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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Marriage between two parties who are massively different earners is too bigger risk for one patry

319 replies

Whoarethewho · 30/04/2021 09:34

So to set the scene. Been together over 8 years. My partner is applying pressure to marry. However with 50% of marriages ending in divorce and us more than occasionally arguing this worries me. I own my own house brought outright with cash from my work, I have significant pensions saved already (sever hundred k). And I earn 6x my partner's salary (we both work full time), I pay for all bills council tax water ect. They contribute nothing financially. And I don't want children nor do I want them to be a stay at home house maker.

My partner wants the big white dress\suit style wedding. All I see with current divorce legislation is a massive payout coming in the future where I would have to give up half I have worked so hard for when there would be no sacrifices required for the marriage (it's not like they were paying for the mortgage or caring for children). Legally binding prenuptial agreements would help here but sadly are not valid in England. So really unless children are intended to be involved I can't really see why a higher earning partner would consent to marriage where the partner could leave at any time and just take half the assets.

Do you agree? I know people of both sexes in this sort of situation so it's not just me that thinks like this.

Yanbu marriage may be right for some but not here
Yabu marriage is a risk people with much to loose should still take.

OP posts:

Moondust001 · 30/04/2021 12:06

So in a nutshell, you don't love them, you have absolutely not a single concern about their future, and you are considering your own position only and the fact that you expect to split up with them. Your entire post is about yourself and your money. Not once have you mentioned what your partner brings to this relationship (something that is somewhat different from a transaction) - only what they don't bring (money). It's all about you. To be honest, I think it would be a kindness for you to end the relationship and tell your partner how very little you think of her, because she obviously thinks you are a keeper, and I don't! Perhaps then she could find somebody who is better for her. And the answer would have been the same had the sexes been reversed. Earning the same is rarely commonplace for all sorts of reasons, but anyone who reduces a relationship solely to a cash transaction is not fit to be in a relationship.

Siepie · 30/04/2021 12:06

My wife (we're both women) earns about 3x my salary. In the autumn she's returning to uni and will be earning less than me for a few years. Things do change. We're a partnership and both want to support each other and all our money is "ours", whoever is earning more at the time.

While it would be naive to marry without thinking about divorce at all, neither of us went into the marriage worrying that the other "could leave at any time" or thinking it's 50/50 whether we stay together. If you are thinking that, then marriage probably isn't the right thing, no matter the earning gap.

Franklyfrost · 30/04/2021 12:07

I’m assuming your male and your partner is female? Do they know you don’t want kids?

If both of you are 100% on the same page with not wanting kids then maybe your partner would be happy with a sham wedding- have a big party with the invites, big dresses, the hen dos the whole big stress and expense but sod the paperwork. (I think that’s legal...)

toocold54 · 30/04/2021 12:13

I think it’s really good to go into marriage with your eyes open and be clever about it. But in your case it seems that you already believe the marriage would fail so I really don’t think that marriage is right for you.

I personally don’t ever want to get married and know many people who are similar and I think you can just as good of a relationship without marriage. Is your partner religious or anything that would make them need to be married?

Newkitchen123 · 30/04/2021 12:13

I see nothing wrong between two people who are financially different getting married if they love each other.
However, in your case, no I wouldn't because you don't seem like you want to. And that's where the discussion ends. You want to they don't. You want different things from the relationship so have the discussion and move on

AryaStarkWolf · 30/04/2021 12:16

Well you sound like you don't want to marry this person regardless so I wouldn't if I were you. I always said to myself that I would never get married unless I was as sure as a person can be and I did that, I had literally no doubts when I married my DH. When I was with my ex, I knew I wasn't going to marry him because there was always doubts about the relationship and things I wasn't happy with

Redjumper1 · 30/04/2021 12:16

You clearly don't want to get married so I would suggest that you do not. Your partner does want to get married so just let them out of their misery and clearly tell them that.

Onairjunkie · 30/04/2021 12:17

I’d be guarded in your shoes, OP. Sounds like there’s no real benefit to you to marry. It’s a legal contract at the end of the day, not a romantic declaration of love. If you want the romantic declaration, have a humanist ceremony.

Goldenbear · 30/04/2021 12:18

The Op obviously has a problem with commitment, they are not even committed to this thread! I suppose they might be busy earning 6 x their partner(?)

TheLastLotus · 30/04/2021 12:19

@Puzzledandpissedoff this - but partner does work full time.
It’s actually strange - unless they have major expenses (expensive medication? Ageing parents? Clutching at straws here) odd to not contribute anything.

And if the OP is the type to be worrying about money upon divorce they don’t sound like the type to happily subsidise partner out of love either.

I’m starting to think that this is a fake thread!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/04/2021 12:19

everything is 50% theirs once you get married, not once you divorce.

^^
Very good point!

Don’t get married if you don’t want to share 50:50, simple as that. But do them the favour / give them the respect of being honest about it.

Dashel · 30/04/2021 12:19

@sleepyhead

The op has already said that the partner does not contribute financially to housing or bills, and also that they both work full time.

If the partner isn't salting away some of their disposable income (and even if on minimum wage, it is a decent chunk of cash each month if no living expenses to pay) in pension, savings and investments then I don't see that it's really op's choice to make for them.

Op, you're quite right not to get married if you have any doubts at all for whatever reason. My only caveat would be that it's unfair to not be clear about your intensions - no marriage, no children, ever. Your partner can then make choices based on the full facts.

Just because they can’t contributing to household bills, doesn’t mean they don’t contribute to other items. If the Op is refusing money so they don’t have a claim on their property, but the partner is paying for the fun couple expenses such as holidays, cars, meals out, day trips and food as per my friends, then it does put them at a disadvantage as all their contributions go to expenses which they wouldn’t have a claim on. Whilst the OP retains everything of value.

It might be that they don’t spend a fortune on this in which case yes they should be investing their own money but a little help (financial or helping research or suggest) ideas is part of being a team.

We have seen posters on here who have contributed to non household expenses and been left with nothing because they thought by paying for the couples holidays and food and weekends away they were contributing to the household, so just because they aren’t contributing to the bills doesn’t mean they aren’t contributing to the couples total expenses.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/04/2021 12:20

@Goldenbear

The Op obviously has a problem with commitment, they are not even committed to this thread! I suppose they might be busy earning 6 x their partner(?)

Headyhurty · 30/04/2021 12:20

Hasn't this always been the case? Until fairly recently it would almost always have been the man who was taking the financial risk, whether that was through greater earning power or wealth inherited through the male line, but it's usual for one partner to contribute more financially.

In our marriage it's varied through the years. Initially I earned more and he had a period of unemployment that I supported him through but once he got sorted, I left work and did some further education which he supported me through. For a time he was a the far higher earner when I changed career, then things became more even as my career progressed. Then he became seriously ill and unable to work so I was the only earner and will be until the end, but that could just have easily happened the other way.

Through all of this, we've both always considered all income "ours". I honestly can't see how any relationship that requires an element of shared finances (home/children) can thrive otherwise.

frazzledasarock · 30/04/2021 12:21

You don’t want to get married

You have all the assets earned yourself and you pay for everything

You have no joint DC and do not want any.

Your partner has no outgoings as you pay for everything.

Doesn’t matter what sex you or your partner is marriage is not right for this situation.

Tell your partner that you do not want to get married and do not want DC. So they can make an informed decision as to what they want.

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 30/04/2021 12:23

What if you got run over by a bus tomorrow?

Is your partner financially protected by your will, pension eligibility etc? Is there enough in life insurance to cover their iht bill?

Or would you die intestate with your assets going to siblings / parents and your partner homeless?

Does the answer to this bother you?

I ask because this kind of gets to how much you want to protect them Vs protect yourself from them.

Biscoffontoast · 30/04/2021 12:23

I see no love or respect for your partner in your post. So, no, you are not being unreasonable to feel the way you do about the prospect marriage. You are unreasonable to waste his/her time when they could be looking for someone to create a proper future with who genuinely loves and respects them.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/04/2021 12:23

... but partner does work full time

I know, TheLastLotus, and it's because it seems to rule out reasons such as severe disablement that I asked why they don't contribute

You could well be right on your thoughts about the thread, but on subjects like this it never seems to matter that much if we all learn something along the way

Be useful to hear back from OP though ...

SunshineCake · 30/04/2021 12:24

Why are you even with this person ?

I don't think you should marry him, obviously, but I don't think you should be with him. You are already worrying he will take half, and I'm sure you have a point, he's very free with spending your money on a fancy wedding, so why on Earth are you living with someone you don't trust?

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 30/04/2021 12:24

Yud be a fool to get married. There's absolutely no need to, have a blessing or something instead.

I own my house outright, I'd have to be dragged kicking and screaming down the aisle to put my future security at risk like that.

PurpleRainDancer · 30/04/2021 12:24

@Temp023

Well, aren’t you the romantic? Explain all this to your partner exactly as you have written it down here and I think you will find that your problem will just disappear!

I think the poster is a realist.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/04/2021 12:26

@Headyhurty

Through all of this, we've both always considered all income "ours". I honestly can't see how any relationship that requires an element of shared finances (home/children) can thrive otherwise.

I think a lot of people would be like this, I know it's been similar in my marriage, you work as a team if you're really committed to the marriage I think.

1Morewineplease · 30/04/2021 12:29

@OnlyInYourDreams

“I’ve been with my partner for 8 years. We’ve talked about marriage but he seems to be stalling. Thing is, he earns a lot more than I do and I think that he’s afraid to share his money with me.”

Want to guess how the responses to that one would go?

That's what I was thinking.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 30/04/2021 12:30

@Purplewithred

If your first thought about your marriage to this person is how the divorce is going to pan out then don't marry them.

This^ Fortunately with all your retirement pension money you can hire nurses and companions when you are old and sick.

Mumdiva99 · 30/04/2021 12:30

Wow - is that what we've come to that marriage is only a business transaction?

Plenty of us marry because we love our partner, because we want to make a public commitment to them, because we want to cement the union, because we are going to stay together forever. (Ok life happens and it doesn't always end that way).

You sound like a keeper - I bet you are beating the girls off....they probably all want to marry you. How lucky is your GF that you allow her to live in your big expensive home that she couldn't afford on her own......

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