To not have expected to be judged as a widow?

[Hellomylove]

DH died almost 2 years ago.

Since then we’ve moved forward and things are going good for me and the DC.

What I didn’t expect is the seemingly constant judgement as a widow!!

I mentioned to a friend in passing that maybe one day I’d like a new partner but was in absolutely no rush. The look of horror on her face was a picture.

I changed jobs 3 months ago and was met with ‘oh should you be making a big decision like that nowadays?’ Was looking at moving across town to a new area with a nice new house build again ‘oh you want to leave your house? Should you be doing that?!’

I feel like everything I do is judged against my status as a widow!!! Am I expected to just stay in limbo forever?!

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you handle this?!

There's a lot of minimising going on here. My husband died very suddenly, so the "you mourned him before he died" or "the marriage was already over" doesn't apply here. We were also very happy so I'm certainly not relieved either.
What hurts is that people assume that if you're trying to get on with your life is that you can't really have truly loved your spouse that much (and yes, people have said that about me).
Grieving is very complicated and it's hard to convey the utter shock and despair, and also the realisation that life is short and can be ended at any moment.

@Roselilly36

Sorry for your loss OP

Everyone has an opinion but you don’t have to listen OP. It’s your life and you need to live it. The advice is coming from a good place I am sure. But do what is best for you & the children.

You only have to listen to yourself. Ask why they make such comments, challenge them if you like. I think of no time limit on decisions when or if it feels right for You. They are not living your life you are.

@Aliceandthemarchhare

Moving forward doesn’t have to mean a new partner, though, and if it does it doesn’t mean things need to move quickly. Like I say this honestly isn’t aimed at you op I obviously don’t want to be cruel or insensitive with my words.

But I do remember how immensely painful it was when I lost my mum and it felt as if my dad met and moved in with another woman before I’d really processed she’d gone.

I think divorced parents can do exactly the same thing. I’m not being selective here - but I think when children have lost a mum or dad they naturally feel very close to the remaining parent and then when the focus is off them and in a new partner that’s hard.

Absolutely you shouldn’t be expected to stay single forever. It’s hard to say isn’t it? But personally I think two years is a bit short.

You’ve not read my original post @Aliceandthemarchhare. I never asked about having a new partner now though?? What I actually said was that I made a passing comment to a friend about maybe at some point I’d like to meet someone new but I wasn’t in any hurry.

I did read your post and I did try to make it clear I was talking generally not specifically and I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear about that.

@Candleabra

There's a lot of minimising going on here. My husband died very suddenly, so the "you mourned him before he died" or "the marriage was already over" doesn't apply here. We were also very happy so I'm certainly not relieved either. What hurts is that people assume that if you're trying to get on with your life is that you can't really have truly loved your spouse that much (and yes, people have said that about me). Grieving is very complicated and it's hard to convey the utter shock and despair, and also the realisation that life is short and can be ended at any moment.

@Candleabra I think it’s the realisation that life is very short that perhaps moves you forward in positive ways but people don’t see that so they just see you getting on and then stick their oat in with their unwanted opinions

I was widowed in my late 30s and had to move half way round the world with two young children a few months later, which certainly broke the 'don't make any big changes in the early days' rule. You just do what you have to do.

You will probably find that at some stage the horror at the idea of you finding someone new tips over into head-tilting concern that you haven't 'moved on' and 'found happiness' again - you just can't win, so get used to smiling, nodding and ignoring it all to just get on with doing what feels right to you.

I generally find the head-tilts and sympathy a bit much to deal with, so I often avoid mentioning I am a widow until people get to know me better.

But I do remember how immensely painful it was when I lost my mum and it felt as if my dad met and moved in with another woman before I’d really processed she’d gone

I think a lot of men meet someone new very quickly after widowhood or divorce. My uncle remarried fairly quickly after his wife died and was actually married longer to his second wife than he was to his first wife. But when he died his children were actually quite horrible to his wife and among other things, arranged for him to be buried with his first wife and said during the funeral service that things were "as they ought to be". I hope my aunt-by-marriage didn't notice what they said, it was horrible.

My husband died 14 years ago. We were both only 30 at the time and had 3 children under 10. I had a lot of support for what seemed like 5 minutes. Lots of promises about helping me out with various things. Most of my friends were our couple friends. They all pissed off very quickly. The first I found out was when one of the couples was getting married and I was the only person in our group to not be invited.
My family weren't much better either.
I ended up in another relationship far too soon. Looking back it was probably just to have someone close. This was fine for a few years, then fucked my life up in many ways. I'm 2 years into rebuilding myself. No friends though.
I guess I'm saying at least people care about you to try and advise you. You obviously don't need to take their advice, just smile and nod. You never know when you might need them

Oh god yes, the judging!!!! I've been dating again for about 18 months and my long term partner (brilliant relationship) died five years ago - his parents who had previously treated me like a daughter have barely been seen for dust (Covid has almost certainly not helped) and I turned round at one point and thought "wow where did all my male friends go?" - as a previous poster touched on I do think there is an element where some people like to have that one friend who's life is a bit shitter than theirs (through no fault of your own) and then suddenly you don't fit that role any more. As in "hey Bob doesn't put the shopping away but hell at least he's not dead"

Through necessity I changed everything about my life in a year, got my career on track, bought a house and in time found a new partner - I found a strength I never knew I had. You've got this, good on you

Most of my friends were our couple friends. They all pissed off very quickly.

Yes I've found this. The friends who've been amazing were my friends from way back - who just knew me as me (before husband and kids). The couple friends have dropped me like a stone.

@Wabe

I’ve had a friend widowed young say similar. I think she concluded it came down to people having put her in the Tragic and Bravely Struggling box in their heads, and therefore not being able to cope when she also did things that put her in the Doing Quite Nicely For Herself and Making Hard-Headed Career Decisions ones too.

I think she thought some of them were secretly offended she had the bandwidth to do anything other than grieve and parent.

Excellent post

What hurts is that people assume that if you're trying to get on with your life is that you can't really have truly loved your spouse that much

Such hurtful nonsense. My mum used to say that it was a great compliment to the deceased spouse and tribute to a happy marriage when a widow remarries.

I’m not widowed, my DH was widowed when we met and the judgements are never ending.

Also they come from both angles a lot of the time too. He was getting lectured by the “you’re young, you need to live your life, she wouldn’t want you to be alone forever” brigade at the same time as the “really? You’re moving jobs/going on holiday so soon after....” comments were coming from others.

He’s culled a few friends over the years because he cannot stand people who tell him what his wife that he literally spent 24/7 with during her last year would have thought or wanted. That’s his line in the sand.

You can’t win with everyone no matter what you do, so just make sure that you’re happy with your choices and what you are doing and let the rest fall into whichever camp of approve/disapprove they want.

@Aliceandthemarchhare have you been widowed? If not, then what evidence are you basing your opinion on please?

Being widowed young is unimaginably lonely. It's not like losing a parent, we're supposed to lose our parents at some point! How long do you think widows should be alone to make others comfortable?

OP. I was widowed at 33 (pregnant with one DD already). I started dating 15 months later. I had 1 relationship which l didn't involve my children. Met current partner at 38, he moved in 2 years later. I have never asked anyone else's opinion and then know me better than to offer it. You crack on. You're a bloody hero and no one is entitled to a view but you.

I'm a widow but slightly different situation as my H and I were separated (and he was living with another woman) at the time of his death (which made all the legal stuff even more complicated and stressful.)

I've been lucky enough not to get any judgy comments from anyone. I have a widower friend though who lost his wife about 6 years ago very suddenly. He recently announced his engagement to his "new" girlfriend who he's been dating for 18 months. All his late wife's close family were supportive and are happy for them, but her less close relations and some random friends have been very judgy about it. After nearly 5 years, come on!

Honestly I think I'd be very blunt at this stage and start along the lines of "Do you really think its appropriate to question the decisions I make about my life? What makes you think I wanted to hear your opinion?"

Cheeky feckers.

@TrickyD

What hurts is that people assume that if you're trying to get on with your life is that you can't really have truly loved your spouse that much

Such hurtful nonsense. My mum used to say that it was a great compliment to the deceased spouse and tribute to a happy marriage when a widow remarries.

Statistically they say the happier they relationship the sooner someone meets someone else.

Which makes absolute sense to me.

Everyone has an opinion on widows lives op. It's utterly dreadful. At a time when you are certainly at your most vulnerable, your life is destroyed, and you're coping with picking up the pieces of your child's life, people have an opinion on every inch of it. What you're not doing right... in their opinion. When and with who they think you should have another relationship with. Some don't think you should have another relationship at all. Or at least not until the children have flown the nest.

It feels that when you try to move on others try to push you back. And the way that they speak to you, with the sad face, as if you are not allowed to focus on anything else ever. Apart from your situation. Or they don't speak to you at all. They make their excuses and walk away as it's too awkward.

I found good counselling helped, I was lucky enough enough to find an amazing woman who helped me to build the inner strength to ignore the negatively. When you get to that place mentally, people then seem to naturally back off.

Sorry for your loss I presume you're a member of WAY?

My mother was widowed very young, and so was one of my friends.
They both admitted later, than in the first six months to a year, they were in a weird mental limbo where they made a few cringeworthy mistakes (practical, financial, social) which were totally out of character. In hindsight, they wished they'd waited.

So, I suspect your friends are being protective rather than judgy or critical.

Life is short - as many widows have personally experienced. Move on as and when you want to. People; i.e. friends and relatives may try to ''hold you back''. Someone recommended I take up needlework.

@tara66

Life is short - as many widows have personally experienced. Move on as and when you want to. People; i.e. friends and relatives may try to ''hold you back''. Someone recommended I take up needlework.

@tara66 that made me smile about taking up needlework

@2bazookas

Jeepers. Everyone makes mistakes all the time. But widows, as single women are subject to judgement and scrutiny.

Well if it was me I'd be telling them to eff off. But I'm not always very good at being subtle.

I think the asking "why" repeatedly would be a good approach if only to really really annoy people who think they are your friends.

I am so sorry for your loss.

People have no right to judge you really. Besides, everyone grieves differently and some people move on quicker than others. I don't think 2 years is quick to change jobs and to say one day you'd like a new partner. One of my uncles lost his wife of many years to terminal illness. They were very much in love and a happy couple, but he had to be prepared and accepted she wouldn't survive. She wanted him to be able to move on and find happiness with someone else, not to stay grieving for the rest of his life. The only thing she asked is for a new woman not to share their marital bed, which was the bed she sadly passed in. He met someone new within a year. I would never judge him.

Jeepers. Everyone makes mistakes all the time. But widows, as single women are subject to judgement and scrutiny

Yes absolutely this.

@Hellomylove - I can’t even see much of a link between their comments and your status as a widow, tbh. Why can’t a widow change jobs or move house? Did they explain?