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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Marriage between two parties who are massively different earners is too bigger risk for one patry

319 replies

Whoarethewho · 30/04/2021 09:34

So to set the scene. Been together over 8 years. My partner is applying pressure to marry. However with 50% of marriages ending in divorce and us more than occasionally arguing this worries me. I own my own house brought outright with cash from my work, I have significant pensions saved already (sever hundred k). And I earn 6x my partner's salary (we both work full time), I pay for all bills council tax water ect. They contribute nothing financially. And I don't want children nor do I want them to be a stay at home house maker.

My partner wants the big white dress\suit style wedding. All I see with current divorce legislation is a massive payout coming in the future where I would have to give up half I have worked so hard for when there would be no sacrifices required for the marriage (it's not like they were paying for the mortgage or caring for children). Legally binding prenuptial agreements would help here but sadly are not valid in England. So really unless children are intended to be involved I can't really see why a higher earning partner would consent to marriage where the partner could leave at any time and just take half the assets.

Do you agree? I know people of both sexes in this sort of situation so it's not just me that thinks like this.

Yanbu marriage may be right for some but not here
Yabu marriage is a risk people with much to loose should still take.

OP posts:
BetterKateThanNever · 30/04/2021 14:45

My husband is and has been a high earner since we met and I've not worked for the last 6 years- We've been together 7. We got married because we love each other- the money aspect didn't affect our decision. The only reason you shouldn't get married is because you're arguing too much and clearly don't want to marry him!

PissedOffAgain · 30/04/2021 14:46

I find it strange on MN that you're wrong to consider that a marriage may end in divorce but encouraged to marry to protect your financial position in case your relationship ends...

I'm in the same position as the OP.

I earn substantially more than my OH. My OH doesn't contribute financially and also works full-time. I share finances in that I pay for everything. His money is his own. There's nothing to prevent him using this to make his own investments etc but he chooses not to.

The hospital and our surgeries both have the other as Next of Kin.

We will have no children together. He knows this.

He wants to get married because he has a romanticised view of marriage. I am more pragmatic and have seen what can and does happen when marriages fail as they all too often do.

I think some criticism of the OP's stance may stem from perhaps leaving some emotion from their OP so for full disclosure I think the world of my OH and hope to grow old with him. The reality is though that for many reasons, that may not happen and we may split up. Any other non-financial contributions either of us make to the relationship are, at that point, not relevant. In that instance I think it's slightly unfair for my OH to continue to benefit from assets that I had long before I met him simply because we were married.

I would like to think that the person I love would not try to rinse me if this happens. Unfortunately I don't think we ever see anyone's true colours in a relationship until that relationship has gone irrevocably south.

Marriage would not disadvantage me financially but a divorce could potentially do so

TheLastLotus · 30/04/2021 14:47

@Xenia 60% is scary - how did he get so much? !?!? Was he the RP?
Stories like this scare me...

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/04/2021 14:47

@Goldenbear

The OP appears contemptuous and suspicious though- I wouldn't be very proud if my DCs outlook was that cynical.
Likewise I’d not be pleased if someone was pressuring them to marry or they were ignoring the financial pitfalls. It’s prudent to protect oneself when finances are unequal, that’s just common sense.
IcedPurple · 30/04/2021 14:49

Classic hit and run. Always cracks me up to see people giving detailed advice to a poster who doesn't seem interested. Why start a thread like this and not come back?

Sunnyfreezesushi · 30/04/2021 14:52

I wouldn’t get married in your situation either OP. Marriage really only makes sense to protect the spouse who cuts back on their career/gives up work to raise children and from an inheritance tax perspective.

katiedidnt · 30/04/2021 14:58

@Sunnyfreezesushi

I wouldn’t get married in your situation either OP. Marriage really only makes sense to protect the spouse who cuts back on their career/gives up work to raise children and from an inheritance tax perspective.
This. If there aren't going to be any kids involved, I don't see why the higher earner would ever consider marriage. It makes no financial sense!
Goldenbear · 30/04/2021 14:59

Then IMO you wouldn't commit to someone via marriage as financial inequality is bound to feature over some course during the marriage. You embrace the pitfalls or you don't bother getting married. Why bother, it is not necessary to do so in this day and age.

Goldenbear · 30/04/2021 15:00

During the course of the marriage- that should read

TeachesOfPeaches · 30/04/2021 15:02

Marriage is a financial contract - nothing romantic about it

Original poster
Whoarethewho · 30/04/2021 15:03

Thanks for all the comments it's good to see a wide range of views in this situation. I didn't want any accusations of bring a cocklodger, man child or gold digger hence I keep everything gender neutral. I guess it shows there are a wide range of views all seem equally valid.

Some quick points before I have to head back to work.
Mumsnet contributors regularly advices marriage as a transaction and if children are involved or the expectation that one gives up their career/ earning potential then marriage is essential for that (for most people I would say). But whilst marriage provides a contract it isn't like many others for example if marrying at 20 something you would expect marriage terms "for long as we both shall live" (so about 50 years) to have break clauses if one partner was to exit the marriage. I doubt any court of law would enforce those clauses nor indeed can I see anyone aggreeing financial penalties on the lower income person if they decided to break the contract. And it isn't much like an employment contract either where you can serve notice and then wait out a notice period. So I don't see it as a contract for the benefit of both parties like any other contract.
Given the high number of divorces (in 2019 I went to 3 weddings an statistically at least 1 will end in divorce) you have to consider how a marriage would end and even maintain ones independence throughout. None of those walking down the isle I bet thought it would be them but it will be one. And how often do we encourage people to be financially independent when a relationship is on rockey ground being prepared and considering divorce at the early stages seems prudent.
Finally I guess the important thing I take from this is to be open and honest about it. If prenuptial agreements were valid then there would be no question about it. Getting married would be fine. I'm not expecting them to equally contribute I love them enough to want to spend all my time with them because of who they are. They work full time and every penny they earn is their own to spend save or invest how they like. That doesn't mean I want to give them half of everything I own.

Thanks again for all your views. I will see if there are better ways to express an show love that may be accepted. They say buying a home is the biggest financial commitment you will ever make but there are some that are even bigger.

OP posts:
Etinox · 30/04/2021 15:08

Thanks for coming back.
It’s disingenuous leaving the sex out though because men and women are different in the impact having kids on their life long earning capacity has.They can also breed for different lengths of time. I don’t think anyone has said yabu, but sex and age are definitely relevant.

Goldenbear · 30/04/2021 15:09

It wasn't for me - absolutely a romantic gesture. Luckily my parents, in law thought the same. Bizarre outlook.

dyslek · 30/04/2021 15:17

Pre nups are not binding in England? Confused
I know of two women who made sure they got pre nups before marriage to protect their homes.As long as both parties have had legal advice a pre nup is binding afaik.

dyslek · 30/04/2021 15:18

oh,ok. Sorry just seen. The op is trying to make some point about Mumsnet?

jimmyjammy001 · 30/04/2021 15:23

You will get the naive people on here going 'oh I can't see the problem, just get married' then the sensible people like yourself who can see what the long term consequences could be and how you have got everything to loose and your partner nothing, if your not having children then getting married is a financial contract a person like yourself cannot afford to sign

RunningFromInsanity · 30/04/2021 15:32

I’m the same but female.
My parents are rich and I stand to inherit a lot from them, plus the (no mortgage) house and all the savings they have already gifted me. Plus my own money and savings etc.

Marrying would be incredible risky and foolish for me.

No one goes into marriage expecting divorce but the statistics don’t lie.

VegCheeseandCrackers · 30/04/2021 15:33

Be upfront with your partner and tell them what you've told us. If you're going in with a mindset that you don't want to marry due to risk of divorce then don't do it but don't withhold that information from them. Let them move on and find love and marriage if that's what they want.

NativityDreaming · 30/04/2021 15:36

YABU staying in a relationship that so obviously has an expiration date to you. If you don’t want marriage then don’t get married. If protecting your assets is the most important thing to you in a relationship then I suggest you don’t live with anyone long term. You should break up and only date people in future with similar assets.

Hotankles · 30/04/2021 15:39

Don't have kids and don't get married.

Meowchickameowmeow · 30/04/2021 15:40

Let this person go and find someone who doesn't think she's only in it for the payout.

TheLastLotus · 30/04/2021 15:41

Refreshing to see a sensible OP!
Love is personal, proven by words and actions. If you love someone there's nothing to stop you from sharing your assets with them etc.
A marriage certificate - the piece of paper - is a legal document. It confers upon you rights by law that you deserve as a spouse.

When a couple marries young and has spent a lifetime building their assets together marriage is a sensible protection. Either party's high earnings are definitely attributed to the support, financial or otherwise of the spouse. In this case I would generally not begrudge a 'less financial contributing/ partner nothing , even with no children to have a claim on some of the assets.

HOWEVER when one party has accumulated wealth while single it is unfair for the partner to expect any of it.
. Assuming nothing untoward happening (e.g. illness or job losses) the higher earner had zero help from the partner in earning so much and presumably would have continued to do so even if single.

In other countries as pp mentioned assets are not automatically combined upon marriage. And divorce law is less of a blunt hammer whereby the higher earning partner is automatically disadvantaged even though there is zero difference in living situations except that one has a better paying professions that the other.

Marriage in 2021 where more and more couples are already established households is very different from even 20 years ago, where most would be starting from scratch together.

RantyAnty · 30/04/2021 15:51

@Whoarethewho

So you've been together for 8 years and you don't want to get married or have children.

Your partner wants to get married. Do they want children?

nancywhitehead · 30/04/2021 15:54

They work full time and every penny they earn is their own to spend save or invest how they like. That doesn't mean I want to give them half of everything I own

Well this view runs contrary to the whole concept of marriage, whereby you join with another person and everything you own would belong to both of you, as a married couple.

If you're not up for that kind of commitment then you either haven't found the right person yet, or marriage just isn't and never will be right for you because you are too independent.

Nothing wrong with that but you need to be clear with your partner so they can make an informed decision on whether to stay with you or not.

CallMeCleo · 30/04/2021 15:59

For me the burning question is, how did you get to earn such a massive salary when you can't spell "lose" or "aisle" or "etc"? Porn actor?