Finding out the gender - unsupported!

Mamawell23 · 2021-04-30T11:52:18+00:00

Hello, I had my DS1 two years ago and I didn't find out the gender. It was a complete surprise and tbh, I could have been handed anything as I was in such a state when he finally came out! (I had the syntocin drip and no pain relief..! Big mistake). Cut to two years later, I'm expecting baby number 2. I think I suffered with PND with my first for a few months but didn't kick in until he was 2 months old. I'm really nervous about this happening again and I felt very down and at times did have suicidal thoughts (I would never have done anything). I think finding out the baby's gender would help me pre bond but my Mum and Dad are against this and my Husband doesn't want to know either but supports me finding out. Does anyone think finding out the gender helps with pre baby bonding?! Are there pros to finding out?! I do feel sad to not have a surprise but I am worried about bonding etc. I do think the birth caused my PND later on and I had signs of PTSD, so I may be fine this time! 🤞🏼

CharlotteRose90 · 30/04/2021 12:55

If you feel it will benefit you then do it. You’re the mum and you’re the person that knows their body best. If you husband doesn’t want to know can you ask the midwife to write it on a piece of paper and you read it that way. Obviously you would have to keep it a secret but it might help you.

PugInTheHouse · 30/04/2021 12:57

I am not sure what it has to do with your mum and dad, i am really close to my parents but they would have no say in something like this. If your husband supports you in it and you feel it would help then you should find out.

Original poster

Mamawell23 · 30/04/2021 12:58

@CharlotteRose90

If you feel it will benefit you then do it. You’re the mum and you’re the person that knows their body best. If you husband doesn’t want to know can you ask the midwife to write it on a piece of paper and you read it that way. Obviously you would have to keep it a secret but it might help you.

That sounds really good, I love that idea. Thank you

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Original poster

Mamawell23 · 30/04/2021 12:59

@PugInTheHouse

I am not sure what it has to do with your mum and dad, i am really close to my parents but they would have no say in something like this. If your husband supports you in it and you feel it would help then you should find out.

I understand your POV but their opinions are really important to me and they feel I am taking about the special part of the birth. I am worried I am taking away finding out and this time it could be special as I'm hoping I won't have the dreaded syntocin!!!

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Original poster

Mamawell23 · 30/04/2021 13:00

I would like my husband to find out with me, but then it's a shame for him if I make him find out when doesn't want to. But I'd love to get excited together.

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DungeonKeeper · 30/04/2021 13:02

You don’t have to tell your parents though.

Allthingspeaches · 30/04/2021 13:03

You'd probably bond either way but I found out with first (I wasn't fussed by my husband wanted to so we did). Because of that we picked his name quite early and it was lovely to spend the last few months anticipating him by name.

If you think it would help and your husband doesn't mind you knowing then go for it. You're the mama!

ShirleyPhallus · 30/04/2021 13:04

In the nicest way, it really isn’t up to your parents. Your body, your baby.

Definitely get the midwife to tell you once your husband has left the room so you have someone to share the moment with. Then call it a gender neutral nickname like Nugget so you don’t slip up.

(Waiting for the next person to smugly point out it’s sex not gender)

AFS1 · 30/04/2021 13:04

We didn’t find out with our first and did find out with our second - we wanted to know what our family would look like (we knew we only wanted 2 children) and we needed to do some preparatory work with our daughter who was desperate for a sister!

If you want to find out, you are absolutely entitled to. It’s a shame your husband isn’t on the same page, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t find out and it’s really positive that he supports you in this.

TeenMinusTests · 30/04/2021 13:04

I think it might be hard if you find out the baby's sex and not your husband. Surely it would be very hard not to start thinking of the baby as he or she (after all that is more or less your aim - to bond). And if you think of the baby as he or she, it will be hard not to let it slip.

You need to what you think is best for you though.

Original poster

Mamawell23 · 30/04/2021 13:05

@Allthingspeaches

You'd probably bond either way but I found out with first (I wasn't fussed by my husband wanted to so we did). Because of that we picked his name quite early and it was lovely to spend the last few months anticipating him by name.

If you think it would help and your husband doesn't mind you knowing then go for it. You're the mama!

That's lovely, I do love that aspect. I think with my first baby I didn't really think too much about it being an actual baby. I never really felt pregnant and then all of a sudden there was a baby.

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Wanderlust20 · 30/04/2021 13:05

I get where you're coming from although my reason for wanting to know is slightly different from yours. Fully expect to get flamed here(!) but I wanted to know so that I could process it all if the baby was the opposite gender from what I had in my head. It was and I'm absolutely delighted but just took me some getting used to because, as I said, I had this idea of what my child would be like in my head . I know it's silly. So yes, it did help me pre bond in my circumstances, just thought I'd share in case your reason was similar but you didn't want to say x

Original poster

Mamawell23 · 30/04/2021 13:05

Sorry, this isn't about my parents! It's just more what they said - it's not special. That's what I'm worried about.

If I find out, I'll tell them I don't know

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Cannotgarden · 30/04/2021 13:05

I had the drip both times but felt much more in control the second as I was far more vocal about wanting to know what was happening.

I'd find out. Your husband will find out anyway as you'll let it slip but who cares really, it's you having to go through the labour and if it helps to imagine him/her more clearly then go for it.

Papadontpreachimintroubledeep · 30/04/2021 13:05

I'm close to my parents and value their opinion but no way are they deciding for me to whether I find out what I'm having or not!
If its for your mental health then do it.

Sunny1112 · 30/04/2021 13:05

Find out for yourself and just don’t tell them.
If you think this will benefit you, 100% do it.

ShowOfHands · 30/04/2021 13:06

I had pnd and ptsd after my first and really regret how many people held my dc before I was well enough, let alone anything else. There was no moment of "it's a girl" because I was hemorrhaging.

Finding out the sex in advance helped me feel in control and connected to the baby. I was conscious and well when I found out and that was more important to me than I even realised at the time.

Original poster

Mamawell23 · 30/04/2021 13:06

@AFS1

We didn’t find out with our first and did find out with our second - we wanted to know what our family would look like (we knew we only wanted 2 children) and we needed to do some preparatory work with our daughter who was desperate for a sister!

If you want to find out, you are absolutely entitled to. It’s a shame your husband isn’t on the same page, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t find out and it’s really positive that he supports you in this.

How different did you feel knowing?

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Ednadidit · 30/04/2021 13:07

I’m autistic and my reason for finding out in advance is similar to yours - I really think it will help me to bond and come to terms with what’s happening. Lots of my family have been terribly judgmental about my choice, but it’s my pregnancy and I’m choosing to do what’s best for me, not them. My husband doesn’t really want to find out but he said he will so that I don’t have to keep it to myself.

Overall, do what’s in your best interests. I know you respect your parents and everything but respecting them doesn’t always mean that you have to agree with them. They’ve had their turn to parent in the manner they choose.

Original poster

Mamawell23 · 30/04/2021 13:07

@Wanderlust20

I get where you're coming from although my reason for wanting to know is slightly different from yours. Fully expect to get flamed here(!) but I wanted to know so that I could process it all if the baby was the opposite gender from what I had in my head. It was and I'm absolutely delighted but just took me some getting used to because, as I said, I had this idea of what my child would be like in my head

. I know it's silly. So yes, it did help me pre bond in my circumstances, just thought I'd share in case your reason was similar but you didn't want to say x

Yes, I totally understand this! I really want a girl as I want this to be last and think I'll be disappointed if it's a boy again. I LOVE my son and boys are awesome but I don't want 3... 😂

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Original poster

Mamawell23 · 30/04/2021 13:08

@ShowOfHands

I had pnd and ptsd after my first and really regret how many people held my dc before I was well enough, let alone anything else. There was no moment of "it's a girl" because I was hemorrhaging.

Finding out the sex in advance helped me feel in control and connected to the baby. I was conscious and well when I found out and that was more important to me than I even realised at the time.

That sounds really traumatic. Sorry to hear that

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Original poster

Mamawell23 · 30/04/2021 13:10

@Ednadidit

I’m autistic and my reason for finding out in advance is similar to yours - I really think it will help me to bond and come to terms with what’s happening. Lots of my family have been terribly judgmental about my choice, but it’s my pregnancy and I’m choosing to do what’s best for me, not them. My husband doesn’t really want to find out but he said he will so that I don’t have to keep it to myself.

Overall, do what’s in your best interests. I know you respect your parents and everything but respecting them doesn’t always mean that you have to agree with them. They’ve had their turn to parent in the manner they choose.

Of course. Have you found out already?

My parents aren't a big deal, it was their comment about it not being special. I wonder if I'm robbing myself of that wow moment! I didn't have it with my first as I was so out of it with shock.

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bloodyhell19 · 30/04/2021 13:10

I'm on baby No1 and had originally planned to not find out, but then I realised that - for me - there's so much I didn't know about this little baby, and it's the one thing I could find out about them and bond. I knew that knowing the sex would not have an effect on how I felt about the baby at all, but it's definitely added to my bond with the baby. My husband knows also but we've decided not to tell anyone else tbh. You can find out and not tell anyone, they don't even have to know that you know

goldierocks · 30/04/2021 13:10

If you feel it would help you, go for it.

I found out I was pregnant in A&E following an accident (I couldn't have an x-ray). I was about 5 weeks. From that day, I had a completely overwhelming feeling that I was having a boy.

The feeling just got stronger throughout my pregnancy. I was monitored more than usual because of my accident. DH was abusive anyway, so I went to my appointments alone. During one of them I said "I'm having a boy, aren't I?" and the sonographer said "yep". I didn't tell a single person that I'd found out for sure. I didn't find it difficult keeping it to myself.

DS was my only pregnancy. My sister was pregnant with her first at the same time and I found it odd that she didn't 'know'. Of course I was being ridiculous. I'll just never forget the overwhelming sensation that I knew I'd be having a son.

Best of luck

Original poster

Mamawell23 · 30/04/2021 13:12

@goldierocks

If you feel it would help you, go for it.

I found out I was pregnant in A&E following an accident (I couldn't have an x-ray). I was about 5 weeks. From that day, I had a completely overwhelming feeling that I was having a boy.

The feeling just got stronger throughout my pregnancy. I was monitored more than usual because of my accident. DH was abusive anyway, so I went to my appointments alone. During one of them I said "I'm having a boy, aren't I?" and the sonographer said "yep". I didn't tell a single person that I'd found out for sure. I didn't find it difficult keeping it to myself.

DS was my only pregnancy. My sister was pregnant with her first at the same time and I found it odd that she didn't 'know'. Of course I was being ridiculous. I'll just never forget the overwhelming sensation that I knew I'd be having a son.

Best of luck

Sorry to hear about your DH.

I knew with my first it was a boy from about 6 months. I just knew! I even bought boy things so I totally understand this!

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