Finding out the gender - unsupported!

[Mamawell23]

Hello,

I had my DS1 two years ago and I didn't find out the gender. It was a complete surprise and tbh, I could have been handed anything as I was in such a state when he finally came out! (I had the syntocin drip and no pain relief..! Big mistake).

Cut to two years later, I'm expecting baby number 2. I think I suffered with PND with my first for a few months but didn't kick in until he was 2 months old. I'm really nervous about this happening again and I felt very down and at times did have suicidal thoughts (I would never have done anything).

I think finding out the baby's gender would help me pre bond but my Mum and Dad are against this and my Husband doesn't want to know either but supports me finding out.

Does anyone think finding out the gender helps with pre baby bonding?! Are there pros to finding out?! I do feel sad to not have a surprise but I am worried about bonding etc.

I do think the birth caused my PND later on and I had signs of PTSD, so I may be fine this time! 🤞🏼

Finding out definitely helped me. I felt very shocked and depressed after finding out both of mine (one of each so was nothing to do with me wanting one or the other!) but it was as if it wasn't real until that moment. As if I had zero bond before that. I'm glad I found out because I would hate to feel that way when the baby was being handed to me. I'm currently pregnant with my 3rd and will be finding out again to prepare myself

Okay going to be a bit of a pedant here, but you want to know the baby's sex, not gender. Gender is an identity that a person chooses, their sex is biologically what they are.

Personally I wouldn't find out the sex if you've got any preference. Then if it's the other, that may disappoint you further - this is how I was. Convinced I was having a boy and was heartbroken. Pushed me further down the depression well, as I so wanted a girl.

But, if you feel strongly that it will help you, go for it! It's your body and your baby. (Just don't be disappointed if it comes out the opposite- happened to my friend!)

OP, I couldn’t quote your reply!

I’ve not found out yet; scan is in a month. I’ve been very sure for a very long time though that I wanted to find out.

Ah, I see what you mean about your parents comment, sorry. Surely the safe arrival of your child is special enough in and of itself?

@Mamawell23
If I’m honest, I don’t think it affected my bonding process, but I didn’t experience any trauma with my first pregnancy, so it’s different to what you experienced.

I was really happy with not knowing first time and knowing second time - it just worked for us. And it definitely helped my daughter to get involved (and get over her disappointment of having a brother..!)

I think there's enough surprises and unknowns when having a baby, why add more pressure? Vast majority of people do find out the gender in advance, you wouldn't be doing something out of the ordinary! This way you can pick a name, spend the last few months referring to this little person by name, you also need to prepare your older one about a new sibling coming.

I think if finding out the sex might make you feel more bonded to the baby then go for it. I didn’t, but have a couple of friends who struggled with early bleeding and similar problems who did find out as a way of making it all feel a bit more real.

I think you may struggle to keep it secret from your DH though, if that’s the plan. I would have thought the benefit to finding out is in that you can discuss it together, share name ideas, hopes and fears about what their personality might be like and the interaction with your older child. Definitely got nothing to do with your parents.

I haven't found out the sex, and many times I have thought I wish I did know as I think it would help me visualise my baby & make it a bit more real. It's not that I don't necessarily feel bonded with the baby, but it feels so abstract, IYSWIM. If I had another baby (very unlikely for lots of reasons), I would find out the sex.

I know you say this isn't about your parents, but if they feel they can & should influence your decision on this, particularly with your reasons and history, well I find that very sad.

@Mamawell23

Sorry, this isn't about my parents! It's just more what they said - it's not special. That's what I'm worried about.

If I find out, I'll tell them I don't know

Oh it is so special though. I was high as a kite when I delivered by first and forgot to ask the sex and then almost immediately needed to sleep off the diamorphine. I felt very guilty about that for ages. With the second we found out the sex and the birth was amazing and definitely special, in my memories the room shrunk down to a tiny softly lit space with just my husband and me and the baby who popped out and was raring to go. In reality it was on the labour ward and she was tangled in her cord and the midwife was very much there. It was the most magical moment of my life and it helped me deal with how I felt about my first birth because it made me realise that what happened the first time was a large part down to inexperience and not something I’d brought on myself. On the family not knowing point, I had a relative who didn’t want to know. I absentmindedly said “she’s hiccuping” one day and blew the secret. The person was cross... oh well

@Ednadidit

OP, I couldn’t quote your reply!

I’ve not found out yet; scan is in a month. I’ve been very sure for a very long time though that I wanted to find out.

Ah, I see what you mean about your parents comment, sorry. Surely the safe arrival of your child is special enough in and of itself?

Exciting! Do you have any preference?

Of course! They're wonderful and supportive parents but my Mum is very careless with words. She didn't really understand my PND and she just thinks I'm ruining the moment for myself. No malice in it, just her way

I'm sorry you had a traumatic birth and PND first time around

I did too, and I was anxious in my second pregnancy - I found it very helpful to have a birth debrief. I was afraid it might be too late but it wasn't, I did a subject access request to get my notes and then had an appt with the "birth afterthoughts" midwife. I also discussed it in counselling (I wasn't having counselling just for that, but it was helpful to discuss it). Lastly I had a doula who is also a trained hypnobirthing teacher and she helped me a lot in the run up to the birth.

To be honest, I don't think it makes a huge amount of difference whether you know the sex of the baby or not. I think it's possible to have a straightforward birth or a traumatic birth either way. And I think the moment of meeting your baby is pretty damn special even if you already know it's a boy/girl and don't have that "surprise!" moment.

I found out the sex in both my pregnancies, I had lots of reasons for wanting to find out, and I have no regrets at all. It was especially helpful for DC2 because we could tell DC1 that he was going to have a baby sister, and I did get one or two "girly" clothes to supplement the unisex/boys clothes we already had.

I was mindful of my mental health after DC2 was born, having struggled during pregnancy and after DC1, and i was more proactive about getting help more quickly, so it hasn't been so bad. (The birth was also much more straightforward which helped.)

Best of luck to you. FWIW I think you should find out the sex if that's what you want (ignore your parents, it won't ruin anything!) but do be aware that it might not be a magic fix and you might still struggle with your mental health - in which case do reach out for support.

Tricky isn't it, as once you know, you know ! I have two and didn't find out with either. First one was lovely, amazing surprise although I didn't have a preference. Second time I did, really, really wanted another girl and got a boy. I was so shocked. I was really struggling for the first year, not because he was a boy but with a newborn and a toddler, no help and the bitch PND (didn't have anything like that with my first). Every day I wished I had found out his sex and I still do. Obviously there's no way of knowing if that would have prevented my PND or made things easier but just like you, I think it could have helped me to bond with him before he was born.

And just have to add: I LOVE my son so much, he's 4 and he's so perfect. But it took time.

Also gender disappointment is a massive tabu, I haven't really told this to anyone irl and doubt I ever will. It's not something you can understand if you haven't experienced it, and the same goes with PND.

Good luck whichever way you choose x

@Procrastatron LOVE your reply. Thank you - I feel positive about finding out now as it seems we had similar experiences!

I think I'll tell everyone I don't know!

@NameChange30

I'm sorry you had a traumatic birth and PND first time around

I did too, and I was anxious in my second pregnancy - I found it very helpful to have a birth debrief. I was afraid it might be too late but it wasn't, I did a subject access request to get my notes and then had an appt with the "birth afterthoughts" midwife. I also discussed it in counselling (I wasn't having counselling just for that, but it was helpful to discuss it). Lastly I had a doula who is also a trained hypnobirthing teacher and she helped me a lot in the run up to the birth.

To be honest, I don't think it makes a huge amount of difference whether you know the sex of the baby or not. I think it's possible to have a straightforward birth or a traumatic birth either way. And I think the moment of meeting your baby is pretty damn special even if you already know it's a boy/girl and don't have that "surprise!" moment.

I found out the sex in both my pregnancies, I had lots of reasons for wanting to find out, and I have no regrets at all. It was especially helpful for DC2 because we could tell DC1 that he was going to have a baby sister, and I did get one or two "girly" clothes to supplement the unisex/boys clothes we already had.

I was mindful of my mental health after DC2 was born, having struggled during pregnancy and after DC1, and i was more proactive about getting help more quickly, so it hasn't been so bad. (The birth was also much more straightforward which helped.)

Best of luck to you. FWIW I think you should find out the sex if that's what you want (ignore your parents, it won't ruin anything!) but do be aware that it might not be a magic fix and you might still struggle with your mental health - in which case do reach out for support.

Great, thank you for this. Really insightful.

Sorry to hear you struggled too.

*taboo

If you think it will help prevent what you went through last time absolutely do it. Doesn’t sound like your husband minds either way which is handy and it’s got fuck all to do with your parents. The baby is coming out of your vagina, not your mother’s after all.

Imagine if any other adult was ‘told’ or coerced into not finding out medical knowledge about what was happening inside THEIR OWN BODY???!!!

No one has any say or agency of your body and what’s growing inside it apart from you.

Find out the sex (not gender, gender is the list of stereotypes that humans of either sex are subjected to and it’s harmful to conflate the two terms) of your baby.

Wishing you a lovely pregnancy and an easy birth

@Wineless

Tricky isn't it, as once you know, you know ! I have two and didn't find out with either. First one was lovely, amazing surprise although I didn't have a preference. Second time I did, really, really wanted another girl and got a boy. I was so shocked. I was really struggling for the first year, not because he was a boy but with a newborn and a toddler, no help and the bitch PND (didn't have anything like that with my first). Every day I wished I had found out his sex and I still do. Obviously there's no way of knowing if that would have prevented my PND or made things easier but just like you, I think it could have helped me to bond with him before he was born.

And just have to add: I LOVE my son so much, he's 4 and he's so perfect. But it took time.

Also gender disappointment is a massive tabu, I haven't really told this to anyone irl and doubt I ever will. It's not something you can understand if you haven't experienced it, and the same goes with PND.

Good luck whichever way you choose x

Wow, thank you! I definitely think reading that, I'm going to find out. I think it will really help and cannot face PND again.

At least if it comes back, I know I tried EVERYTHING beforehand to help.

I only have 1 dc and I was always sure I wanted to know the sex. I wanted to know everything I could, so deliberately leaving out one piece of available information seemed odd to me.
I have never for a second regretted that decision.
I have no way of knowing if it helped bonding, but I believe it made my experience of pregnancy better for me .

It’s a surprise whenever you find out- even if that’s at a scan and not on the day they’re born so you don’t lose that just because you find out early

If you and you’re partner are happy then I’d just ignore your parents

I had my baby via IVF and would have been delighted with either girl or boy. But when I went for the 12 week scan, I found myself assuming my baby was a girl. I had to find out then because I didn't want to build my baby girl up in my head if she didn't exist. And she didn't exist! Had a baby boy, and long before he was born I couldn't imagine having anything else 😍

I think if you have a slight preference or an inclination to know, you should find out

I am pregnant with my second and have found out the sex of this baby. We also found out with my first but I was already so excited about the baby (all planned) that I didn’t need it to feel bonded, just wanted to know.

With my second, the pregnancy has been a bit of a surprise and I struggled with it a bit at first. I was really finding it difficult to feel much attachment, but as soon as I knew the sex and could picture our future family unit, I felt so much more connected to the pregnancy.

In terms of it making the birth less ‘special’, I think this is utter nonsense. If all goes well and you are totally aware of everything when baby is handed to you, I can guarantee that as you look into those gorgeous little eyes the last thing you’re going to be thinking is ‘ugh, how dull. This would have been sooo much more special if I’d been surprised about the sex. I’m bored now’. It will be a gloriously special moment because you are meeting your baby! That’s the special bit, not the sex. Whereas at 20 weeks pregnant, when you are starting to feel fat, and anxious, and maybe a bit unconnected to the pregnancy - that is when you need a bit of a lift and an injection of excitement.

And you don’t even need to tell your parents you are finding out. I believe the NHS don’t write down the sex. A private scan would do this, or you could ask your sonographer to tell you after your dh has left the room if he really doesn’t want to know.

All the best for your pregnancy

With each of mine I would have loved to be able to wait til the birth to find out, because I knew it could add something to the experience. But I also know that being able to potentially name the baby sooner and imagine him or her, would help me. So I found out. I don't regret it. They're not always right, but I found it became one less this to have any anxiety over.

It definitely helped me bond. We chose his name, spike about him using his name etc. It just got it all settled in my mind. I was always sure I would wait u til birth but DH was keen so I went along with it and I was so glad

"In terms of it making the birth less ‘special’, I think this is utter nonsense. If all goes well and you are totally aware of everything when baby is handed to you, I can guarantee that as you look into those gorgeous little eyes the last thing you’re going to be thinking is ‘ugh, how dull. This would have been sooo much more special if I’d been surprised about the sex. I’m bored now’. It will be a gloriously special moment because you are meeting your baby! That’s the special bit, not the sex. Whereas at 20 weeks pregnant, when you are starting to feel fat, and anxious, and maybe a bit unconnected to the pregnancy - that is when you need a bit of a lift and an injection of excitement."

Completely agree with this!

I had PND after a traumatic birth. I think the birth is the key not the knowing of the sex or not.
I didn’t find out with any of mine and it didn’t mean I was less bonded.