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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Marriage between two parties who are massively different earners is too bigger risk for one patry

319 replies

Whoarethewho · 30/04/2021 09:34

So to set the scene. Been together over 8 years. My partner is applying pressure to marry. However with 50% of marriages ending in divorce and us more than occasionally arguing this worries me. I own my own house brought outright with cash from my work, I have significant pensions saved already (sever hundred k). And I earn 6x my partner's salary (we both work full time), I pay for all bills council tax water ect. They contribute nothing financially. And I don't want children nor do I want them to be a stay at home house maker.

My partner wants the big white dress\suit style wedding. All I see with current divorce legislation is a massive payout coming in the future where I would have to give up half I have worked so hard for when there would be no sacrifices required for the marriage (it's not like they were paying for the mortgage or caring for children). Legally binding prenuptial agreements would help here but sadly are not valid in England. So really unless children are intended to be involved I can't really see why a higher earning partner would consent to marriage where the partner could leave at any time and just take half the assets.

Do you agree? I know people of both sexes in this sort of situation so it's not just me that thinks like this.

Yanbu marriage may be right for some but not here
Yabu marriage is a risk people with much to loose should still take.

OP posts:

altforvarmt · 30/04/2021 13:28

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

Your post drips with contempt for your partner. So don't marry them. Let them find someone who actually likes and loves them.

I agree. Let her go, so that she’s free to find someone who wants a life partner, and wants to marry her.

Your approach to life is just so... transactional.

littlepattilou · 30/04/2021 13:29

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

You're a goady one aren't you, OP? Just the first post and nothing else, with so much prickling information in it to get women's backs up, unnerve them, make them feel a bit disquieted. Bingo!

Your premise isn't unreasonable but using such a lot of information was unnecessary and unreasonable. This is a parenting site. Some don't have children, for whatever reason, but I've never seen anybody so gleeful about it - nor use that to put SAHM in their place.

As PP says, you have enough money to tie this up legally and you are not marriage-material so, why are you asking? You already know.

This. ^

And... the fact that the OP has not been back to post on HER thread since she posted it four hours ago, means I'm not going to waste my time constructing and composing a response.

KihoBebiluPute · 30/04/2021 13:30

I am assuming because this is the impression I get from the OP that the OP is male and the partner is female. If that is an incorrect assumption then some of the below will be irrelevant but it seems like the most likely combination under the circumstances.

OP you are perfectly reasonable to not get married if marriage isn't right for you. So long as you are definitely not going to expect your partner to make any compromises whatsoever on her own financial long-term wellbeing e.g. she should be able to put enough into a pension that she can have a decent independent income in retirement if your relationship doesn't last that long. I hope that with your vast wealth you are paying for all the cleaning and other household management tasks to be done by someone else so that she can dedicate all her energy to other productive activities? Obviously if you as an individual do not want children ever then that is your decision but in that case you (a) really should have a vasectomy or be celibate as no form of contraception is 100% reliable and (b) need to make it absolutely clear to your partner that you are never going to change your mind on this and that if she is hoping that there will be children one day then it would be better to end the relationship ASAP in order to give her time to find a partner who is interested in parenthood.

You clearly aren't an appropriate candidate for marriage, but tbh I am not convinced you are an appropriate candidate for any kind of long term relationship either.

RampantIvy · 30/04/2021 13:31

and us more than occasionally arguing

This ^^ is one of the many reasons you should not marry.

DH earns more than I do, but it didn't put him off marrying me nearly 40 years ago. You sound far too calculating to be good spouse material TBH.

Let your pratner move on and get yourself on a dating site where only people who earn 6 figures can join then you won't have this problem.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/04/2021 13:34

Could be male or female; there are plenty of posters that love to put the boot in via some very contrived/convoluted circumstances that make their point. Who knows? I take issue with the nasty jibe about 'home makers' and believe that to be the point of the OP's post.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/04/2021 13:35

No, don’t marry. It would be very different if pre nups were legal but they aren’t here. I’d advise my son/daughter to not marry in these circumstances as too unequal.

Pinkearedcow · 30/04/2021 13:41

I think if the OP does come back it will be to tell us that they are female and the partner is male.

Voomster953 · 30/04/2021 13:46

Just had a ganders at @Whoarethewho’s other posts. Wow. There’s definitely a theme there.... spoiler alert, readers: I don’t know the sex of the poster but their posts are pretty anti women, in a host of interesting ways.

Strokethefurrywall · 30/04/2021 13:47

Meh, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with OPs post.
If there are no kids to consider then there’s no requirement to marry because the legal protection that marriage affords is not necessary.
But regardless if you’re male or female you have to make that clear to your partner that you won’t be marrying, and allow them to cut loose if they want.

jacks11 · 30/04/2021 13:48

Marriage is a legal and financial contract between 2 people- yes, the decision to consider entering into that contract with that particular person is usually driven by love and wanting to commit to spending your life with that person- but it is a contract nonetheless. It would be foolish to do so without considering the potential ramifications if you were to wish to end that contract. In OP’s position I would be cautious about marrying someone in their partners financial position. And as there are no plans for children, there really is no pressing reason why they should get marry instead of cohabiting. I would say that wills should be made to reflect the situation (assuming you wish to leave at least some of your assets to your partner in the event of your death).

Though I would agree with others, if you haven’t already told your partner that you have no intention of ever getting married then you should do so immediately, so that they can make an informed choice about their future.

Laggartha · 30/04/2021 13:48

Wow - is that what we've come to that marriage is only a business transaction?

Well, it pretty much is.

swimlittlefishy · 30/04/2021 13:50

Wow - is that what we've come to that marriage is only a business transaction?

What do you mean, come to? It's always been that way, if anything it's far less so now than it used to be.

Dogfan · 30/04/2021 13:54

For those saying it's all very transactional, I went into my marriage thinking we would be together forever and that if you weren't going yo commit yourself (and for me that meant sharing all I had with him) why get married. Fast forward to 2 years later, an affair and him trying to take all my money and I would never get married again without financial protection. I was very naive. Great that so many of you remain I happy marriages but that may not always be the case and you may then think differently!

VeryQuaintIrene · 30/04/2021 13:57

Please don't marry this person.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 30/04/2021 14:00

You should not get married. Let your partner go to find someone who actually loves HER and cares enough to consider what SHE wants in her precious life. Take your several thousand pounds and marry that.

Saltyslug · 30/04/2021 14:02

If children are in the picture then marriage protects the stay at home partner who makes many long term sacrifices to support the family unit.

If no children are in the picture likely give it a miss. Instead help your partner mass their own financial safety net be it in the form of a rental property or pension but ideally both. That way if you separate your partner will have their own house and own income.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/04/2021 14:05

@SinisterBumFacedCat

I find it strange women are encouraged to to marry for financial protection but it’s different if it’s a male. The double standards are rife it would seem.

EverythingRuined · 30/04/2021 14:05

Yanbu
As long as you are clear and honest about what you will and won’t do then you aren’t doing anything wrong. I think you could look at a cohabitation agreement and see if that might help you and your partner work out what you want.

I wouldn’t get married in your situation.

My kids all have partners who are much less well off than they are. I’m not going to ever say anything unless specifically asked but I wouldn’t get married if I were them.

MsTSwift · 30/04/2021 14:11

I just hope you are honest and tell your partner no marriage and no children with you so she can make her own decisions

DontBeRidiculous · 30/04/2021 14:14

No-one should get married if they don't want to, but for some people (fewer and fewer) it has enough meaning that it's worth a certain amount of risk, even if there won't be children.

I'd think long and hard about any relationship where the other person didn't want to marry me because they were already looking ahead to the possibility of a divorce and whether or not I'd be legally entitled to joint money/property. Tbf, there's no point in marrying if one person already has the mindset that it might not work out, to the point that they're hesitant.

BoredatHome321 · 30/04/2021 14:15

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss you're spot on, not sure why everyone's jumping to the conclusion that OP is a male and you're definitely correct that the double standards are crazy!

RampantIvy · 30/04/2021 14:16

A bit of an eye opener @Voomster953

Strokethefurrywall · 30/04/2021 14:31

Exactly right @IceCreamAndCandyfloss - women should marry for the financial protection it brings if kids are involved but if it were my daughter or son in this situation, I’d urge them not to.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to protect what OP has worked for! They’re not all of a sudden a monster for not wanting to get married and protecting those assets.

Double standards indeed.

Ericaequites · 30/04/2021 14:33

Take Punch’s advice on marriage: Don’t. I married someone who didn’t share my values and goals, and made far less money. It was miserable, and we divorced as quickly as possible.

Goldenbear · 30/04/2021 14:39

The OP appears contemptuous and suspicious though- I wouldn't be very proud if my DCs outlook was that cynical.

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