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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if your dh/dp can look after the children independently?

415 replies

Neonprint · 30/04/2021 08:53

Can your dp/dh/father of your children look after them on his own? Two children aged 18 months and 4.5? Or just tow under 5. No additional needs or SEN.

If so for how long? What set up support would be needed if any? For example getting clothes out, sorting food etc. If he did look after them alone would he manage well or just cope?

Is this something which happens regularly in your home? Or would it be like you owed him something and he'd be a bit put out?

To be full transparent just having a conversation with a friend and she felt it's normal her dh can't really (doesn't want to) have the children on his own. When she is out of the house. I don't think this is normal and most fathers can do childcare independently even for pre school age. I look after the kids I know although I love them it's not easy!

I think she thinks what men can do and what they should ideally do are different. So is it unreasonable of me to think a father should look after two children that age? Not sure if I'm being unrealistic?

OP posts:
Booksandtea84 · 30/04/2021 11:10

Ha @takemetothelakes so with you on this! And drives me daft when perfectly sensible women go, oh he does help out. Like, what?? Help out? It's his fucking kid. Angry

NotGenerationAlpha · 30/04/2021 11:10

Men has be given a chance to learn how to look after their own children. I work full time so there's plenty of chances for DH to learn. Every time I went back to work after maternity leave, DH has sole charges of the children (so from around 13 months). It is scary for everyone at the start, but they learn to do things their way. For example, DH tends to do lots of outdoor things with the kids, bike rides, go apes, forest walks. I on the other hand do more crafts and baking. I cook lunches on my days off with the kids, while DH is more likely to buy out or cook something simple like tinned nachos. (I know some men can cook and may bake with the kids too).

Aneley · 30/04/2021 11:11

My husband takes care of our 17mo (and has been doing that since she was 1 year old) singlehandedly every day while I'm working. He was super-engaged from the day she was born (and I thank him and my lucky star he was like that because it enabled me to bounce back from life-threatening delivery in less than a month) and that never stopped. He now works part time so that he can take care of our child. The only thing he can't do is cook. But he feeds, changes her, plays with her, takes her out and does literally everything else I would do if I was at home with her. I know he does more than most fathers because of our jobs, but I can't fathom fathers who are unable to take care of their children on their own. My own father was more in line with the traditional role and yet he too was changing nappies and did everything around us including spending time with us on his own.

Tibtab · 30/04/2021 11:12

@pitterpatterrain
My DH does the ironing because I am bad at it, ha ha maybe I’m like these men who fake being terrible at something to get out of doing it.
We both have the same expectations for how to keep the house clean, and we don’t have to nag each other (often) to tidy up.
I have friends who do 90% of the housework even though both they and their partners work. It would drive me insane to live like that.

owlpicture · 30/04/2021 11:13

Yes he's brilliant.

irregularegular · 30/04/2021 11:15

My children are much older now, but my husband could always take care of them 100% as well as I could. Better in some ways - though I also had my strengths! But I took very little maternity leave, so we were pretty much 50:50 in our childcare responsibilities from day 1, other than the fact that I could breastfeed!

Kljnmw3459 · 30/04/2021 11:17

Dh is SAHP during the weekdays while I work, and he works evenings and weekends. We've had this set up for a few years now since our eldest was 1. So yes he absolutely can and does do it independently. He does things differently than I do of course.

dotdashdashdash · 30/04/2021 11:20

Yes he can, perfectly adequately. He doesn't feed them as I would or dress them as I would and he does minimal housework, but that's just his style. he's definitely more "wing it" than me, but that's our personalities, I've always been a planner, even pre-kids. He would need no preparation from me, possibly a heads up if it was photo day at school or something.

I wouldn't have have had children with a man who couldn't look after them independently.

badlydrawnbear · 30/04/2021 11:21

My DH has been able to look after 2 small children on his own all day since they were 4 and almost 1 when I went back to work after maternity leave. I work 13hr shifts that I almost always leave late plus commuting time so I leave the house before 6.30am and get home about 9.30pm. I usually left clothes out for them and made sure their nursery/ school bags were ready, but he did everything else by himself: got them up, ready for school/ nursery/ grandparents in the week, entertained them on weekend, fed them, occasionally bathed them, put them to bed. I also worked night shifts and left him with the non-sleeping wonderchild (DC2) who had previously been breastfed to sleep and woke up repeatedly every night. I did suggest he tried doing her bedtime before I went back to work to see how he could make it work but he chose not to. They both survived.
DC are now both at primary school and I am still doing the same job. DH takes them to school and picks them up when I am at work as his job is very flexible especially now he works from home, takes them to Rainbows/ Brownies/ wherever else, feeds them, puts DC2 to bed but neither DC is usually asleep when I get home. He didn't contribute to lockdown homeschooling at all and doesn't do homework with them when school is open. Luckily my job meant DC got to go to keyworker school on days that I was at work throughout lockdown, but in the first lockdown they didn't do any work there and I had to do all the work set on my days off with them, and this didn't help when they were off isolating as covid contacts from school. He lets them sit in their pyjamas and watch tv/ play nintendo most of the day, which I don't so he is their favourite parent (they have actually said to me 'I wish you were at work because Daddy doesn't make us get dressed/ go outside/ turn off screens'). He is entirely capable of these things, he just doesn't do them. I would also prefer if he could empty the dishwasher and washing machine so I didn't have to do it when I get home. Again, he can and sometimes does do this but usually doesn't.

Thatnameistaken · 30/04/2021 11:21

Because my DP was hands on with everything anyway there was no issue at all if I had to be away for a few days.

BigFatLiar · 30/04/2021 11:23

The only thing DH had issue with initially was cleaning the girls after they'd pee'd/poo'd. Not used to little girls he was a bit wary of how to keep them clean but after showing him (it's not rocket science) he was fine. I used to do a lot of work away from home, leaving Monday back Friday, probably like lots of dads have to to. He was quite happy looking after them on his own, getting them ready for nursery etc. He liked being dad.

Only issue I had at times was they were both little daddies girls which made me feel a bit Sad[envious]. They still loved their mum as well though.

incrediblehux · 30/04/2021 11:27

Two under 3s here - one is disabled. Husband has done 5 months shared parental leave with the two of them while I've been back at work. In lockdown.

He's fantastic. But I'm biased.

Parental responsibility should actually mean something more than being a regular babysitter.

Branleuse · 30/04/2021 11:27

yes of course he can. Hes an adult.
We have 3, including two that were only 11 months apart so two babies at once, and they all have SEN, and hes always been able to take care of them by himself fine as youd expect.

SimonJT · 30/04/2021 11:29

How does your friend think gay men raise their children?

My husband is not my sons Dad, hes only lived with us for just over a year, occasionally he looks after my son on his own, once was an unexpected overnight as I was in hospital. He is more than capable of caring for him, including managing his allergy and his hearing aids despite having a fairly profound physical disability which does make certain tasks harder. He knows the school routine, he knows who his class teacher and TAs names, he knows which days are PE etc.

Being incompetent in most cases is a choice.

Magnificentmug12 · 30/04/2021 11:29

Yes.

To my high standard, no. But that’s a personal preference, if I die tomorrow they will all be ok.

Skibidoo · 30/04/2021 11:29

1 DC 18 months, yup he’s totally fine with the baby, will cook for her, keep her clean, hair is always a bit dodgy but an effort is made (does’t like putting her hairband on too tightly in case it hurts her).They have fun. If i dropped dead tomorrow he’d have no problem taking over her sole care.

However she will only go down to sleep if I put her down (total pain) he’s tried but she’s not having it. Men are perfectly capable - some just don’t want to cos it’s an effort and they know the other parent will just pick up the slack 🙄.

Sexnotgender · 30/04/2021 11:31

2 children but one is a 2 week old EBF baby.

DH is 100% capable of looking after our 2 year old. He does all the mornings with him right now as I’m up during the night with newborn. He feeds him, dresses him and takes him to nursery.

MsMarch · 30/04/2021 11:32

This thread is actually bad for my mental health because it is reminding of the things that annoy me. This week I have twice had to get up and sort kids while DH is at work. This morning, it was his turn on the basis that I would then be starting work (at home) early and he would drop kids then go on to work (out of the house).

On my days, all went fine and I came back from school run only having to make my own breakfast. Today, I made DD's breakfast and made sure she got dressed. And he still left the kitchen in a complete state for me to clean up so that I can work in the dining room in peace. He did apologise as he was leaving. And to be fair, he does his share of cleaning and tidying normally. But it has enraged me. There are so many parenting things that he can and does do, but the standard is not the same and I am left picking up the pieces.

Chocolateandamaretto · 30/04/2021 11:32

I wonder what would happen to all these incompetent dads if, god forbid, something happened to their children's mum! Do you think they'd get a clue or would their children be shuttled off to Granny at every opportunity?

(I'll give you a clue as I am related to a man like this in this exact scenario. His children now live at his mum's. Utterly pathetic)

grantoderek · 30/04/2021 11:33

This is so depressing. I never really stopped working and everyone mucks in. I work abroad at least half of the time apart from weekends and holidays. It's not about being capable, it's about feeling arsed.

Goblin74 · 30/04/2021 11:35

DS is younger (10 months) and he's an only child right now. Apart from breastfeeding (obviously), DH can look after our son all day. He does this at weekends as I'm trying to finish my master and only brings him over to me for milk feeds.

LimeCoconut · 30/04/2021 11:36

@motherloaded

Some mothers are also guilty of being over-protective of their "territories" and don't allow their partner to do anything (then moan).

There was a brilliant thread where a poster was laughing and abusing her husband who took the kids out all day to give her a break. He didn't take the "right hat". He fed the kids at the "wrong time", he did this wrong, that wrong... All sounded absolutely fine, just preferences and everybody should have been happy.

I don't believe many fathers are as bad.

It’s called maternal gate keeping and it’s a real problem!
Iamanaubergine · 30/04/2021 11:37

We have twins and both went part time when they were younger. DH didn’t need my input when he was looking after them. Even now he does the lion’s share of childcare as his job allows him to drop the kids off at school and have a good amount of non term time leave.

frazzledasarock · 30/04/2021 11:38

Yes.

When DC were younger and I was EBF, the only thing he couldn't do was feed them. Other than that yes he took care of them and he really loved it (more than I did).

Now they're at toddler stage yes he does most of the caring.

Weepingwillows12 · 30/04/2021 11:38

My dh can. I have to travel occasionally for work, anywhere from a night to a week in length, and have done since the kids were 11 months old. Kids are always fine. House is always a mess but that's because he doesnt like cleaning at the best of times.

It used to make him laugh that friends and family would rally around offering to help or bring dinner over etc. When he is away, I never get the offers. He finds it amusing but also slightly insulting!