected to stay single forever. It’s hard to say isn’t it? But personally I think two years is a bit short.