Finding out the gender - unsupported!

[Mamawell23]

Hello,

I had my DS1 two years ago and I didn't find out the gender. It was a complete surprise and tbh, I could have been handed anything as I was in such a state when he finally came out! (I had the syntocin drip and no pain relief..! Big mistake).

Cut to two years later, I'm expecting baby number 2. I think I suffered with PND with my first for a few months but didn't kick in until he was 2 months old. I'm really nervous about this happening again and I felt very down and at times did have suicidal thoughts (I would never have done anything).

I think finding out the baby's gender would help me pre bond but my Mum and Dad are against this and my Husband doesn't want to know either but supports me finding out.

Does anyone think finding out the gender helps with pre baby bonding?! Are there pros to finding out?! I do feel sad to not have a surprise but I am worried about bonding etc.

I do think the birth caused my PND later on and I had signs of PTSD, so I may be fine this time! 🤞🏼

Sorry if I came across as harsh OP- your thread title literally says unsupported so I assumed that meant you felt from that and your first post that your parents aren't supporting your decision. (I certainly don't assume that they're controlling and my opinion that they should have no say over whether you choose to find out still stands for me!) I just hope you do whatever you feel is right for you 😊

Yes I think it helped with bonding.

When I was pregnant with DS, it was the first grandchild in both sides of the family, so everyone was very excited obviously but probably a bit overly intrusive if anything.

We sort of had the opposite to you where everyone was so opinionated about us 'not finding out' and everyone stuck their opinion about whether 'they' wanted a boy or girl

He was an IVF baby and we felt that so much of the surprise and keeping things between ourselves until we felt ready to announce had been taken away because of all the planned treatments and appointments etc.

I would have rather waited for the surprise, but DH really did want to find out as he needed to be able to picture what his life was going to be like in the future, would he be raising a son or Daughter etc.

He wanted to know more than I didn't want to know if that makes sense, and as I pretty much made all the other decisions about everything else I decided to let him have his way with this.

The compromise however was that we kept it between ourselves and did not tell a soul we were having a son, or that we knew either way. As far as anyone was concerned the rest of the pregnancy we were waiting until the birth to find out. We didn't struggle to keep it quiet and it was so nice just having a little something between us after it felt like everyone had been so involved in knowing about his conception

When he was born DH announced 'It's a boy!' Like it was a surprise to us all, and at some point a few months later we casually let slip that we'd known he was a boy all along. People couldn't believe we'd never accidentally slipped up or referred to the baby as he or whatever.

Maybe you could do something like this so as not to offend your parents, if your DH is ok about finding out it could be a nice thing between you two that could help with bonding etc?

Congratulations btw

I fail to understand why something as trivial as the sex is the special bit. The baby is the special bit, doesn’t make much difference what is between its legs.

I had a MMC with my first then couldn't get pregnant again. A few years later, I finally got pregnant via icsi. It was incredibly difficult for me to bond cause I just kept thinking I was going to lose the baby so we found out the sex. I genuinely didn't give a stuff whether it was a boy or a girl, I just wanted to know so I could picture him/her, think of names, clothes etc. It really did help my bond and I'm glad I found out.

If you have a preference though, I'd say don't do it. If it's to bond either way, I'd go for it

Please use the word sex and not gender in such posts.

I do t know anyone who was disappointed at birth because they knew the gender!

I found out in both pregnancies - I don’t think it made it any less special finding out before the birth.

I think when you’re pregnant you should please yourself and consider your husbands feelings - I don’t think you should consider your parents at all. It doesn’t matter if they think it’s less special - this isn’t their baby.

I also think (in the nicest possible way) becoming less bothered about what others think is good for all women and particularly women who are parents.

Good luck!

Might help you feel a bond with baby before they're born. your mum and dad are WELL overstepping the mark even thinking that their opinion on this is valid they should all keep their mouths shut and support you. As mum yours is really the only opinion that matters.

@Goblin74 If you have a preference though, I'd say don't do it. If it's to bond either way, I'd go for it

I really disagree and think if you have a preference it's better to find out mid-pregnancy and have 20 weeks to work through your disappointment, rather than have this baby thrust at you and have a lot of complicated feelings to deal with on top of being exhausted and figuring out feeding and so on. I had a preference and #2 was the "wrong" gender (I cried on the way home from the scan I was so worried about giving birth to a girl) and I'm so glad I had long enough to emote through it by myself that by the time she was born I was thrilled to have her. Her birth was pure joy with no mixed feelings because I'd moved through all those feelings while pregnant.

Didn't find out with DS1 and loved having a surprise. Intended to find out with dS2 so as to prepare dS1.

In the end I found out after I'd been escorted into "the quiet room" as he was incredibly poorly and we lost him less than a week later. I'm glad we knew, because then we could name him, love him and cherish him in the following few days.

If I ever have a DC3, and they are healthy, I think I'll find out, with balloons and confetti cannons and all the "gender reveal" shit there is. We had so few opportunities to celebrate ds2 and I regret that.

As if the birth of your child would be any less special just because you know what it’s got between its legs!
I have 3. Found out with 2. All equally as special.