Marriage between two parties who are massively different earners is too bigger risk for one patry

[Whoarethewho]

So to set the scene. Been together over 8 years. My partner is applying pressure to marry. However with 50% of marriages ending in divorce and us more than occasionally arguing this worries me. I own my own house brought outright with cash from my work, I have significant pensions saved already (sever hundred k). And I earn 6x my partner's salary (we both work full time), I pay for all bills council tax water ect. They contribute nothing financially. And I don't want children nor do I want them to be a stay at home house maker.

My partner wants the big white dress\suit style wedding. All I see with current divorce legislation is a massive payout coming in the future where I would have to give up half I have worked so hard for when there would be no sacrifices required for the marriage (it's not like they were paying for the mortgage or caring for children). Legally binding prenuptial agreements would help here but sadly are not valid in England. So really unless children are intended to be involved I can't really see why a higher earning partner would consent to marriage where the partner could leave at any time and just take half the assets.

Do you agree? I know people of both sexes in this sort of situation so it's not just me that thinks like this.

Yanbu marriage may be right for some but not here
Yabu marriage is a risk people with much to loose should still take.

To a PP, how can marriage not be a declaration of love for each other- wedding vows are literally declatory words in the ceremony for that purpose?

An alternative option is to suggest your girlfriend changes her surname to your’s, starts using Mrs to update her marital status, and you both ‘marry’ via a non religious, non legally binding ceremony, which means you get to keep all your money if you part, and your girlfriend gets to have the big dress and party day. You can have a blessing in a church I think, or a hand fasting ceremony.

If you love your girlfriend and want to stay with her, but do not want to marry her because of your financial concerns, you need to be clear with her right now in order she can decide whether to stay with your or not, because presently, the situation is unfair, and will breed long term resentment.

It is not unsurprising for a woman to wish to marry her long term partner. This is the standard in relationships. One day you may find the woman for whom you willingly give up everything you own without a second thought.

Lastly, you say you do not want children. Even if your girlfriend does not too, the number of genuine and engineered pregnancies in this situation can be an unexpected shock. Whether you are by then married or not, your financial situation will still change significantly once you produce offspring.

YANBU
Anyone who wouldn’t consider the implications of a future divorce is very foolish. In other countries it is possible to choose whether to combine assets on marriage. You already owned the house. I had a brief relationship with someone whose ex wife was very open about looking to marry someone with assets for this very reason. I actually suspect the idea may have crossed his mind as well. Many put themselves in precarious positions for romance. There is some very silly advice on here.
I think a couple who have children or are planning on having children are a very different situation as in that case there has often been a detrimental effect on one career.

If you thought she was the right person none of this would even enter your mind.

I hope she realises and leaves soon....

Mainstream churches do not bless unions that are not valid marriages. The blessing is for the marriage and for the couple that have exchanged legal vows. It's not just a random piece of churchiness that you can decide to have outside any context.

What do you do that pays so much and doesn’t require decent literacy?

If you have no intention of marrying, it’s fine as long as you are clear with your partner. Don’t waste their time if marriage is what they want.

Many relationships have one person who contributes more than the partner/all of the household income, and the other partner contributes in different ways.

It sounds like you don’t respect what your partner brings to the relationship, you don’t trust their motives for getting married, and you’re planning your divorce before you’re married.

No pressure to marry, but it’s sad that all you see is money

I am not and probably will never be in your situation but I completely agree with you. In your shoes, I wouldn't get married (as long as no children are or will be involved).

@starfishmummy

If you thought she was the right person none of this would even enter your mind.

I hope she realises and leaves soon....

The rest of the OP’s posting history would suggest she’s female and her partner male, and that he perhaps hasn’t committed himself as much to education and work in the past as she has.

In her situation, I’d also be incredibly cautious about whether I wanted a legal commitment which would benefit him far more than me.

Sounds like you dont like the guy or expect this to last so why are you with him?

@starfishmummy

If you thought she was the right person none of this would even enter your mind.

I hope she realises and leaves soon....

Nobody gets married planning to get divorced usually but this is really bad advice. Potentially losing a house and half a pension is not something that shouldn’t cross your mind.

I married for love, didn't even consider money, so I don't think it's for you.

You may choose to marry because it matters to your partner. And that's a good reason. But also fine not to.

Many of the splits we see involve children and families where 1 parent has been at home. This wouldn't apply to you. And any financial split would reflect this.

If no kids involved, then no.

I don't think it is silly advice to enlighten someone on the reasons for marriage. It is a huge commitment and there is no way you should enter in to that if you are already thinking along the lines of not giving up anything, even if it does end in divorce. Equally, marriages ebb and flow, the whole point is that it is not easy to walk away from, you are committed to navigating that. I think that is testament to how you feel about that person.

I think it makes a difference if you marry when you are younger as your life develops with that person.

I earned 10x my husband and we were married almost 20 years). He got 60% on our divorce -w e both work full time and have children. So yes, avoid it or have a pre nup with both of you having good solicitors although even that is not necessarily binding under English law - just has indicative force (as you say).

If your partner wants a big do do a religious but not civil marriage. That is allowed in some religions but not others however so you would have to look carefully.

I think its sensible to consider the financial implications.
If your partner has no expenses are they at least using all their disposable income wisely. do they have pension planning?

In the event you died how would they survive? Do you have wills in place to protect them or would they find they were financially screwed and also suddenly homeless.

I think marriage is important where children are involved as it usually protects somewhat the person who has had their career affected, but if this isnt the case then you can provide the same protection for your partner by making sure you have wills in place and helping them to invest in their future financial security also.

Husband and I both consider our marriage as a legal/financial transaction. Difference is that we had discussed this stuff from the beginning of our relationship and agreed boundaries.

You clearly don't agree so the relationship is already doomed.

For us, the deal was if we had children I expected marriage. He wanted children (where as I was more neutral about the idea). We were married when I was a few months pregnant. With a pre nup that protects both of us, and the children. And we are still married years later!

Having this view is fine. What isn't is not making them clear to your partner and stringing them along if they want kids/marriage. Seen that happen far too many times, particularly to women.

If you don't want to marry them, that is fine, but then they should make decisions prioritising themselves e.g. should be splitting admin/chores equally however much each person earns, both should be able to move for work etc

Figure out what you want from a relationship long term. Be clear with your partner. And let them go if you can't make them happy.

If my DP and I ever get to it we will be in this position with him being the far bigger earner.
My plan would be to ask for some sort of deed of trust or whatever it would be called to be written up to say that any assets he had before marriage would return to him if we divorced and only assets accrued during the marriage would up for debate in the divorce. I think that would be fair enough. Is that any kind of possibility?

You're a goady one aren't you, OP? Just the first post and nothing else, with so much prickling information in it to get women's backs up, unnerve them, make them feel a bit disquieted. Bingo!

Your premise isn't unreasonable but using such a lot of information was unnecessary and unreasonable. This is a parenting site. Some don't have children, for whatever reason, but I've never seen anybody so gleeful about it - nor use that to put SAHM in their place.

As PP says, you have enough money to tie this up legally and you are not marriage-material so, why are you asking? You already know.

Lol no love lost there, is there.

@Whoarethewho What do you do to earn 6x your partner's salary?!

But yes, totally agree it's too risky for you.

@ComtesseDeSpair

surely no one walks in to a marriage thinking about the divorce?

If more women did, then perhaps so many women wouldn’t end up in dire financial situations upon divorce because they gave up their careers and absolved themselves of responsibility for knowing anything about family finances, because they were certain their DH was one of the good guys who’d never cheat / abuse them and they’d be married forever and ever.

You wouldn’t enter into a business partnership with somebody, without thinking about how you’d protect your finances and interests in the event you fell out with your business partner or the business failed. Why would you do differently in your personal life.

Well put.

In your shoes OP I'd not get married either.

You obviously aren't in love with nor want to marry your partner. Yet you say that your partner has dreams about big white dresses ie they are immature and infantile. It sounds like you don't have much respect for them either. I'm wondering how much of this you've told your partner who may have ideas of children and marriage down the road. Please let them know how you feel, so they don't waste anymore time in a relationship with someone who doesn't want the same future as them.

As PP says, you have enough money to tie this up legally and you are not marriage-material so, why are you asking? You already know.

Its also not just about children either - marriage is a partnership for mutual support including when adversity hits. If your priority is to sit on the horde and avoid supporting a partner at any costs then you are probably in the wrong relationship and definitely shouldn't marry.

Shit happens. People get sick, face job crises, become disabled. Marriage/long term partnership is about mutual carer through those life events, not just children and not just shielding the cash.