To ask if your dh/dp can look after the children independently?

[Neonprint]

Can your dp/dh/father of your children look after them on his own? Two children aged 18 months and 4.5? Or just tow under 5. No additional needs or SEN.

If so for how long? What set up support would be needed if any? For example getting clothes out, sorting food etc. If he did look after them alone would he manage well or just cope?

Is this something which happens regularly in your home? Or would it be like you owed him something and he'd be a bit put out?

To be full transparent just having a conversation with a friend and she felt it's normal her dh can't really (doesn't want to) have the children on his own. When she is out of the house. I don't think this is normal and most fathers can do childcare independently even for pre school age. I look after the kids I know although I love them it's not easy!

I think she thinks what men can do and what they should ideally do are different. So is it unreasonable of me to think a father should look after two children that age? Not sure if I'm being unrealistic?

Their dad totally should be able to and do so. I would judge him massively (and your friend!) if he didn’t. I am genuinely confused why women let this kind of this happen. Then they moan about it and are a martyr Especially if they have more than one child, l get you don’t know if your partner will be useless pre-child 1 but why have another child if they are?!

Of course, have 5DC and DH would look after them independently when I went away for a week no problem. I’m on of 8 and my dad could handle us when my mum worked on a Saturday, although a lot more playing in the street and being unsupervised in general back then.

However, I know a few women who feel their partner can’t cope and part of that is down to the their own standards. Same as they don’t like the guy doing housework, it’s not that he can’t or won’t do it but has been told he doesn’t do it correctly and so should leave it to her. I always felt DH aim charge means DHs rules, he can feed them and clothe them how he likes and outside of anything I really strongly opposed, he can entertain them how he likes. My friend would lay out clothes, prep food and leave instructions on activities, which her DH wasn't very good at. Of course then it became he can’t look after then, he can’t cope etc.

Many men do slack and avoid responsibility but many women also can’t seem to balance the sharing of parenting with relinquishing control.

My first husband was an absolute nightmare in this respect, and the main reason our marriage broke down was his refusal to grow up and stop being a spoiled mummys boy. I had a full time job, we had two kids who both went to dancing and gymnastics and he literally worked, played football and went out with friends. If i had a night out eg a hen night, he;d ask his parents to have them overnight. I ended up running myself ragged because he couldnt look after them for even an hour without asking me when I'd be back. I should have realised after the first baby, but we married young and i naively thought things would get better. He genuinely saw parenting as a mothers responsibility. Along with all domestic work and life work. Kind of a "Is my tea going to be on the table when i get in from work" sort of guy!

After splitting up he met some one new, moved in with her within 3 months and was then very happy with having the kids EOW as she literally just filled the gap that I left and she took care of them when they were there. Now they're young adults he's more like their friend or favourite uncle..... Its so deeply unnatractive to me that someone is so fundamentally useless in their family life, and I was so angry with myself that i enabled it all those years!

@WorraLiberty

Exactly *@MedusasBadHairDay* but you'll rarely see MNetters on these threads admitting their DH's can't/won't look after their own children.

Yet in real life, I see it and hear of it a lot.

Oh yeah. Lockdown and homeschooling really showed that up. It's funny how many men needed to either have a dedicated wfh room or to return to the office ASAP, while the women just had to be the ones to manage childcare and wfh.

I know my DH is capable of looking after the DC on his own, but I'm also aware that if I'm physically present then I'm still expected to bear the brunt of the childcare.

I have a friend whose DH almost NEVER has both kids at once and if he does, it's for a max of an hour. She still has to ensure that food is prepared, pjs laid out etc if she goes out and knows that when she comes back there's a good chance the children will still be awake because he "can't" put them to bed. They are 10 and 7.

If I'm not here, my DH can do the entire bed time routine, but without a doubt, they will go to bed very late. Which means I then have to work doubly hard to get them to bed on time or even early, the following night.

DH has the kids for hours at a time and absolutely could have them for days. But standards would slip significantly and I'd come home to children desperate for fresh food and a good night's sleep. And yes, it does annoy me a great deal and is probably going to be the focus of any counselling me and DH have as a couple at some point.

Mine are older now, but from day one he was a parent and behaved as one.
I didn't know anymore than he did, we aren't born knowing how to raise kids we learn through trial and error, man or woman.

I have a friend who’s family is like this, in my opinion it’s a joke. She states she doesn’t get why people don’t understand that he works all week so why should he look after them on his days off. I’ve known him to sit at home on his Xbox all day drinking while she has the kids with her at social events (ones where no one else brings their kids...) or she takes them to her mums. Madness.
My little one is only a few months old but his dads already had him several times while I’ve gone out for a bit. Sure he’s messed up a couple of things, but no more than I have!

I don’t understand why some people chose to marry men who then REFUSE to look after their own children. Why is a poster three or four upthread saying so many men refuse....if this is the case, something is wrong in the relationship if they feel they can and somehow they get away with it.

My DH never wanted to avoid childcare. He often didn’t like it, but neither did I. However, he’s a decent person who grasps the reality that small children need looking after and he is their father. He grasps that I need some time away and even if it’s hard, by doing it, he gets better at it.

My D.C are late teens now. My DH has a great relationship with them. He isn’t just the one who does fun stuff while Mummy nags. He changed their nappies, took them to the park and had days at home with them while I was out for the day or weekend when they cried all day and it was a bit grim. I had days with the kids like that too. And he also had times when they learned to ride their bikes, or went in an adventure and had huge fun too. And for both of us, as they got older, it was better for us as small child phase isn’t our favourite. But it has to happen doesn’t it.

Marriage is a partnership. One person doesn’t leave the other to do the things they don’t want to do. The caring person steps up and always is looking to do MORE than their share....now there’s a novel idea!

Not unrealistic at all! I never prepare anything for DH when I go out/work/etc - have never been for a trip away for several days, but absolutely could with no worries at all.

But it's so common and just another fascet of why women are collaboratively exhausted and ground down isn't it??

My DH would be (and was) fine. Some things were done differently to how I would do them but they weren’t badly done. He’s tidier than me for a start! We parent well together but I know he could do it alone.

I always felt DH aim charge means DHs rules, he can feed them and clothe them how he likes and outside of anything I really strongly opposed, he can entertain them how he likes.

You see, that's all very well and good, but the problem with that (and it IS how many many men operate when with their DC alone) is that it means that the mum is always the bad guy who insists on vegetables/fruit and bed times and teeth being brushed. Or who puts up with the torture of endless walks and trips to the park because she knows that the physical activity is important vs her DH who may be happy to let the kids just watch TV for a day.

Yes, we only have one but since ds was born dh is totally fine on his own.

One 3 year old here. My DH can and has looked after him by himself from when DC was a few months old. However, that has never involved what I would call the "juggling" aspect of childcare. He's only ever done a handful of nursery drop-offs since he works long hours and is usually gone by 7am. Similarly, he's not usually back in time for pick-ups. On the few occasions I've had to travel for work, he's taken annual leave and taken DC to stay with grandparents or grandparents have come to stay in our house to help out while he works. So he's avoided what I consider the stressful bit of parenting. If I had an accident or had to go into hospital or something like that, he'd be on the phone to a nanny agency within the hour .

When he does look after DC, I'd give him a 6/10. They have lots of fun together but if DH can get away with offloading something onto someone else (usually me ), he will. I get a lot of "What clothes should he wear?" or "What shall I make for lunch?" "You decide!" has become my stock response. DC is usually dressed in outgrown clothes and fed pizza or beans on toast but I've decided that's fine. There is too much TV but he will do playdoh or cooking or play with DC in the garden if I specifically ask him. He quite likes taking DC out with him on a trip somewhere... beach, woods, country park... but I'm normally asked to pack the picnic bag !

I know both types of dad, the capable equal parent and the deadbeat man child who panics if they have to parent.

The difference in the relationships, mental health of both parents and generally the life they have is startling. The lack of freedom some of my friends and relatives have because they can't possibly leave their child with their father for more than an hour. Then comes the excuses and acceptance of the situation.

'Oh he wouldn't cope' 'haha, he's so rubbish at housework'.
Let's stop enabling this bullshit and laughing off laziness and selfishness.

All the deadbeats I know are a bit old fashioned, most very career driven (at the expense of their partner's development) and claim to be hands on dads.
Playing peekaboo and pushing the pram isn't parenting, its performance.

Can you predict if a man will be like that? I don't know, in some cases you could spot it a mile off but not always so you maybe don't know you've got one until the deed is done and you're suddenly a parent of two.

Sorry, this subject really pushes my buttons!

Mine are older now but when they were small, yes I could leave them with him. They are 15 months apart and as toddlers I'd sometimes go away for the night with friends or the odd weekend. They'd all be alive and happy when I returned but he'd send me photos of them out in the woods, park, wherever, and I'd be thinking "what the hell has he dressed them in??!" As they got older, I would have to leave out times of various after school activities etc as I would be the one normally taking them so I think that's fair enough. And if they had a party i'd leave out the clothes in advance but not otherwise. But when I'd get back the house would never be as tidy as when I'd be there which did p!$$ me off. But I know quite a few friends who would have left out detailed instructions, dinners in the freezer for each day, clothes laid out for each day right down to the underware. And often the mil would be there as backup! I couldn't handle that. But I would have thought it was more common than seems to be on here -just going by people I know.

Even on this thread there are plenty of posts saying of course their DHs can and do look after the children and it's all fine. Except they end up just eating junk and staying up late. That still isn't OK! DH provides the same level of care that I do. It's crap to expect less

Yes DH is fine with the DC alone

Pre-Covid I used to travel 2-3 days out of the country every week, with some longer trips from when the DC were 10-12 months and up. He gets it done and we’re a team

I can’t imagine suffering through someone being that incapable and useless at being a parent. how unattractive.

I know a few men like this. They disgust me to be honest. You don't know how to look after your own child? Fucking learn then If women aren't perfect we get hauled over the coals but when men are incompetent they get indulgent titters from the enablers around them.

Mine works shifts so has our 18month old for 2 days every other week on his own. Its all day until 6 when i get home. He manages fine. Does breakfast, teeth, attempts hair, clothes, takes her outside, lunch then nap (approx 2 hours so he gets chill time) then snack. Im back for tea then he does bath and i do bedtime. He may not care as much on coordinating outfits or reading books etc but he is more than capable of keeping her safe amd entertained. No prevous kids or any experience at all with children and not a feminine/girly bone in his body (not that there needs to be!!) His brother on the otherhand dumps thier daughter at MILs when he is off as he just 'isnt able to take care of her' i.e. cant be arsed bothering with a girl - he managed the day with his son just fine - he is now at achool so he wouldnt even have 2 kids at once. Pathetic really, but its even more so the inlaws allow it.

I think you can predict it by how much they do around the house, do they consider things “women’s work” and “men’s work” e.g. women do the washing and ironing and men do diy and take the bins out.

Reminds me of a work colleague who told me he was ‘babysitting as his wife was away’ and would be ‘taking the children to his mothers for the weekend’ when I asked if he had any plans.

I can't believe men like this still exist. Sigh.

Tibtab that’s interesting and really true.

DH does lots of tidy / cleaning without any nudging and whoever spots the washing is ready to go in puts it on. He tends to do more washing / hanging out and I tend to do more putting away

DH does and can look after them both, but because I'm still on mat leave and you know, that covid thing, he hasn't had to for any length of time. He's only really looked after them both at home while I pop to the garden centre or in the evening when they're both asleep. Otherwise, we tend to split things so he has DD1 and I have DD2. Especially as DD2 is still breastfeeding.

I'm sure he could do it, but it hasn't really come up much. I think a whole day out with them both might be a bit much to jump in with, and he'd get a bit stressed out. He could do it though and would do it if needed.

He wouldn't like it if I told him about routines etc, he sort of knows anyway, and he's the kind of person who likes to find his own way.

With DD1 I felt I knew her best and wanted him to do things my way, and that didn't work for either of us. He couldn't work out exactly what I'd do in any given situation that arises and felt judged for making different but completely fine decisions. I had to let go a bit, and he found his own way and his confidence as a parent.

@Devlesko

Mine are older now, but from day one he was a parent and behaved as one. I didn't know anymore than he did, we aren't born knowing how to raise kids we learn through trial and error, man or woman.

Same as me. Mine are older too but Dh was great from day 1. He defintiely had more patience than me. I'd be pretty unimpressed with a Dh who claimed not to be able to mind their kids on their own.