Page 4 | To not have expected to be judged as a widow?

OwlBeThere · 02/05/2021 17:48

I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m not widowed but honestly I think it’s a ‘woman doing things on her own’ thing a lot of the time. I took my children camping a couple of months after I left my husband. Only for a couple of days but people carried on like I was trekking the Andes with only a feral cat for company.
When I took them abroad it was even worse.

Mummyyyyyyyyyy · 02/05/2021 18:08

I think some people just don't like to see women making changes to their lives without checking with a man.

Some may be genuinely concerned that you are not doing anything rash (but 2 years isn't rash).

I have noticed that people often treat bereaved fathers very differently. I remember a man I worked with lost his wife & they had young children. Many people (women) in the office kept saying he needed to find a new wife for the sake of the children. He found that upsetting in so many ways.

You are in control of your & dc future. I wish you all the best for the future. 🤗

Roxy69 · 02/05/2021 18:11

You carry on, do as you wish. I think it's just people being nervous for you but not realising it makes them look daft and fearful. I was told a week ago I was 'too old ' for my next move. I am still replaying that in my head. Can't get rid of the thought somehow. It's very unnerving. Life is for moving forward and every day is a gift.

Hertsgirl10 · 02/05/2021 18:13

You only have 1 life. Live it how you want to! Nobody can judge you or give you advice on things that will not affect them..!

You’re doing great and it’s you and your child that have had to get through this, you can both live how you want.

godmum56 · 02/05/2021 18:25

@Hellomylove

DH died almost 2 years ago.

Since then we’ve moved forward and things are going good for me and the DC.

What I didn’t expect is the seemingly constant judgement as a widow!!

I mentioned to a friend in passing that maybe one day I’d like a new partner but was in absolutely no rush. The look of horror on her face was a picture.

I changed jobs 3 months ago and was met with ‘oh should you be making a big decision like that nowadays?’ Was looking at moving across town to a new area with a nice new house build again ‘oh you want to leave your house? Should you be doing that?!’

I feel like everything I do is judged against my status as a widow!!! Am I expected to just stay in limbo forever?!

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you handle this?!

I said various versions of fuck off its not your business.

snailmum · 02/05/2021 18:27

I lost my first husband when I was 24 to cancer. I never thought I would ever be able to move on. I had to move back home as my wages no where near covered the rent on our flat. Ten months after the loss of my husband I went out for a drink with an old school friend, her partner and his friend. The friend has now been my second husband for 25 years this month. He helped me to come to terms with my loss. You will never forget your loss but just learn to live with it. People crossed the road to avoid talking to me which was hard but I am stronger for it.

junebirthdaygirl · 02/05/2021 18:33

Have two friends who were widowed..one at 32 with very small children . The other at 45 with teens. The first has up and rented their home and is heading abroad to work for 2 years. Her family are very supportive. The other sold her home, built a beautiful new one in a different locality and her older teens were delighted.
Do whatever you want. You are well able to make your decisions. Best wishes!

Orgasmagorical · 02/05/2021 18:35

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here. It’s a lot of head tilts and poor you. Which yes, while an awful situation to have gone through after 2 years I just want to be moving forward and not be patronised if I’m honest.

That's why I tend not to tell people my child died, I want to be seen as me, not as poor Orgasm.

I really should change my name

saraclara · 02/05/2021 18:44

I've had the opposite, to be honest. My friends keep pestering me to date, which I have absolutely no interest in doing. I was in my mid 50s when my DH died though.

The only classic downside I've suffered is the disappearance of many friends that we saw as a couple. To be fair, the ones who've faded are a bunch of friends who live a distance away, so it's always taken some effort on all our sides to arrange things. In the first year or so they were great, inviting me up there to stay etc. But then I got forgotten. I'd see the birthday parties that we'd normally have been invited to, pictured on FB, and other get-togethers of the same group that I would normally have been part of, happened without me.

RosaLuxemburgwasright · 02/05/2021 18:44

This is an interesting read for me as one of my best friends was widowed in February. So far, she's not getting too much "advice" but I want to be sure that I support her without an ounce of judgement at all times. Her husband was also a very close friend and I miss him a lot although obviously, my missing is very much less than hers and very secondary to her loss.

The thing she's having to deal with at the moment which is really fucking icky is a couple of weirdo window wankers - as she calls them - male friends who are stealth moving in on her. I saw this when I was a kid when my mum was widowed at a very young age. It's Creepy and just so wrong. I guess they have the lovely idea that a woman who has been married/with a partner for any period of time, can't possibly manage on her own and will be up for the next bloke who manages to get to her while she's vulnerable. God knows. It's horrible.

@Hellomylove, people judge women and people really judge women who aren't with men because somehow we are public property because good god people do like to judge rather than minding their own business. If it all gets too much tell them to back off. Your life, to live how you see fit and no one knows how you feel except you.

beautifullybonkers · 02/05/2021 18:49

I was widowed 8 years ago at the age of 42. I have to say my experience has been the exact opposite and at times comments have hugely upset me and made me question the way I am moving forward. A year after my husband’s death which was sudden and without warning, friends and colleagues kept telling me I should be dating, that I was too young to be giving up on life and putting myself on the shelf, he wouldn’t want me to be on my own, that I need to put myself back in the picture and have a life more than the children. This has continued on and off over the years with me replying that if it happened it happened but I wasn’t ready to go out looking and definitely wasn’t interested in online dating and dating strangers. My main focus was and has continued to be getting my children through this the best I possibly could. The “he wouldn’t want” comment in particular felt like a guilt trip and how would they know what he’d want anyway.

8 years on I am about to move back “home” to an area I haven’t lived in for 15 years, and the comments are ranging from am I sure, be sure you’re not running away as memories will still be there, what will I do about friends, I’m sure you’ll finally find that special someone. I want to scream that I don’t need that special someone that I am quite enough being me, I’m capable of raising 3 children alone, single handed through the darkest and most difficult time of my life - have they achieved that? I don’t question their life choices, I believe they are capable, why does me being a widow mean I’m not and need a man beside me. I don’t say it though, I just smile and scream internally instead. I’ve bitten my tongue so many times since I became widow that I’m amazed I have a tongue left.

Make your own choices, live your life the way you choose, love if it makes you happy and remember you are capable and until they have walked in your shoes they have no idea and can’t even imagine what it’s like.

EL8888 · 02/05/2021 18:50

I could understand it is these were quick knee jerk reactions but it was 2 years ago (lm not undermining that you will still be grieving by the way). But yes women do seem to get judged and second guessed a lot, especially with big life decisions

Sorry for your loss

Erkrie · 02/05/2021 18:54

weirdo window wankers - as she calls them - male friends who are stealth moving in on her

That happened to me. I'd forgotten about that. Just weeks after. It was repulsive. Get your friend to join way if she hasn't already.

figuresomethingout · 02/05/2021 19:05

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Someone very close to me was widowed. I can empathise to a small extent because I did notice exactly what you're describing.

I had to hold my tongue at times when my relative wanted to move on. It was a mixture of personal pain and over protectiveness. Your moving on is a reminder that things aren't going to be the same, ever.

They had to push back against caring friends and family who, as much as they wanted the person to be happy, also personally struggled with the idea of further change. They didn't realise what they were doing but I understood, as an involved bystander.

When it's not you who has to go on, it's hard to remember that the bereaved person is entitled to create a completely new life that isn't defined by this past event. It's hard to get one's head around and easy to spot potential pitfalls on their behalf. You want them to just be safe now, even if that means remaining in an eternal holding position. It's infantalising and must be frustrating.

It also works to a different time scale for you versus them. You're dealing with the situation all the time and they're dipping in and out of it. In a way, you're pushing through the process faster because it's more intense and a matter of survival. They can afford to take their time.

It shouldn't be the case, but it's necessary for you to do what's best for you and demonstrate that you can and will decide what that is. If they truly care, they will be reassured when they see you being happy and autonomous.

Foodisascience · 02/05/2021 19:53

My sister was widowed 5 years ago, her dc had left home by then though. She spent a year remodelling her house after six months of not feeling motivated to do anything at all. She then met a man at a hobby group, she just wanted to be friends only but over time some love grew and they ended up as a couple almost two years after her DH died.

At no time did I think I could offer any advice as so I just listened and if she asked for advice I gave her some.

Snugglepumpkin · 02/05/2021 19:57

I was widowed at 19.
I'm now over 50 & some people STILL think I should be wearing black & maintaining a shrine to a man who died decades ago.

People are weird.

Mulhollandmagoo · 02/05/2021 19:59

There's something about British culture that makes us really awkward in situations like this And we start blurting out stock phrases - which unknowingly can sometimes be quite offensive or inappropriate. Really sorry you have people in your life that aren't being supportive of you moving on, you know more than most how short life can be so we should do whatever it is that makes us truly happy.

I haven't experienced your situation myself but my advice would be not to be afraid of challenging these opinions, as a pp said ask them why? Maybe they think there helping

Candleabra · 02/05/2021 20:13

It also works to a different time scale for you versus them. You're dealing with the situation all the time and they're dipping in and out of it. In a way, you're pushing through the process faster because it's more intense and a matter of survival. They can afford to take their time.

The whole of this post was very thoughtful. This is exactly the problem I've had. I have to live with being a widow day in day out. It's why I get frustrated with friends who just want to cry all over me and say how much they miss my husband when we occasionally meet up. I know! I miss him too. But they get to go home to their partners and families.
Someone said to me in the early days: "you make me want to hold my family tight" It upset me so much, and no-one - noone - from our circle of friends could understand why. They thought the other person was being lovely.

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/05/2021 20:35

And Losing a day to day life partner /spouse is so diff from
Someone losing a friend sibling nephew

The only one who may get it is the parents if alive.

I’ve always said a parent shouldn’t have to bury their child

Everyone else , it’s someone who is in their life but not daily

I was 37 when widowed No children - been worn dh for 19yrs

I’m now 47 with a 4yr and fiance - husband hopefully if covid doesn’t fuck it up for the 3rd time

I’ve have friends who are divorcee , dumped - was fine for them to look for a new man 4/6mths after

Def not so good for me to Do the same 9mths on

clareykb · 02/05/2021 20:55

Not a widow but I am a bereaved mother and I am now a peer supporter for other bereaved parents. I think that luckily being a young widow or a losing a DC are things people don't expect to experience so they often had fixed ideas about how they would cope and what the right thing to do is. However everyone is different and only you know what is best for you. I had lots of people say daft things after I lost my sons and when I had subsequent children and I did the 'why?' thing mentioned up thread which I think made people realise that they were being a bit judgey.

Icantrememebrtheartist · 02/05/2021 20:59

My friend was widowed after her DH lost his two year battle with cancer. She was 46. Within three months she’d met someone new and was married within a year.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/05/2021 21:14

"I did report her (that’s why she’s an ex friend),"

Nasty.

Maisiecow · 02/05/2021 21:26

‘Before you judge walk in my shoes, as only then will you have the facts on which to base your judgement.’

GerryManderson · 02/05/2021 21:26

I haven't been widowed, so can't relate directly, but when my Mum died of cancer when I was 27, I can remember people being hugely judgmental at times. I even got a telling off from Mum's best friend for sounding "too cheerful" when I answered the phone to her three months after Mum died. In fact I was in tears constantly and just about at the end of my rope. People have no idea but just assume. It's terribly hurtful. I know it may feel impossible but I would let people's comments go right over your head. Only you can make the best decisions for your family. It's nobody's business but yours. Remember they are trying to be kind and don't know they are hurting you. Good luck.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 02/05/2021 21:27

@Gwenhwyfar

"I did report her (that’s why she’s an ex friend),"

Nasty.

I don't think it's nasty in this case tbh. Her first though should have been the patient who it obviously affected. As a professional she should know better and wait. Love can be found at any place, any time, but some decency and empathy towards the patient is needed there. Obviously someone agreed since she got suspended even though it was just for a short time.