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Original poster

Finding out the gender - unsupported!

112 replies

Mamawell23 · 30/04/2021 12:52

Hello,

I had my DS1 two years ago and I didn't find out the gender. It was a complete surprise and tbh, I could have been handed anything as I was in such a state when he finally came out! (I had the syntocin drip and no pain relief..! Big mistake).

Cut to two years later, I'm expecting baby number 2. I think I suffered with PND with my first for a few months but didn't kick in until he was 2 months old. I'm really nervous about this happening again and I felt very down and at times did have suicidal thoughts (I would never have done anything).

I think finding out the baby's gender would help me pre bond but my Mum and Dad are against this and my Husband doesn't want to know either but supports me finding out.

Does anyone think finding out the gender helps with pre baby bonding?! Are there pros to finding out?! I do feel sad to not have a surprise but I am worried about bonding etc.

I do think the birth caused my PND later on and I had signs of PTSD, so I may be fine this time! 🤞🏼

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/04/2021 13:48

In your shoes I'd find out, especially if you think you might be disappointed if it's a boy then if it is you can deal with it and move on. You're meeting your child for the first time, having that first cuddle etc...there is literally nothing more special than that, and finding out in advance if they have a penis or not is not going to 'take away' from anything, other than maybe the anticipation during the birth slightly. You're the mother and you're trying to avoid PND again so you need to do whatever you think might help with that, and I think it's wrong that your parents are even giving an opinion on this to be honest, they should be keeping it to themselves and telling you to do what you feel is best for you

Voomster953 · 30/04/2021 13:50

I was suicidal with prenatal depression. Very nearly went through with it. Awful.

Anyway, I found out the sex of the baby and from that moment, I felt I’d ‘met’ them. It helped me so, so much with my feelings of despair.

Your husband needn’t find out if he doesn’t want to, but it’s your body, your pregnancy and your mental health that’s at stake here, don’t minimise that to appease him.

Also, I know you value your parents’ opinions here, but it’s truly isn’t anything to do with them and them trying to sway you to do they want it wrong.

dottiedaisee · 30/04/2021 13:52

@Sunny1112

Find out for yourself and just don’t tell them. If you think this will benefit you, 100% do it.
This is what I did and didn’t tell husband I new so that I didn’t accidentally give the secret away!
Greenrubber · 30/04/2021 14:05

I've found out with both my pregnancies and I've already named my little one even tho in only 20 weeks

It was a nice surprise to find out what I was having doesn't matter if it's during of after the birth to be honest

I personally don't think there is anything to gain from waiting

M0rT · 30/04/2021 14:08

I have no children but a friend had a traumatic first labour and stressful recovery.
She just got on with it and expected time to remove the worst of it. Which it mostly did until she became pregnant again when her first child was two and the anxiety ramped up.
She was offered a birth debrief and it really helped her relax in her second pregnancy.
The second labour went smoothly and even though everyone else would think her second baby much more demanding than her first, because she was in a better place emotionality that's not how she feels at all.
Looking at her experience I can't recommend a birth debrief enough.
So if you think knowing the sex will help you be happier go for it.
You might be a "poor transitioner" some people enjoy change, some people crave it and create drama chasing it and some people do well before and after but find the actual time of change hard to cope with.
If that's you anything to make your next labour less of a change will be good.
Also I think a lot of this "special feeling" stuff in life is overrated. It's like we expect to feel how the people on the screen pretend to feel!
It's too much pressure.
If you and your new baby are healthy coming home from the hospital you will have many many special moments with them.

oneglassandpuzzled · 30/04/2021 14:16

I didn't want to know with either of mine and it was lovely to find out when they were born. With my daughter, I had a long and protracted labour and the thought of the 'surprise' kept me going.

mummabubs · 30/04/2021 14:21

The harsh line in me says your parents literally get no say in this whatsoever!? I've had a similar experience in that I was openly desperate for a girl, didn't find out the sex as my husband was really against finding out. Traumatic birth and like you, I was so out of it that I was completely overwhelmed when our son eventually came out in theatre. I think it was about a week before I really realised that we had a boy! Second time around and I really wanted to know as I felt like I needed some certainty as to whether I'd ever have a daughter (we are definitely only having two children and I couldn't love my son any more if I tried, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't still want a daughter too). My husband was like your DH, he'd probably rather not have known but was happy to support me. We found out the sex at 16 weeks and I'm really glad we did. If my parents had tried to tell me not to I'd have politely nodded and then done it anyway - your baby, your body! You can always choose not to tell them the sex? :)

PembrokeshireDreaming · 30/04/2021 14:26

I didn't find out with either of mine, I don't think it makes any difference to the bond at all.........it has just become normal to find out before the birth .

I was in the post natal ward with a woman who had a girl but had been told she was having a boy..............she was totally shocked!!!

RottieMum21 · 30/04/2021 14:27

We found out the sex with DD, but it didn't stop me getting PND in the months after her birth...

FTM91 · 30/04/2021 14:37

I don't understand this logic. It's a surprise whenever you find out. It also has nothing to do with your parents...

PugInTheHouse · 30/04/2021 15:26

@Mamawell23 yes my parents opinions are important to me also but they don't get to make my decisions. I wouldn't tell them if they didn't want to know of course but it wouldn't stop me finding out if I needed to. I wanted to find out for no other reason than I am impatient, DH didn't want to know so we didn't find out, if I felt I needed to know due to anxiety or any other reason like that then I am sure, like your DH he would have supported me.

DissociativeBitch · 30/04/2021 15:30

What has this got to do with your mum and dad? You are the mother, find out if you want to!
I had PND really badly and I can't say it helped me knowing (we found out both times) personally but everyone is different and if it makes you feel you know your child better before they are born then go for it.

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 30/04/2021 15:35

I always liked finding out (though did it the other way too). Quite frankly there is so much happening on the day the sex of the baby gets very little headspace. Whereas finding out before meant I had months of enjoyment thinking of names and imagining them and how our family might look.

Iampicklerick · 30/04/2021 15:38

I had to find out with mine. I don’t take surprises very well, I get anxious. Did it make me bond more? No idea. It definitely took away an additional anxiety, made shopping and organising my house easier (I had 2 boys then a DD so had clothes to sort) and took away a lot of worries for me with regard to some boy only genes we carry.

As far as your parents are concerned, would they even know you know unless you told them? So you can just not tell them. No one “needs” to know.

PugInTheHouse · 30/04/2021 15:39

@PembrokeshireDreaming yes I was in hospital with someone who was told she was having a boy and it was a girl, she had loads of 'boys' clothes so they did a raffle on the ward for them. I wonder if this could cause more anxiety if it happened, I didn't think of this before.

Iampicklerick · 30/04/2021 15:40

Also I think a lot of this "special feeling" stuff in life is overrated. It's like we expect to feel how the people on the screen pretend to feel!
It's too much pressure.

And also this, 100%.

Porthesia · 30/04/2021 15:41

I had both my daughters in the era when some hospitals were not happy about revealing genders and in fact my first consultant didn't believe in having a scan full stop. I was so desperate for a girl that had I known that was what I was having it would have made such a difference to me. I didn't buy anything for the nursery until after she was born. I am sure my mental health would have been better had I known. go for it

BetterKateThanNever · 30/04/2021 15:43

Do whatever feels best for you- they don't need to know your baby's gender but if knowing yourself prepares you more, then go for it. Also speak to your midwife/health visitor about your worries- they can help discuss your birth plan and prepare you for the route of pain relief and support you want to go down. Have or would you consider hynobirthing? Many videos on youtube explaining and teaching it, I feel this could help you.

Best of luck with it all! x

SonnyWinds · 30/04/2021 15:44

What the hell does this have to do with your mum and dad? Are they using this invasive and controlling?

Hardbackwriter · 30/04/2021 15:48

I found out with both of mine and cannot imagine how the birth of my children could have been any more special or magical. I certainly can't imagine how having artificially made a 'surprise' for myself by asking the sonographer to withhold information they had anyway would have done it.

Twizbe · 30/04/2021 15:53

I didn't find out with either of my babies. I wanted boys both times and knew I'd be disappointed having a girl. Not finding out helped me to bond as I knew I'd be happy once baby was here whether boy or girl, and I was :)

June628 · 30/04/2021 15:54

Personally finding out helped me bond a lot. Don’t think it’s got anything to do with your mum and dad but not sure how easy it’ll be not to let slip in front of your husband, it’s a big thing to try to keep to yourself but I guess it’s his choice if he doesn’t want to find out

happytobemrsg · 30/04/2021 15:54

I had PND with DS1 for a year although he was very much wanted & planned. We didn’t find out his gender so he was a surprise. Like you, I decided to find out the gender with #2 as I wanted to do everything I could to help with that initial bond. We had a Harmony test so found out pretty early that he was going to be DS2. I’ve had absolutely no problems boding with him now he’s here & thankfully no PND either. I had CBT first time around & obviously hormones play a huge part so I may not have got it with DS2 anyway. But I wanted to do whatever I could to help avoid it. If we get pregnant again, I’ll do the same

MedusasBadHairDay · 30/04/2021 15:56

I had severe hyperemesis so pregnancy was pretty traumatic. I found that knowing the sex helped me deal with that - they became more human and less parasite-like in my mind.

If you think it will help then I'd say do it.

Original poster
Mamawell23 · 30/04/2021 18:09

@SonnyWinds

What the hell does this have to do with your mum and dad? Are they using this invasive and controlling?
No!!!! RTFT! 😳
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