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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if your dh/dp can look after the children independently?

415 replies

Neonprint · 30/04/2021 08:53

Can your dp/dh/father of your children look after them on his own? Two children aged 18 months and 4.5? Or just tow under 5. No additional needs or SEN.

If so for how long? What set up support would be needed if any? For example getting clothes out, sorting food etc. If he did look after them alone would he manage well or just cope?

Is this something which happens regularly in your home? Or would it be like you owed him something and he'd be a bit put out?

To be full transparent just having a conversation with a friend and she felt it's normal her dh can't really (doesn't want to) have the children on his own. When she is out of the house. I don't think this is normal and most fathers can do childcare independently even for pre school age. I look after the kids I know although I love them it's not easy!

I think she thinks what men can do and what they should ideally do are different. So is it unreasonable of me to think a father should look after two children that age? Not sure if I'm being unrealistic?

OP posts:

Embracingthechaos · 30/04/2021 11:39

If my DH wasn't capable of being alone with his own children for the day, I would lose so much respect for him that I don't think I could stay married to him. How can anyone live like that?

Hufflepuffsunite · 30/04/2021 11:40

Yes of course. 4yo and 2yo here. DH is a fully participating parent - we share all household stuff so he knows where food, clothes etc are because he is equally responsible for laundry, grocery shopping, tidying up etc. He often takes the kids by himself to the park or out for a walk at weekends. He adores our boys and has always loved spending time with them so he knows their likes/dislikes/quirks/sleeping patterns/favourite toys just as well as I do. He is fully capable of running bedtime solo. I would be totally happy leaving him for a weekend or even a couple of weeks - he is perfectly capable.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/04/2021 11:40

My husband is an equal parent and has always looked after them on their own, whenever, and no instruction or preparation from me needed

Khle34 · 30/04/2021 11:42

Two DC here, two year old and a three year old. My three year old has ASD and is very high needs. Pregnant with #3

My OH has them on his own whenever nessecary, and he has ASD himself.

I'm baffled by men claiming they can't look after their own children, lazy bastards.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 30/04/2021 11:44

My children are almost exactly those ages. Dh can manage them both fine. Due to our working patterns I do so more so am a bit more organised about it all, would probably cook a healthier meal etc. He also doesn't massively care how they look - I would probably nudge the eldest towards vaguely matching clothes, he will tend to leave him too it resulting in some odd outfit. Youngest would get put in something odd and whereas I might tidy her hair out of her face with a clip or tie it in a bunch he won't bother.

But he would get them up and dressed, make the porridge & get youngest fed, take them to the park or a duck pond or library & a cafe or whatever. Naps would happen at the right time, they'd be bathed before bedtime, but things would be a bit more rushed/chaotic. He's more likely than me to do things like take them to a cafe for lunch because he can't be bothered making any. But horses for courses, that's his choice and it's a perfectly adequate way to care for the kids.

lilbumblebee · 30/04/2021 11:47

My shift pattern is normally Fri - Sun(12 hour shifts) and my husband is able to look after our little ones (1.5 and 3.5 years old) independently. There might be an odd time I'll leave out clothes for the next day if it's going to be a busy day but other than that, he's all on his own.

You're definitely not being unrealistic.

MotherWol · 30/04/2021 11:47

DH is definitely capable of looking after our DD (5) by himself; in fact he's doing it this weekend as I'm tired and pregnant and need a break, so he's heading to the IL's for the weekend while I sleep. He's generally quite good at remembering what to take out for the day and managing mealtimes, because we do these things together as a family normally. I think it's fair to say he might find it a bit tiring or stressful having sole charge of her for an extended period of time, but so would I because young children are tiring! But he'd get on and do it because he's her dad.

Greygreenblue · 30/04/2021 11:49

I had 3 kids under 2 at one point. Their father has been looking after them on his own since they were babies. I think I went away for work for the first time when the twins were 14 months old and the eldest must have just turned 3. I was gone 2 nights, did not do any special prep that I remember though his mother did stay for one of those nights (her choice, he would have done fine without her/was not worried).

It is a very antiquated view that men can’t do these things. One perpetuated by both men and women (SMIL is amazed that DH, his brothers and SFIL all do their own ironing. Safe to say FIL does not. Also very clear when we had kids that he was not involved in caring for them as babies.)

Jamestheleast · 30/04/2021 11:49

Apart from a few blokes who are obsessively focussed on their job and scarcely notice the world around them I suspect it is a half arsed ploy to keep themselves in their 'shed' and being ordinarily selfish.
Me, we did role swap. I did most things except sewing, wifey did not change the exhaust on the car.

Lunde · 30/04/2021 11:49

In the 1960s my father (born 1924) used to look after 3 children every Saturday morning to give my mum a break. Used to take us out to different places.

I have 2 children with DH born 2 years apart - eldest has ASD/ADHD and youngest severe asthma and allergies. DH has always looked after them without me. DH took 1 day parental leave a week to look after them while I was in college until our eldest turned 6. He also has had to assume sole care on several occasions for several weeks at a time due to emergency hospital admissions for me.

Scbchl · 30/04/2021 11:50

My husband can look after them the exact same as me.

Branleuse · 30/04/2021 11:50

I definitely think that maternal gatekeeping can be a thing. Anxiety and a tendency to micromanage and then being overwhelmed because they are doing too much or have too high expectations, but I am not sure if its as big an issue as the amount of dads who just check out and leave it to the woman

IhateBoswell · 30/04/2021 11:51

I’d struggle to be with him if he couldn’t!
My youngest requires 24/7 care (non verbal autistic) and he looks after him as well as I do. My son probably prefers him actually, he likes being very exuberant and wrestling a lot and he’s way too strong for me to throw about.
He gets up at the weekend with him, gets him dressed and takes him on a 3 mile walk too.

Wiredforsound · 30/04/2021 11:51

Yes, we both worked full time but different hours so it was never even a question on account of the fact that he’s a grown ass man who would insulted if he wasn’t thought capable of co-rearing his own children. We are insulting men when we think they aren’t capable of co-managing a household effectively. We are infantilising and indulging them and treating them like morons while the ones who pretend not to be able to put on a laundry or heat up a can of soup are insulting the women they think should do it for them. I am all for give and take, and my DP and I tend to split roles - I’ll do most of the cooking and he’ll do most of the dishwasher stuff, for example, but if he let me do all the wifework while he sat on his arse playing his Xbox then he’d soon be playing the Xbox back at his parents.

ivfgottwins · 30/04/2021 11:53

I have 3 month old twins and a 5 year old - DH has them all for a couple of hours if I have a hair cut or need to get the big shop done or something. The only thing I tend to do is time it so that the twins will hopefully sleep for most of it - he gets more stressed than I do about leaving one to cry if he's feeding the other

I have low expectations about how tidy the house will be kept though 🤣 certainly not up to my standard when It's just me and the kids

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 30/04/2021 11:54

Crikey, it's not the 1950's! Of course he can!

maryjosephandtheweedonkey · 30/04/2021 11:56

Reminds me of this Facebook post m.facebook.com/story/graphql_permalink/?graphql_id=UzpfSTk4NjI5MDA4MTU1NzA1OToxMTEzNzY1NjA1NDc2MTcy

So many of my friends were sharing it when it went viral a couple of years ago, saying how true and hilarious it was. I just found it depressing!

GrandTheftWalrus · 30/04/2021 11:57

I only have one dc at the moment (waiting on the next arriving) and I've never had any worries about leaving her with dh. Why would I? It really irritates me when people say they can't leave children with their dh.

If anything I was more worried about myself looking after a baby on my own.

DelBocaVista · 30/04/2021 12:00

@maryjosephandtheweedonkey

Reminds me of this Facebook post m.facebook.com/story/graphql_permalink/?graphql_id=UzpfSTk4NjI5MDA4MTU1NzA1OToxMTEzNzY1NjA1NDc2MTcy

So many of my friends were sharing it when it went viral a couple of years ago, saying how true and hilarious it was. I just found it depressing!

God that's awful.

LimeCoconut · 30/04/2021 12:03

@IrmaFayLear

I think some women think their dhs can’t look after the children, either because they fear their role being encroached upon, or because the dh is not doing the job to their required standards .

I remember a post on here some while ago with the Op berating her dh for not looking after their dc properly, including not attending the toddler group, watching children’s tv and leaving crumbs in the kitchen. I was surprised that posters were joining in to beat the dh with a stick. If dh had reprimanded me for swerving toddler groups, snoozing in front of Peppa Pig and not keeping a pristine kitchen, he’d have been nagging 24/7...

Tbf I’d be miffed if DH had DC on his own and watched kids tv (toddler age). I’m assuming it’s not something they did usually as a family or the mum in question wouldn’t have been annoyed about it.

IhateBoswell · 30/04/2021 12:07

It is depressing maryjosephandtheweedonkey, love your name though 😂.

dotdashdashdash · 30/04/2021 12:08

@maryjosephandtheweedonkey

Reminds me of this Facebook post m.facebook.com/story/graphql_permalink/?graphql_id=UzpfSTk4NjI5MDA4MTU1NzA1OToxMTEzNzY1NjA1NDc2MTcy

So many of my friends were sharing it when it went viral a couple of years ago, saying how true and hilarious it was. I just found it depressing!

Yeah that is really depressing.

Voomster953 · 30/04/2021 12:10

Every day this site makes me so grateful that my H is a functioning adult and a team player.

dotdashdashdash · 30/04/2021 12:11

I think some women think their dhs can’t look after the children, either because they fear their role being encroached upon, or because the dh is not doing the job to their required standards

This is really true. Someone doing something differently to you is not necessarily them doing it wrong. I have to remind myself that DH is just a different person, we do things differently all the time, including our apporaches to housework and childcare. But we agree on the big things and that is what matters. I know that if I went away for a month the kids would be loved, cared for and attended to and the house might be messier than I'd like but they'd all be totally fine and the world wouldn't end. Thankfully I knew this before I had to put it in to practice.

YoniAndGuy · 30/04/2021 12:12

Of course.

Any man that 'can't' is simply selfish, lazy and immature.

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