To not have expected to be judged as a widow?

[Hellomylove]

DH died almost 2 years ago.

Since then we’ve moved forward and things are going good for me and the DC.

What I didn’t expect is the seemingly constant judgement as a widow!!

I mentioned to a friend in passing that maybe one day I’d like a new partner but was in absolutely no rush. The look of horror on her face was a picture.

I changed jobs 3 months ago and was met with ‘oh should you be making a big decision like that nowadays?’ Was looking at moving across town to a new area with a nice new house build again ‘oh you want to leave your house? Should you be doing that?!’

I feel like everything I do is judged against my status as a widow!!! Am I expected to just stay in limbo forever?!

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you handle this?!

An ex friend of mine was a nurse (let’s call her Jane), in a hospital which dealt with patients who needed long term care. Jane nursed one woman, whose husband visited regularly. Patient had Pakinsons disease and husband couldn’t manage to take his dw out by himself, so Jane ended up helping him take her out when unit was quiet enough. Pretty soon Jane was helping him when she was off duty. I did say to her that I didn’t think it was appropriate, but she ignored me.

Patient’s husband moved in with Jane a few weeks later, but they didn’t tell his wife. I’m pretty sure she knew as she started refusing to have days out with them. His family were furious when they found out and still don’t talk to him. They married the month after patient died! I did report her (that’s why she’s an ex friend), as I thought the relationship broke the Nursing Code of Conduct, but she was only given a 6 month suspension, which was put on hold for a year, so really wasn’t punished at all.

@cloudyview how is this story relevant?

Unfortunately people project how they think they would feel onto others. I know advice is to wait for at least a year before making major changes to avoid knee jerk reactions you later regret but you seem very comfortable with what you are deciding. I would suggest thanking people for their concern but you have thought carefully and this is right for you and your family. They do mean well if misplaced. Best wishes with your future, you deserve happiness.

Cloudyview I don't know what you mean by that post? Is it that you mean that widows require guidance because of examples like this where they can't be trusted to know their own mind? Or something else?

For me it was a good idea to wait a year, although some big decisions still had to be made out of necessity. Looking back it worked for me, but equally not waiting that time has worked out ok for for others too. Really it's down to the individual to decide for themselves. Not for others to decide for them.

@Chamomileteaplease

Exactly what happened to my friend. Her dh had a heart attack 2 weeks after she had seen a divorce lawyer (before any paperwork was started and before they had told anyone, they were sleeping in separate rooms) and she was meant to be the grieving widow yet actually she was financially independent due to substantial life assurance. She couldn't admit this for years and only a handful of people know. Obviously was a shock and sad for her kids.

Absolutely you shouldn’t be expected to stay single forever. It’s hard to say isn’t it? But personally I think two years is a bit short. given you haven’t been widowed though it’s impossible for you to say that isn’t it?

Unless you were still in your formative years at the time of your father’s death, I think that moving on is something which is for your mum to do for herself, not for her adult children.

Losing a parent is the natural order of life. unless you’re having another partner move into your home within a matter of months it really is none of your (I mean you as in one in general) business how soon your other parent moves on.

she was meant to be the grieving widow yet actually she was financially independent due to substantial life assurance

Nasty. You don't think she was grieving because she had planned for a divorce? Feelings don't just switch off like that. Life insurance is a thing that others seem to get quite unpleasant about as well though.

I’m sorry for your loss OP.
You’re right, people love to judge and it’s none of their business

I think women without men are judged. For years I was used as a yardstick because I was a single parent. No one was happy for me in my short lived relationships, people were quick to judge that it was my fault/problem when they ended. The assumption was that I was less than and they could take the piss. People like to see people as "other", to make themselves feel better.

I've experienced some of it. The most galling comments to me though are from people who tell me that DH wouldn't want me to do such and such (like being on my own) - I was his wife for 20 years, but my decisions are my own and if I want to stay single its no reflection of his wishes from beyond the grave. I won't disappoint a dead man by not dating again, the same as I wouldn't disappoint him if I did date again. He's not here any more. I am devastated and there are many times when I feel life is shit and I can't make a bloody decision at all, but when I do make one you can be damn sure I have considered it enough and thought everything through, consulting those who will be directly affected (usually just me).

Wow I didn't realise I had so much rage about it but I also hate the fact that all my insurance quotes have gone up since changing my marital status to widowed. What's that all about? I'm still the same person with the same capability that I was 2 years ago, just with added broken heart, don't financially penalise me too!

Nasty. You don't think she was grieving because she had planned for a divorce? Feelings don't just switch off like that. Life insurance is a thing that others seem to get quite unpleasant about as well though. I suspect that what she means is that people didn’t know the marriage was over and they were going through a divorce, so will have assumed she was the devastated widow who had lost her life partner so sudddenly, whereas actually she was in the process of getting divorced and the relationship had changed without anyone else’s knowledge.

And as the divorce hadn’t been finalised at that point she still got the insurance payout, which meant she actually was able to move forward with her life and be financially independent.

Let’s face it, she was about to move on anyway. Unfortunately it just didn’t turn out quite as she had thought.

@Erkrie I completely agree with @VienneseWhirligig. I suspect that it happens a lot more than people realise if I’m honest.

Sorry @VienneseWhirligigi meant to tag @OnlyInYourDreams

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with these attitudes, OP, on top of your loss.

What happened to your DH is incredibly sad, but people need to realise that your life did not end with his. You are entitled to be happy and to have hopes and dreams for the future.

I think people might be worried that if you make big changes while in the depths of grief and change your mind later, then you can't always undo those changes. Moving house for example is particularly emotive because it was the marital home. I probably wouldn't move, especially if I had children who might be upset by it. But only you can really know if whatever you choose is right for your family. I don't think it's wrong for people who love you to check that you are certain - they are just trying to spare you from regret. Better for them to be too caring then not caring enough.
I also think that it's very hard for ILs to see a widow/widower moving on with a new relationship, so I wouldn't judge them for not feeling able to be supportive of it.

They mean well but till a partner has died they just don’t know how they will react

They do say not to make ant life changing decisions in the first year like moving home or Job

But people nee to relieve life goes on

Dh died just over 10yrs ago. Killed his self

I met my new parter 9mths later

Wasn’t looking. Just happened

Been Together 9yrs meant to have got married last year but obv COVID stopped that

3rd time lucky in July

Point I’m making is that they died, we didn’t

Our lives go on

But people will judge sadly x

[quote minniemomo]@Chamomileteaplease

Exactly what happened to my friend. Her dh had a heart attack 2 weeks after she had seen a divorce lawyer (before any paperwork was started and before they had told anyone, they were sleeping in separate rooms) and she was meant to be the grieving widow yet actually she was financially independent due to substantial life assurance. She couldn't admit this for years and only a handful of people know. Obviously was a shock and sad for her kids.[/quote]
That doesn’t mean it was easier.

A friend of DH’s is in that position and carries a lot of guilt that his wife’s last few months were unhappy and difficult. He’s also never been able to freely discuss any of the problems that they and he had because he’d been horrendously judged, and mutual friends or family would be very upset to hear anything negative said.

It put him in a very strange position when he met someone new because how do you word any of that without sounding horrific to a new person?

And as the divorce hadn’t been finalised at that point she still got the insurance payout, which meant she actually was able to move forward with her life and be financially independent.

Life insurance is something people pay into. It's not a free gift. And if they had kids then even if they had split up, technically the dp would have needed to pay for his children. There's no second income with widowhood. No one to split child care fees / holiday leave entitlement with. No one who has the kids best interests at heart in the same way. And not everyone who splits up actually hates eachother. It's still the loss of a partner of many years, and possibly a father to children. Without a doubt someone in this situation would have complicated grief around the situation.

I'm a widow. I've stopped reading people's opinions on threads like this because they make me so angry. Until someone is in this position they have NO IDEA how they'd react or what they would do. I remember before DH died I told him that if anything ever happened to him I wouldn't ever date anyone again, I'd rather be alone than with someone other than him. Thankfully he laughed at me and told me not to be so silly and to find someone else as soon as possible if he did die! He died 6 months ago and I'm very tentatively starting to think about dating (although I'm not ready for anything beyond the odd dinner etc). And anyone who judges me can fuck off, quite frankly.

I might silently worry for someone who had recently lost a spouse, if they were suddenly making what seemed to be drastic choices, especially choices that could cost them money or make life more difficult for them, but after two years, you've had a chance to recover from any initial shock. I'd assume you know what you want. Nothing you've mentioned sounds that strange, anyway. People shouldn't be judging your choices any differently because you're a widow.

My friend's husband died in her 20s. We all got married about the same time and were in our 20s, and within a year of their wedding he was dead.

I tried my best to support her at the time but in all honesty she was strong and dignified and my attempts to support her were cack-handed at best. I was shocked when she moved away for a new job, met someone new and had a baby but I realise that was about me and my own inability to comprehend her circumstances and feelings. I couldn't get my head around her being with someone else when all I'd ever known was her and her DH, it felt so unfair that he had died and I was still getting used to that. It needled at my own worst fears about my own life.

Thankfully she has come back into my life and I am older and more worldy-wise and hopefully able to be a good and loving friend to her in whatever way she needs. I am inspired by how she has lived her life since her DH died.

I was widowed young. I was 40. I said never again but then I started to think hang on in too young to be on my own for the rest of my life. Met new partner a few years. Head was a bit all over the place at first but new partner very understanding and never once put me under any pressure. Married now. Very happy. I never once felt judged by anyone. Before I met him I did have a couple of family and friends ask if I might meet someone else but I just saw that as concern.

Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel.
I bought a new bigger house within 6 months, got a dog and then moved area within 2 years

Do what feels right for you and your family
No-one should just, no-one knows what your grief feels like.

I've been widowed twice. First time at 44, second at 63. There were some differences in attitude, mainly driven by my having acquired a 'respectable' age to be widowed second time around, but I still had the 'benefit' of people's stereotypical ideas of widowhood. As others have said, people seem to think a woman on her own will be a grateful recipient of their opinion on almost anything. We are not! It's your own business.