Finding out the gender - unsupported!

[Mamawell23]

Hello,

I had my DS1 two years ago and I didn't find out the gender. It was a complete surprise and tbh, I could have been handed anything as I was in such a state when he finally came out! (I had the syntocin drip and no pain relief..! Big mistake).

Cut to two years later, I'm expecting baby number 2. I think I suffered with PND with my first for a few months but didn't kick in until he was 2 months old. I'm really nervous about this happening again and I felt very down and at times did have suicidal thoughts (I would never have done anything).

I think finding out the baby's gender would help me pre bond but my Mum and Dad are against this and my Husband doesn't want to know either but supports me finding out.

Does anyone think finding out the gender helps with pre baby bonding?! Are there pros to finding out?! I do feel sad to not have a surprise but I am worried about bonding etc.

I do think the birth caused my PND later on and I had signs of PTSD, so I may be fine this time! 🤞🏼

@happytobemrsg

I had PND with DS1 for a year although he was very much wanted & planned. We didn’t find out his gender so he was a surprise. Like you, I decided to find out the gender with #2 as I wanted to do everything I could to help with that initial bond. We had a Harmony test so found out pretty early that he was going to be DS2. I’ve had absolutely no problems boding with him now he’s here & thankfully no PND either. I had CBT first time around & obviously hormones play a huge part so I may not have got it with DS2 anyway. But I wanted to do whatever I could to help avoid it. If we get pregnant again, I’ll do the same

That's so great to know, thank you!!!

@oneglassandpuzzled

I didn't want to know with either of mine and it was lovely to find out when they were born. With my daughter, I had a long and protracted labour and the thought of the 'surprise' kept me going.

Yes! I was the same and that's my fear. It definitely kept me going with my first. I totally understand this.

@mummabubs

The harsh line in me says your parents literally get no say in this whatsoever!? I've had a similar experience in that I was openly desperate for a girl, didn't find out the sex as my husband was really against finding out. Traumatic birth and like you, I was so out of it that I was completely overwhelmed when our son eventually came out in theatre. I think it was about a week before I really realised that we had a boy! Second time around and I really wanted to know as I felt like I needed some certainty as to whether I'd ever have a daughter (we are definitely only having two children and I couldn't love my son any more if I tried, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't still want a daughter too). My husband was like your DH, he'd probably rather not have known but was happy to support me. We found out the sex at 16 weeks and I'm really glad we did. If my parents had tried to tell me not to I'd have politely nodded and then done it anyway - your baby, your body! You can always choose not to tell them the sex? :)

They'll be totally cool if I did find out! Their initial reaction was, oh that's a shame - no surprise for you. That's why I'm on the fence.

Lots of PP being very hard on my parents. They're loving and supportive! Chill out peeps...

We've decided to find out together . Good result and DH is delighted to find out once I explained the reasoning!

Thank you PP's!!!

If you think it will help you then find out, bearing in mind a margin of error because scans are sometimes not 100% accurate on this.

If your parents and DH don't want to know then don't tell them, but don't let them dictate whether or not you find out for yourself.

I found out with my second and third pregnancies (girls). With my first baby I couldn't find out as the hospital she was to be born at had a policy of not revealing back then (1995). In all, I had three DDs and overall I did prefer to know.

I've never subscribed to this school of thought that knowing the sex of the baby spoils the surprise and makes the birth less "special" at all. It isn't a surprise anyway - surely you know that you are going to have one or the other! Every birth is special, so that one doesn't stack up either.

Cross posted. I see you and DH have decided to find out. 😃

If you do, how long will your parents be able to contain their own curiosity? They could well work it out anyway if/when they see what type of clothes you are buying. 🤣

Does anyone think finding out the gender helps with pre baby bonding?!

With my dc I did not want to know with dc1 and dc3.
However dc2 we had a 20 weeks scan where we found she was missing her hand, which was a bit of a shock.
Having felt very bonded with the baby inside me, suddenly it felt like I didn't know the baby, like there was suddenly something unknown inside me.
I thought very hard, and felt that if I could start thinking of him/her and names etc then I could begin to grow to know this "new" baby. They didn't normally tell you round here (ironically they did where I had dc1), but the consultant understood me and went to take a look.

It did help. I won't say that it immediately changed everything, but I was able to begin thinking about a baby. I was able to go and buy an outfit -a little pair or white cotton pyjamas with pink edging. I remembering browsing for such a long time as it was so important I got a special outfit that was going to be just hers. I'm not even sure she wore them much, but choosing an outfit for "her" made me feel I was doing something for our baby when there was nothing I could do that would help.
We didn't actually decide on names until the morning I was in labour, but I think that was something else that could have helped me feel bonded.
It was a very difficult time. Yes, missing a hand is a very minor issue on the face of it but when it's your perfect baby inside you that you have all sorts of ideas for it is devastating. Nothing can prepare you for hearing that there is something wrong.

We didn't tell people we knew, so we were able to announce her birth as we had for dd1, as though it was a surprise. But it didn't make her birth any less special in any way.

I wasn't going to find out with dc3 either, but he was doing a full dance with his bits fully on show so you couldn't miss it!

We found out both times and I don't feel it ruined birth in the slightest! I loved finding out so we could choose a name and commit to it, and start referring to our baby by it while they were still inside. That felt really lovely to me, to already be calling them by their name. And seeing them after birth was full of surprises anyway! You don't have any idea what they'll look like or be like, so it was thrilling to be able to say "Hello Baby's name!" to this little human being.

I know someone who's DH found out and she didn't. He just had to be on it to not let it slip!

I wanted a second boy because I was so unhappy as a child and I didn't want to birth a mini-me. I'm glad I found out the gender because it meant I had twenty weeks to get over it and by the time she was born I was so thrilled to have her. Thinking of her as "she" and Babysname helped me to remember that she was going to be her own individual and was not doomed to live my life again. It would have been horrible to find out she was a girl at birth and have to deal with those Feelings while wrangling a newborn.

I have PND/PPA with my first and was much better prepared for my second, and my MH was fine. I was 100% selfish about my personal sleep and DH was very supportive in enabling it, which made a huge difference. Prepare, but don't dread.

I found out with my DH, but we decided to keep it secret from everyone else. It was a massive mistake in my opinion. I was constantly watching what I said in any conversation about the baby in case I revealed the gender and I felt like I couldn't relax. Never again.

I've found out with both of my pregnancies and for me it really has helped me to bond.

I have shitty pregnancies, hyperemesis and spd and they're a bit of a struggle to get through tbh. Both times I found out the sex and for me it was really helpful - it helped me to bond and see the vomit inducing parasite as a real little person. Which is daft as I don't really have expectations of what a girl vs boy will be like so it shouldn't matter but it really did.

I don't think it takes anything away. It's still hugely special when you first hold your new baby. I like knowing, but then I'm not generally keen on surprises and would rather know things in advance to be able to enjoy the anticipation

If you think it will help you, absolutely do it. We found out with both of ours. For the first it really helped me bond and when labour got tough it helped me to visualise the DD that I'd be meeting at the end. For me "a baby" was too vague and I couldn't visualise that as well. DHs family were dead set against knowing so we didn't tell them (and they had the sense not to ask if we'd found out as if have told the truth that we had!) With dc2 I didn't feel the need to know as such, but dh wanted to and I didn't mind either way. We didn't tell anyone else either time.

One suggestion - if you do decide to go ahead and find out the sex of the baby - don't tell anyone you know. There'll be judgement from some and pressure from others to tell them too which could make knowing more of a hassle than a re-assurance.

There are only two possibilities and it’s a surprise whether you find out at the scan or at the birth!

With DS1 he was whisked away to be checked after getting stuck and with DS2 it was a bit traumatic and I couldn’t stop shaking after. Neither of those would have been a special moment to find out so I was glad we found out before

Good luck OP. Do what you think makes you happier.

I never wanted to know the DCs sex before arrival. Neither did my DH or DPs or GDPs. I can't see why you would want to unless you have sex linked problems in the wider family.

I didn't know with the first and found out with the second. Same surprise, same joy, just at different times. I LOVED knowing what my DD was and it definitely helped me bond and mentally prepare.
Ultimately it's up to you and I'm not sure other people's opinions or preferences ever trump your mental health. No matter how much you love them . Take care of you and baby first. Find out the sex.

DC1 was a surprise, DC2 was also a surprise but I ended up having a section under GA and found out in recovery when one of the theatre assistants casually said “The baby? Oh yeah, he’s upstairs with his dad”. It was such a flat way of finding out that we found out at the 20 week scan with DC3. To be honest, I don’t think it made any difference to the bond with any of them, but was nice to have that moment with DH where we found out together, both at the delivery or in the scan room were just as nice.

Let us know what you’re having!

@Ohdobequiet

Let us know what you’re having!

I will do 😊

@Happylittlethoughts

I didn't know with the first and found out with the second. Same surprise, same joy, just at different times. I LOVED knowing what my DD was and it definitely helped me bond and mentally prepare. Ultimately it's up to you and I'm not sure other people's opinions or preferences ever trump your mental health. No matter how much you love them . Take care of you and baby first. Find out the sex.

Thank you 😫

Sorry didn't mean to add a 😫! Whoops!

@DPotter

One suggestion - if you do decide to go ahead and find out the sex of the baby - don't tell anyone you know. There'll be judgement from some and pressure from others to tell them too which could make knowing more of a hassle than a re-assurance.

Of course! We're going to say we don't know! Then I'll tell them afterward I knew all along!

@Topseyt

Cross posted. I see you and DH have decided to find out. 😃

If you do, how long will your parents be able to contain their own curiosity? They could well work it out anyway if/when they see what type of clothes you are buying. 🤣

Hmm... I'll just say I didn't find out. 😂

For me finding out was a reward for making it to the halfway point - I don’t do pregnancy well. It is a lovely surprise no matter when you find out and the day your baby is born will be special - you are meeting your baby for the first time and what’s between their legs does not change that.