To not have expected to be judged as a widow?

[Hellomylove]

DH died almost 2 years ago.

Since then we’ve moved forward and things are going good for me and the DC.

What I didn’t expect is the seemingly constant judgement as a widow!!

I mentioned to a friend in passing that maybe one day I’d like a new partner but was in absolutely no rush. The look of horror on her face was a picture.

I changed jobs 3 months ago and was met with ‘oh should you be making a big decision like that nowadays?’ Was looking at moving across town to a new area with a nice new house build again ‘oh you want to leave your house? Should you be doing that?!’

I feel like everything I do is judged against my status as a widow!!! Am I expected to just stay in limbo forever?!

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you handle this?!

"Obviously someone agreed since she got suspended even though it was just for a short time."

I presume she was suspended because of a relationship with a patient's husband rather than because of the adultery though.

@Gwenhwyfar

"Obviously someone agreed since she got suspended even though it was just for a short time."

I presume she was suspended because of a relationship with a patient's husband rather than because of the adultery though.

Well yeah.

There are no rule books in the modern world for bereavement, so people make it up. Sometimes when they judge you, it's about them and their needs, and they are not really considering you at all. It's about what makes them comfortable. For some, too, your change unsettles them, because of implication for them, or perhaps for their self perception.

Widowhood is different for every widow, and nobody can dictate your time scale or reactions, OP. You need to go at the pace that is right for you.
My DH died suddenly of a brain haemorrhage the day before my 36th birthday, leaving me with two babies to raise alone.
That was 30 years ago. I never remarried, and love and miss him still. He was my soulmate, and irreplaceable. I hope that God will reunite us when I die.
But that doesn’t mean I judge other widows who are able to move on and remarry.
If you are able to transfer your affections to someone else, then by all means seek happiness with a replacement partner. And don’t let other people put you off. It is your life, not theirs.

@Babdoc I know you didn't mean it that way (having spoken with you previously) but I just wanted to clarify for those who aren't widows that for me, if I were to meet somebody else, I wouldn't be "transferring my affections" - I will always love my late DH and any new partner would be in addition, not as a replacement. Rather like having a second child. to you and your lovely DH. You have done him proud and I have no doubt you will be reunited.

I wouldn't be "transferring my affections" - I will always love my late DH and any new partner would be in addition, not as a replacement.

Yes I agree with this.

Babdoc

'Weird widow wankers'..;-)
SO true.. two neighbours and most tradesmen who came to my house. Although there was one, short, balding, tubby electrician who checked a lamp in my bedroom at my request & literally RAN back out.. ;-)
I can see the funny side now.. at the time I didn't know whether to laugh or nut him.. these guys who flatter themselves..
#shakeshead

The neighbour who said he 'knew how I felt' (being widowed) because his cat died.. (you couldn't make it up.)
All I say to bereaved people now is that I am very sorry for their loss. It can't be misinterpreted.

It's up to the individual whether they date again, I expect fate has a hand in it too. I've never been bothered, no-one was fit to lick DH's boots. I'm quite capable of bringing kids up, renovating houses etc alone. My mum, on the other hand, couldn't find someone else quick enough when we lost Dad, and has constantly put him before my sister & I.
So to the person who posted about it being harsh sometimes for children, you're right. And my sister & I were adults!

transfer affections

This I find insulting

I’ve always described meeting my now Df as like having children

You love your first born with a passion / when no 2 comes along you still love no 1 , you don’t love no 2 any more , or no 1 and less. You just love them

I think I am very lucky to have found two wonderful men who I love , many woman don’t even find love with one man in their lifetime

@Hellomylove

DH died almost 2 years ago.

Since then we’ve moved forward and things are going good for me and the DC.

What I didn’t expect is the seemingly constant judgement as a widow!!

I mentioned to a friend in passing that maybe one day I’d like a new partner but was in absolutely no rush. The look of horror on her face was a picture.

I changed jobs 3 months ago and was met with ‘oh should you be making a big decision like that nowadays?’ Was looking at moving across town to a new area with a nice new house build again ‘oh you want to leave your house? Should you be doing that?!’

I feel like everything I do is judged against my status as a widow!!! Am I expected to just stay in limbo forever?!

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you handle this?!

Oh Jeus! I don't think we can win! I've had the opposite issue. I was widowed 3 years ago when I was 56.

David is my 2nd husband, soulmate, best friend and the dad he didn't have to be to our four who are now adults, happily married, children etc or single and getting on with their lives.

I've had opposite comments. One within a week of my husband passing. I think I would have slapped the person but for she age of 80, however I put her in her place. Two other people who slyly put in about meeting someone new and a male a year later who decided I must need "it"

Needless to say the male both known to my late husband and I for years, was thrown out of our home and told not to come it again. He is the partner of a friend too.

For me personally I will not be having or looking for a new any type of "relationship" I am.perfectly OK physically on my own. I have a rich rewarding life. It took me 40 years to meet my 2nd husband and no one can replace him

For me I'm still married: we live a spiritual life and my husband is part still of our everyday life in so many ways, too long to go into.

Death ended my husband life. It didn't end our marriage. I have had to learn how to have a relationship based in spirit and earth entwined.

I'm telling you all this cos people will judge and think they know better whatever you do.

I've also a widowed friend who has had your problem. I'm posting to say "Take heart! its your life and you don't need anyone else's opinions to validate you"

Good luck and ignore them. Here's a few suggestions for responses:

1/ I'll decide for me what is right

2/ When you pay my bills you can have a say in my life

3/ My personal favourite is "Don't judge me until you walked a mile in my shoes:;

After the death of my father his (younger) wife met someone within 3 months.
She had nursed my father for a few years, they had a happy (childless) marriage.
I was happy for her.
I have no idea how her friends felt, tbh I don't remember her having girlfriends.
I met the new man, he was lovely.
The only people's opinion you need to concern yourself with are your children's.
If they are happy with the changes then move on with a spring in your step.
It doesn't mean you've forgotten your late husband....

When I used the phrase “transfer your affections”, I wasn’t being judgmental.
For me, DH was my soulmate and the love of my life. A new replacement partner could only be a “second best” - a substitute for DH - I would be unable to love anyone else as much as him. It would have been unfair to any man to do that to them. Hence my remaining single for 30 years.
It’s interesting that some of you are able to love husbands in the same way as children - that you feel you can love a second as much as a first.
I love my DC, but with a different kind of love. A child cannot be your “other half”, your partner, your soulmate, your lover, your life support system, and your best friend. My DH was all those and more. Irreplaceable.
I knew two other widows who felt the same - one of whom was rereading her DH’s love letters just before she died, aged 93, after more than 50 years of widowhood. That was DH’s grandmother - perhaps the men in his family are particularly wonderful?!
His parents were still deeply in love after 60 years together too, and MIL was lucky to only spend 8 years as a widow before rejoining him.
But we are all different. Many people do seem to be able to remarry and make a success of it, and I wish them every happiness. Take things at your own pace, and as with divorce, don’t rush into rebound relationships. To find two loving partners in a lifetime is a great blessing - treasure it.

I don't think for a moment you were being judgemental babdoc. But I haven't transferred my feelings. Nor do I see dp as a replacement. He's someone who shares our lives with us now. I love my first dh and I love my second dp. I don't love him like I love my children, that's a different love altogether. The similarly is that my heart expanded to find love for him, just like it does with a second child. You don't stop loving the first child when you have a second, the heart simply grows. It's simply an example to explain to you how it's possible to love more than once. Like you, I didn't want to meet anyone else either. But I am very glad that I did.

@Babdoc

When I used the phrase “transfer your affections”, I wasn’t being judgmental. For me, DH was my soulmate and the love of my life. A new replacement partner could only be a “second best” - a substitute for DH - I would be unable to love anyone else as much as him. It would have been unfair to any man to do that to them. Hence my remaining single for 30 years. It’s interesting that some of you are able to love husbands in the same way as children - that you feel you can love a second as much as a first. I love my DC, but with a different kind of love. A child cannot be your “other half”, your partner, your soulmate, your lover, your life support system, and your best friend. My DH was all those and more. Irreplaceable. I knew two other widows who felt the same - one of whom was rereading her DH’s love letters just before she died, aged 93, after more than 50 years of widowhood. That was DH’s grandmother - perhaps the men in his family are particularly wonderful?! His parents were still deeply in love after 60 years together too, and MIL was lucky to only spend 8 years as a widow before rejoining him. But we are all different. Many people do seem to be able to remarry and make a success of it, and I wish them every happiness. Take things at your own pace, and as with divorce, don’t rush into rebound relationships. To find two loving partners in a lifetime is a great blessing - treasure it.

I think this post is also judgemental. It implies that widows who remarry or find another happy relationship didn’t have an ‘irreplaceable soulmate/love of their life’ relationship with their first spouse.

So sorry for your loss but its your life Make that move change jobs make new friends and go out and live your life at some stage your DC will be gone off living their own lives its your life nobody else is going to live it for you

@Babdoc comes from a totally different place to many of us though, as she is very religious and believes she'll be reunited with her DH.

As an atheist I am certain I will never see my DH again, so moving on was simpler for me.

We're all different, all widows find their own way and the non widows can jog on with their opinions. I buried my husband with a 37 week pregnant belly, no one is entitled to a view on a my life.

Good luck Op and all widows on this thread,

My mum thought I should wear black for a year after my husband passed, so she was not happy when I met a new man 6 weeks later..
Not that I have to justify myself but I'd spent 18 months watching my husband slowly dying from cancer and when he passed i found out the man who was my world had lied and cheated on me.
That was the moment I decided that I would do what made me happy instead of putting everyone else first like I usually did.

True Ludoole. Often the process of grief starts many months or even years before someone dies.

When I said love like children I meant that your heart grows to love another

You don’t stop loving your first born when have a second child

Obv love for my daughter is different from the love I had for dh and the love I have for df

[quote WaterBottle123]**@Babdoc comes from a totally different place to many of us though, as she is very religious and believes she'll be reunited with her DH.

As an atheist I am certain I will never see my DH again, so moving on was simpler for me.

We're all different, all widows find their own way and the non widows can jog on with their opinions. I buried my husband with a 37 week pregnant belly, no one is entitled to a view on a my life.

Good luck Op and all widows on this thread, [/quote]
You're quite right about @Babdoc's religious views, @WaterBottle123. Though, having said that, I grew up in an extremely devout family in a devoutly Catholic society and didn't see any indication that a belief in eternal life and being reunited with dead loved ones had any particular impact in terms of widowers and widows remarrying at the level of society as a whole.

A friend's widowed father, widowed young, met his second wife at a diocesan Catholic 'dealing with bereavement' residential weekend, and apparently it's quite common for relationships and marriages to emerge from them.

@Waterbottle123, . That must have been horrifically difficult.

I wouldn’t see it as “moving on”.... it’s more “moving forwards” and even then it’s really just “moving”... the same as everyone else is doing.

Moving on sounds like forgetting the past, and that’s not going to happen. Moving forwards at least seems like you are just making positive decisions to get on with your life.

Yes definitely is just moving forwards. Just like anyone else.

@Erkrie thanks so much for the suggestion. I had a look and unfortunately, she's just turned 55 so too old do for the group. I'm there for her as much as possible, I went into isolation at the beginning of the year so I could stay over with them to help out when the hope that he might be recovering and have a couple of years or more left was shattered by more tumours growing in his brain. Since his death, I've spent most weekends with her and blah but it's not enough and I know that. I don't mean I could do more but that me, alone, is not enough. She's talked about looking for group support or getting in touch with Cruse and I think I'll push this more with her. Gently, of course. I just want to be the best support I can for her as I love her dearly.

There is WayUp for the over 51's Rosa. Maybe she could try that? The peer support is excellent in both way and WayUp.

Ooh, thank you! I'll go and find it.

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